05.03.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Poisoning Our Minds

I love it. I mention it every week and it seems the Surreal Life editors play it up more and more each successive episode. What is “It?” “It” is the opening “Yawntage” seen every week to open the show. Now that we can say with confidence that this season is by far the most uneventful and lackluster, we can also say the editors definitely agree. I mean, if they felt otherwise, would they have shown us a full minute the housemates yawning, stretching, and rubbing their eyes? And keep in mind that “A full minute” constitutes 18% of each episode.

[Note to the show’s editors: Please don’t take that last sentence as a complaint – believe me, we like it that way. It’s like, we all enjoy Hershey Kisses, right? Small, sweet, and easily digested. But those huge 1 pound novelty kisses our annoying white trash relatives give us when they make the trek to Amish Country and Hershey Park? Everyone hates them and no one can actually eat them. In other words, keep the episodes short and sweet, please.]

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04.28.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: If Tyra Banks Can Do It…

The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don’t care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don’t know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week’s show.

(And to think… I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain’t exactly full of complaints.)

Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his “show?!” Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?

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04.17.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Going Against the Flo

Not for the first time, The Surreal Life opened with a stirring montage of coffee making, nail painting, sleeping, and George Jefferson yawning. I am now convinced that the show’s editors, upon realizing at the end of filming that this season was a real bore, thought it would be funny to start each show alluding to that fact. Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly get me excited to watch, let alone recap, the show. “Hey, sg-dub, what did you do for Easter?”

“It was awesome! I watched the following conversation take place at the beginning of “The Surreal Life:” The transsexual Alexis Arquette alerted Playboy TV’s Andrea Lowell that her thong was showing, for which she was grateful. This somewhat puzzled Alexis, who (despite having a penis) stated, “I like to show my thong.” Enter 80’s video has-been and spouse abuser Tawny Kitaen who elevated the discourse, noting, “I don’t like showing my ass, but I do like showing my thong.” Not to be outdone, classy Alexis quipped, “I like to show my ass IN a thong!”

Yes, dear readers, He is Risen!

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04.11.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Life Stuck in Park? Must be the Tranny

The trailers for this week’s Surreal Life 6 episode promised excitement and conflict. Heck, after the first few shows, I was downright giddy for some crazy hijinks. Conversely, the trailers also showed a sleeping Sherman Hemsley. Sigh, when a show advertises that it puts one of it’s leading cast members to sleep, imagine what it’s doing to us viewers?

Yeah. “Imagine…” I suppose that’s what 95% of you must do because honestly, who’s actually watching this season? It’s really a shame, too, because I was such a believer in the show. I absolutely loved Seasons 1, and 2, and rather enjoyed 4. I never got into 3, but it spawned Flavor of Love, so I guess it was alright. (It also had that NKOTB kid on it, Jordan, who has apparently walked off the set of the “Surreal Life All-Stars” filming now.) And it’s no secret I hated 5, but I figured the show would return to its roots this go-round.

This episode was the first to attempt to do just that – the carnage after the jump.

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04.03.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: No Gnus is Actually Really Boring Gnus

There was one throwaway line in this week’s Surreal Life that sums up the overall tone and feeling of the entire episode: Tawny Kitaen made some unfunny comment to the mayor of San Luis Obispo about his son which prompted the mayor to dourly respond, “My son passed away 15 years ago.” Ouch.

Ouch indeed. As Tawny was dealing with that punch in her flabby gut, we viewers were dealing with a similar feeling simply from watching the entire episode… The episode that went nowhere, accomplished nothing, and contained such emptiness that Friedrich Nietze was surely behind it all. After all, you can’t tell me that God is alive after seeing 7 nobodies doing nothing and VH1 pretending it’s entertaining.

And yet, I will still recap it. I’ll probably make up a bunch of stuff and allow a stream of consciousness style take over – simply to make up for the likes of Maven Huffman, Sherman Hemsley, Steve Harwell, and Florence Henderson – all four of which said a grand total of maybe 50 words this episode. Let’s see where my mind wanders, after the jump…

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03.27.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Making the (Really Crappy) Video

I’m conflicted. About midway through last season’s Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again – having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I’m thoroughly bored watching the most […]

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03.20.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Remember The Savage… Skidmark

Early Sunday evening, after I enjoyed a few pops with EdHill at my favorite local watering hole watching my Uconn Huskies advance to the Sweet 16, I ate some dinner and dozed off in my comfy living room chair. A few hours later I was awoken by the plaintive wails of my 2-month old son, baby-dub.

“Daaa-liii,” he mused, “Daaa-liiiii!” Whatever, I thought; he’s just testing out a new sound. Awakened, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock to see what time it was – Whoa! In my beery sleep-deprived state, the clock appeared to be melting off the wall! Totally freaked, I looked around and noticed the windows had gotten very small. “Daaa-liii,” baby-dub continued. Oh… Wait… That’s right, it was time for another season of VH1’s Surreal Life and my genius son was simply reminding me not to miss the premiere. And boy, am I glad he remembered – because my weekend wouldn’t have been complete without seeing a prosthetic boob, a bunch of washed up coke-heads, and a skidmark for the ages.

Yes folks, it’s back. Making lemonade out of a lemon, after the jump.

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10.12.05 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Que Sera Surreal

Crack the champagne and light up that cigar, we made it to the hour-long finale of The Surreal Life 5, one of the most tiring, confounding, and annoying shows ever to air. The show was completely hijacked this season by the two most attention-starved media whores in history: Omarosa and Janice Dickinson. What began as a moderately interesting “made for reality TV” little rivalry a couple months ago rapidly descended into a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape. I would never have watched this series through to the end had I not been “on assignment.” Those two old crows constantly bitching and clawing at each other became too much for me to bear – however, I guess the race to the photo finish to determine who would be crowned “Woman I Hate Most” would hold my interest. The winner will be announced by the end of the recap.
In the beginning it was definitely Janice Dickinson who looked to be the clear-cut winner; hurling offensive insults at retarded children, picking fights for no reason, refusing to partake in various activities, bitching at everything, and drunkenly exposing her crotch-rot to the innocent world. Then, sensing her time in the Surreal House would be for naught if she didn’t step up the nonsense, Omarosa turned up the bitch factor. Then she kicked it in to warp speed over the last few episodes, overtaking Janice for the lead in BitchRace 05 – cackling, hurling endless insults, and doing whatever she could do to drive Janice insane. Er, I mean, drive Janice even more insane.

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10.08.05 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Cappy’s Back!*

*Not that Cappy, this one.

This week’s episode of The Surreal Life, running nearly nonstop on VH1, continued and concluded the Sally Jesse Rafael “Dirty Laundry” segment. Last week she determined Balki, Janice, and Jose to be “real.” This week, the focus would be entirely on Omarosa herself. Somewhere in between, I’m sure, Sally spent about 6 seconds each on Pepa, Caprice, and Carey Hart – equaling the airtime they’ve gotten all season. Something tells me that Carey’s home life with Pink is far more interesting than anything Omarosa does, but I’m forced to work with what they give me. No matter how insipid.

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09.27.05 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Janice Lewd? Omarosa Bitchy? Par For the Course

Since last week’s episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that […]

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