This week Heroes managed to be very shouty, yet also very dull. Mostly it was an excuse to hammer home a bunch of points that most of us had already picked up: Nathan is a big ole hypocrite that will be exposed, HRG is not really working for Agent Danvers, and the Heroes writers are not afraid to reuse a plot line.

We meet back up with our outcast Heroes at a cheap motel in Costa Verde. Mohinder, as usual, is being a great big Debbie Downer about the plan to kidnap HRG. He sucks all the fun out being on the lam. Peter’s put his mursing skill to good use and gotten the drugs to knock out HRG and asks the rare logical question, why can’t Matt just read his mind? According to Matt, HRG is too highly trained to simply have his mind read … but not so highly trained he won’t fall for the oldest date-rape trick in the book. Hey, why not invite him to a frat party and get him to drink the punch? Be sure to tell him he looks pretty first!

Urgh, it’s another flashback episode. At least this time it’s only to five weeks ago, before color television was invented. HRG meets up with Ma Petrelli in the park. She’s looking appropriately evil, like a vampire Jackie O.

“Sorry I’m late. The DAR Afternoon Tea and Infant Sacrifice ran long. Barbara Bush never remembers to bring enough puppy brains for everyone.”

HRG is pining for the good old days at Primatech. You’d think a guy would be grateful to leave behind Odessa, TX. Maybe he just misses the days when he could brainwipe Mrs. HRG every time she got uppity. Ma Petrelli tells him to get over it, hand him a gold watch, and leaves. She’s got a cabana boy back at the loft that might chew through his ropes any second. HRG feels sad about losing his purpose. Too bad there’s nothing else horrible going on in the world that he could help with.

In the present, Matt starts in on HRG’s memories, ignoring Mohinder’s whining about the ethics of mental rape. It’s hard to accept Mohinder’s opinion on this (well, on anything, really) seeing as how he was performing lethal medical experiments on people just a short while ago. Peter looks either relieved or jealous that someone else gets the self-righteous speeches this time around. Still, he looks fully prepared to take off his shirt, should the situation require it, or even if it doesn’t.

“Okay, this time Mohinder gets the speech. I’ll provide smouldering looks while wondering who has the awesomist hair. Oh, who am I kidding? I do!”

Returning to the flashback, helpfully indicated by both the black & white and a subtitle, because we are clearly not smart enough to figure things out with just one of those things, HRG is not enjoying retired life. Here’s your first problem, HRG, discover time wasting activities besides the crossword. Might I introduce you to a little invention called the internet? You’ll never have to talk to your family again. Plus you can google all those crossword clues.

But HRG never gets a chance to buy an X-box and fight the Covenant. Nathan shows up at his door. He practically laughs at HRG’s suggestion that he’s there to see Claire. Why visit with your daughter, when you can have shadowy government agents invade her privacy? Nathan’s there to hire HRG for Operation: X-Men, or whatever they’re calling it. The director throws in some nice Maltese Falcon camera angles, just to show he paid attention in film school.

“Can we make this quick? I’ve got more shopping to do from the Unflattering Home Lighting catalogue.”

Obviously, one perk of joining is that Claire won’t be arrested. He’ll also get to have those ethical arguments with Claire he enjoys so much. We’ve all missed those. Nathan admits he doesn’t know exactly what he’ll do when he’s rounded everyone up. They take a few moments to point out the painfully obvious – that the heroes won’t understand (ya think?) and Nathan will be viewed as an even bigger prick than ever – before Nathan cuts to the chase and ask HRG how he tracked all the heroes when he worked for Primatech. Seems like Nathan hasn’t figured out anything- he neither knows how to find the heroes or what he’ll do when gets them.

I expected the answer was “by working with the heroes,” but, as so often happens in TV, the real answer involves a storage locker. Not just any storage locker: the neatest storage locker in the history of storage lockers. I thought it was a law that every storage locker have some form of abandoned exercise gear in it.

HRG shows Nathan his impressive array of guns & grenades. Nathan’s unimpressed, as he points out, they have a lot of guns already. HRG replies that they need perspective and to control information. Er, so why bring him to the super-secret storage locker? You show him your secret hideaway and then turn around an lecture him about controlling information? If this weren’t a flashback, I’d be secretly hoping that HRG was going to shoot Nathan, or at least taser him into an involuntary bowel movement.

Matt’s sucked this memory out HRG’s head. After some very boring and weirdly sweaty shouting between the boys (Men! So emotional), Matt sends Peter off with the storeroom combination. I suspect this just so Matt and his former life partner can have a little hate sex.

Peter dutifully flies off to the storage unit (I guess he’s been careful not to touch Matt or Mohinder). Sadly, he never learned the lesson of the Primatech vault: always check for cameras. Sure enough, Special Agent Short-Guy-Syndrome (we actually learn his name is “Danko” this episode), is watching. He’s ready to blow Peter up real good, but Nathan makes him promise to not hurt Peter. Danko sighs and makes a joke about setting “the phasers to stun.” 

Here’s a question for you. If you are a squad of elite swat/strike/assault force guys about attack a storage locker that you know contains a lot of firearms & grenades to capture a man that previously escaped capture by flying away, what should you expect? If you answered (A) grenades and (B) flying, you are clearly not writing this show. Peter escapes by (surprise!) using the grenades and flying. Well, there was really no way for them to plan for that, was there? Maybe their requisition order for a big-ass net hasn’t gone through yet.

Back at the hotel, HRG tries to freak out Matt and Mohinder (not a difficult job with Mohinder) by mentioning that the storage unit is under surveillance (duh) and that people will be looking for him when he doesn’t check in. Matt seems astounded that a secret government agent might have to check in with people, and over Mohinder’s usual objections, dives back into the black and white world of HRG’s brain.

This time, we flash back to the fateful meeting between HRG and wee Agent Danko. Danko rejects HRG’s plan to use heroes. Admittedly, HRG’s plan doesn’t seem that feasible. It’s one thing to get heroes to help lock up dangerous heroes, it’s another to ask them to round up everyone and put them in camps. Mostly this scene serves as the 359th time we’re reminded that Danko is a jerk. And short. He looks particularly diminutive standing next to HRG.

“First, no more people with abilities. Second, no more people over 5’7.”

HRG, in what I can only assume is his first step in sabotaging the operation, goes off to recruit Mohinder. He tells Mohinder “I need you. I need your brain; I need your strength” Adding “I need to your ability to screw up everything. Didn’t your last job end with the company burning down? I’m surprised this cab hasn’t burst into flames already.”

Matt’s pretty pissed that Mohinder knew something and didn’t mention it. Oh Matt, you were married & raising a child with Mohinder, are you really that surprised? While they bicker, HRG grabs a glass shard from a mirror they broke and escapes.
HRG doesn’t get far. Peter dramatically lands on the car he’s trying to hotwire. They strap him back down with lots of tape (you’re really missing the goo, now, aren’t you Mohinder? Finally it would be useful for something besides tying down your girlfriend).

Things get shouty again over whether to stay and probe HRG some more. There’s a whole lot of “who’s dick is bigger?” going on this episode. Honestly, I get so bored I tuned out in favor of deciding who’s dick really was bigger. I’m thinking Mohinder

Whoops, while I was dick-ranking, Matt delves back into HRG’s head. He finds a painful scene where MRG tries to seduce Danko with booze and creepy charm, but it doesn’t work. Not surprising, Danko’s probably a great big submissive. He should have sent Ma Petrelli over with a whip & ball gag. It’s more posturing between Danko and HRG (Danko is bad. I. GET. IT.), but I guess the main point is that it gives Peter the location of Danko’s apartment.

As if the “probing” and “mental rape” aspects of the episode weren’t obvious enough, there’s this shot.

Danko arrive home to find Peter waiting. He quips “you really should learn to lock your windows.” Hmm, now that you mention it Peter, it is pretty implausible that bad-ass super-paranoid Agent Danko wouldn’t lock his windows. Or have a security system to protect against flying murses. Well, there’s no way he could have known a flying man was out to get him, is there? Lucky for Danko, security picks up on the situation back at HQ.

There’s not much suspense for me here. After all, Peter’s the one who can never shoot anybody; I’m sensing Mohinder levels of fail. Nathan shows up to talk Peter out of offing Danko. Danko’s immediately suspicious of how fast Nathan arrived, not to mention he’s got I-just-flew-here hair. Just as I expect, Nathan talks Peter into wimping out, on the grounds that it will just turn public opinion against the heroes. Sigh, so much for the “fighting back” part. Maybe they’ll just send a strongly worded letter next time.

As HRG predicted, the government is closing in on the hotel. Mohinder offers to hold them off, as best he ineptly can, while Matt finishes sucking HRG dry. Mohinder’s genius plan works out much like Mohinder’s other genius plans, which is to say, not in a geniusy way at all. He “holds off” the government agents by letting them shoot him over and over.

Nothing screams “hero” like getting shot in the back repeatedly.

It does give Matt enough time to find out that Daphne is still alive. That’s right, despite being shot multiple times by a high-powered rifle, Daphne lived, and somehow, Matt failed to notice her non-deadness. Oops!

The bad guys, having taken care of Mohinder, burst in on Matt. He surrenders. Hey, what happened to your ability to control minds? You’d think he could at least convince them he was not the droid they were looking for. Lucky for him, Peter swoops in with another smoke bomb and grabs Matt away. I bet flying men with grenades are going to be covered heavily in the next training session.

Mohinder is not so lucky. He’s in one of the bondage chairs that Heroes is really into this season, looking like he misses his hair products very, very much. Nathan comes in … and tries to recruit him. Really, why does everyone keep insisting they need Mohinder’s help?

Outside, Danko and HRG discuss whether HRG should take some time off, or something. I am too distracted by how short Danko is to pay attention. He’s like a psychotic little leprechaun. HRG convinces Danko (I love this name Danko … Spanko, Wanko, Dinko. I’m guessing his whole backstory involve getting beaten up at school), that he has plenty of time to devote to the cause now that he’s ditched the wife and kids. After Danko leaves, he meets up with Ma Petrelli, waiting on a bench nearby, in a not-at-all-conspicuous manner. I guess people are used to her cruising the park. Surprise! Not! He and Ma Petrelli are working together on something or other. He tells her he’s comfortable with “morally gray.” Get it? Like the whole memory thing was black-and-white? This episode is so ham fisted it’s crying out for mustard and rye-bread.

Speaking of obvious, the two remaining stooges go back to the second most obvious place for Agent Dingo to find them: the loftaboratory. I mean, just because they’re watching a super secret storage space doesn’t men they know to watch that place! Matt’s painting picture more useless pictures, this time of himself strapped with explosives. Then the camera pans back to reveal a mushroom cloud (again!) over Washington DC (ooooh, creative!). Or maybe it’s the same mushroom cloud Isaac drew first season and Matt just stuck the Lincoln Memorial in the foreground.
Like I said, I thought this episode was pretty dull, basically a lot of exposition and background we didn’t need. It didn’t help that Sylar was off with his boy-toy, Hiro and Ando were still helping the lesbian Indians (Lesbindians?), and Claire was still in the closet (sadly, not metaphorical) with her pet fugitive. I can’t even seem to care about the impending doom of DC via Matt-Bomb (sorry Ed Hill!).

brilliantmistake | 03.03.09 | Filed in Heroes,Recaps