I know it’s getting old to say that True Blood has too many characters, but maybe it’s old because it’s true: TRUE BLOOD HAS TOO MANY CHARACTERS. And this episode introduces even more, and each is more ridiculous than the last! So, hang on, because we’re going down this rabbit hole even further.
Guys, our favorite stupid show has returned for the summer! And we have like a million characters to follow! Ugh, and Tara’s still here. Who’s excited to see Tara? No one? Fantastic! Anyway, let’s not beat around the coffin (GET IT?!?!) any longer, because we absolutely need to find out whether or not Jason Stackhouse can ever get a boner ever again!!!!
I told you I’d finish this before the premiere of season three! Everyone can suck it, I’m the best! Anyway, let’s get into it because this episode aired like 10 months ago so you already know what’s happened. But let’s just pretend for a minute that we’re dying to find out how they’ll defeat Maryann and, more importantly, WHAT IS IN THAT STUPID EGG? (Answer: just some yolk and egg whites, nothing exciting.) Read on!
I am DETERMINED to finish this before the Sunday premiere, even with how busy work has gotten for me, so no time to waste: Let’s recap! As we all remember from the last episode, Bon Temps has gone crazy because of Maryann’s lameness, and Bill has gone to see someone who may know how to kill her. WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?
Hey, guys, remember that show “True Blood” I recapped like a year ago and then suddenly stopped? Well, it returns for its third season on June 13th, so what better time to finish out the remaining three recaps than right now? Yes, much like a vampire (apt metaphors, hooray!) my recaps are rising from the dead. This way, we all get some important closure in our lives AND a refreshing recap at what happened at the end of last season. See? This year-long delay was planned out ALL ALONG. You’re welcome.
While I’m finishing up the last three recaps for True Blood, here’s something to tide you over: A GENIUS at The YouTube Website has added a laugh track to True Blood to turn it into a sitcom called “At Merlotte’s.” Some of you may have seen this already, since it’s a month old, but it’s new to me, dammit. At the very least, it gives Arlene – everyone’s favorite waitress – the respect she deserves. Enjoy!
Well, look at that, it’s finally a new True Blood recap! I apologize again for the previous month’s absence, but have no fear, I will see the season through. And look at it this way: with three more recaps to look forward to, you’ll still be getting a nice dose of True Blood during this long, long dry spell between seasons. So, really, I’m doing you a favor. Anyway, where we left off: Luke has just blown himself up at Godric’s terrible vampire party, Sam was put in jail, and – most disgusting of all – Jessica’s hymen has grown back. There’s even more talk of hymens in this episode, so let’s jump right in!
This week on True Blood (and by that, I mean three weeks ago), Godric finally escapes just in time to throw the lamest vampire party ever. And it gets crashed MULTIPLE times. You’d think a vampire party would have better bouncers. Also, Tara and Eggs have violent sex AGAIN (yawn…), Sam gets involved in a crime of the heart (get it?!), and Jessica learns something about herself that will probably make her more open to the concept of anal sex.
Not to confuse you before tonight’s new episode of True Blood, but this stuff happened three weeks ago. Yes, this is episode seven of season two, “The One Where Everyone Dies.” After the jump, relive the important lessons learned from this Very Special Episode of True Blood, such as: never trust a guy named Hugo, never sleep with a preacher’s wife, and NEVER invite a cop to an orgy. So, basically just use common sense. Oh, and since this is True Blood, there’s some nudity in the following recap, so don’t read this at work or to your kids at bedtime. Kids love True Blood recaps, right?