The episode begin with more forays into Kevin’s disgusting life; this time, rather than drinking, he is making out with some girl while his roommate Erik stands over them and films it. This is really creepy and weird. But Kevin quickly kicks Erik out. Erik, by the way, was sleeping in his bed before Kevin kicked him into the hall, but Erik is alert enough to mark another notch on the tally of Kevin’s girls on their door, bringing the total to an absurdly high number for someone who looks and acts like Kevin. This is a very classy affair they’ve got going on here. By the way, between last week’s Monday night dorm party as Erik was trying to study, and this week’s sex (“This is Kevin’s third girl this week,” Erik informs us), is Kevin the worst roommate ever or what?

Later, Kevin is sitting at a restaurant with his friend Colleen (on the same side of the booth – I understand it’s for filming purposes, but it’s still annoying as hell), talking about his conquests. Apparently he has hit “every floor a couple times.” Kevin then says, “That waitress is kind of hot,” right as she is walking by, which he acts super embarrassed about. But after she’s gone he admits, “I intentionally did that,” and then declares, “I am such a gangster.” Kevin is almost too annoying to ridicule. Almost.

Is it just me, or are Colleen’s eyes screaming, “HELP ME ESCAPE”?

At Josh’s place, poor Bingham is being assaulted, as usual, with obnoxious stories of Andrea. “So, guess whose pretty little face I saw today in the weight room?” Josh asks. Why does Bingham put up with this? I would have punched Josh a long, long time ago. But Josh continues with his fascinating story, telling Bingham that she apparently said, “You’re looking really good.” DO GO ON. Bingham jokes, “She wanted to jump your bones,” to which Josh responds, “…Jump my bones?” Yes, Josh is such a virgin that he doesn’t even understand the phrase “jump your bones.” This is far too sad. Bingham once again proves to be the best character by adding, “Or whatever you two do. She wanted to caress your soul.” At least someone in this little world realizes how lame these two are.

Meanwhile, at Andrea’s dorm, her roommate Erica is in the middle of an anti-Josh tirade, but – uh oh! – she doesn’t know Andrea has been secretly seeing Josh! As Erica sits in her awesome little corner of judgment, Andrea worries privately on camera that she can’t tell her friends about Josh because they’ll all hate her. GREAT friends you’ve got there, Andrea.

Jordan has some good news and bad news for us. The good news: his awful tattoo is healing. Bad news: Mom is coming to pick him up and she still doesn’t know about the $2400 tattoo. Uh, I think the bad news WAY outshadows the good news. Jordan is becoming more inept by the second. He proves my point by telling the camera his plan, which consists of not telling his parents about the tattoo until after they pay for tuition. This is just becoming nauseating.

Speaking of nauseating, there’s a new student picking up a camera to replace Alex. Her name is Lindsay and she is perky as hell and kind of makes me sick. This is her annoying introduction: “I’m at the library, hanging out with my best friends: the books! I hit the books a lot. I’m an undercover nerd. Do I look like a nerd? Not quite. But I am. WATCH OUT!”

I MISS ALEX.

Lindsay introduces us to her roommate Miki, and tells us how her brother is a junior at Madison and still has a 4.0, which makes my 2.8 average at that age feel pretty shitty. Lindsay feels the same way, as it seems her parents expect her to be just as boring successful, but Miki insists that if her brother is the perfect child, Lindsay is the “second-perfect child.” Remember: she’s a nerd, WATCH OUT!

Turns out Lindsay gets a lot of opportunities to study, since she practically lives in the library. This isn’t exactly because she obsesses over class (although it’s pretty apparent that she does), but because Miki and her boyfriend are constantly fucking in their dorm. Needless to say, Lindsay hates having a second unofficial roommate, as would anyone. I have to say, this is the first situation this show is dealing with that many college kids can actually relate to. Well done, MTV. But perhaps you could have found someone a little less grating, no?

Jordan is packing only long-sleeve shirts for home, as part of his masterful lying-to-and-stealing-from-his-parents plan. As his mom is coming up the elevator, he realizes there are condoms out, which he scrambles to hide. Oh, please, stop trying to act cool. There’s no way he’s getting any action; all the girls will take one look at his burn victim arm and their pants will become tighter than a chastity belt.

His mom is surprisingly awesome, and there’s a little “Look how much of a mom she is!” montage, with her badgering him with questions such as, “When’s the last time your sheets were washed?” “Have you been smoking?” “Please water your plants,” and, “Why did I raise such a self-centered FAILURE?” She may or may not have said that last one, but I bet she’ll be wishing she had said it in a few days.

Oh God no, it’s Halloween. Madison is notorious for its Halloween party, which is traditionally the third-largest party in the nation, after New Years Eve in Times Square and Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It always gets out of control, with people literally dying and the riot squads being called in, and it ALWAYS ends in tear gas. For some reason, the city got tired of this reputation and decided to make the party totally lame, with stupid bands and an “alcohol-free zone,” and tons and tons of police officers. But the students still try year after year to retain some of the insanity, which always makes Halloween interesting.

Anyway, this is all to say that the Legend of Madison Halloween is right up someone like Kevin’s alley. And, of course, he has to have the most offensive, most disgusting costume of all. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the FREE TAMPON:

I’m sorry. I tried to warn you.

The Halloween scene is just a couple minutes’ worth of yelling and screaming and drinking, which basically sums up the night. It seems to be about 9 AM the next day when Kevin finally goes home, surprisingly alone. How did that extremely hilarious, tasteful costume not score him any chicks? Didn’t they get the joke?! Because he wants to be their tampon! Jesus, every time I think Jordan is becoming the most disgusting character, Kevin does something horrible like this.

At Andrea’s dorm of vapidity, Erica has decided to play matchmaker and hook up Andrea and JJ. Erica accidentally reveals that they’re taking Andrea to the Nitty Gritty, a local restaurant, on her birthday, which is probably the lamest birthday surprise of all time, since the Nitty Gritty is where literally everyone goes for their birthday. But Andrea is SHOCKED that they would go there, and she reacts as if Erica had gotten her tickets to see the Jonas Brothers or whatever other abstinent rock band Andrea loves. Erica and Colleen continue to meddle, trying to get Andrea to go out with JJ on her birthday, and I love watching Andrea squirm, since Josh is asking her to go out for her birthday at the same time. The dramatic irony is simply too much to handle!

At 11 PM, Lindsay is coming back to her dorm, but it’s locked. When she finally gets in, Ross (Miki’s boyfriend) is in Miki’s bed, so Lindsay heads right back out the door. This isn’t that amusing or interesting, but it’s the first honest representation of “college life,” so I’m sort of impressed.

At Jordan’s home in Illinois, we find out something to make him an even worse child, if you can believe that: his mom has taken up a second job to try to pay for his tuition. But he still won’t tell them about the tattoo, until he accidentally moves his sleeve up and reveals it at dinner! He goes upstairs and freaks out, until his sister comes in and lays down the law: “You need a wake-up call. Mom is so right. You are so selfish, Jordan. Mom makes beads and makes necklaces so that you can go to college, Jordan. You think she wants to do that?” Jesus, this is sad. Now I’m picturing his mom slaving away to make beads in a smelly old factory, her spine permanently hunched from the years of hard labor, and I just want to see a lot of bad stuff happen to Jordan.

Jordan’s sister joins Bingham in the show I’m currently working on, where the secondary characters of College Life get cameras of their own and make sensible decisions and say things that follow the rules of logic and common sense.

It’s Andrea’s birthday night, so she’s out with her friends at the Nitty Gritty, and she is rocking the all-black Morticia Addams look. JJ shows up, who is described as merely “Andrea’s crush,” but they greet each other by MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Colleen’s reaction is priceless:

While Lindsay is trying to study in her dorm, Miki and her boyfriend have a spectacular fight, that I want to watch over and over and over again on repeat. This is how it went down:

Ross: Some of the things you say, I, like, just need to, like, talk about.
Miki: I said I was gonna talk to you tomorrow and you decided you wanted to talk today.
Ross: I’ll leave right now!
Lindsay: …Do you guys want me to leave?
Miki: No.
Ross: It’s just the person she is, Lindsay. She’ll never tell you exactly how she feels.
Miki: That’s not true, Lindsay, because I tell him exactly how I feel and it’s just not enough!

THIS IS AMAZING. I love the levels of passive-aggression they reach, but the most inspiring part of the fight is how they manage to drag poor Lindsay in. I want this clip played at my funeral.

Back at Andrea’s dorm, she has a bouquet of flowers from Josh, with a letter. Erica and Colleen do what they do best and start meddling, telling her that she should continue to ignore him (not knowing, of course, that she has been doing exactly the opposite and going to his house and kissing him). Colleen and Erica actually get into a fight over what Andrea should do, as if she has no say in her own life at all. It’s awesome. Andrea just gets really uncomfortable standing between them, and then texts Josh, even though both meddling twins are yelling, “DO NOT TEXT HIM.”

At Jordan’s house, the entire family is giving him the silent treatment, which is much less than they should do to him. His dad is walking to the door, so he says, “Dad, are you leaving?” His dad responds by looking at Jordan, saying nothing, and walking out the door. OUCH. So Jordan decides to go back to Madison early. He says goodbye to his mom, who is just crying on the edge of her bed. She doesn’t even respond when Jordan says, “I love you.” This is so painful to watch, but he totally deserves this.

No, she can’t hug you because her arms don’t work and her back is permanently hunched from beading all day so you can afford tattoos that make you look like Two Face.

As if the incredible Ross/Miki fight wasn’t enough, they have since made up and Ross has moved his shoes, toothbrush, and clothes into their dorm. Lindsay seems ready to snap, and I cannot wait. WATCH OUT for this undercover nerd!

Kevin has been outed on a campus gossip website (which sounds like the lamest website ever) as the “biggest slut” in Madison, so he decides to takes his reputation back into his own hands and stop having sex for a while. He asks Erik for lines to give girls to avoid having sex (because girls must literally be DEMANDING that he sleep with them all the time), since Kevin can only come up with, “I’m on my period.” Man, is he always this hilarious and charming? Erik basically just tells Kevin what an idiot he is and says, “Just tell them you don’t want to.” Kevin’s idiotic brain literally cannot fathom saying these words, and he just looks confused.

Hooray, escalation! Lindsay complained to her RA about Ross, so Miki returned the favor and complained about Lindsay. This is getting good. Apparently Miki’s only complaint was that Lindsay uses more than half of their fridge, and that she had a hairspray bottle sitting on Miki’s bookshelf. So Lindsay obviously just moves the hairspray and rearranges the fridge to solve her problems. But then she makes a really awesome passive-aggressive note to hang that says:

“Boy rules:
1. Boys must leave by 10 PM.
2. No sleepovers of the opposite sex!”

No WAY this is going to lead to more escalation. I can’t wait!

Speaking of escalation, Andrea left her camera sitting out, so Erica and Colleen meddled a little too much and decided to rewind her tapes and see what she’s been up to, which is, of course, going to Josh’s house secretly. Andrea comes back, finds the girls, and Erica turns off the camera to really lay into Andrea.

When the camera comes back on, Andrea is sitting alone, sobbing, saying, “She called me a whore. She called me conceited. She called me spoiled.” Uh… I love Erica’s constant condescension and involvement in Andrea’s life, but why is she taking this Josh thing so personally? The even worse news: Erica and Andrea already signed a lease for next year! “How can you live with someone that doesn’t even like you?” Andrea sobs, and I eagerly wring my hands. The Andrea/Erica drama is so much more exciting than the Andrea/Josh drama. Plus, Josh was barely even in this episode, which is always delightful.

“Fine, fuck you, Erica. I’m moving in with Colleen. She NEVER gets involved in my life.”

What did you think about this episode (or the recap of the episode, since I’m clearly the only person in America watching this show)? Does the Erica/Andrea fight spice up Andrea’s storyline at all, or do you, like me, still hate when she appears in this show? More importantly, who would you rather watch beaten to death: Kevin or Jordan?

T-bag | 07.08.09 | Filed in College Life,Recaps