Hooray for us! We made it… To the finale of The Cut. I’d like to thank both of you for completing this journey with me. Honestly, how many of you can say that you saw every minute of this show – through the five timeslot changes, through the month of NFL pre-emptions, through all the clichés and the silliness? We should definitely give out prizes to those of you who did. In lieu of that, I guess we’ll just have to re-live the finale and discuss who and how the show’s big prize was doled out. The show included another daunting task, two new hats on the head of finalist Chris, and a return of Crazy Jeff – quite possibly the most fascinating reality contestant of the summer. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Have I lured you in with my deliciously cryptic title? (Because I damn well know the majority of you didn’t actually watch last Friday’s show.) I have to admit, I’m a little behind in my recaps because, well, I’m human and took a little break from reality TV in deference to watching the news channels. One of these days, a horrible natural disaster will impact a reality show (Survivor: Tsunami or Real World: Key West) and I’ll be interested to see how it plays out on TV. I’m disgusted that Big Brother hasn’t (apparently) told the hamsters about Katrina. To watch Ivette and April kvetch and bitch about the rigors of their Big Brother lives just doesn’t sit well with me these days. But enough proselytizing from me – that’s not why you come to this site. You’re reading this because you just can’t stand the suspense of The Cut and just need to know who the final three are for the finale Wednesday night. That’s right, CBS has moved The Cut again (not to mention the multiple times it’s been pre-empted regionally for NFL preseason games) and the finale has very likely already aired by the time you’re reading this. Funny thing is, you don’t give a shit.
As has happened to many The Cut fans in the last few weeks, local affiliates pre-empted the show in favor of horribly bad NFL preseason games. This week, the LA office was hit by a Raiders game and the East Coast office had already deleted the show from their TiVos. As a result, we have a recap, but no screen captures. Worse, cbs.com hasn’t even updated their “photo galleries” for several weeks – Even they don’t care about the show anymore.
My last two “Cut” recaps were both ridiculously long – but that could be attributed to the fact that the last two episodes were rather compelling. Hell, dare I say that the last couple shows were even more interesting than a Beau or April HOH reign on Big Brother? Would The Cut sustain such lofty heights for 3 shows in a row? In a word – no. In four words – not even frickin close. Once again, the show succumbed to its own screwed up sense of what constitutes a good challenge – thoroughly over-thinking and unnecessarily confusing what could have been pretty interesting. Such is life with HALfiger and his gang. And such is my excuse for a (slightly) shorter recap.
… And sweaty guys and squirts on shirts and bubble blowing and – you know what? Baseball is gay enough as it is, so no need to make it any gayer, Wes. What the hell am I talking about? In the latest episode of The Cut, Wes gave us his singular vision of what New York says to him: Hot guys with sweaty wieners and nice balls. And I say more power to him – it’s about damn time we move past the 9/11 iconography and into a new age of homoeroticism. Transit cops, grow those mustaches and lose those shirts! Times Square, be the Pink Triangle you truly are! Homeless bums, pig piles on Fridays! Broadway shows, stay just the way you are, sister! But I digress… The show was about more than just Wes’s gay fantasies as there were six others still competing for The Cut’s crown. And the show is definitely picking up steam – Chelsea bath house steam, perhaps, but steam nonetheless.
With The Cut now in its 4th different timeslot on CBS, it’s becoming almost fun to see it appear in my TiVo cue. The latest move, to Friday nights, appears to be its last stop on its collision course with Reality Oblivion. I guess they could shift it to UPN Saturday nights or something… Time will tell. This week’s episode did benefit from the Tiffany Network’s bold move to air Veronica Mars as a lead-in. And judging from recent TVgasm posts regarding that show, perhaps more than the usual 6 of you actually watched The Cut. And if you did, you saw the hands-down best episode of the year…
The Cut has been a tragedy from the get-go; horrible host, blatantly derivative format, boring cast, confusing challenges, arbitrary judgments, etc. Normally, I’d have given up on the show long ago… But unlike the show’s Felix, I’m not a quitter. Felix, you see, was responsible for the title of this week’s episode: “I’m a grown-ass man and I quit.” I would have pegged him for a breast man, but I’m getting ahead of myself. So before we get to the cause of our intrepid Latino skateboarder’s declaration, let’s explore what brought him to the brink.
With Crazy Psycho Jeff getting cut last episode, I wondered how the show would be this week. I mean, that guy freaked me out and pissed me off, but he was fun to discuss in my recaps. With him gone, who would fill the void left by his departed lunacy? What would add excitement and unpredictability to the show from now on? Surely there’d be something. Lo and behold, my heart rate immediately doubled at the outset: The bottom quarter of my screen was filled with “Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning” and an endless crawl describing the terribly exciting result of water falling from the sky in large quantities when a cold front mixes with a warm front. I was mesmerized.
But unfortunately, there was a show going on at the same time that I had to pay attention to as well. Like all reality shows, the footage began at the moment immediately following the latest eviction. Shauna (Native American name: Waddles with Fox Coat) spoke for everyone, including me, regarding Jeff, “Thank god we got rid of that Bozo.” Oddly, the conversation then took a turn and everyone lamented that Elizabeth was still around. Since day one, no one has liked Elizabeth, and I’ve never quite figured out why. Is it her Sally Jesse Rafael glasses? If only their reasoning was so logical.
Having seen the previews and having read the show’s title (“I Just Stabbed Myself”), I had slightly higher hopes for The Cut last week. I knew it was going to be a really wild show with crazy rock and rollers, drunkenness, and with a bit of luck, Crazy Jeff stabbing himself to death. Ok, “to death” is a bit harsh – but it sure reads better than “stabbing himself to critical but stable condition.” Before we got to the fun stuff, though, we had to review the devastation James’ dismissal caused after last Style Forum. Everyone liked James. Hell, I even liked James! The Cutters couldn’t believe HALfiger-9000 had a 404 Error and sent the wrong person home. Everyone would be on their toes from this point forward, that’s for sure.
My apologies for the lateness of these “Cut” recaps. And my sincerest apologies to you if you actually watch this show. Seriously, why? Do you have to write recaps for other blogs or something? Due to vacations and conflicts and such, we missed the July 7th episode on all the various office TiVo’s. I did watch it while drinking in Florida, however, and will do my best to catch y’all up. It’s a shame we missed that one because it was actually a pretty good episode. Ok, it sucked, but I found that if you only half-ass watch “The Cut” while downing a few Coronas on vacation, it’s not so bad.
In preparation for this week’s episode of “The Cut,” I dug out my authentic 19th century Little House on the Prairie schoolmarm wooden chair. It was the only thing I could think of uncomfortable enough to keep me awake for the entire show. Upon reading the description of this week’s challenge, I was heartened to note that it appeared as though “The Cut” would finally be ripping off “Project Runway” like we expected it to do all along. Oh, sure, the Apprentice atmospherics were still fully in place: the bustling avenue filled with taxis, the slow motion helicopter fly-bys above famous Manhattan landmarks, the steam rising from the sidewalks – but this week the Cutters would actually be dealing with – gasp – fashion! You know, the thing that we (and the contestants) thought the show would be about from the get-go. Call us crazy. Well, we viewers (which may just be me at this point) are crazy I suppose for watching this mess. But the Cutters have real incentive to be there, even in the subzero chill of mid-winter Manhattan. Hilfiger (or HALfiger-9000 as I call him in reference to his monotonous android manner of speaking), met with everyone outside in Bryant Park to discuss the next challenge. One (more) thing that makes watching this show difficult is that it was filmed during January or February when hats, mittens, and coats were necessary. It’s just weird watching the show now in July with a bead of sweat trickling down my cheek from the summer heat – oh, wait… That’s actually a tear now that I realized the show had only just begun and I still had a full hour to endure.
Remember when Vanilla Ice came out and publicly stated that “Ice Ice Baby” didn’t lift any samples from Queen’s “Under Pressure?” His insane insistence that his song’s hook wasn’t lifted from the operatic rockers was just so ridiculous it became kind of a joke. Well, I imagine Tommy Hilfiger pulled off the same stunt to CBS when he pitched “The Cut.” After he described “The ApprentiCut,” I can only assume the network brass said, “Great, an Apprentice clone starring Tommy Hilfiger. What will you do – mix it up by emulating other reality shows week to week and pretend that you’re doing something original?” Unfortunately for us viewers, the network brass didn’t lay on the sarcasm enough and this show actually got made. And I actually watch it.
It’s almost fun to see what show (or shows) “The Cut” will mimic week to week. It’s getting so bad (after only 3 episodes!) that I half expect the aspiring designers to be marooned on a South Pacific island where they have to sing Paul Anka songs for a salty English judge. But I digress – and I also just came up with a pretty cool episode of “AmeriCut Immunity Idol.” You read it here first, folks.