01.26.12 | Bachelor 

The episode where Samantha learns to not ask a guy “what he’s thinking”

Another season of bachelor is here and man did i miss this show! Its enough to make one dust off ones blogging computer and get back in the game.

This season seems to have a record number of Clingy/psycho/ugly chicks. And almost ALL of them have low self esteem! And what does ABC do with them? Sticks them in house to fight over the same guy, ply them with a bunch of chardonnay, then films the results. The result is TV GOLD. This week we had the harshest elimination yet, some serious cat fighting (what else is new) and country music! My reactions after the jump.

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05.18.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Will You Delude Me?

bachelor051208pIt’s the season finale of The Bachelor. How will handsome Matt choose between Chelsea, the gurgly-voiced vixen, and Shayne, the blond daughter of Hollywood not-royalty? The girls must meet Matt’s milky British family before he can decide on whose finger he will slip that sparkly Tacori ring! I said “Tacori.” Where’s my check? Chelsea and Shayne have one last chance to laugh at Matt’s jokes and prance around in bikinis before the final, FINAL rose ceremony! Let’s discover which tanorrific woman wins his heart, after the jump.

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05.04.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Barbados and Barbadon’ts

bachelor042808nAfter the thrilling hometown dates, it’s time to seal the deal and thrust our bachelorettes into the fantasy suites! (Haha! I said thrust. That’s a hard word to say, actually. Maybe I’m just drunk.) The three remaining tanorexics, Shayne, Amanda, and Chelsea, don their best resort wear and attempt to woo Matt. Who will win Matt’s affection? Who will call him a douchebag to his face? Let’s find out!

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04.27.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Matt’s Lamastastic, Nippletastic Hometown Adventures

bachelor042108zThe hometown date episode usually ends up deeply embarrassing for one of our dear bachelorettes. (Remember Sheena’s mom last season?) Unfortunately, that isn’t really the case this year. Even Shayne’s mom, whose appearance made me hope for the very craziest of the crazies, is fairly tame. Except for her breasts, which are certainly untame-able. Let’s go meet some fake-cougar mommies, some real live Lamases, and a slew of very enthusiastic daddies!

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04.20.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Fire and Ice

bachelor041408j Tonight, on The Bachelor, the most frightening confrontation yet! Um, yeah, it isn’t that bad OR that exciting, which is somewhat disappointing. Matt must narrow the field from four to six, and tonight is particularly important. You see, Matt will be meeting the mommies, daddies, and Lamas’s of the remaining girls. PRESSURE! Read on to find out if Robin can get even more snotty and obnoxious! (Spoiler: she can! She really can!)

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04.13.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Boobs, Ballads and British Tea!

bachelor040708nMatt the Bachelor seems to get more serious as time goes on. More serious in that he actually seems to be taking this seriously. Tonight, Matt plays tennis, dances, makes out, cooks food, and then makes out some more. He’s a busy man! But is he any closer to finding the overly tan American woman of his dreams/nightmares? Let’s find out together.

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04.06.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: A Spray-On Tan Saves the Day

bachelor033108hIn yet another epic, 90-minute Bachelor, we travel from a movie premiere to a rugby (or “British football,” as Matt kindly phrases it for we American morons) field to a “wine estate” in Ojai. I don’t want to ruin the recap for you, but some terrifying girl-on-girl self-tanning occurs, as well as some very British tackling. Click through for some of Kelly’s drunken wisdom and a bit of Matt’s chest hair. Cheerio!

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03.30.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Bringing Down the House, One Ear-Splitting Voice at a Time

bachelor032408x You know what is funny about this week’s Bachelor? Sadly, not much. It’s kind of a ho-hum episode, but Matt remains charming, gracious, and, well, British. And hot. Happily, the girls seem even drunker this season than last, which creates much emotional havoc, especially for the grumpy spawn of Lorenzo Lamas. Also in this episode: Matt’s adorable red cheeks. It’s worth it. Let’s go!

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03.23.08 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Everything’s Bigger in Britain

bachelor031708zIn this, the 90 minute (omg, soooo long) premiere filled with the CRAZIEST BACHELORETTES EVER, we meet Matt, a genuinely handsome Brit who seems to have no major flaws. Except for, you know, being on The Bachelor. Come with me, reader, on a magical journey to meet Matt and his 25 delusional American females. Let’s see who makes the cut! Sadly, my favourite (see, I spelled it all British and stuff!) doesn’t make it. A degree in nutrition and a knowledge of “upbringing cars” simply isn’t what it used to be. Cheerio!

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11.25.07 | Bachelor, Recaps 

The Bachelor: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home

bachelor111907pIn Bachelor-land, the competition for Brad’s heart comes to it’s DRAMATIC and UNPRECEDENTED conclusion. We’ve sat through hours of Brad’s monotonous, strange speeches (filled with hundreds of “understatements” and dozens of “amazing”s and possibly thousands of “I’m confused”s) and far too little footage of him showering, all to make it to this very moment. Who will he choose? Gummy-Jenni or Blinky-DeAnna?

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