08.25.10 | True Blood 

I Know It’s Easy to Make Fun of True Blood, But This is Still Really Good, Or Something

Like I said in this week’s recap, are we supposed to feel good about ourselves for making fun of True Blood? Isn’t it like that time in high school when I didn’t hold the door for the one-armed kid in band class who played the tuba, just to see how he would handle holding a tuba while also trying to open the door (true story)?

Again, I don’t feel good about this, and neither should Babelgum, but this is still funny (and accurate!):

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08.23.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: We’re Running Out of Stupid Monsters

On True Blood this week: Fairies! Witches! Were-panthers! (Yes, that is a thing now, apparently.) I don’t know, lots more crazy shit happens. I’m starting to think the original scripts for these episodes are written in human feces on a bathroom stall, because I find it hard to believe that actual grown adults sit around in a room with computers and college educations and get paid tens of thousands of dollars to come up with this crap. Hire me, True Blood, I can easily match the talent of your writing staff: “And then the centaur looks at Sookie and asks, ‘What ARE you?’ Then Sookie and the centaur make out. Then Bill yells at the centaur, ‘She is MINE.’ ” There, that’s your main plot for season five.

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08.17.10 | True Blood 

True Blood Tries to Embarrass Me While I Read in Public

This show, it always manages to out-ridiculous itself.

(Click through if you want to see the full magazine cover, since your boss probably won’t appreciate it.)

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08.17.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: You Stay Classy, Bon Temps

Compared to last week’s offing of like 300 characters, this week feels a little slow. But how can I complain when I’m able to enjoy my first Talbot-free episode in months? (Just kidding, obviously I’ll still be complaining.) This week’s big reveal involves finding out a little more about what Sookie is and why everyone’s obsessed with her, and as we get closer and closer to the answer, I’m starting to realize it’s going to be dumber than I could have ever imagined. Come, won’t you step into my Magical Light Pond and read about this stupid bullshit? (Warning: NSFW. Unless you work with psychotic perverted monsters, in which case, they will absolutely LOVE this.)

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08.11.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: Now Who Will Complain About Blood on the Drapes?

Aside from about thirty total seconds (which, admittedly, are awesome), this episode is almost entirely filled with things designed to waste time until shit can start going crazy leading up to the season finale. For instance: Bill and Sookie break up, and it’s really obnoxiously dramatic, but then they get back together the next day. Thank GOD! Also, Tara yells at everybody, Jason and Crystal (who?) finally have sex, and we experience the most pointless girl fight ever.

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08.03.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: An Infusion of Lame

After last week’s exercise in almost making this show enjoyable and then throwing it all out the window, True Blood is BACK, y’all, and more confusing and gross than ever! On the plus side: Lots of people die this episode, so maybe we’ll have less plots to follow? Just kidding, next week we’ll probably get all caught up in the love triangle surrounding one of the random guys who were betting on the dogfighting ring this week. Also: Yes. Dogfighting happened for some reason. Brace yourself, this is going to be rough.

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07.28.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: A Series of Unbearable Events

For all those who say I’m too negative about this show, let me say this, and listen up because I’ll only say this once: I actually enjoyed a large portion of this episode, without any irony WHATSOEVER. But then Evan Rachel Wood appeared on camera and Bill started overacting, and I was just like, “Welcome back, True Blood! I almost forgot you were horrible for a second!”

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07.22.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: An Eternity of Awfulness

It’s another episode of this ridiculous show, and things are heating up! Just kidding, we waste a lot of time this week, which is saying a lot for this show. Although the whole cast seems to have relocated to Mississippi, probably because of the fact that Louisiana seems like it’s on its way to being completely covered in oil. Luckily for HBO, BP and FEMA are complete and total assholes, which relegates True Blood to being merely the third worst thing to ever happen to Louisiana. Anyway, this infernal show is spilling out across state borders to pollute even more of our great nation, and it shows NO SIGNS OF STOPPING. And I’ll continue to document it and hate myself, as always.

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07.15.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: Howl If You Think This Show Is Awful

True Blood is back after a one-week hiatus! Wasn’t that Sunday night kind of glorious without it? Makes you wonder if we should all quit this show. But you won’t, because you are a disgusting pervert.

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06.29.10 | Recaps, True Blood 

True Blood: Like Fetish Porn, Only Worse!

Oh boy. Prepare yourselves for this one, people. True Blood gets even more insane this week. Watching this show has become for me a baffling experience, because I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to get out of it. Am I supposed to be aroused by all the sex, even though it often involves a lot of screaming and blood and FRIGHTENING MONSTERS? Am I supposed to be worried for the characters’ safety, when I know that they’re all going to be fine always? I don’t know, maybe I DO need my television spoon fed to me. I’m going to go watch Entourage with Jim, you guys.

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