America’s Next Top Model: The Fall of Tyra

Here we are at the 12th cycle of America’s Next Top Model. After a dozen cycles, we have to ask if they can do anything to keep it fresh. So far, they’ve had a plus size model FTW, a near-blind contestant, and a transsexual. What else can be dredged up in the bottom trawls of reality TV? Well, MSRies this cycle has the following: an epileptic, a street preacher, a burn survivor, and an Asian. Kidding! There are no Asians.

Tyra kicks things off with a little numerology. Did you know that 12 backwards is 21? And that 21 is a card game on which various sums of money may be wagered by persons over the age of 21? Consider our minds blown, Tyra.

Thanks to a promotional consideration so considerate I half expect Tyra’s weave to spell out “Caeser’s Palace,” the casting special is in Vegas. Very convenient for the girls who get cut, they can toddle right over to the bunny ranch for employment.

I’ve been a teensy bit busy recently and did not get a chance to peek at the contestants (much less post) beforehand. Not that it matters, you know who the finalists will be after the first five minutes, with a few extra thrown in for distraction.

antm030409a_1Right off the bat, we get some girls whose looks can be most generously described as “unusual.” Perfect for Tyra’s ongoing campaign to prove that modeling is about what’s on the inside. Celia’s taken her masculine looks and run with them: she wears suit and works in menswear. Oddly, this helps prove she’s a woman, no transgendered girl would do that. Celia’s bigger problem is her advanced age, 25. I always wonder about the older girls, especially ones that had been living in NYC, like Celia. It’s not like they didn’t have access to modeling agencies. Shouldn’t they have made it by now if they could actually be models?

Allison’s got scary eyes and admits she’s been called a freak. No small feat in New Orleans where the freak bar is set pretty high, am I right Renny?  I sure hope she packed wigs! Angelea gets points on the board immediately by stealing Jade’s line, “This is not America’s Next Best Friend.” London (no seriously “London” is her name, it’s not one Tyra made her pick because there were three Brittany’s, McKey) has headbands, plural.

Fo, which is neither a name or a long-lost musical syllable, is quite pretty. All the girls have been well coached for hysterics this cycle. The ambiance of the first hour is best described as “shreiky.” The initial round of banshee wails emerge for the J/ays, or maybe for the Roman hotties. Wait, that’s what my banshee wail was for. Never mind.

antm030409a_2Jay spouts his RDA of ass-kissery by insisting they are at the Temple of Tyra.  It would play better if the Jays didn’t look like they just rolled in from the Denny’s off I-95. Tough night auditioning Roman extras? Anyhow, the J/ays send the girls off to put on mini-togas they borrowed from the waitstaff and get themselves back to the poolside bar.

The girls get their photos taken in profile, because that’s kind of Roman-like. It’s also not the best way to judges someone’s model potential, but then again, it’s all about what’s on the inside, isn’t it? Along the way we meet Kortnie, the only “plus-sized” gal, and Teyona, the minus-sized gal. Kortnie’s 24, so she and Celia can compare arthritis medications and the side effects of hormone replacement therapy. Sandra announces she’s a goddess because she is from Africa. I think the word you are looking for is “immigrant.” Aminat impresses me right away with her intimidating afro; she’s also gorgeous.


Farmland is named after it’s founder, Jebediah Farmland, son of Ezekial Farmland and Martha Pigfuckerville.

After the sorta-photo shoot, Jay has the girls walk down runway made kinda-hazardous by some vague mist. Despite the Vegas angle, the whole thing is a little half-assed, like it was thrown together at a very hung-over production meeting while the girls waited on the bus from LA. Still, Alex stands out as having one of the worst walks ever, no small accomplishment after so many cycles. Pretty Jessica chimes in for the second “I am strong because I am [ethinicity].” By the way, the Asian count is still at zero.

But all this is a side show as we wait for the main event: Tyra. Given the theme, I was expecting chariots and thunderbolts. Instead, Tyra just kind of ambles out to the pool, looking like a alcoholic Vestal Virgin with a toga slapped together from garbage bags.


Plastic togas save on clean-up after a rough night in the vomitorium

Although from the hysteria, you’d think Tyra walked on water, instead of a platform over the hot tub. She proclaims she’s been the Goddess of Fierce for 2,752.7 years (psst, Celia, that’s 25 in model years) and wants a replacement. After the requisite camp on Tyra’s part, and high-pitched worship on the girls part, we segue to the panel.

Sandra, the self-proclaimed goddess, clomps in looking like a hooker right off the farm. Naturally, Tyra proclaims her “chic.”  This sends Sandra into sobbing hysterics. London of the tragic headbands, tells the panel she’s a street preacher, although her oratory skills seem limited to “praise Jesus.” Jessica looks like the accessory rack at the Gap attacked her. She also proves that skinny jeans can make even hot women look lumpy.


Tahlia impresses the panel with her story: she’s a burn survivor and still bears horrific scars. This is where I have to sound like a bitch, because I honestly think Tahlia would not be there, if not for the scars. She’s a pretty girl, but not pretty enough to be a model, or even ugly in that ugly-is-pretty way Tyra goes on about. And as Jay will later point out, she’s normal-sized; in other words too big for high-fashion, too small for plus-size. But Tyra will keep her around for a few weeks to pat herself on the back for raising awareness before cutting her.


Moving on from tragic back-story to good old-fashioned crazy, Monique describes herself as a conspiracy theorist. Something to do with how the elites are trying to take away our guns. From her body-weight it looks like she suspects food is conspiring against her.

Natalie’s so dull her only backstory is that she hasn’t had to work. She and Aminat have killer bods. Aminat wins on height, she’s 6’1 without the added yardage of the fro. Please Tyra, do not mess with the fro!

Kathryn from Farmland is already starting to crack, even though she’s brought her collection of wacky pens to impress Tyra. In Farmland, collecting pens shaped like food is the equivalent of joining a gang. Kathryn chokes when Tyra asks her about working models, but recovers to name designers later and kiss Tyra’s ass enough to redeem herself.


“Note to Self: Start Tyra Banks pen line IMMEDIATELY.”

Alex, the terrible walker, lacks in looks what she lacks in personality. Did Tonya Harding have a daughter? I’m half-afraid she’ll knee-cap the panel for looking at her funny.


Isabella stops by from her PTA meeting to chat with the judges. She’s epileptic which may be enough back story to make up for her bland good looks. If she can plug whatever medications she’s taking, her future as a pharmaceutical sales rep may be sealed.

Enough about the girls, let’s get back to Tyra. This panel is all about her, after all. Tyra interrupts Nijah’s story about being prom queen to tell the story about how she Tyra, had to have her prom date hold her down to prevent herself, Tyra,  from snatching the prom queen title she, Tyra, so richly deserved. Instead it went to some mousy girl who was totally hot once she took off her glasses and started dating Freddie Prinze Jr. Not that Tyra is bitter or relives the details on a daily basis or makes hang-up calls to the girl who won or crowns herself prom queen every night before she goes to bed.

Luckily, Tyra gets to one-up a later wannabe. Allison, the scary big-eyed girl has an obsession with blood and nose-bleeds, but has never had one. Well! Tyra has had them! She had them all the time! Everyone said Tyra had the best nosebleeds of all! Better than that bitch who stole Prom! “Jealous” returns Allison (seriously).


Backstage, Angelea cries over the memory of her dead daughter. Holy crap. Strangely, Angelea does not bring this up at panel, instead mentioning how she slept at the Port Authority for two days to audition, fighting off all the rats that tried to nest in her weave with her mighty blue talons.


Ancient Celia does a pretty twirl for the judges as her aged bones creak and break. Tyra forces Fo to explain what “blaxican” is, as though it could be anything but “black” and “Mexican.” Kortnie insists there is more than one way to be beautiful and many, many ways to spell Kortnie. Also, she banged Dale Earnhardt Jr. But she doesn’t want to talk about it. Seriously, don’t ask her! Not even when she mentions it, or provides the producers with photos, or writes in her personal background information, or links to it on her myspace page, or shows you her “I banged Dale Earnhardt” tattoo. It’s private.

The girls gather round the J/ays and their 5678th clothing change so far. It’s time for another round of cuts of all the girls who have gotten no screen time and a couple who have. This mostly makes me sad because the pretty girl next to Kathryn is doomed.


Sorry pretty girl on the right. I suggest you either bang Dale Earnhardt or develop epilepsy.

The hopefuls open personalized boxes. Those with golden wreaths move on. Those without can step right out to the casino floor and start taking drink orders. Everyone we’ve seen moves on except for Alex (fight!) and Monique (conspiracy!). The remaining girls do a photo shoot where they embody a “goddess” attribute as best they can which, needless to say, is not very well.

To be fair, getting assigned stuff like the “Goddess of Justice” is pretty hard to pull off. It’s dumb enough I can’t believe they didn’t save it up for a regular photo shoot where they could trick the girl out in scales and a blindfold.

The first fight of the cycle breaks out between Sandra and Angelea. Much like the Trojan War, it was over someone looking at someone funny and who has “ugly ass corns.” Nothing good ever comes from open-toed shoes. Jay steps in to break things up. Angelea soon regrets letting Sandra “pull her buttons.”



Going back to shooting crying babies at Walmart will seem like heaven after this.

During the break, Tyra announces the special midget dwarf elf leprechaun girls under 5’ 7 cycle that will air in the fall. It’s casting now, shorty, so if you’re a wee wannabe, hustle on over to an audition as fast as you stumpy legs can carry you.

Tyra and her J/ays meet up so the voices in Tyra’s head can pick the finalists. Tyra loves Sandra’s “eyebrow bone” and no one has the courage to tell her there’s no such thing. Jay tries to point out that Tahlia’s not model material, but Tyra overrules him on the basis of her back story. Perhaps as backstory insurance, epileptic Isabella moves along too. Tyra says people will think she’s crazy for choosing Allison, but I won’t, mostly because of this.

Tyra, looking very nice in her white toga, announces the finalists. As with the first round of cuts, everyone we’ve seen except two move on. Way to build in tension, ANTM. 

In case you were wondering who did get cut, Kathryn has to pack up her pen collection and head back to Farmland and Angelea either has to go back to Buffalo or get very comfortable at the Vegas bus station. Judging from Angelea’s reaction, I’m guessing the latter. They and the other five girls ANTM couldn’t bother to show all get a pep talk from Tyra and a coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Well, it looks like this cycle will have a good mix of contestants. As usual, there are some pretty girls (Jessica, Aminat, Fo, Nijah) and … the others. Sandra certainly seems poised to bring the crazy, and delivers it in the next hour (recap soon!). What do you think? 

brilliantmistake | 03.10.09 | Filed in America's Next Top Model,Recaps

Back to the top

54 responses to “America’s Next Top Model: The Fall of Tyra”

  1. plethLaura says:

    In Farmland, collecting pens shaped like food is the equivalent of joining a gang.

    You kill me. Great recap, brill. This season looks to be all kinds of megalotyratastic.

  2. johngalt_ny says:

    AS one of the 12 straight men here, I don’t care much about the show anymore BUT I watch so I can read the recaps. WELCOME BACK Brill.

  3. T-bag says:

    I agree, John. I have never seen an episode, but I faithfully read these recaps. I don’t need to watch this bullshit to be able to laugh at how insane it all is. But the bug-eyed girl scares the shit out of me. Obsessed with nosebleeds?

  4. NYShedevil says:

    Oh GAWD! Now I have to grow an “eyebrow bone” to be with Tyra??!

    VERY FUNNY, Brill!

  5. honeybunny says:

    I am sorry Angelea didn’t make it – anyone who calls out another bitches “corns” is comedy gold. And those nails – OMR. I guess she used the $40 to get her claws painted.

    When Tyra asked the Little-Pen-Girl to make 5 working models I noticed that she didn’t name ANY of the previous 11 ANTMs. HA!

    Preacher Woman London – “I can spread his name in this industry, which honestly, there’s not a whole lot of it.” Pagans. Heathens. Sodomities. MSR’ers.

    Brill – you are still the shit.


  6. Karo says:

    YAY! My fave recapper is back!

  7. may says:

    Great recap Brill.
    Allison gives me the creeps.
    Since I’m a shorty, I’ll be trying out for the midget edition of ANTM. Maybe it will stand for America’s Next Top Midget. I’ll try to be fierce!

  8. Simple Video Pro Review says:

    I am commenting to make you be aware of of the terrific discovery our daughter went through viewing the blog. She realized plenty of issues, including what it is like to possess an awesome teaching nature to have others clearly fully understand specific grueling subject matter. You really surpassed readers’ expected results. Thanks for presenting these effective, safe, informative and also cool tips on the topic to Gloria.

  9. Stockmarket says:

    Thanks for the helpful article. It is also my opinion that mesothelioma cancer has an really long latency period of time, which means that the signs of the disease may not emerge until finally 30 to 50 years after the original exposure to asbestos. Pleural mesothelioma, which is the most common kind and has an effect on the area throughout the lungs, might cause shortness of breath, torso pains, plus a persistent cough, which may bring about coughing up bloodstream.

  10. How to Get Subscribers on Facebook says:

    Do you have a spam issue on this blog; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; we have created some nice procedures and we are looking to trade strategies with others, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.

  11. high tech terry says:

    Someone necessarily lend a hand to make seriously articles I’d state. This is the very first time I frequented your website page and thus far? I surprised with the analysis you made to make this particular submit incredible. Fantastic task!

  12. zyczenia na dzien matki says:

    Hi there! Solve you get proviso they make a few plugins to help with Explore Engine Optimization? I’m difficult to get my blog to rank for approximately under attack keywords except I’m not bearing in mind self-same sunny fallout. Qualification you identify of some entertain share. Thanks!

  13. dobry film sensacyjny ranking says:

    Well, I pretend that could ensue as Abigail and the girls commenced accusing supplementary those of witchcraft when they had been recently naked dancing naked inside the woods and therefore, aberrant. Abigail furthermore engaged in a affair along with John Proctor. Individuals they were accusing were finally not legally responsible of quite what they’d been just accused allied with, and the exacting accusers had been the greatest fixation on the globe from being holy… they ended in the lead orientation bogus witness.

  14. Golfer Harry says:

    Greetings, I especially liked reading your excellent blog a well informed friend of my father suggested I would like it so I decided I’d take a look, I’m so pleased I did, and I will no doubt be back shortly.

  15. Nicolette Gradillas says:

    This website is mostly a walk-by way of for all the information you needed about this and didn�t know who to ask. Glimpse here, and you�ll undoubtedly discover it.

  16. says:

    I was studying some of your posts on this internet site and I conceive this site is really informative! Keep on putting up.

  17. Sylvie Stanis says:

    Nice post. I learn something more challenging on different blogs everyday. It’ll always be stimulating to read content from other writers and practice slightly something from their store. I�d choose to use some with the content on my blog whether you don�t mind. Natually I�ll give you a link on your web blog. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Ligia Malara says:

    legal services of greater miami inc

  19. Marcelino Knoedler says:

    Thinking about beautiful tiffany co jewellery has got is actually mainly because incredible as being the precise tiffany co jewellery items their selves. tiffany co jewellery brings back again stories connected with an crucial relationship or simply complete a joyous,discount tiffany and co jewelry, along with significant function additional unique. Understanding about a myriad of tiffany co bead bracelet can certainly help you actually in sustaining that much longer.

  20. says:

    I genuinely enjoy looking at on this web site, it has got fantastic articles. “The living is a species of the dead and not a very attractive one.” by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

  21. says:

    I just could not depart your site before suggesting that I extremely loved the standard info a person provide to your guests? Is gonna be back ceaselessly to check out new posts.

  22. says:

    Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you can do with some pics to drive the message home a bit, but other than that, this is wonderful blog. An excellent read. I’ll certainly be back.

  23. web link says:

    What exactly is the absolute best computer program to build online resources and web blogs?

  24. Cwiczenia dla pieciolatkow says:

    Thank you for helping out, superb information. “If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see.” by Henry David Thoreau.

  25. page says:

    Simply put, how will i try to look for websites that fit what I want to research? Does a person figure out how to Flick through blog sites by topic area or everything on blogger? .

  26. Get More Info says:

    how to define some very good and prevalent websites for blog pages? ?? .

  27. Lloyd Vidrine says:

    The good headlines is that often plenty of wonderful online shops for instance are actually providing customers through an wonderful approach to the regular, traditional retailers. If you are a,shopper or perhaps purchase or even retail store owner wanting to get exceptionally great deals in the most recently released ,juicy couture dress,style companies which includes Juicy Couture tracksuit inexpensive prospects, this is definitely 1 on-line release it is advisable to give some thought to.

  28. more info here says:

    This basically means, just how do i seek out blogs and forums that are great for what I would like to discover? Does just about anyone are able to Flick through blog posts by matter or anything on blogger? .

  29. find more information says:

    I’m exploring to check out nearly as much relating to the by going online surfing district once i can. Can any body propose their best web blogs, twitting grips, or sites that you just acquire most descriptive? Those that are more popular? Appreciate it! .

  30. Continued says:

    Seems like there can be websites and sites committed to a large number of activity, many of these television, song, day-to-day lives of famous people, et cetera.. . Nonetheless without a doubt is unable to come across blogs and web blogs dedicated to checking out, the fact is an afterthought regarding pastimes.. . Anybody know some pretty common and really good types? Typical and existing literature both are trendy with me, since I read in detail both.. . Thanks a lot a whole lot of! =o).

  31. Clay Twist says:

    I simply couldn’t leave your web site before suggesting that I actually enjoyed the standard information a person provide for your guests? Is gonna be again frequently to check out new posts.

  32. try this out says:

    I had seen web blogs and model of recognize what these are generally. My question for you is exactly what do you write down on just the journal, like items that is in your thoughts or simply regardless of what? And what websites could i logon to to get started information sites? .

  33. weblink says:

    Specifically where around the web can a licensed psyciatrist blog articles or reviews (or personal blogs) so they can become widely used?

  34. Marylou says:

    This is one very informative blog. I like the way you write and I will bookmark your blog to my favorites.Check My Ebook and you can also creat your own stuff just in 7 days…

  35. horizontal window blinds says:

    Wow, that’s what I was seeking for, what a information! existing here at this weblog, thanks admin of this web site.

  36. hotel avignon says:

    I’m not positive where you’re getting your information,
    however great topic. I must spend some time finding out more or figuring
    out more. Thanks for fantastic information I used to be looking for this info for my mission.

    my web site – hotel avignon

  37. Chau says:

    I always spent my half an hour to read this blog’s articles or reviews all the time along with a mug of coffee.

    Here is my blog post Cheap Austria Hotels (Chau)

  38. Tashina Buchbinder says:

    Check out the new MMG womens collection.


    ARE YOU AN ARTIST? Do you have a #Facebook #Youtube or #Souncloud Page? If not, get one today! Engage your visitors and followers on Facebook! Now you dont have to redirect them to Soundcloud and take the chance of missing out on exposure due to competition. Now your Facebook followers and visitors can share your music within Facebook without them leaving your page. -

  40. once fire brass casino says:

    Welcome to Brass Reload, your home for superior quality once fired military brass. If youre a gun owner, reloading enthusiast and supporter of the Second Amendment then you’ve come to the right place! Brass Reload is dedicated to providing our customers with superb once fired brass, the fastest shipping possible and the most reliable quality in the industry. We specialize in supplying both commercial reloaders and the recreational reloading community with high quality once fired brass. All of our once fired brass is purchased in bulk directly from the American military and is of dependable quality. Our fully processed once fired brass is ready for reloading upon arrival, though we do recommend you size the neck of your once fired brass before reloading.

  41. Grayce Kaminsky says:

    I came across your internet site on yahoo and google and saw a couple of your original posts. Continue to keep up the wonderful work. I just now added you’re RSS feed to my personal MSN News Reader.

  42. Salt Lake City UT Homes For Sale By Owner says:

    I am writing to let you comprehend what a extraordinary discovery my cousin’s daughter had going through your internet page. She realized a great deal of details, including how it really is like to have a fantastic helping style to have certain folks without difficulties gain knowledge of numerous grueling matters. You actually surpassed her expected results. Numerous thanks for giving the helpful, healthy, revealing as effectively as cool suggestions about that subject to Evelyn.

  43. Continue Reading says:

    Excellent blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any suggestions? Many thanks!

  44. click this over here now says:

    Hi there! Someone in my Myspace group shared this internet site with us so I came to give it a look. I’m surely loving the info. I’m bookmarking and will likely be tweeting this to my followers! Outstanding weblog and great style and design.

  45. shampoo says:

    really nice put up, i definitely really like this internet internet site, keep on it

  46. bridal wedding dresses says:

    After study just a few with the weblog posts within your internet internet site now, and I really like your means of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark site listing and will probably be checking once more soon. Pls look at my internet page as properly and let me know what you think.

  47. Aspergers Test says:

    I admire what you might have done here. I really like the part where you say you’re performing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that is working for you as nicely. Do you’ve any much more information on this?

  48. says:

    Together with every thing which appears to be building within this particular subject material, your opinions are actually quite stimulating. Nonetheless, I appologize, but I can not subscribe to your whole theory, all be it refreshing none the less. It appears to everybody that your comments are actually not completely rationalized and in fact you are your self not really fully certain of your argument. In any event I did enjoy examining it.

  49. Visit Website says:

    Hiya, I’m new to running a blog and internet sites in general and was curious about how you got the “www” included in your web address name? I see your web address, “” has the www and my web address looks like, “”. Do you know the best way I can alter this? I’m using WordPress platform. Thank you so much

  50. related website says:

    Howdy! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established blog. Is it tough to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to begin. Do you have any tips or suggestions? Thanks

  51. cartuchos tinta compatibles hp says:

    Los cartuchos compatibles contemplan lo mejor de las 2 opciones: cartuchos de alta calidad y a costes más alcanzables.
    Buena calidad: a diferencia de lo que muchas marcas predican sobre la
    mala calidad de los cartuchos compatibles,
    la realidad es que los deselances de su impresión son equiparables a los que pueden proporcionar
    los cartuchos originales..

  52. says:

    Understanding both advantages and disadvantages are important in order to choose the best internet
    marketing strategy. A VPN creates an encrypted connection to a third-party server, and all your Internet traffic is routed
    through that server. Make certain that the payment gateway you are making use of, permits similar languages as the
    remaining of the web pages so that they can match well together.

  53. Leo says:

    Re: Whoever made the remark that this was a great website truly needs to get their head inspected.

  54. Sophia Hills says:

    I really enjoy reading through on this web site , it holds great content . “We find comfort among those who agree with us–growth among those who don’t.” by Frank A. Clark.

Leave a Comment