Not to confuse you before tonight’s new episode of True Blood, but this stuff happened three weeks ago. Yes, this is episode seven of season two, “The One Where Everyone Dies.” After the jump, relive the important lessons learned from this Very Special Episode of True Blood, such as: never trust a guy named Hugo, never sleep with a preacher’s wife, and NEVER invite a cop to an orgy. So, basically just use common sense. Oh, and since this is True Blood, there’s some nudity in the following recap, so don’t read this at work or to your kids at bedtime. Kids love True Blood recaps, right?
I’m flying through these episodes in an attempt to catch up, so this is episode six of season two, which aired, like, two months ago. Or something like that. Anyway, with the amount of True Blood I have to watch, I feel like I’m going to do the unthinkable and actually get tired of orgies. But for now, that is most definitely not the case, so let’s jump right into this blood- and cum-soaked episode!
UGH, I know, this episode is very, very late. I apologize profusely. Due to my three weeks of post-graduation travel, saying goodbye to everyone I’ve ever known, and figuring out where I’m going to live/what to do for the rest of my god-forsaken life, I’ve been a little busy. So I’m several episodes behind on the good old TB, but I’m not going to screw you guys out of full recaps and do one giant five-episode summary. That’s no fun, and I want to be able to devote as much space as possible to each and every HJ or BJ that appears on screen. On that note, let’s get to the recap. This is for episode 5, by the way, so just try to remember what happened a month ago. (I know, it’s hard to remember that far back when you’re as old as you are.)
Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, the house has definitely changed with your departure. Nobody else in the house so clearly personified that strange quantity of reality TV: the yawning gap between how likable you think you are and how much the outside world really hates you. Surely some enterprising social scientist has come up with the proper measurement units. Idiometers? Parsucks? Egofeet? As in, “Ronnie’s belief that America loved him was 27 nerdherdians from the truth.” Get on that, Department of Weights and Measures.
Wow, if this season of Big Brother has lacked in terms of savvy deal-making, it’s made up for it in bitter evictions and queasy love triangles. Casey makes a surly half-hearted play to remain in the house, hampered by the apathy of everybody and the pencil-penis-banana costume he’s forced to wear. The producers shake things up in two ways: the dissolution of the cliques that everyone expected, and an America’s Vote that’s finally on something way more important than food. Plus, we can all scour the audience for MSR writer T-bag.
Drama continues to roil the Big Brother house. First we get the massive confrontation of Ronnie, proving that he can fool some of the idiots some of the time but not all of the idiots all of the time. Like evil geniuses before him, Ronnie went back to his lair to cry. It’s just like high school, with less time playing videogames and more time compulsively masturbating.
I have to hand it to Ronnie, he may be a rat or a weasel or whatever dishonest mammal you like, but he did come out on top. He got Braden out of the house, thereby retaining a member of his own clique, and managed a 4-4 split in the votes, meaning there’s plenty of suspects to shift the blame off himself for being the traitor. Plus, he wins HOH! That’s like getting the Sash of Potent Incantations AND the Wyrmguard Legplates! He can totally take the Ragefire Chasm now!
As I mentioned in my welcome back post about training for the NYC Marathon – thanks for the love and support, by the way – I am one of the dozens of people who got hooked on Harper’s Island, the CBS mystery series that over the course of 13 episodes, dispatched several telegenic wedding guests in brutal and totally unbelievable fashion. The show itself was a mess of Lohan-ian proportions, with every single character acting completely unlike anything that even remotely resembled what a real person would do. And, while the show was all about false starts, obvious red herrings and DUN DUN DUN scares, by the last couple of episodes watching some of these characters get dispatched (R.I.P. Chloe & Cal), created some kind of actual emotion. Or it might’ve been gas. I’m not sure.
This season’s Big Brother is off to a roaring start. Usually it takes a week or two before I start to despair for humanity, but this season it’s already happened. Well done BB! This episode featured all the betrayal, lies, fight, slurs, stupidity that we’ve come to know and love about the hamsters. All that, plus Chima delivers the most memorable eviction plea ever, even if most of it is censored.
This week on this miserable show, something awful happens. Lindsay makes a terrible, terrible life decision. Yes, it’s worse than getting a $2400 tattoo that horribly scars your arm and leaves your family bankrupt. Yes, it’s worse than getting kicked out of the dorms and failing your first semester of college. Yes, it’s worse than just being a superbitch like Andrea. Prepare to be disappointed.