This week on Mad Men: Don’s desk drawer is unlocked, Bitty’s world is rocked, and Paul battles a bad case of writer’s block.

“Why don’t we go to church every Thunday like Carla doesth?”

“Because we’re not negroes. No offense, Carla.”

“Nordic or not, I will cut your skinny white ass.”

“See?”

“Hilton has me working all night again.”

“That’s okay, Don. I’ve got my chaise lounge to keep me company.”

“Can you believe she fell for that Hilton excuse? Nordics are so stupid.”

“So then Sal says, ‘Rectum? I nearly killed ‘em!’ Get it? Because Sal likes rectums?”

“It’s a double date, and the wind is blowing. And then the girl in the back, her hair gets messed up. And then, Peggy gives Medusa her kerchief, because she’s wearing Aquanet and her hair is stiffer than Cameron Diaz’s hair in There’s Something About Mary. And then…”

“Stop. Women in America can’t follow such a complicated storyline. They’ll be lost after your first ‘And then’.”

“Actually, Don, that’s not true. I was able to follow Paul’s story through two ‘And thens…’ before I… Oh look, a squirrel!”

“Don’t you ever do something like that to me again! I barely get any screen time as it is, and I’m the only decent person on this friggin’ show!”

“What? You think you’re better than us just because Don’s a philanderer living a lie, Bitty’s fooling around on Don, Roger’s a bigot, I slept with Pete and gave his baby away and Pete raped a Nazi? Is that what you think?”

“Well, when you put it that way, yes. Yes I do.”

“What makes you think I’m a bigot?”

“Relax, it’s probably just my epileptic brother.”

“I’m not a junkie or anything. Just a plot device the writers dreamed up to complicate your affair with my sister. Oh, I also pee my pants.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t have much luck with brothers. I’d stay away from ropes if I were you.”

“Of course he likes you. He just doesn’t want to shake hands with an admitted pants-pisser.”

“God, would you look at the tits on that one.”

“‘That one’ happens to be my wife.”

“What can I say? Your wife has nice tits.”

“Hello, Draper rethidenth. Thally thpeaking. Preth one for Englith, two for Thpanith. Pleathe hold while I tranthfer your call.”

“First a little inspiration…”

“And now to get the creative juices REALLY flowing. I bet this is just how David Ogilvy does it.”

“My name is Achilles, the janitor. Sorry my hand’s a little crusty, but some sicko keeps jerking off around the office.”

“Great, I finally get a story arc, and it turns out I’m a serial masturbator.”

“I smell Emmy!”

“I’m not stalking you, but if I kill your wife, will you throw my brother from the train?”

“mumblemumblemumble…”

“Maybe you should try writing your idea down next time. That’s what writers do, right? See how I did that with the ‘write’ and the ‘right’? Pretty good, huh?”

“I can’t believe they didn’t fire you for cutting off that British guy’s foot. I am SO going to jizz all over your jacket when you’re not looking.”

“And I end the speech by congratulating Sterling-Cooper on their 40th anniversary. What do you think?”

“Very rousing, sir! Very rousing!”

“Churchill-rousing or Hitler-rousing?”

“That depends on which historical figure is currently occupying space within my pants!”

“Sorry to pull you away from rehearsing, but we’re selling the agency.”

“Well, that’s not very rousing.”

“Did you call me last night?”

“No.”

“Good. You just keep not calling me and everything will be fine.”

“Bitch.”

“So I hear you’re not coming to the party? You know everyone will think you’re ill if you don’t show up.”

“Let them think what they want. I’m old. I don’t give a shit.”

“Let’s see what Don has in his secret drawer. Lots of money…”

“I can’t believe I married such a Dick.”

“Someone has some ‘splainin’ to do.”

“Relax, I’ll drive him. I have an excellent nighttime driving record.”

“Should I wait up and confront Don, err, Dick, or should I just wilt and give up like I always do?”

“Look, I don’t want to go to Bedford, and you just want to go home and screw my sister, so why don’t you just pull over and let me out here, before I piss my pants.”

“Too late.”

“Where were you last night? I waited up for you until I ran out of wine.”

“I told you I was working with Hilton all night.”

“Dick.”

“What? Oops.”

“I had it, Peggy. The perfect idea. And then overnight it slipped from my hands like a spent, limp penis.”

“I know my ideas are crap, but at least I remembered to write them down. Tell him how you didn’t write yours down, Paul, and it slipped away during the night. Go ahead. Tell him.”

“Like a spent, limp penis? I hate when that happens.”

“And so, I’d like to present tonight’s honoree, the most loyal, dedicated, committed family man I know… Don Draper.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Dick.”

……………….

On a somewhat related note, can you believe Don Draper would cheat on this?

copygodd | 10.22.09 | Filed in Mad Men