I’m a week behind, due to the festivities surrounding AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY (and shame on the rest of you for not taking a week off; I’ve reported you all as Communists), so let’s recap last week’s episode! Fair warning: I was the drunkest I’ve probably ever been while watching this show, in the hopes that I would like it more. Let’s see if that’s the case! The previous episode, if you recall, not much happened. Tara tried to kill herself for the millionth time, which is where the show picks up again.

Aaaaaand Pam saves her in 10 seconds. SURPRISE! Ah, this show and its bullshit cliffhangers. Pam also commands Tara to never kill herself again, and I hate to say it because I hate Tara so much, but thank god? The only thing worse than Tara still being on this show is Tara trying and failing to kill herself every other episode.

At Merlotte’s, Alcide is mad for some reason. Why? Who knows. I don’t even remember. Lafayette is also mad at Sookie. Why are all these people mad at Sookie? Because of Tara? This makes no sense. Maybe I’m too drunk to even follow this simple show.

Bill and Eric get kicked out of a minivan and plan how to get Russell. They say only four people knew where Russell was, so they get in their car and go talk these people. ROAD TRIIIIIIIIP!

Meanwhile, Chris Meloni is watching Nora being tortured on his MacBook Pro. SEXXXXXXXY. He wants Salome to talk to Nora because they love each other or something? I guess I forgot about those girls being gal pals or something. Who cares.

Sookie barges into Jason’s house and confesses to Debbie’s murder. Throw her in jail! Lock her away forever! But Jason continues to be the worst police officer ever, so he doesn’t do anything. Sookie also says she made Tara a vampire and Jason is like, “WTF, Sookie?” and Jessica is also randomly there and is also like, “WTF, Sookie?” Good, more people to hate Sookie. Let’s drive her out of this town and show!

Pam brings Tara to Fangtasia and oh look there’s Eric sitting on his throne! Welcome back, Eric. Bill is also there. Man, that must be the biggest letdown in the world, to walk into a room to see Eric, only to turn and also see Bill. No fun will be had in THIS room. Anyway, everyone is like, “Ugh, gross, we have to hang out with Tara now?” Bill takes her away, presumably to teach her how to be just as annoying as he is.

Tara goes on and on about how horrible Sookie is, and how everyone protects and saves Sookie all the time even though she sucks and she basically just seems OVER Sookie’s bullshit and uh oh what is this why am I suddenly experiencing pleasant thoughts towards Tara? I’m confused and frightened.

Meanwhile, Eric is torturing Pam. Cool, fun guy. He thinks she knows where Russell is. “Fuuuuuuck, Eric, settle down, this bitch LOVES YOU” is something I apparently wrote in my notes. She begs Eric to release her if he doesn’t trust her anymore, and he looks like he might do it, but then we cut to him talking to Bill so we don’t know! Anyway, he tells Bill that it’s definitely not Pam who helped Russell. Bill is like, “Tara doesn’t know anything about where Russell is,” which is like GOOD WORK, BILL. Way to interrogate the person who’s been a vampire for only like 10 minutes. There was definitely a good chance she had already immersed herself in some vampire revolution conspiracy or whatever. Bill sux.

Oh god, that stupid nerd vampire child who sits on the vampire council is like, “I’m tracking them on my stupid nerd computer and they’re just hanging out at a bar!” RELAX, kid. All the other vampire council members talk about what the other two could be doing and it’s honestly so boring. Sharon Osbourne tells the stupid child vampire to shut up, which makes me like her more. Everyone looks at video of Nora going crazy in her cell. The old German dude says the guy who wrote the original vampire Bible was stoned the whole time which is dumb. The child says Christopher Meloni is busy “with his own woman on her knees,” which is NOT a thing a child actor should be saying and Alan Ball should go to jail.

That fucking judge is back on this show, and he wants to take the sheriff and Jason out for a party. This will be terrible. He also makes a bad boner joke, which makes it all that much more depressing. I don’t like this guy or any scenes with this stupid sheriff. Moving along!

Arlene wants Sam to greet “Barack and Hillary” and it’s a black dude and a blonde girl. WTF, Arlene. Seriously not cool with the racism. Sam knows them? And they’re shapeshifters? Are we supposed to know these guys? They want Sam to come back and “run” with them. Oh, are they his shapeshifter pals that were randomly hanging out with him last season until he just stopped hanging out with them for no reason? Ugh, I thought we were done with this nonsense. For what it’s worth, Sam says he’ll run with them. Cool, have fun.

Sookie is in the bathroom, and she hears Holly thinking (in full sentences, as always) about Sookie turning Tara into a vampire, and turns out the entire TOWN knows Sookie made Tara a vampire, and now they all hate her. LOLOLOL. Fuck off, town. You’re all annoying. Lafayette sees Sookie’s car, goes crazy for no reason, turns into his demon-face dude, and makes Sookie’s car fly a little bit? Can’t wait to see what shitty prank the demon pulls this time!

Alcide tells Debbie’s parents she’s dead. He says Marcus killed her, and then he killed Marcus. Good, let’s end this here. Bye forever, werewolves!

Sookie is driving her car and OH NO IT’S BEEN BEWITCHED AND IT WON’T BRAKE. Lafayette’s demon tricks are seriously the dumbest. Next week he’ll saran wrap all the toilets. Anyway, she rolls out of the car and she’s fine. Damn. Try harder to kill her, Lafayette. We believe in you!

And now we have to suffer through another horrible Iraq flashback. Can we stop with these? Seriously. Iraq looks like the cheapest videogame ever. Some guy is forced to stay awake. The rest of them all drink. What does this have to do with anything? There are either fireworks or bombs over Baghdad. I don’t know, I’m too drunk to follow this boring bullshit. Anyway, the guy who was supposed to stay on watch ends up massacring a lot of Iraqis. That’s bad, dude. You’re not supposed to do that. Didn’t you read the Iraq War Handbook?

Jason looks good in a suit! The sheriff is mad because Debbie’s parents left town and he’s suspicious. Oh god, we’re still pretending to care about Debbie? Thankfully, Jessica hears my prayers and comes running in to glamour the sheriff into forgetting completely about Debbie, so he stops asking questions. Can Jessica glamour me into forgetting about this show?

Pam is so lonely. All she has is Tara, which is just the worst fate. Eric says that he’s going to die no matter what and that he has to release Pam, because she needs to remain behind and be the heir to Downton Abbey or whatever. She cries and is like, “If that’s your wish,” and it’s supposed to be really emotional, but I don’t really understand what it means to be a “maker” or what “releasing” does to a person, because can’t they still hang out? Anyway, he releases her (by saying, “I release you,” which is a really good spell) and my confusion is compounded because nothing really happens at all and they still hug and hang out and obviously are friends? I think this was supposed to be really emotional, but I’m just kind of bored. I suspect Eric just released Pam because she made the lamest fucking vampire ever in Tara and he just doesn’t want to be associated with that nightmare of a woman.

Limo ride! Sluts! God, you guys, elderly county judges get SO MUCH PUSSY. Just up to their necks in vadge, all the time. This is a very accurate representation of what it must be like to be a small-town judge. The sluts put black sacks over the guys’ faces, which is probably WARNING SIGN NUMBER ONE that you should not be hanging with these sluts.

Bill and Jessica are looking through his house for a recording device. He finds a joint and scolds Jessica not for smoking pot but for smoking LOW-QUALITY WEED which made me audibly groan at my TV. Bill would NOT know about the quality of weed. Shut up, Bill, you are the fucking lamest. Give me a break.

Chris Meloni and Salome go talk to Nora. She’s like, “Kill me!” Salome’s like, “Tell me who’s in charge!” Chris Meloni is like, “Look at my phone, I’ll click this button and kill your boyfriends,” or whatever. Um, maybe he shouldn’t be so cavalier with whipping out that app all the time? I accidentally click things ALL THE TIME on my iPhone. I would totally kill Eric and Bill with a slip of my thumb while I was trying to show off some stupid picture of my dog. Be careful, Christopher Meloni!

Anyway, Nora immediately gives in and tells them everything once they threaten to kill Eric and Bill. Wait, wait, wait, is this the FIRST TIME they threatened to kill those dudes? Why didn’t they try that earlier? That would have been the FIRST thing I would have tried! Vampires are honestly the absolute worst at torture.

OH NO, the sluts are leading Jason, the judge, and the sheriff to that field where Jessica smelled that fairy. Uggghhhh NOT MORE FAIRIES. The sluts, it turns out, are fairies, and they go into a vortex or whatever and it turns out now the fairies live in a shitty Baz Luhrmann movie! Hahahaha weren’t the fairies last time living as ancient Greeks? They probably just watched Moulin Rouge for the first time and were like, “Let’s redecorate!”

Sookie is now drunk and it turns out she’s even more annoying when drunk because she’s one of those girls who LOVES Jimmy Buffet and has to sing along. GROSS, STOP. Lafayette calls and makes sure he didn’t kill her. Make up your MIND, Lafayette. Alcide is at the door. Lafayette is like, “Sookie, I’m a witc—“ and she hangs up on him, basically. Hahaha. Maybe just text her, Lafayette, she’s gotta get some Alcide D all up in her.

Terry and Patrick are still investigating the Mystery of the Super Lame Plot. They find a secret trap door. There are crazy drawings downstairs. I don’t even know where they are. Some barn? Who cares. Burn it to the ground. Anyway, a lunatic is down there with a gun. NEXT.

Sam goes to meet his two new/old friends and they’re both DEAD. Good riddance!

Pam wants to feed a Kardashian sister to Tara. Tara’s like, “Gross,” but the jury is out as to whether she finds eating people gross (which she didn’t have a problem with, like, yesterday) or if she just has finer taste than eating a Khloe Kardashian impersonator (can’t blame her). Pam commands her to eat.

Prepare yourselves for another boring speech from Christopher Meloni! He speaks a whole bunch of probably made-up Latin, and reveals that the stake he has was made from the bough on which Judas hung himself? Hahaha, shut up, True Blood. He says to his council that all their rooms are being searched, because one of them is a traitor. Some guys come in with a MacBook Pro, the most evil of all laptops, and holds it up to Christopher Meloni. Chris Meloni picks up a piece of paper from the laptop and reads what’s on the paper. WAIT, THEN WHY BRING THE COMPUTER IN, IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO WRITE DOWN STUFF ON A PIECE OF PAPER? Do vampires use MacBook Pros as serving trays? Are they THAT rich?

If you had to guess which member of this stupid vampire council would turn out to be the traitor, would you guess the child? No, you’d probably think, that is FAR too obvious and dumb. Well, obvious and dumb is True Blood’s bread and butter, so the child is our traitor! Christopher Meloni stabs and explodes the kid into guts, which makes me SO happy. Let’s never try to do vampire kids again, okay, True Blood?

Alcide and Sookie are drunk. They’re making Tara’s made-up drink, which has like Bailey’s and triple sec and marzipan or something and it just sounds terrible, which makes it the most perfect Tara drink imaginable. Alcide hates it, so I like Alcide. Right as I’m typing, “get naked or SHUT UP. we literally only care about both of your chests why are neither of your shirts off” they finally start making out. Yay! And, of course, Bill – being the absolute worst forever and ever – is watching from outside the window. GO AWAY, BILL.

Back in shitty fairy Moulin Rouge land, Jason is getting a BJ or whatever from a fairy. The fairy reads his mind that he’s thinking about Jessica. He’s like, “Are y’all fairies?!” Does Jason know about fairies? Isn’t Jason part-fairy or something, since Sookie is, too? I don’t care, don’t answer any of my questions. He runs into that stupid cousin who was hanging out with Evan Rachel Wood, and I can’t believe I can even remember that. Anyway, I guess now she’s a fairy groupie. This lady gets around! She very conveniently explains that this is a fairy “safe house” to protect them from being eaten by vampires. Ummmm it’s not very safe if you just drag random judges and other dudes into it all the time, you guys.

And then the stupid girl reveals that Jason and Sookie’s parents were eaten by vampires, not killed in a car accident. MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE TOLD THEM THAT THE MOMENT YOU FOUND OUT, YOU STUPID SHITTY COUSIN. Jason freaks out, and some stupid hipster fairies wearing suspenders but no shirts kick them out of the club and back into the field. Then the hipster fairies Men In Black mind-erase them or something and we go to credits. I don’t know what’s happening on this show. Maybe I should drink more.