So, True Blood is back! Did you miss it? Did you not even think about it at all for even one little second until realizing yesterday morning that it was coming back? COOL! All our old friends are back: the whiny one! The sexy one! The one with abs! The one with stupid powers! The demon baby! (I actually don’t remember what happened with the demon baby. Did they bury it in a hole with its ghost mother or something? Who cares. RIP demon baby.)

Quick note: I barely remember anything that happened on this show. I wasn’t even going to try to recap it until five minutes into the premiere, when there were about 20 characters running all over the screen at super-speed, screaming nonsense sentences at each other, and I thought, “Oh, fuck, I have to make fun of this on the internet to justify still watching it.” So, anyway, I don’t remember what half these characters are doing (or half their names, for that matter), so bear with me as I try to figure it all out again. Anyway, let’s get to it!

Okay, so Bill and Eric killed that awful vampire boss lady last season, that I remember. So Eric is running and cleaning in super speed, while Bill is chatting on his phone like the teenaged girl he is. BILL, GET OFF THE PHONE. Eric basically yells that at him. GET OFF THE PHONE, YOU’RE TYING UP THE LINE AND SOOKIE MIGHT WANT TO CALL ME.

But Sookie is going for a late-night snack (watch your figure, girl!) and also screaming around the house for Tara. Sookie, keep your voice down! Tara might be sleeping! Not everyone is always up at 2am fucking vampires and eating snacks! But actually Debbie is here! Hahahaha, remember Debbie? The worst. One of the worst, I should say; it’s hard to rank “the worst” on this show. Anyway, Eric and Bill sense Sookie’s in trouble, but Eric is like, “Forget it, she dumped both of us and we have to clean our floor.” Wait, why are they even bothering to clean the floor? Like, they’re both saying, “Everyone’s going to know we killed her, we’re going to have to escape Louisiana and go into hiding forever.” SO THEN WHY ARE YOU CLEANING THE ROOM SO SPOTLESSLY? If they’re already going to know you killed the lady, just hit the road! Ugh, this show. Why do I bother.

So anyway, there’s a gunshot, Bill goes running out of the house to save Sookie and immediately gets trapped in a net. Hahahaha. Bill sucks forever. Sookie’s screaming on the floor, Lafayette comes downstairs, Tara’s head is blown to bits. YES YES YES YES YES YES. I forgot about this! Oh god, I love this so much. But also, soak it up because there is NO WAY this show will let anyone die, least of all a character this insufferable. They’ve spent years making sure she’s the worst bitch in the world, y’all, they’re not going to let that go to waste.

Sure enough, Pam comes running in, conveniently. BOOOOO. I can already see where this is going. She’s looking for Eric. Sookie is like, “Pam, get the fuck out of my house,” and even though I hate Tara, I’m still like, “Uh, Sookie, she can, like, heal her?” But Sookie is an idiot, as always. Lafayette says to Pam, “Turn her,” and I’m like NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO. IF ANYONE SHOULD NEVER BE IMMORTAL IT IS TARA. Sookie says she’ll owe Pam, and Pam acts like this is SUCH a huge get. Oh, wow! THE Sookie owes you something??? So useful to have a favor in your back pocket from Sookie. “I’ll whine really hard at someone you hate to annoy them for you!”

Meanwhile, Eric and Bill are thrown in a trunk. Great. Can’t wait to meet the vampire mafia. They’ll probably have very stylish black leather jackets. Pam asks for her favor from Sookie: to get Eric to like Pam again. Hahahahaha. 🙁 So sad. Poor Pam. Worst favor ever. Just hire a therapist; it’ll be infinitely less annoying. But anyway, Pam drips her blood into Tara’s mouth, and a million HBO subscribers scream toward the heavens.

Jason is naked, sticking his Angelina Jolie leg out from behind a door, which is a totally normal way to hold a conversation, especially when that other person is a vampire priest or whatever. I don’t remember this guy’s name, but he’s that stupid gay priest from that cult and now he’s a vampire. He tells Jason some sob story about how he doesn’t even know how to be a vampire and that his “maker” just up and ran off without even teaching him how to glamour (I hate the bullshit sentences I have to write in recapping this show). Also, I guarantee that his “maker” will turn up in 5 episodes as a new, insufferable character. Can’t wait. Also she’ll probably be Tara’s sister or something. Also she’ll be half-mermaid, half-vampire. I’ll bet all my savings on this.

Anyway, he glamours Jason into letting him into the house. HE WAS LYING! Terrible shock. The audience feels betrayed. There’s all sorts of sexual energy as they close the door. Ugh, I want to see exactly ½ of this sex scene. Can we edit out the naked priest and just have Jason fuck a shapeless digital blob? That would be sexier.

But first, we have to check in on Sam’s bullshit plot. I have NO idea what happened with this guy last season, but I really hope his entire family is dead, because oh boy were they the worst. I think we killed them all off last season? Fingers crossed. Anyway, now he’s surrounded by werewolves. Cool. Just eat him, guys, no one cares. One werewolf turns into a naked lady who is clearly evil. Also she makes sure to grow her hair to the perfect length, so it covers her nipples but leaves plenty of bottom-boob to give all the girls out there a way to try to convince their boyfriends to watch this nightmare of a show (DON’T DO IT, GUYS. STAY STRONG!). Anyway, Sam turns into an owl and flies away, which maybe the werewolves should have thought of? He pulls that trick, like, twice a day.

Pam has on some cozy pajamas and Sookie and Lafayette are burying her alive with Tara. Pam is not happy about it. Pam continues to be the only relatable character out of this cast of 200 people. Hopefully Pam just eats Tara after they bury her. Also, how long did it take them to dig this hole? That should have been, like, half the premiere. Just Sookie and Lafayette digging a hole for 30 minutes. It would have been better than checking in Sam.

Which we have to do again! Now he’s at his stupid girlfriend’s house, standing there naked on the porch when she gets home with her daughter. Good stepfather. Throw him in jail. He warns her she needs to run and she’s like, “This is a pack problem, we need to handle it within the pack,” which is a great sentence. Also, is she a werewolf? I thought she was a shapeshifter like Sam? Also, why am I wasting time thinking about this? They both smell the werewolves, and suddenly Naked Lady is just in the middle of the front lawn. Hahahahahaha Sam and his girlfriend are terrible at smelling things. Now there are two naked people fighting on the front lawn, while a six-year-old hangs out indoors, and the mom does not seem concerned about this at ALL. Throw all these people in jail and bury the jail underground with Tara forever.

Anyway, the lady demands Marcus, who was the evil werewolf from last season and also I’m pretty sure was either the dad of the little girl everyone is ignoring in this scene, or else he was just her previous stepdad?Either way, he’s dead, and Sam says he killed him. Is he lying? I don’t remember! Guess I’ll find out at the same time this evil werewolf lady does! Sam goes with her as a prisoner because he doesn’t want the werewolves to eat the baby girl, whom he is suddenly concerned about, even though 10 minutes ago he was shoving his taint in her face. But first the werewolf lady makes him promise not to turn into an owl. Sam promises. This lady is terrible at kidnapping people.

The reverend tapes Jason’s mouth shut and unglamours him or whatever you call it. He then reveals that he’s in love with Jason. Is this supposed to be a surprise? I think the audience is supposed to be all, “OH HELL NO,” but, honestly, this reverend is the biggest, flamingest, gayest cartoon gay of all time. The only thing more offensive than making a gay character act the way he’s acting is to pretend like it’s a SURPRISE. Fuck this show.

Anyway, Jason doesn’t want to have sex with the guy. I get super uncomfortable that we’re about to witness a gay rape. Instead, Jessica comes STORMING IN and is like, “He’s mine!” while wearing a Red Riding Hood cape. She also says she’s the queen of Louisiana now? Is that true? What is going on? Jason takes away Steve’s (which, I guess that’s his name) invitation to the house, so he gets dragged out by magic. GOOD PLAN, Steve. Can’t believe that didn’t work. Jessica and Jason fuck for some reason.

ROOOAAAAD TRIPPPPPP! An evil vampire Mafioso is listening to Paul McCartney. His evil lady vampire passenger hates Paul McCartney, because she rolls her eyes. Total odd couple. Love these two. In the trunk, Bill and Eric poke a hole in the gas tank, somehow start a fire (which is never explained, but somehow they used an umbrella? Cool, whatever, let’s just skip it), and the whole car BLOWS THE FUCK UP. Now Bill has silver stuck in his arm, because he fucking sucks. Eric is like, “Ugh, I guess I’ll drag you out of here.” But Paul McCartney’s #1 fan is going to shoot them! Except then he explodes and the other lady stabbed him, ALSO with an umbrella? How many magical umbrellas were in this car???? Anyway, I guess she totally hated Paul McCartney more than we even thought!

Eric runs over and deep-throat kisses the lady and I’m like, “What is happening???” and I said that even BEFORE Eric revealed it’s his fucking SISTER he’s face-fucking. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? WHAT A STUPID SHOCK REVEAL FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. “We need incest for no reason,” was clearly something someone said in the writer’s room. Eric doesn’t explain why he’s getting it on with his sister. Stab them BOTH with a magic umbrella. Good grief.

Inside her house, Sookie is cleaning up Debbie’s brains. Roughly half this season premiere has been spent watching people clean up brains from the floor. So great. It’s like that episode of Breaking Bad where the guy’s guts fell through the ceiling, only this is a piece of garbage. And SPEAKING of Breaking Bad, Sookie tells Lafayette she made a conscious decision to kill Debbie. Oooooh, someone’s going down a bad path! Hopefully Sookie just kills half the people in this season.

Okay, so Eric’s sister is a double-agent working inside the vampire government (so many questions about the vampire government, but I can already tell it makes no sense). Also she has a really fake British accent. She says she’ll do anything for Eric, and there is still absolutely NO explanation as to their make-out sesh. Guess I just haven’t read enough Norse history! This sort of thing was probably going on all the time. Anyway, Eric says not even Pam knows about his sister being a double agent, and blah blah blah they need to run away forever or else she’ll be killed. Tough luck!

The next morning, Sookie brings Lafayette home, and he’s acting super weird about going inside. He mentions having to clean up Jesus’s body (oh brother, ANOTHER body-cleaning-up scene?) and I don’t even remember what is going on. I guess he killed Jesus or something? Yikes, seems like I should have remembered that. Anyway, Jesus’s body is missing when he gets inside. Good, another vampire, probably. Lafayette doesn’t seem THAT concerned about the lack of body or blood splatters, and instead he just prays and says goodbye to Jesus. Good, probably best to just assume it’s all taken care of, Lafayette.

Two teenagers walk into their house and find the sheriff naked in their bed. This sheriff is the worst. He’s sleeping with Holly, the witch waitress, who is the mother of these boys. I can’t keep track of this shit anymore, and I have literally no idea why any of these people are still characters on this thing.

Speaking of useless, Terry and redheaded waitress and Terry’s brother(?) are having breakfast. He doesn’t want his brother to talk about Iraq. I think this is going to be a shitty PTSD plot this season. Oh, brother. This won’t be heavy-handed and borderline insensitive at ALL. Arelene (that’s her name!) says there was a fire at their old house, and Terry’s brother is like, “RUH ROH,” and there’s obviously something to this, but I don’t care.

Sookie has a naked shower flashback to when she was picked last for dodgeball until Tara beat the shit out of a 6-year-old and it is such a waste of time. Lafayette takes the world’s longest bath, which is kind of a rude thing to do when you’re at someone’s house, and he looks at a razor blade and we’re supposed to think he’s considering suicide, but my first thought is, “He’s probably just going to give himself another stupid haircut with that thing.” (SPOILER ALERT: he does! And I honestly don’t know whether or not this is supposed to be a joke. The line between intentional and unintentional humor is permanently blurred on this show.)

Okay, Alcide is here. Remember him? He’s back from stripping with Channing Tatum! So good to have him back. “Take off your shirt!” is what the whole audience is screaming. Sookie invites him in and kicks Debbie’s tooth under the fridge. As if Alcide would see a tooth on the ground and be like, “IS THAT DEBBIE’S MOLAR???? WHAT DID YOU DO???” Anyway, Sookie is terrible at acting not suspicious. She’s two seconds away from casually whistling. Also she has fresh lemonade just hanging out in her fridge in a beautiful pitcher? WHEN DID SHE HAVE THE TIME TO SQUEEZE LEMONADE? This is the most unrealistic thing about this vampire soap opera. Alcide says Russell (the old gay king) is on the loose. Oh god, I can’t handle this. Can we let ONE character die for good every once in a while, please? We need to thin the herd here.

Jason and the sheriff have a boring conversation at Merlotte’s. An old man walks up. He’s a judge. OH FUN, A NEW CHARACTER! He wants the sheriff to get rid of a parking ticket for his son or something. The sheriff gets rid of it. Uh, is this scene supposed to establish that the sheriff is corrupt? Because, last I remember it, he was a fucking DRUG ADDICT like two episodes ago, so he’s kind of sunk waaaaay below fudging a few parking tickets? I’m sure the parking ticket will turn out to be a ticket that summons a demon from the 7th circle of hell, though, so we better pay attention to this story.

One of Hoyt’s friends (HOYT! Good to see you!) coughs, “Girlfriend fucker!” at Jason which is just a really good insult and also sounds totally natural as a cough. Also, weren’t these all the friends who shunned Hoyt for dating a vampire? And now they’re defending the vampire’s honor? Burn this town to the ground, please. Jason wants to talk to Hoyt. Hoyt’s still mad. Let’s move on.

Alcide wants Sookie to move in with him. Sookie is about to tell Alcide she killed Debbie so they probably shouldn’t be roommates. Lafayette kicks Alcide out. He says he’s done with supernatural stuff like werewolves and vampires. Even though last night he literally MADE A NEW VAMPIRE. Is this show written by 500 people, each person writing just one line without being able to see what the people had written previously?

Meanwhile, in some nightmare barn, someone is being tortured. A nasty old bitch comes in and she looks real mean. I think these are werewolves? One of the ladies definitely looks like the evil werewolf lady who kidnapped Sam, but she has a shirt on so it’s hard to tell without being able to see her bottom-boobs. Oh, they’re torturing Sam. Sam has, like, two cuts on his chest. I’m pretty sure I could do a better job of torturing him. Step up your game, werewolves! Put your back into it!

The mean old bitch’s name is Martha. Spooky name. She has a really raspy voice. It’s gross. Clear your throat. Drink some water. She wants Marcus’s body. She threatens to kill Sam’s girlfriend and her daughter unless he brings them to Marcus’s body. He seems shocked. Did he not expect this bargaining tactic from them?! Has he never seen a superhero or James Bond film? No one thinks on this show and it is insane. The detectives on The Killing could run intellectual circles around these morons.

Meanwhile, Eric is fucking his sister in the butt. The less said about this scene the better, because it is just needless sensationalism with absolutely zero explanation as to why they are incestuous and it is clearly just a ploy to up the ante on this show’s ability to shock, so let’s just move past it and not give Alan Ball what he’s asking for by talking about it. But also, Eric says the line, “We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions.” This show sucks like a champion.

Alcide calls. Eric looks shocked about something he says. (I love imagining the moment Alcide and Eric swapped numbers. Both of them standing there awkwardly, Eric repeating his numbers slowly as Alcide types them into his phone. “Just call or text me so I have your number,” Eric probably said. Then the awkward 2 minutes as they wait for the call to go through. Eric hits ignore and creates a new contact.  “Okay, I’ve got it now, thanks,” said Eric. “How do you spell your last name?”)

Also some guy is dragged down a hall and eaten by a monster. Okay.

IT’S TIME FOR A FRAT PARTY!!!!!! Jessica is so popular now! All the teenagers love her. Some guy wants to fuck Jessica. We can tell by his hair that he is a real douchebag. The girls want her to rush their sorority!!!! Isn’t she 16 years old? The douche starts a game of quarters in the creepiest way possible. Jessica is really good at quarters (new vampire rule: all vampires are really good at quarters). Douchebag loves it. He has to drink all his beer. SO COLLEGE.

Jason is at the door. Jessica’s like, “GET OUT OF HERE, GRAMPS, I’M HANGIN’ WITH MY TWEEN BROS.” Jason comes in and takes off his shirt so the kids don’t freak out that he’s a cop. Good cop. Fire everyone.

IMPORTANT QUESTION: What college is this? Bon Temps has, like, 15 people in it, and 10 of them are vampires. Where did this massive frat college culture come from? And how do these people not know who Jason – one of the two police officers in town – is? Anyway, some slut wants to fuck Jason, so I guess he and Jessica will both be fine tonight.

Terry is freaking out at work, which is what Terry does at work 95% of the time. His brother is like, “I lost my house in a fire. We all lost our houses in a fire.” So a fire is following these guys? I thought the fire was caused by a demon baby! Terry basically literally says, “No, my fire is different, it was caused by a demon ghost baby,” and his brother (who might not actually be his brother? Just some guy from the war, I guess? Whatever) never bats an eye at that. He tells him that all their houses burned down because of “that night in Iraq.” THE CURSE OF THE IRAQ WAR. WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS WAR. IT WAS A MISTAKE. BUSH/CHENEY 2012. Also, let me just call it now: this is how they will work a fucking genie into this show. I just know it. Someone released a genie in Iraq and now it is starting the suburbs on fire. Also the genie will have 12 abs.

Jessica and her friends are totally loving this party, because they all get to play Rock Band! Hahahahaha, this is totally an accurate representation of what a party would be like that was full of underage drinkers, sanctioned by the local police force, and hosted by the vampire queen. That party would totally revolve around a video game.

Jason and the douchebag fight over who gets to sing “Cherry Bomb” with Jessica. Jason loses. Jessica is a real bitch to Jason, making out with the douche in front of him. Jason leaves with his slut. “That was so awesome!” says the slut. She loves Rock Band so much, as do all sluts. “LET’S DO SOME FOREIGNER!” Jessica yells. What is this?

Jason tells the slut he doesn’t want to have sex. “But we were rocking so hard!” she says. Great dialogue here. He gives her a speech about how he’d fuck her and never call her. He makes her put on a sweater and drives her home. Jason is changing! Who cares.

Sookie and Lafayette wait for Tara. Lafayette goes to get a sandwich. Lafayette can’t be bothered waiting by a grave and neither can I. There is no suspense, because we all know Tara will definitely be a vampire.

Meanwhile some wolves dig up a body. The mean old lady is there. She says, “Thanks for his body.” Sam is like, “I’m ready to die now.” What? Alcide and Sam’s girlfriend show up and Alcide is like, “I KILLED MARCUS,” and most of the wolves are like, “YOU ARE OUR NEW PACKMASTER,” but one old dude and the old bitch Martha are like, “NO HE ISN’T,” and then they start eating Marcus’s intestines? Ugh, can someone please mail me the instruction manual on how to be a werewolf? I don’t understand anything they do.

Eric and Bill and Eric’s sister go meet like 50 vampire secret agents at some boats. They get new passports. HOW HIGH DOES THIS CONSPIRACY GO??? All the vampires are shot by machine guns and explode, except for Eric and Bill and the sister. The three of them are arrested. At least you have cool new passports!

A hand comes out of the dirt. Oh fuck. It’s just Pam, though. She hates being underground. Sookie digs up Tara’s head and starts crying. I honestly can’t tell if her head is still exploded or not. It’s too dark. Lafayette comes back with his sandwich and is super sad, too, so I guess it didn’t work? I still can’t tell. Then Tara wakes up and runs to eat Sookie and that’s our cliffhanger. I wish I were surprised. But more than that, I wish all these characters were dead.