Crack the champagne and light up that cigar, we made it to the hour-long finale of The Surreal Life 5, one of the most tiring, confounding, and annoying shows ever to air. The show was completely hijacked this season by the two most attention-starved media whores in history: Omarosa and Janice Dickinson. What began as a moderately interesting “made for reality TV” little rivalry a couple months ago rapidly descended into a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape. I would never have watched this series through to the end had I not been “on assignment.” Those two old crows constantly bitching and clawing at each other became too much for me to bear – however, I guess the race to the photo finish to determine who would be crowned “Woman I Hate Most” would hold my interest. The winner will be announced by the end of the recap.
In the beginning it was definitely Janice Dickinson who looked to be the clear-cut winner; hurling offensive insults at retarded children, picking fights for no reason, refusing to partake in various activities, bitching at everything, and drunkenly exposing her crotch-rot to the innocent world. Then, sensing her time in the Surreal House would be for naught if she didn’t step up the nonsense, Omarosa turned up the bitch factor. Then she kicked it in to warp speed over the last few episodes, overtaking Janice for the lead in BitchRace 05 – cackling, hurling endless insults, and doing whatever she could do to drive Janice insane. Er, I mean, drive Janice even more insane.
Here’s a tip. When a police detective who suspects you of murder asks if you want to see a lawyer, say YES. That’s right, Bree Van De Kamp, who we always thought was the smart one in the bunch (because prettiest and weirdest were already taken), makes the cardinal sin of virtually every perp Lenny Briscoe ever interviewed, or every skel Sipowitz ever beat up. But that’s not all that happened this week on Desperate Housewives. We got to see an Oscar-nominated actress pistol whip a huge crazy guy, and Eva Longoria’s first actual attempt at acting since she played Flight Attendant #3 in a March 2000 episode of 90210. But before we get started, the weekly sports anecdote to keep my testosterone levels in check. The Red Sox lost, but that’s OK because so did the Spankmees. A-Rod’s misfortune is my schadenfreude. My pick to win the World Series is the White Sox. You can take that to the bank. Now that that’s out of the way, on with the recap…
First things first… NBC moved Martha Stewart’s Apprentice to 9PM, apparently sacrificing it to Lost so they’d have an excuse for the show’s failure. But a funny thing happened – her audience grew, according to industry rags. Now, there may be a logical explanation for this and it may be the very same reason you’re reading this recap right now. The Donald himself made a cameo appearance during the show – a show which had an odd synchronicity with the original Apprentice this week. So much so that I had to alter my original recap title, which exactly mirrored B-Side’s for Donald’s show. Creepy. Well, maybe not “creepy,” per se, or even interesting. Worth mentioning, perhaps?
As I’ve said before, I actually like Martha’s version… I can’t quite explain why, maybe it’s just because it’s different. (This after I just wrote how the shows were similar this week. Sigh.) The main question on my lips this week was whether the guy I pegged as “The Silent Croatian” would speak up at all during the show. The answer after the jump.
*Not that Cappy, this one.
This week’s episode of The Surreal Life, running nearly nonstop on VH1, continued and concluded the Sally Jesse Rafael “Dirty Laundry” segment. Last week she determined Balki, Janice, and Jose to be “real.” This week, the focus would be entirely on Omarosa herself. Somewhere in between, I’m sure, Sally spent about 6 seconds each on Pepa, Caprice, and Carey Hart – equaling the airtime they’ve gotten all season. Something tells me that Carey’s home life with Pink is far more interesting than anything Omarosa does, but I’m forced to work with what they give me. No matter how insipid.
Yes, that’s right, it’s time for another Season of Making The Band 3 with Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy. And midseasonreplacements will be here covering it all, from recapping the show, to liveblogging from the wrap party at Diddy’s Hampton estate. Why recap Making the Band 3? Well, I had watched previous iterations of the show only infrequently, despite sg-dub’s constant insistence that Making The Band 2 was one of his top ten reality shows of all time. And the parody on Chappelle’s Show was probably one of the funniest things I had ever seen (at least before the Apprentice Lamborghini marketing pitch). What really turned me around to becoming a devotee of the show (or a “Bander” as I have now nicknamed us) were two things. Watching Sean Combs go on the Today Show to make his surprise “announcement,” and the MTV VMA’s. When he revealed on the Today Show that his big announcement was simply him changing his stupid nickname, the unintentional hilarity of that was simply off the charts. And as far as the VMA’s were concerned, it was just an exercise in massive unquenchable hubris on such a grand scale as to boggle the mind. Never in our American experience have we been blessed with a man with such an inflated sense of his own mediocre talent. I mean deep down Kevin Federline knows that he’s just another white trash good ol’ boy who hit the jackpot. Granted it’s buried underneath years of built-up grime, soot and the smell of a thousand bottles of Olde English, but its there. But Diddy is so far gone that he thinks him changing his name constitutes news, that his silly clothes aren’t dumb and that musically he isn’t just an overblown DJ. A man such as this is prime real estate in the world of midseasonreplacements. And I am proud to take on the task.
I went against conventional wisdom last week and wrote a more or less positive review of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Her ratings were abysmal and other critics have blasted her spin-off show. I should have known it would garner that response – it’s the curse of me. If I recap your network reality show, it’s gonna suck. (Let’s give this ridiculous curse theory some push… I want the day to come when Martha is in a room with Tommy Hilfiger and Kathy Hilton plotting my demise. The thought of the three most wooden and uncomfortable reality show hosts in history putting their billionaire heads together to discuss li’l ol’ me is just too much.) And this just in, NBC is moving the show to a new timeslot this week to go up against the Lost juggernaut – a sure sign they are burying the show. Look for it on Friday nights at some point soon – or maybe even canceled.
Last week’s Desperate Housewives left off with a decidedly bizarre and sad funeral for Bree’s beloved Rex/really fake looking dummy head, and Susan breaking up with Mike over his psychotic gun-toting son he never knew he had. And with Gabrielle’s Carlos still locked up in the hoosegow and the father of her baby still unknown, it was rather a sad week for the ladies of Wisteria Lane. Let’s hope this week things start looking up for them. Especially since Eli Manning went 19-of-35 with 296 yards and 4 TD’s leading the Giants to a 3-1 record into their bye week and my beloved Red Sox got the AL Wild card, my Sunday was awesome. And if you’re thinking “Is he going to start every one of these recaps with a Sunday sports wrap up?” the answer is yes, I very well might. If I’m going to write in-depth recaps of the biggest chick show on TV, I gotta do something to keep my brawny tough guy street cred in force. I mean last week I almost bought drapes. Drapes for god’s sake. If I keep this up I might actually watch America’s Next Top Model for the fashion instead of catty girl fights and the hopes of a possible nip slip. We’re not there yet, but who knows? Who knows!?!
Since last week’s episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that [...]