ANTM: Into The Bush

antm050707_0b.jpgThis week, the girls learn about native Australian dance and culture. Then they celebrate diversity by ganging up on the foreign girl for being different. Yay, American intolerance! After the jump, find out a crazy Russian gold-digger becomes the classiest model in the house.

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ANTM: Days of Whine and Poses

antm050207_0.jpgIt’s a great Top Model this week, as the girls get to do actual normal model stuff, like going on go-sees (while riding kangaroos!) and modeling swimsuits (representing their favorite Bee Gee!). No, really, the cheesy gimmicks are kept to a minimum for a change. Plus, Brittany provides the model meltdown of the cycle. All in the recap.

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Oz-Fest!

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Crikey, it’s the outback for our sheilas! Pack up your budgie smugglers in your tucker bag and come along as the models throw a wobbly over the lucky country. You’ll be grinning like a shot fox, as the sheilas shoot their first commercial. So sink some piss and read the recap, mate. You’ll be happier than a doodle with a mappa tassie (just be sure you’ve got your franger!).

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ANTM: Look Who’s Talking

antm041107_0.thumbnail.jpgIt’s children’s week on Top Model, as we get visits from model’s kids and a comic book photo shoot. Pedro stops by to wring the last, tiny drop of fame from Napoleon Dynamite, and former contestants return to recreate their former glory. Or whatever it is you get from humiliating yourself on national television. Eh, lets just call it glory. All that in the recap, plus lesbians!

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ANTM: Facial Disgracial

antm040407_0.jpgThis week on Top Model, it’s party time when the girls are introduced to the fine art of D-List starfucking. Renee is shocked, shocked, to find out the other girls think she’s a bitch. And the girls get a chance to limber up their facial muscles. No, not that way, perverts. Find out in the recap.

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ANTM: Sausage Fest!

antm032807_0.jpgIf you’re worried about this week’s Top Model, let me assure you, there are no dead bodies or nudity in this week’s show. In the trunk of my car, yes. But enough about why this recap is late. In this episode, we get an outing to the fashion mecca that is Sears; the girls get taught, and completely fail to learn, how to dress themselves; and evil Renee comes out to play. All that, plus zany transvestite fun, in the recap.

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ANTM: Kill Me Now

antm032107_0.jpgI went into this Top Model with high hopes. Surely, I thought, they can’t do worse than the previous photo concepts, can they? Things have got to improve, right? Well, I was horribly, tragically wrong. While last week’s naked ice cream shoot may have turned out to be a candy-coated clusterfuck, at least it was fine in concept (naked+ice cream=fine). This episode’s shoot left me wishing I could boil my eyeballs and douche my brain. On the other hand, if you can’t get through an episode of CSI without compulsively masturbating, this is the Top Model you’ve been waiting for. Find out more in the recap.

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ANTM: Ice Cream Anti-Social

antm031407_1.jpg Candy Coated Nude Girls. Do I really need more of a teaser than that? Fine, a little something for the straight gals and gay guys: Tyra is Bald (maybe). All that, plus the tears, bitching, and bad haircuts we love about the makeover episode. Who gets the “Rosemary’s Baby” treatment this cycle? (Sadly, that’s just the hair, not the devil sex.) It’s all covered in the recap. Did I mention there are pictures of naked chicks?

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ANTM: High School Flooze-ical

0golfclothes.jpgPreviously on Top Model, we sought answers to complex societal issues. Is Sarah the center of the Sarahverse? Yes. Can you be too stupid to model? Apparently. Can Tyra step? No. Can Tyra make any subject about her? If you don’t know the answer, you’re clearly an ANTM newcomer, welcome. I’ll try to explain things as we go. In this episode, the models head back to high school and give the kids a show to remember, Samantha pines for her kin back at the holler, Renee approaches a psychotic break, and Tyra almost make me like her before she BREAKS MY HEART.

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