Previously on True Blood: Sookie and Alcide were hooking up, Eric and Bill were looking for Russell, Tara and Pam were bonding, and 50 other characters were doing a lot of unrelated bullshit. Oh yeah, and the fairies are back. Can’t forget about the stupid fairies! This week: the smoke monster from LOST shows it has the best agent in Hollywood.
I’m a week behind, due to the festivities surrounding AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY (and shame on the rest of you for not taking a week off; I’ve reported you all as Communists), so let’s recap last week’s episode! Fair warning: I was the drunkest I’ve probably ever been while watching this show, in the hopes that I would like it more. Let’s see if that’s the case! The previous episode, if you recall, not much happened. Tara tried to kill herself for the millionth time, which is where the show picks up again.
Lots of Tara this week, you guys. Brace yourselves. This is going to be the Season of Tara. Also: the fairies are back, Eric and Bill get caught up in all sorts of sexposition, Pam continues to be awesome, and JASON WAS RAPED AS A CHILD. Sorry, I’m just in shock that this is apparently a thing we are now going to have to learn about. Thankfully, there are very few werewolves or shapeshifting girlfriends this episode, which always makes things more enjoyable. Let’s get to it!
On this episode of True Blood, like 8 million things happen but also nothing really happens. Lots of stuff PRETENDS to happen, but when you think about it what plots were even advanced in the slightest? So, since this hour wasted our time, let’s all waste some more time by reading a bunch of dumb words about it! NOW YOU’RE HOOKED. Anyway, if that didn’t drag you in, I promise you at some point in this recap you will see a hilarious picture of a puppy wearing a dress and it is just the best thing ever. So get reading!
So, True Blood is back! Did you miss it? Did you not even think about it at all for even one little second until realizing yesterday morning that it was coming back? COOL! All our old friends are back: the whiny one! The sexy one! The one with abs! The one with stupid powers! The demon baby! (I actually don’t remember what happened with the demon baby. Did they bury it in a hole with its ghost mother or something? Who cares. RIP demon baby.)
Quick note: I barely remember anything that happened on this show. I wasn’t even going to try to recap it until five minutes into the premiere, when there were about 20 characters running all over the screen at super-speed, screaming nonsense sentences at each other, and I thought, “Oh, fuck, I have to make fun of this on the internet to justify still watching it.” So, anyway, I don’t remember what half these characters are doing (or half their names, for that matter), so bear with me as I try to figure it all out again. Anyway, let’s get to it!
This weeks ANTM was rather tame, which is probably expected after make over drama in week 2, and Louise’s meltdown in week 3. Excuse me, I mean Chameeleoné’s meltdown the week before. This week the girls wore bad hats and got advice from a “brand futurist” which is not, and never will be, an occupation. Still, there were fights and crying and threats to leave! Plus, there’s Nigel looking sexy in a t-shirt. Shall we?
Coming into this episode, I was all excited about spending some time with my old pal Cat Deeley. Would there be a dancing challenge? A hosting challenge? Sadly, Cat was not involved in the challenge at all, which is too bad because the girls could have really used the expertise she cultivated in dealing with the So You Think You Can Dance judges all these years in this week’s “How to get along with overbearing personalities while still acting like adult” challenge. And by “girls” I mean “Louise.” And by “Louise” I mean “Chameeloné.” Confused? This recap will probably do nothing to clear things up.
Ready for another super timely ANTM recap? What if I promised you there would be Kardashians? No, wait, don’t go! What I meant to say is that there would be makeovers! Yay! … and Kardashians. Sorry, just like death and taxes, there ‘s no way to avoid them. But seriously, makeovers, this time with patriotic hair dye and more bangs than a porn convention. Plus, haggis!
Well here we are again, Tyra. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I think the last we were together like this was the circus dwarf cycle. And then … we drifted apart, somehow. Was it that the increasingly gimmicky themes seemed to be your confession that the show has nothing to do with actual modeling? Or that your more insane tendencies seem to have been reined in over the last few cycles? Ha, ha kidding about that last thing. No one tames crazy like yours, Tyra. It runs wild and free like a beautiful, unmedicated mustang. But let’s not argue about the past, Tyra. Let’s do this thing.