Disaster Porn: Will No One Think of the Coffee?
I normally don’t spend too much time with the History Channel’s disaster porn programming. As a resident of Los Angeles, I’m already very aware of our future as earthquake-racked flaming hellscape, I don’t need the History Channel explaining how alligators are going to eat my pets, or whatever that Life After People show demonstrated. But I found myself drawn to The Crumbling of America, partly because nothing’s more exciting than the sexy world of infrastructure maintenance (kids love it!), but mostly because I could console myself that while we Angelenos battle it out Mad Max style in the quakeferno, Des Moines will be drowning in its own waste after its sewer lines explode. I’m petty like that.The show, of which I only managed to watch an hour, because infrastructure documentaries are actually as boring as they sound (surprise!), tried its best to spice things up with actual disaster footage (Katrina levees! I-35 bridge collapse!), alluring experts (Department of Transport Guy! Professor Guy! Sharon Hittman: New York Commuter!), and completely made-up cgi disaster footage. The latter included thrilling footage of a tragic, innocent coffee cup losing its young life in the Tappan Zee Bridge collapse that is never going to happen.
Really, the Tappan Zee is not in danger of collapsing. The History Channel points this out several times, before and after their cgi animation of the Tappan Zee collapsing. Allow me to quote, “The bridge is not about to fail, but some of the Tappan Zee’s foundations are at risk. And this what could happen if they gave way.” So it won’t collapse, but we’ll show it collapse, and talk about how it could collapse, just before we assert that it won’t collapse. Are we clear?
Anyway, the best part was the disaster-porn footage of the bridge collapse that is not imminent. It’s made all the more poignant by the travails of an sweet, naive cup of coffee, who set off to work that morning with no idea of what was in store. It had high hopes, big dreams, cream and sugar. It was going to Nyack! Huzzah! Then tragedy, brought about by the cheap bastards who used wooden pilings instead of concrete. Damn you shipworms! Now our poor hero floats helplessly in the Hudson. Coffee RUINED.
Then again, this whole thing might be a subtle anti-littering PSA.
The other highlight was Sharon Hittman, New York Commuter (translation: mother of someone on production staff). She’s first introduced describing her fears about the bridge that won’t collapse, collapsing. Later, she shares her master plan on how to survive the collapse that is not in danger of happening. It involves tapping feebly at the window with a screwdriver before calling her loved ones on a cell phone, presumably to tell them she was right all along about that goddamn bridge. Hadn’t she been saying for years it was unsafe? But nooooo, everyone thought she was exaggerating, rolling their eyes, and saying “Oh Sharon, not again with the bridge! It’s FINE. The History Channel said so. Enough with the bridge collapsing already.” Well, it’s not fine now, is it? IS IT? I’m not exaggerating now, AM I? And then Sharon drowns, vindicated.
Her fabulous pink jacket will aid the Coast Guard in finding her body. Silver lining!
Drive safe everybody!
brilliantmistake | 06.30.09 | Filed in Misc
Noooooo not the cup!
Comment #1 on 06.30.09 at 8:38 amI’m sure that PETC will be all over this one…
Comment #2 on 06.30.09 at 9:12 amTahts so funny. I just had to burn a copy of this to dvd for my boss. I wonder of the coffee cup wil hit him as hard as it does me. Also, imagine the guy shooting second unit for this? “I need a shot of a coffee cup slowly sinking as a metaphor for death!” “I’m on it boss!”
Comment #3 on 06.30.09 at 9:43 amhave you been to des moines lately? i think their sewer lines exploded sometime in the late ’90s.
Comment #4 on 06.30.09 at 10:48 amOK- this has nothing to do with the post- but i dont know how else to contact anyone- I have been trying to re-activate my account to log in to the forums for weeks- i have requested the reactivation email about two dozen times? I cannot re-register because my email account is already used. PLEASE! I want to post about True Blood and BIG Brother is coming!!!!!!!!
Comment #5 on 06.30.09 at 12:46 pmhardly@work — I am not sure if will help but:
edhill@midseasonreplacements.com
Thanks for the post [redacted].
hb
Comment #6 on 06.30.09 at 2:58 pmhardly@work: victim of the derelict information superhighway
Comment #7 on 06.30.09 at 4:18 pmThank you for acknowledging my plea and offering your assistance. Hopefully the head honchos will respond to my plight.
Comment #8 on 07.01.09 at 8:28 amHARDLY@WORK, should be all set now.
Comment #9 on 07.01.09 at 9:34 pmjust was trying to prove my husband wrong that the Tappan Zee will not collapse (he watched the show and was trying to convince me)… we have been searching the internet for any evidence or reliable source to back up the history channel’s claims about ship worms when I came across this response and had to read it to him… Thank You for the laugh! Great way of explaining how ridiculous this claim really is! (no mention of ship worms except by one website with no sources was not enough to prove to my husband it is not some great conspiracy being hidden by transportation authority)
Comment #10 on 07.07.09 at 7:40 pmMeasure twice cut once:The last sentence in my comment above above should have read " . ,
Comment #11 on 10.10.09 at 11:54 amRottencrotch through her pertty pink panties are over! ,
Comment #12 on 10.22.09 at 6:48 pm