Mad Men: Long Duck Dong.
This week on Mad Men: Betty gets a couch, Don gets a contract and Peggy gets the Duck.
To sleep…
…perchance…
…to bleed.
“This is your formal living room, so I’ve filled it with ugliest and most uncomfortable furniture imaginable.”
“Seriously, who would want to sit on any of this crap?”
“When I come back, I want to see something even uglier where you’re standing. And move that table to the other end of the couch. Oh SNAP.”
“Jesus Roger, you couldn’t wait till we got off the elevator?”
“It’s good to be the king.”
“You idiots look like an AT&T ‘more bars in more places’ ad. Trust me, that’ll be funny in 40 years.”
“Nice of you to show up this morning, Don. Did I tell you I have ‘needs’?”
“What? Checkout isn’t until noon. Besides, I was busy reading Scripture with my family. Oh, and yuck.”
“Betty, your designer is a genius. We’ve barely been sitting for five minutes, and my ass is already number than Courtney Love’s labia. How do you stand it?”
“My people are Nordic.”
“What am I wearing? Why is that important?”
“I’m wearing the same goddamn shirt I wore last week. Seriously, who do I have to blow to get off this show?”
“So you want help stopping the reservoir, huh? I’ll tell you what. Meet me for lunch and I’ll give you some tips on how to fight them.”
“You’ll give me some reservoir tips? What kind of girl do you think I am?”
“The Nordic kind. Heheh. I said ‘dick’.”
“I know that gift is from Duck. He gave me one, too.”
“Duck gave you a scarf?”
“Actually, he gave me a box of Cuban cigars. And a blue dress. I’m sending the cigars back. Do you think I should keep the dress?”
“Blue is your color.”
“Congratulations on the Hilton account. Now you need to sign your contract.”
“The home office is quite pleased, Don. Quite pleased indeed. In fact, they’re offering you a $5,000 signing bonus. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Nobody’s ever seen anything like The Draper. You only want The Draper because you can’t have The Draper. But if The Draper lets you have The Draper, you won’t want The Draper. So you can see the conundrum The Draper is in.”
“Does The Draper mind if I fart? Too late.”
“Thank you for helping us stop the evil developers.”
“Yeah, about that… I’m afraid the project is already underway. It’s too bad you didn’t call me when you were still pregnant. I have a thing for fat chicks. In my pants!”
“I’ll have to introduce you to Peggy.”
“What a bunch of retards.”
“Here we say ‘challenged’ or ‘mentally disabled’.”
“Are you retarded?”
“I have the perfect place for that couch.”
“I guess I could meet you at your hotel for dinner. What are we having?”
“Duck.”
“What do you want Roger? Can’t you see The Draper is busy?”
“I want The Draper to sign The Draper’s contract.”
“The Draper will see you now.”
“You need to stop asking for things, Peggy, and get better at your job. Frankly, there isn’t a thing you’ve done that The Draper can’t live without, including Pete.”
“So. The. Draper. Doesn’t. Think. I’m. Fun?”
“Betty, it’s Roger. I need you to convince Don to sign his contract.”
“I’d be happy if he’d just sign our marriage license.”
“I can give you a job, but I can’t send you to Paris.”
“Fuck a duck.”
“Oh, you will. The Donger love you long time.”
“What a beautiful night for a drive. I hope nothing happens to screw it up.”
“We can’t give you any money for gas, but we stole some drugs from my father, so we’re totally trustworthy.”
“You ever been to a Turkish prison?”
“You dance pretty good for an old guy. Are you sure you’re in advertising?”
“What are you doin’, boy? Go hit that.”
“The Draper likes to watch.”
“I can’t believe he’s still awake after taking all those drugs. He really must be in advertising.”
“Hey, Whipple, squeeze this!”
“What’s that stain?”
“What happened to you?”
“I got hit from behind.”
“Me too.”
“If you don’t sign the contract, I’ll cut off your dick and boil it in hog’s fat.”
“Will not.”
“Will too.”
“Alright, you win. I’ll sign your contract, but with one condition: I have no more contact with Roger Sterling.”
“What’d I do?”
copygodd | 10.01.09 | Filed in Mad Men
Nice job, cg. The Draper fell into a bad script this week.
No way The Draper gets taken that easily.
Bets on the chaise doing the solo Nordic mambo. ALLEGEDLY!
I’m still horribly traumatized by the whole Pegs/Duck debacle. Duck is the Mad Men equivalent of Principal Skinner. Yick!
Comment #1 on 10.01.09 at 6:45 pmThe only explanation for Pegs colossal mistake is the smack down she got from The Draper. Sometimes Don can be a real ‘fimp’ (Swedish for butt)
The last time I saw a realtionship this wrong it was called Howard The Duck.
“If you don’t sign the contract, I’ll cut off your dick and boil it in hog’s fat.” I love when Bert called The Draper by his real name.
When Don signed it he dated it July 1963. Four months away. I wonder if Weiner will include it.
hb
Comment #2 on 10.01.09 at 10:31 pm“You idiots look like an AT&T ‘more bars in more places’ ad. Trust me, that’ll be funny in 40 years.” Laughed my ass off!
Duck and Peg really disgusted me. I thought her standards were a teensy bit higher than that.
Comment #3 on 10.02.09 at 11:56 amoh, that had me rolling!!!! Good job….and the Roger Sterling in Blackface will never, ever get old :)
Comment #4 on 10.02.09 at 8:43 pmFuck a duck, that was a masterpiece. I laughed so hard I gave myself an asthma attack!
Yeah, the whole Duck and Peggy thing was “hinky”.
Comment #5 on 10.03.09 at 9:03 am