Previously on True Blood: Sookie and Alcide were hooking up, Eric and Bill were looking for Russell, Tara and Pam were bonding, and 50 other characters were doing a lot of unrelated bullshit. Oh yeah, and the fairies are back. Can’t forget about the stupid fairies! This week: the smoke monster from LOST shows it has the best agent in Hollywood.
I’m a week behind, due to the festivities surrounding AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY (and shame on the rest of you for not taking a week off; I’ve reported you all as Communists), so let’s recap last week’s episode! Fair warning: I was the drunkest I’ve probably ever been while watching this show, in the hopes that I would like it more. Let’s see if that’s the case! The previous episode, if you recall, not much happened. Tara tried to kill herself for the millionth time, which is where the show picks up again.
Lots of Tara this week, you guys. Brace yourselves. This is going to be the Season of Tara. Also: the fairies are back, Eric and Bill get caught up in all sorts of sexposition, Pam continues to be awesome, and JASON WAS RAPED AS A CHILD. Sorry, I’m just in shock that this is apparently a thing we are now going to have to learn about. Thankfully, there are very few werewolves or shapeshifting girlfriends this episode, which always makes things more enjoyable. Let’s get to it!
On this episode of True Blood, like 8 million things happen but also nothing really happens. Lots of stuff PRETENDS to happen, but when you think about it what plots were even advanced in the slightest? So, since this hour wasted our time, let’s all waste some more time by reading a bunch of dumb words about it! NOW YOU’RE HOOKED. Anyway, if that didn’t drag you in, I promise you at some point in this recap you will see a hilarious picture of a puppy wearing a dress and it is just the best thing ever. So get reading!
So, True Blood is back! Did you miss it? Did you not even think about it at all for even one little second until realizing yesterday morning that it was coming back? COOL! All our old friends are back: the whiny one! The sexy one! The one with abs! The one with stupid powers! The demon baby! (I actually don’t remember what happened with the demon baby. Did they bury it in a hole with its ghost mother or something? Who cares. RIP demon baby.)
Quick note: I barely remember anything that happened on this show. I wasn’t even going to try to recap it until five minutes into the premiere, when there were about 20 characters running all over the screen at super-speed, screaming nonsense sentences at each other, and I thought, “Oh, fuck, I have to make fun of this on the internet to justify still watching it.” So, anyway, I don’t remember what half these characters are doing (or half their names, for that matter), so bear with me as I try to figure it all out again. Anyway, let’s get to it!
This week on True Blood, Jason finally escapes the were-meths and his shirt. Bill discovers that the were-meths aren’t the “family-oriented” folks in Bon Temps, if you know what I mean. The devil baby takes up tagging. Sam is boring, Tommy is an idiot, and something terrible happens to Pam. YOU BETTER NOT HURT PAM. Recap done!
This week’s True Blood was a bit of a breather episode. Don’t get me wrong, freaky shit happened and pretty people took off their clothes, but it was strangely tame on the True Blood scale of weirdness. Let’s face it, though, after maenad orgy and nationally televised spine removal, sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and let Eric act like an idiot for an episode. Plus, we get yet another magic … uh … creature? Thing? Whatever, he/she/it will have a sex scene by episode five.
In case you haven’t noticed, True Blood has returned to grace our TV screens with nudity, blood and general insanity. I have some thoughts that must be shared! Questions that must be answered! Or at least asked then forgotten when Eric takes his shirt off! Let’s have a brief confab about the first two episodes.
Finally, FINALLY our long national nightmare is over, and True Blood is disappearing for a year. Is it just me, or when you woke up this morning did the birds seem louder and the grass felt softer? But then I remembered that I had to write this recap and I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND CUT MY HAIR, because that is what we do when life gets too hard. Let’s jump into the recap, and be prepared for lots of anger because nothing makes sense and also SPOILER ALERT: Alan Ball is already hard at work on making Season Four twice as horrible as Season Three! Hooray!
It’s the penultimate episode of True Blood! Can you believe it? It feels like we’ve been watching this season for CENTURIES. Like Russell Edgington, King of Mississippi and Louisiana! HAHAHAHA. Classic vampire humor. As you can see, this episode has clearly made me insane, because it was stupid. Also, it seems like we’re setting up the main villain for Season Four, and guess what? IT’S A BABY. Yikes. Gross. How many episodes into season four until we see someone stabbing a demon baby in the FACE? Don’t think Alan Ball won’t show it! He’s a depraved lunatic! Anyway, let’s get to the recap. (Or as they probably say in Bon Temps, “Were-cap.” Ugh.)