After all weirdness of last week’s episode, which was basically a tour around the darker, more imbalanced portions of Tyra’s psyche, this week threw a dose of lithium on the fun, and not for the better. You’d think a bunch of girls in bikinis would be more exciting, especially when one of the bikinis showcased Marissa Miller’s superhuman breasts. Even the threat of potential drowning during the photo shoot didn’t generate many thrills.  On the other hand, happy birthday Laura!

We are down to the final five. The stress of the contest, not to mention being subject to the whims of a psychotic, but fierce, despot, seems to be getting to everyone. Erin worries about being in the bottom two again, which combined with the scratchy sheets in her Hawaiian mansion and helicopter tours she’s forced to take must make her life a living hell. Jennifer tries to be nice to Nicole’s face while secretly resenting her success, and Sundai marvels at how Birttany can be sent packing when she had so many top photos. Psst, Sundai, the answer rhymes with Shmyra shminsanity.

Laura remains gloriously unaffected. And, yay, it’s her birthday!  Everyone eat a huge plate of eggs and spam to celebrate!

Laura is crushed to learn spam is not actually an animal and therefore cannot be castrated.

Tyra mail arrived the night before, reading “You never know what can come to shore. I hope you look appropriate.” Prompting Laura  immediately blurt out “We’re gonna be seeeea turrrrrrrtles!” What?  I’m really not sure how that mental leap came about, although a shoot where models crawl onto shore, dig a nest and lay eggs interests me greatly.

In the end, what comes to shore to greet the waiting models is Marissa Miller, ferried by a boat of very nice looking Hawaiian dudes. Marissa announces she a supermodel and she’s “only” 5’8. Why, that’s practically a midget! She must have a lot of stepladders around the house to help her get stuff off the high shelves. She should hang out with the family on Little People, Big World. I bet they have a lot in common.

Then Marissa whips off her dress and I forget what I was talking about. From my notes, “Wow, she’s got nice tits.” I may or may not have repeated that several times through out the show. I’m not proud of this reaction, but damn, those things are mesmerizing. I can only imagine the reaction they induce in straight men.

You may now start feeling inadequate.

Marissa schools them in all the tricks of bikini modeling, conveniently forgetting Trick #1: Look like Marissa Miller. The tricks include

• Look like Marissa Miller, especially around the chest area
• Stick out your chest
• Stick out your ass
• Use “Barbie toe” wherein one mimics the hideously deformed feet of Barbie. Hawt.
• Women like the side view, men prefer full frontal (This bullshit theory handily supplied by Tyra)

Erin realizes that she is different than Marissa, in two large, firm ways.

I find it hard to believe the target demo of the SI swimsuit issue is that hung up feet. But wait, there’s more! The full soft-core porn fantasy involves frolicking in the waves (because you are a sexy se kitten), rolling in the sand (because you area dirty, dirty girl), and then a sensual shower (because you love the hot liquid hitting your face, yes you do).

Poor Laura has to roll around in the sand despite her 2^nd degree sunburn. Take heart Laura, it’s all so you can look like this

Are you turned on yet?

It’s clear that the girls have other handicaps besides not looking like Marissa Miller. The attempts to take a sexy shower do not go well, despite helpful advice from Marissa such as “No boob rubbing!” and “Show the ass!” Observe the results.

“Jebus, what a disaster. I’m glad my fabulous nipples can’t see this.”

Now the girls can dig a big hole in the sand, put the advice at the bottom, and fill it in. They’ll never use it again. At least not this episode. Instead, at the urging of a handsome British man in shorts, they’ll jump off a cliff.

Yes, it is Nigel, showing a little leg, that meets up with them at a little ledge above the ocean. They shove a hapless local girl off the cliff (Marissa is not paid enough to do such things) while a nameless photographer takes a picture from a tiny inflatable boat (Nigel is not paid enough to do such things).

Jen freaks about a bit, owing to her long-standing fear of heights and newly discovered fear of dying in front of Marissa and Nigel. Erin, on the other hand, insists she’ll jump off of anything.

And jump she does, forgoing sexy for a full body re-creation of a gang sign.

Erin suddenly remembers that synchronized swimming requires water and a partner.

Nicole at least tries to show her curves, providing a little something for the ladies with the side view. Too bad the curves are from her ribs poking through the skin.

Unexpectedly, a strong wind blows Nicole back up onto the cliff.

Jennifer simply flings herself off the cliff, trying to get her impending death over with as soon as possible. Props to her for overcoming her fear. Her expression manages to recreate that moment when Wile E. Coyote realizes he’s run out of cliff and therefore he and the anvil from Acme will now plunge into the canyon below.

Sundai doesn’t jump so much as slip off the edge, creating real concern that she did hit the rocks below. Luckily she misses the jagged boulders. For all the drama, she appears pretty bored with the whole thing.

Laura, bless her heart, tries basically the same pose as Jennnifer: Right hand on the head, left arm out. It just doesn’t quite work. There’s a reason the words “flail” and “sexy” aren’t usually associated with each other, and this is it.

Nigel and Marissa descend to render judgment. It’s really no contest. Just look at those photos! Nicole wins earning a prize and a little bit more of Jennifer’s resentment. She wins some chocolate pearl jewelry (that’s pearls given some sort of weird treatment to make them brown, not the chocolate equivalent of a candy necklace). She also wins extra photos in the next shoot.

And there’s more! When it comes to the photos, it not so much having a winner, so much as having a loser. Nicole gets to pick another girl to also have extra frames, who in turns picks another girl until one girl is left. She’s the loser, with no extra frames and the knowledge everyone hates her. Can you guess who that is?

Yes, indeed, Erin finds herself the last kid to be chosen for dodgeball. Even worse, Nicole snagged some expensive jewelry while Erin got shafted with that mind-numbingly beautiful helicopter tour.

Back at the house, Laura’s birthday celebration continues. I know the place is awesome and all, but are they under house arrest? Why aren’t they going out? There must be places they can hit up even if they are under the legal drinking age (except old lady Jennifer, age 23). This makes me miss the foreign trips where the eighteen year olds could get their groove on. Instead they eat cake and complain about Erin. You know you’ve hit a new level of annoyance when you can piss people off while making cupcakes for them, an activity that makes most people forgive anything. Is that a cake you making, Bernie Madoff? You’re not so bad!

Laura’s a 50 year old binge and purger, judging by the amount of candles and food.

The Tyra-Mail-of-Impending-Doom announces “Tomorrow you’ll be getting friendly with some local natives.” Sea Turtle humping! Unless Laura castrates them first.

Jay greets them at the dock. My fears of a perpetually sleeveless Jay prove unfounded. In fact, he looks pretty damn great, suspiciously hairless legs not withstanding. Well played, my friend.

So anyway, much as the previous challenge had nothing to do with the Tyra Mail, unless writhing on the beach is the new definition of “appropriate,” this shoot turns out equally disconnected, unless an Aussie with expensive highlights and even more expensive veneers is the new idea of “local native.”

The shoot will be underwater, with the girls taking hits off scuba tanks. The dive-safety freak in me thinks this sounds like a terrible idea, while the reality show addict in me is looking forward to the chaos. I’m not sure why the girls can’t take a breath at the surface and dive down, it’s way safer. Between this and the cliff diving, I can’t rule out this cycle is part of Tyra plan to kill off short people.

Jay, ridiculously, gives Laura pointers on looking tall on the water, which as usual is code for thin. Laura’s panicky at first, and breaks for the surface, making me very worried. Quick ascents after taking a breath off a scuba tank are a big, potentially lethal no-no. Then again, I probably would have heard about a model with an exploded lung, so I’ll just assume everything went OK, and there was a team of dive-safety officers on hand.

Everything does turn out OK, as Laura calms herself and does just fine. By the way, the models are also weighed down with little ankle weights that are photoshopped out of the final picture. Her photo turns out nice and graceful, even though a yellow cloudy in a swimming shot is not exactly appealing.

Nicole, once again, manages to bring it, despite Erin openly rooting for her to panic. Once again, her shot is easily the best, although once again, her competition is not that strong. She’s voguing it up Merman crowd, granny panties and all.

It seems Jennifer needed a few more ankle weights, she keeps floating to the surface. She’s a witch! Her picture is the oddest of all. There’s something very lifeless about it, like a mannequin tossed overboard (no doubt for mutiny, you know how mannequins get), and is now deciding where to settle in on the reef. Or maybe it’s a sea-robot (you know they exist), on it’s way to the surface, only to suddenly remember it left the iron on back at the lair. I’ve been straing at this picture for 10 minutes and can’t figure it out.

Sundai’s been complaining since they got on the boat: she’s sea sick, worried about her ear hurting and about her asthma. All of which make her very reluctant to go very deep. She’s clearly very uncomfortable in the water. Russell and Jay think she’s just making excuses, with Jay reminding her that lots of people dive with asthma. That’s true Jay! And do you know what else people with asthma do? They talk to their doctors about diving before they it, not silver haired fashionistas. Sundai’s slearly psyching herself out a bit here, but I don’t blame her for wanting more than Jay’s opinion on medicine and dive safety. Nontheless, even the healthiest lungs in the world would not stop Sundai from breaking out her standard pose.

Look familiar? That’s because the “water nymph” pose is the same as the “ninja-genie” pose, all of them. Sundai’s worst ailment is a lack of imagination.

And then there is Erin, aka the loser. The friendless, frameless, eyebrowless loser. She intersperses vows to be fierce with whines that she shouldn’t be judges as harshly as the others. The vows to be fierce don’t work out so well, unless splashing around the surface is fierce. It could be! Someone out there must be turned on by the doggie paddle. Dogs, for instance. Anyway, Russell feels she blew her chance, a common rookie mistake. Blow the photographer next time. Actually her picture is so terrible, not as disturbing as Jennifer’s anyway. It’s just kind of vague and faraway, like maybe you stumbled on a sea-nymph in the wild, wiping her ass.

Erin naturally, takes the setback maturely. Ha! Of course not, she cries and pins her hopes on the “I had less frames” excuse. At least she has this back at the house to cheer her up.

Who doesn’t love Laura, besides a few gelded horses back at the farm?

Tyra’s feeling festive too, as evidences by the Christmas decorations she’s wearing. Aren’t we supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to wear them. It comes earlier every year.

Marissa Miller returns, displaying her own special decorations.

“My modeling advice to a fantastic pair of these. A pair of hands! Ha ha ha! See? I can be pretty and funny! But seriously, you need a really great rack, especially if we’re to overlook your grotesque shortness.”

Sundai steps up first, dressed, as usual like she came from the mall. Tyra, at long last, takes notice of the somewhat stilted way Sundai talks. To be fair, I haven’t mentioned it before either, partly because it’s so hard to describe. It’s part rushed speech and part muppet, with a dash of James Cagney thrown in.

The reviews of her picture are mixed. They like her body, but feel she’s lost her face. No one calls her on the ice-skater pose. Tyra wants her deeper in the water, all the better to drown her. She’s definitely not smiling with her eyes, more sleeping with her eyes.

Laura’s got another piece from the couture collection of Wanda Sue! She definitely has a signature vision, I pegged it as from her clothing line the moment Laura stepped into frame.

“It’s an original! We copied it from the JC Penny Catalog.”

“Bring the offending garment to me. Only I, Tyra, may wear crudely made sparkle-clothes”

“You’ll take good care of it?”

“In the sense I will burn it immediately, yes.”

Laura mentions that suffocating is her greatest fear, meaning both she and Jennifer got to confront their phobias. See, ANTM can be healing, if it doesn’t kill you first. She managed to produce a photo that looks very peaceful. Miss J points out that she didn’t find the light. Um, Miss J, the light was up at the surface, where they were forbidden to go. It’s not like her face is completely in shadow. Does she look like she’s whistling to anyone else?

Nigel loooooves Jennifer’s weird photo, apparently because it is dreamy and weird, which I can appreciate. After all, it induced me to stare at it for a long time. But still, creepy. Marissa objects to the lack of curves. How is anybody to supposed to jerk off to a flat-chested  sea-corpse?

Tyra mentions that Jennifer seemed to be holding her breath, as though she were underwater. For a second I thought Tyra perhaps did not realize that Jen was actually underwater and therefore holding her breath. This was not an impossibility. Then it dawned on me that Tyra was referring to Jennifer holding her breath during judging. Jennifer admits she does that the point of being light-headed afterwards. And Tyra though it was just being in her presence that caused that feeling.

Nicole’s picture receives much praise. Nigel thinks it has a very ‘80s feel, which … what? Where is that coming from? I have no idea, but he likes it. Miss J and Tyra take objection to Nicole’s non-Barbie feet. Tyra confesses that she always gets cramps when she does it, but she pushes through, lest the world be subjected to the hideous vision of a bikini model with flat feet. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that very few of bikini-model target audience member are focusing on feet.

Once again we have Erin bringing up the rear. She tries to bluff out the judges by saying she didn’t need the extra frames, secretly hoping they never see the eight hours of film showing her bitching about the extra frames. As Nigel points out, it’s clearly not the best shot she’s had this cycle.

Tyra complains that Erin looks beautiful but unrecognizable. This a problem because — and bear with me here because I am trying to parse the crazy – models get paid more the more famous they are, so if they paid a famous model a lot of money and she’s not recognizable, they’ve wasted money. I see. And if you have paid someone no money and get a pretty picture albeit one where you don’t recognize the completely unknown model, then have you still wasted your money? Sigh. I don’t know why I bother. Next week she’ll be telling them to be chameleons that are unrecognizable.

Anyhow, during deliberation, the judges admire Laura’s commitment. If only this weren’t followed by Tyra’s attempt at a southern accent. They both love and hate Erin’s picture, while Nicole’s feet are once again called out for general unsexiness. Nigel and Marissa disagree over Jennifer’s photo, with Marissa complaining that she’s too erect.

“You really do have lovely hands”

Photo time! Jennifer wins. Wait, what? I guess they really value your opinion here, Marissa. Thanks for stopping by. Nicole receives the second spot along with another admonishment to work on her Barbie toe. Laura gets the next picture, leaving Sundai and Erin (again!) in the bottom two.

Even though this is Erin’s third trip in a row to the bottom two, I’m pretty sure it’s curtains for Sundai Love. Tyra eases into extreme over-enunciation mode to explain. You see, Sundai had twice the frames, but 10 times the excuses. You may have asthma, but so do many divers, athletes, and even models (yes, she said models) have asthma. Thank you Dr. Tyra! I don’t know why anyone with a respiratory problem would worry about a practice that involves pressurized air in the lungs, not when they have a supermodel around to tell them its OK. Erin on the other hand, is just getting weaker.

Erin stays. Tyra warns her she was only ahead by a hair. A bleached, overprocessed hair. Tyra bids Sundai goodbye, pausing only to bring up the painful childhood that Sundai had been carefully concealing from her fellow models.

Come into my cleavage, little orphan bird. May you suckle on my fierceness

So hear we are with the final four: Nicole, Laura, Jennifer and Erin. Could this be the cycle an Asian finally wins? I sincerely doubt it, but then again, you can rarely predict the whims of a crazy person, at least not without the proper FBI psychological profile.

The End

brilliantmistake | 11.12.09 | Filed in America's Next Top Model,Recaps