I’m surprised that this episode of Mad Men featured the Kennedy assassination. I thought for sure they’d save that for the very end of the season finale, and then leave us hanging all year to see if he lives or dies. Maybe run a “Who Shot JFK?” campaign to drum up some additional interest in the show. But no, they did it this week; and they told us who killed him already. Now unless something scary, like say a zombie outbreak, happens next week, I’ll have nothing to look forward to next season. All the important story ends have already been tied up. Well, except for the future of Don Dick and Bitty’s marriage, the future of Don and Roger’s working relationship, the sale of the agency, Pete’s unpromotion, Greg’s stint in the Army, Peggy’s fascination with Duck’s Long Dong, Thally’s continuouth flirtation with dykedom, Kinsey’s serial masturbation and Cooper’s refusal to wear shoes in the office.

Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD!

“Mr. Campbell, I brought you some hot chocolate.”

“This isn’t real hot chocolate. Father said real hot chocolate is made with milk.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but nobody in the secretarial pool is lactating at the moment. Perhaps you should try knocking one of them up again.”

“Unfortunately, we’ve decided to give the promotion to Mr. Cosgrove. While you are very good at buffing the client’s knob, he possesses the rare gift of making the clients feel as if they have no knob.”

“I hope the decision was as hard as my wife is going to beat me.”

“Can you believe New Mom had the nerve to give me something both new AND blue? What, I suppose she couldn’t find anything old and borrowed?”

“Daddy, I HATE New Mom!”

“Put Old Mom on the phone.”

“Your father says if you don’t start acting like a grownup, he’s not going to pay for your Brazilian.”

“Why did you have to talk to my daughter? You’re ruining everything.”

“I’m ruining everything? You’re the one who just threatened to not pay for her Brazilian. How do you think that’s going to help their honeymoon?”

“I was fired today at work.”

“Were you fired-fired, or just fired?”

“There’s a difference?”

“What’s happenin’, hot stuff? No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food. And by food, of course, I mean sex.”

“You’re. Making. Me. So. Hot.”

“First you make me fire Sal because he won’t put out for our closeted client, then you won’t give me the money I need to hire a replacement?”

“Don’t make me sell this agency.”

“He better not die. I had his brother in the office death pool.”

“Oh no, Carla. THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD.”

“Thath what happenth to guyth who fool around on their wiveth. And thath why I’m going to be a one-woman girl.”

“Wow. Duck. Is. That. An. Assassination. Attempt. In. Your. Pants. Or. Are. You. Just. Happy. To. See. Me?”

“The President is dead.”

“Dammit, I KNEW I should’ve taken him in the office death pool.”

“It’s not fair! I bet New Mom had him killed just to ruin my wedding!”

“Daddy, why is mom so upset? I thought she was Nordic?”

“Medical authorities in Cumberland have concluded that in all cases, the killers are eating the flesh of the people they kill. And so this incredible story becomes more ghastly with each report. It’s difficult to imagine such a thing actually happening, but these are the reports we have been receiving and passing on to you, reports which have been verified as completely as is possible in this confused situation. Also, the President is dead.”

“I’m not going to that wedding. The news said there are zombies everywhere!”

“We have to go to the wedding. It’s business. And why do you still smell like sauerkraut? I ought to drag you out there and FEED you to those things!”

“Criminy, I only RAPED that German nanny. It’s not like I ate her brains or anything.”

“Christ, Pete, who cares about zombies? THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD!”

“Look, I know the president is dead, and there are zombies running around everywhere, and for all we know, the president IS a zombie, but have any of you seen my wife? Can you believe I’m tappin’ that?”

“Stay classy, Roger.”

“People, watching TV isn’t going to bring our dead president back to life.”

“It has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder. A widespread investigation of funeral homes, morgues, and hospitals has concluded that the unburied dead have been returning to life and seeking human victims. It’s hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact. Also, the President is dead.”

“I stand corrected.”

“A dead president AND a zombie outbreak on your wedding day? You’re gonna have some story to tell the kids.”

“The Draper wants to dance.”

“The Draper needs to keep it in The Draper’s pants.”

“Nomnomnom.”

“Really, Don? Nomnomnom?”

“Where’s a good zombie when you need one?”

“Hey Red, you hear the president’s dead?”

“Yes, but bt sounds so much sexier when you say it. Plus it rhymes.”

“At this hour, we repeat, these are the facts as we know them. There is an epidemic of mass murder being committed by a virtual army of unidentified assassins. The murders are taking place in villages and cities, in rural homes and suburbs with no apparent pattern nor reason for the slayings. It seems to be a sudden general explosion of mass homicide. Also, the President is dead.”

“I’ve had it with these frickin’ zombies! Don’t they know the PRESIDENT IS DEAD?! They make me so mad I could go screw the governor’s campaign manager. And by screw the governor’s campaign manager, of course, I mean go for a drive.”

“Nomnomnom.”

“Do you think it’s safe to go back to work? I was sorta fired, there are zombies running around everywhere, and THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD.”

“Whatevs.”

“Between the President dying and the zombie outbreak, I’ve realized I don’t love you anymore. Besides, you’re a dick.”

“What?”

“See?”

“Oops.”

“What are you doing here, Don?”

“The bars are all closed.”

“Good point. Well, I’m going to go watch our dead President’s funeral.”

“Yeah, they’re dead. They’re all messed up.”

“BRAAAAINNNNSSSSSSSS!”

copygodd | 11.05.09 | Filed in Mad Men