America’s Next Top Model: Battle of the Badly Named Superheroes

This weeks ANTM was rather tame, which is probably expected after make over drama in week 2, and Louise’s meltdown in week 3.  Excuse me, I mean Chameeleoné’s meltdown the week before. This week the girls wore bad hats and got advice from a “brand futurist” which is not, and never will be, an occupation. Still, there were fights and crying and threats to leave! Plus, there’s Nigel looking sexy in a t-shirt. Shall we?

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America’s Next Top Model: London Bawling

Coming into this episode, I was all excited about spending some time with my old pal Cat Deeley. Would there be a dancing challenge? A hosting challenge? Sadly, Cat was not involved in the challenge at all, which is too bad because the girls could have really used the expertise she cultivated in dealing with the So You Think You Can Dance judges all these years in this week’s “How to get along with overbearing personalities while still acting like adult” challenge. And by “girls” I mean “Louise.” And by “Louise” I mean “Chameeloné.” Confused? This recap will probably do nothing to clear things up.

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America’s Next Top Model: In the Future, Everyone Will Be a Kardashian for 15 minutes

Ready for another super timely ANTM recap? What if I promised you there would be Kardashians? No, wait, don’t go! What I meant to say is that there would be makeovers! Yay! … and Kardashians. Sorry, just like death and taxes, there ‘s no way to avoid them.  But seriously, makeovers, this time with patriotic hair dye and more bangs than a porn convention. Plus, haggis!

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America’s Next Top Model: Tramopoline!

USA! USA! USA!Well here we are again, Tyra. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I think the last we were together like  this was the circus dwarf cycle. And then … we drifted apart, somehow. Was it that the increasingly gimmicky themes seemed to be your confession that the show has nothing to do with actual modeling? Or that your more insane tendencies seem to have been reined in over the last few cycles? Ha, ha kidding about that last thing. No one tames crazy like yours, Tyra. It runs wild and free like a beautiful, unmedicated mustang. But let’s not argue about the past, Tyra. Let’s do this thing.

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America’s Next Top Model: The Possibility of Unperceived Existence

0_LauraNicWoods1118So it’s happened again, another cycle of ANTM has come and gone, like the seasonal flu. Betcha thought I wasn’t going to get around to recapping this thing. To be honest, I had my doubts too, but I’m determined to drag out the hammer and put the final nails in this “petite” sized coffin.

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America’s Next Top Model: So You Think (It Matters If) You Can Hula

0_HulaSadness1111I can’t decide if ANTM is running out of money, or they are cheaping out on the short cycle. First there’s no foreign trip. Not that Hawaii sucks, or anything, but it’s the first time they haven’t gone abroad. Then Tyra photographs not one but two shoots, saving money on a professional. Now we’re booting two girls at once, the second double elimination of the cycle. Did they not want to waste video next week shooting three CoverGirl commercials? Not to mention all the money they are saving by ordering clothes form Gap Kids.

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America’s Next Top Model: Taking the Plunge

0_LauraSand1105After all weirdness of last week’s episode, which was basically a tour around the darker, more imbalanced portions of Tyra’s psyche, this week threw a dose of lithium on the fun, and not for the better. You’d think a bunch of girls in bikinis would be more exciting, especially when one of the bikinis showcased Marissa Miller’s superhuman breasts. Even the threat of potential drowning during the photo shoot didn’t generate many thrills. On the other hand, happy birthday Laura!

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America’s Next Top Model: Sunburn and Blackface

0_LauraAssMakeup1028Hey guys I’m back! Sadly, I had to skip a week of ANTM. But I’ve returned for in time to see the girls leave the country for … Hawaii! Oh wait, that’s still in the country, even if it is one of the freak states. Looks the CW blew all its money on Ashley Simpson’s acting lessons. Wisely spent. Not that Hawaii sucks or anything. It’s where our president pretends to be from! On the other hand, no one gets excited about Hawaiian fashion week or the latest Hawaiian designer. I can’t wait to see how they’ll Tyradential this one out.

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America’s Next Top Model: Maps and Other Ancient Technology

0_NigelSmize1014Hey, we had some actual model type stuff this week! Kinda! The elves were set free from Lilliput to roam Los Angeles on go-sees. I assume ANTM gave them little booster seats for the rental cars. Laura survived an encounter with on them fancified city machines fer yer horseless carriage. And later there’s a photo shoot with the general theme of “pantsless vampire.”

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America’s Next Top Model: A Series of Events Unconnected to Modeling

Obscure metaphor for modeling[Yes, this recap is late. Sorry! I was distracted by pictures of pretty small things that are not models. And, you know, work, life, etc.]

This week on ANTM, things got ever more removed from actual modeling. There was a bunch of product placement, some dancing, and a trip to Vegas. Sure, some photos were produced, but it was more like the survivors of the world’s wildest bachelorette party staggered onto the Cirque du Soleil stage while Weehaugen Seniors Club happened to be in the audience snapping vacation pictures. Even Benny Ninja had trouble livening things up.

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