05.12.06 | Lost, Recaps 

Lost: I’ve Got a Secret….

lost-5-7-06a.jpgIs Libby dead? Why did Michael shoot her and Ana Lucia? Was Henry Gale behind it all? These and other questions have been keeping me up at night for over a week. I tried booze. I tried pills. I tried nameless sex with a variety of loose women. None of it helped ease my pain. I needed to know. The only thing I could do was wait for the next episode of Lost to find the answers I sought. So six sleepless nights in a row, and to top it all off now I have chlamydia. Thanks a lot, Lost. And to make matters worse, none of those questions were answered this week, but we did get to see a new hatch, and that’s always fun. So when Life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or in my case, when life gives you chlamydia, umm… maybe I should just move on with the recap…

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05.07.06 | Lost, Recaps 

Lost: Ding Dong, the Bitch Is Dead

lost-05-03-06header.jpgWhere do I begin? After another long Lost hiatus filled with repeats and filler “recap” episodes, we finally get to a new episode this week. I was hoping that since it’s now May sweeps we would get an action-packed episode where a lot happens, instead of another slow-moving Hurley relationship episode. Well, at first my fears were realized. Not only was it a slow-moving episode but also an Ana Lucia-based one as well—and as I’m sure some of you are aware, the only thing I like about Ana Lucia is her fantastic orthodontic work.

But there were two things about this episode that really made it rise above. The first is that this was the first day of the official Lost webgame, with a fake Hanso Foundation commercial during the episode giving out our first clues to start us über-nerds on our summer-long hunt. And the second was the most shocking final five minutes of any Lost episode I’ve ever seen.

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05.03.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Poisoning Our Minds

I love it. I mention it every week and it seems the Surreal Life editors play it up more and more each successive episode. What is “It?” “It” is the opening “Yawntage” seen every week to open the show. Now that we can say with confidence that this season is by far the most uneventful and lackluster, we can also say the editors definitely agree. I mean, if they felt otherwise, would they have shown us a full minute the housemates yawning, stretching, and rubbing their eyes? And keep in mind that “A full minute” constitutes 18% of each episode.

[Note to the show’s editors: Please don’t take that last sentence as a complaint – believe me, we like it that way. It’s like, we all enjoy Hershey Kisses, right? Small, sweet, and easily digested. But those huge 1 pound novelty kisses our annoying white trash relatives give us when they make the trek to Amish Country and Hershey Park? Everyone hates them and no one can actually eat them. In other words, keep the episodes short and sweet, please.]

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04.28.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: Tossed Salad With Avocado

042406a.jpgI am going to whip my balls out onto the table and state that I believe the latest episode of Prison Break is one of the most complex and difficult shows ever recapped. Wait – why did I just pull my sack out? I hope no one saw that. I don’t mean to whine or make excuses but seriously, it’s like the writers took a bunch of speed before their writing session. “Shit was crazy,” as they say.

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04.28.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: If Tyra Banks Can Do It…

The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don’t care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don’t know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week’s show.

(And to think… I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain’t exactly full of complaints.)

Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his “show?!” Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?

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04.21.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: One Flew Over the Origami Crane’s Nest

041706a1.jpg FOX is doing viewers a disservice by airing Prison Break and “24” back to back. They are creating a Zombie Nation; that is, watching these two shows makes viewers so frantic and frazzled, no one is able to get to sleep until 2 or 3 AM every Monday night. If and when these guys ever get out of prison, they’re going to be so bored with the real world that they’ll yearn for the excitement, socialization, and danger of prison life again. They certainly seem to have it better than I do these days – exciting poker games, art classes, loads of recess time, sex on demand (albeit freaky tranny sex, but still…)

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04.17.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Going Against the Flo

Not for the first time, The Surreal Life opened with a stirring montage of coffee making, nail painting, sleeping, and George Jefferson yawning. I am now convinced that the show’s editors, upon realizing at the end of filming that this season was a real bore, thought it would be funny to start each show alluding to that fact. Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly get me excited to watch, let alone recap, the show. “Hey, sg-dub, what did you do for Easter?”

“It was awesome! I watched the following conversation take place at the beginning of “The Surreal Life:” The transsexual Alexis Arquette alerted Playboy TV’s Andrea Lowell that her thong was showing, for which she was grateful. This somewhat puzzled Alexis, who (despite having a penis) stated, “I like to show my thong.” Enter 80’s video has-been and spouse abuser Tawny Kitaen who elevated the discourse, noting, “I don’t like showing my ass, but I do like showing my thong.” Not to be outdone, classy Alexis quipped, “I like to show my ass IN a thong!”

Yes, dear readers, He is Risen!

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04.14.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: One, Two, Three Men in a SHU

041006b.jpgLast week offered a bit of a respite from the frantic nervousness of the typical Prison Break episode. That tranquil feeling continued for about 2 minutes this week as we revisited Michael and his little science fair project in Warden Pope’s office. I’m so glad the show didn’t “forget” the Popsicle stick Taj Mahal – it’s such a beautiful thing amidst the ugliness of prison life. And seeing Michael’s crafty diligence in the face of a melted shoulder blade, a condemned brother, a failed escape, and a missing pinky toe is an inspiration to us all.

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04.11.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Life Stuck in Park? Must be the Tranny

The trailers for this week’s Surreal Life 6 episode promised excitement and conflict. Heck, after the first few shows, I was downright giddy for some crazy hijinks. Conversely, the trailers also showed a sleeping Sherman Hemsley. Sigh, when a show advertises that it puts one of it’s leading cast members to sleep, imagine what it’s doing to us viewers?

Yeah. “Imagine…” I suppose that’s what 95% of you must do because honestly, who’s actually watching this season? It’s really a shame, too, because I was such a believer in the show. I absolutely loved Seasons 1, and 2, and rather enjoyed 4. I never got into 3, but it spawned Flavor of Love, so I guess it was alright. (It also had that NKOTB kid on it, Jordan, who has apparently walked off the set of the “Surreal Life All-Stars” filming now.) And it’s no secret I hated 5, but I figured the show would return to its roots this go-round.

This episode was the first to attempt to do just that – the carnage after the jump.

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04.10.06 | Lost, Recaps 

Lost: Appetite for Destruction

lost-04-05-06a.jpgSo what to do when you have to follow up what has to be one of the best Lost episodes of the season? Well if you’re ABC, the answer is simple—hit the brakes. Bigtime. After last week’s jaw-dropping ending where Sayid totally punks “Henry Gale,” proving that he is the Other we all knew he was, we now get an hour of Hurley complaining about how fat he is. It’s kind of like a cancer patient complaining about how much cancer they have, the only difference of course is that the cancer patient can’t stop his cancer.

I’m sorry I sound bitter, but I just want to see what happens in the hatch. That’s all I care about right now. Hurley can eat all the peanut butter he wants as long as I get to see Sayid shove bamboo rods under Henry’s fingernails. But still, a fresh Lost episode is nothing to scoff at. It’s still Lost and it’s still good.

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