So my hatred for Paual Deen is well documented. From her shitty food, to her rank hypocrisy, and most of all to her absolute disregard for her fans and her craven greed. I also think her kids are dumb. that hatred turns to love however when it comes to Paula Deens Vagina. No not the […]
So by now everyone knows that Paula Deen, the overweight 65 year old who eats, promotes and has made her fortune off of peddling ridiculously unhealthy and frankly disgusting foods, has type 2 diabetes. There have been a number of responses on the internets so far and as MSR has not exactly held its fire when it comes to Food network hosts (see sg-dubs various takedowns of Paula and Sandra Lee, as well as my vitriolic rant about Guy Fieri) I don’t see how we can’t comment on this.
[editors note. In preperation for sg-dubs glorious upcoming return to the Paula Deen Coronary Watch, we bring you an oldie from the sg-dub archives]
Just when you were wondering when and if I’d return from my hiatus… And, just when you were beginning to ask yourselves, “What would it take to get sg-dub to finally write something again?” Well, here I am and I have your answer: Butter guzzling, y’all.
The woman we all wish was our very own grandmother took a page out of Homer Simpson’s book and, yes, drank pure melted butter on TV. Mmmm-mmmm. Hey, on the plus side you know her bowel movements just slide right out with nary an impediment or constipatory delay. And now you know what you were missing these past couple months with me not writing recaps – visions of a fat old southern belle taking a crap. Oh yeah baby, I’M BACK! I’m SO back.
So y’all grab some pork rinds and some buttermilk to wash them down with and view the sordid evidence after the jump.
As you know, we here at Midseasonreplacements are unapologetic Food Network fans; we all have our Yummo faves. Very often, I find myself zoning out in front of DirecTV Channel 231 on weekend mornings just watching the calvalcade of stars cooking up delicious dishes. Once in a while, I get distracted by baby-dub or Will Shortz and before I know what hit me, Sandra Lee is insulting me with her lame recipes, garish tablescapes, and annoying verbal syntax. But recently, there was something about her that caught me eye and drew me in.
Whet your appetite, after the jump
Hey y’all! Y’all want more Paula Deen? Sho’ y’all do! And that’s precisely why I watched Paula’s wondrous Southern Thanksgiving special from last year this week on the Food Network. I have to admit, her Thanksgiving spread wasn’t nearly as heart stopping as I’d anticipated. There was only one deep fried item (a turkey), a couple pan fried items (bacon wrapped bread sticks and creamed corn with bacon drippings) and one dessert disguised as a vegetable.
If it’s a wacky camera angle and weird characters you know you’ve entered the world of Good Eats, The flagship show of Food Network. I first became aware of Good Eats a few years ago when I was clicking through the channels and came upon his show. The only reason I paused to watch it was because I thought Alton Brown looked like Luke Skywalker. And honestly, who wouldn’t watch a cooking show by Luke Skywalker? Except maybe those damn Sand People. Anyways, I was fascinated by his ability to teach you about cooking, as opposed to just cooking something and saying Yum-O!. I didn’t know a tomato in the fridge would ruin its flavor, or an artichoke is just a blossom of a giant thistle flower, but I do now. And I can now tell you the history of Teflon. And I am a better man for it.
Yes, Alton’s extremely anal retentive, and yes sometimes his gimmicky props go a little overboard. But I love him. I love him as deep and as pure as a mother loves her newborn, or a crack whore enjoys a hot bath. Or her crack. Either one. So without further ado, let us examine the cause of my heterosexual man crush on the man they call Alton Brown.
I’ll be honest, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee isn’t one of my usual Food Network guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s her rushed delivery that makes me jumpy and turns me off. Perhaps it’s her obsession with something called “Tablescapes” which until watching Sandra were completely foreign to me – as they shall remain. Or, perhaps it’s the fact that her “recipes” suck? That’s probably it.
I watched two of her shows for this special Thanksgiving TVgasm offering and that’s plenty, trust me (and remember, I love my Food Network). The first thing one notices is the Barbara Walters soft-filter on the cameras. Actually, that’s not true – usually, the first thing I notice about the show are Sandra’s gigantic sagging boobies. Unfortunately, on the first episode I watched, Ms. Lee wore a very modest/loose black blouse. Lame. I’m certainly not a “boob guy” at all, but c’mon Sandra, give me something I can work with here! Well, she did actually show us her cans – cans of soup, cans of sauces, cans of veggies… (See above) *Rimshot!*