After a week-long hiatus (except for the fairly pointless reunion episode last week, in which we learned that Carla is considerably less kooky with straightened hair, Fabio is still hard to understand, Marcel is still a douche, and Lisa’s bitchiness was “all editing”), Top Chef: Las Vegas is back! This week, Padma gets in bed with another woman, Michael reveals the extensive thought that goes into a gourmet meal, and Eli serves up clown puke.

Before the episode even begins, I savor the replay of Mike’s elimination. Two weeks later, and it still tastes sweet. Anyway, the episode opens with Bryan calling home to talk to his wife and son, which is usually the mark of this week’s eliminated chef. But, since this is Bryan we’re talking about, I’ll just assume this is misdirection. His son, by the way, is only 22 months old, but he calls his dad “Bryan.” This is really weird.

Robin wants to bond with Jennifer because they’re both girls or whatever, but Jennifer is actually pretty upset that Mike left. Really? I’m surprised, until I remember that last episode Jennifer was turned on by the idea of Bam-Bam dragging her around by her hair, so her attraction to Mike makes a lot more sense. Off to the M Resort! Wait, no, this time we’re going to the Venetian. Whatever!

The chefs go to the kitchen, and there’s no one there to greet them. Except for some woman standing by a phone, and I’m at least 50% sure that this isn’t Padma in disguise, although based on her outfit choices this season I wouldn’t be surprised if she has taken to wearing masks. Actually, Padma is still in bed, all wrapped up in a robe, and calling down to the chefs to demand they cook her room service and deliver it to her bed. If this is a true scenario (which I am obviously assuming to be the case), then I am shocked to discover that not only does Padma wake up with perfect hair and make-up, but she also frequently sleeps with famous cooking personalities like Nigella Lawson.

“Hello, this is Padma Lakshmi. I’m going to need you all to make me your best post-sex awkward breakfast. Or, Eli, what you would call ‘Mom’s pancakes.’ “

Eli calls Nigella the “less-French Julia Child,” and reveals that Gordon Ramsay named a turkey after her. I initially scoff at this achievement, but upon further reflection decide that I really want Gordon Ramsay to name a bird after me. You win this round, Lawson. By the way, I should mention that Nigella is definitely one of the best guest judges ever. She’s incredibly witty, not bad to look at, and serves as a nice reminder that not all British food critics are as detestable as Toby Young. Find a way to keep her on board, Bravo.

Well, Robin and Eli are round one, so they get to work, with Robin basically freaking out. As usual. Eli’s doing a breakfast play on a reuben, which sounds kind of good. Once those two go up to deliver their food, Michael and Kevin jump in the kitchen. Before Michael even looks at anything or starts to cook anything, he shouts, “[Bleep]! [Bleep] [bleep]!” Well said.

To get to Padma and Nigella’s room, the chefs apparently have to walk a mile through the hotel, use two elevators, ride a monorail, find a secret passageway, and decipher the Sphinx’s riddle. Or at least that’s how Robin makes it seem. Don’t make her walk, she had cancer! Anyway, Robin serves up a blintz, with some pineapple and blueberries. BOOOORING. Although Robin’s shitty cooking is probably the closest to what most people experience when they get room service, so maybe she should win this round. As long as she charges $18 for her shitty blintz. Also, Eli’s dish is declared “a great hangover breakfast,” by Nigella. Eli doesn’t know what that means because his mom doesn’t let him drink.

In keeping with her theme of trying things she can’t do, Robin attempts to sleep standing up.

Kevin’s obviously making the biggest breakfast ever, serving the ladies some steak and eggs. Michael’s making a cuban-inspired breakfast that seems insanely complicated for 20 minutes. Also, Robin is just walking around Michael’s part of the kitchen, as he’s frantically trying to plate. WHAT THE FUCK. She gets in Michael’s way, and he yells, “I’d rather you just be gone right now!” which sends Robin off into another little bitchfest about how rude he is, but for once I totally agree with Michael screaming at Robin. What the hell is she doing? “I’m not going back in there,” she declares, as if that’s some sort of punishment for Michael.

After all that, Michael’s cuban eggs look pretty amazing. He even made a banana puree? Wow. Nigella observes, “The thing about breakfast is you can eat it at any time during the day,” which is pretty inane but I don’t want to make fun of her. Kevin’s steak and eggs also look delicious, if not the most filling breakfast ever.

Jennifer isn’t worried because she does room service out of her kitchen, but I’m mostly excited because she’s making creamed chipped beef, which is one of my favorite meals, even though it looks like vomit on top of bread. Nigella is obviously not attracted to the plate of crap Jennifer hands her, but Jennifer doesn’t do herself any favors by describing it as “Shit on a Shingle.” Bryan serves up a Four-Minute Egg, or something, and it basically tastes like vanilla. Dessert-flavored egg? This sounds gross.

After getting up and dressed (and probably showering together; let your imaginations run wild with these two sharing a room, fellas), Nigella and Padma call the chefs back into the room. The least favorites are Bryan (vanilla, eggs, and crab?) and Robin (boring, stupid blintz). The best two are Kevin (obviously, that steak and egg looked delicious), and Eli (his dish was witty or something?). The winner is Eli, so let’s just pretend that never happened.

The elimination challenge is to create a dish inspired by a casino, which is a pretty basic yet interesting concept. They draw knives to choose hotels, and the results are: Bryan gets Mandalay Bay; Eli gets Circus Circus; Michael gets New York, New York; Kevin gets the Mirage; Jennifer gets Excalibur; and Robin gets the Laughing Jackalope Motel. Kidding. She gets the Bellagio. But you wouldn’t know that from her dish!

The chefs will be catering for a party of 175 of Las Vegas’s “elite,” who are probably 174 strippers and this guy:

Eli in 10 years.

So now they’re all off to explore the hotels. I hope for a montage of everyone getting drunk and gambling away the $15,000 chips they’ve won in their High-Stakes Quickfires, but it’s mostly just a reminder how sad and tacky Las Vegas is. Michael heads over to New York, New York and takes important notes, such as, “Statue of Liberty” and “American flag.” Yes, his dish is really coming together nicely. All he knows at this point is that he wants to pay tribute to firefighters.

At Excalibur, Jennifer has to sit and watch the Tournament of Kings and pretend that she’s enjoying this cheesy bullshit. There are weird midgets! Gay wizards! Eating an entire chicken with your fingers! She gets a free souvenir mug, though, so I guess it wasn’t a total wash. She comes out of the experience totally confused as to what to make, but hopefully it will pay tribute to all the failed acting careers of the participants in the Tournament of Kings.

Me in 10 years.

Bryan goes to Mandalay Bay and visits the shark reef. Cook shark! That would be hilarious. Alas, he decides to use the theme of sustainable fishing. That’s dull. I wanted him to serve Padma and Nigella a fucking whole shark head or something. Be interesting for once, Bryan! He also buys a shark stuffed animal for his son. Awwwww. Why are we getting so much attention on Bryan’s relationship with his son? Again, this is normally reserved for someone who is going home.

Robin goes to the Bellagio and is immediately dragged back out by security on suspicion of prostitution. Kidding! She is distracted by the colorful stained glass sculpture on the ceiling of the lobby, so she decides to make some sort of gelatin dish to pay tribute to it? This is insanely stupid. Also, she’s never done anything like this before, which has always worked out for her in the past!

After staring at the shiny colors for 2 hours, Robin is told that her allotted research time is up.

Kevin goes to the Mirage and checks out the dolphins. Much like Bryan’s sharks, I’m hoping for him to cook dolphin. Alas, he’ll probably just cook some sort of delicious steak.

Eli heads over to Circus Circus, and immediately turns his nose up at the place, complaining about the lack of luxury. I mean, he’s right, but still. What a snob. He’s inspired by the colors of a circus and also cotton candy, which already makes his dish sound disgusting.

Eli complains about the lack of luxury at Circus Circus while sporting his fanciest clothes.

Back home, Eli’s still whining. He complains to the group that there’s no circus at Circus Circus (actually, it’s the largest permanent circus in the world), so Kevin calls him a “whiny-ass dude.” This is why Kevin is the best. Everyone then starts picking on Eli for having probably the easiest, most definitive theme, and still finding a way to complain about it. Eli whines that there are no restaurants in Circus Circus (there are 8), and Michael points out that you’re supposed to be inspired by the atmosphere of the hotel, not the food in the restaurants. Idiot. Kevin hilariously describes the way Eli goes about his life as if you’re looking at a “really sad velvet painting.” Seriously, how the fuck is Eli scrounging for a theme?

Everyone gets to work, and Robin is making a dessert that she’s never made before. I wonder who’s getting eliminated this week! Jennifer is making a fairly complicated dish, with three different red wine sauces. She’s inspired by the sword in the stone. Eli is using peanuts, caramel apples, and popcorn, which are all fairly delicious together, so it’s not like he can screw this up, right? (Spoiler alert: HE DOES.)

Kevin nip slip! And Eli belly slip! Sexy!

With their prep time finished, everyone heads over to the World Market Center, which is apparently enormous. They start setting up their stations, and Michael’s kind of freaking out because he has to fry 200 chicken wings. Jennifer is also scrambling, and Robin’s dish is completely falling apart as her sugary stained glass creations haven’t set properly. But there’s no time to fix it, because the guests have arrived. And they are apparently starving, from the way they HOVER over the stations like animals:

“FEED US.”

The judges approach Jennifer, who has nothing ready yet, but she quickly throws together a fairly cool-looking reenactment of the sword in the stone, with a steak standing in for the stone. Unfortunately, it is literally like a stone, as it’s too tough to cut or even chew. Isn’t that how meat was in the Middle Ages, anyway? Bonus points for accuracy! Nigella says that the dish left her “ready to be in wench mode.” So, again, doesn’t that mean that Jennifer succeeded in creating a medieval dish? I’M SO CONFUSED.

Kevin made wild Alaska salmon on top of a salad of compressed vegetables. I have no idea what this has to do with the Mirage, but it seems well-thought-out, and everyone, including the judges, enjoy every last moment of his dish, including drinking the broth at the bottom of the bowl.

Michael made a chicken wing with a bleu cheese disc. To explain his inspiration for the dish, he provides the BEST thought process ever: “I figured, chicken wings, New York, firefighters — probably something they like to eat.” YES. That was amazing. I don’t really hear the judges’ reactions to his dish because I’m laughing so hard, but it seems like it goes over well.

“When I taste this chicken wing, I definitely think about 9/11.”

Robin made panna cotta, and then shows the judges the glassy sugar pieces that didn’t set. Why the fuck are you showing them what you’re NOT serving them? Nigella likes the smell of Robin’s dish, but the texture is too solid. And – again with the fantastic quotes! – Nigella explains that a proper panna cotta should “have the quiver of a 17th-century courtesan’s inner thigh.” I think this is the moment when I officially fell in love with Nigella Lawson. Seriously, Bravo, replace Toby with her NOW. Anyway, Robin’s dish is terrible.

Bryan made a halibut with a bouillabaisse consomme and a “parsley fluid gel,” which sounds disgusting, but goes over well. I have nothing more to say about this dish. It was good, okay? What more do we need to know?

“A proper halibut should be warm, like the recently-used bedding of a Victorian Era prostitute, and glisten like the bosom of a 17th-century Swedish milkmaid after a hard day’s work.”

And then there’s Eli. Instead of making some sort of gourmet hot dog (”I figured, hot dog, circus, clowns – probably something they like to eat”) or nachos or something, he decided to make a caramel apple peanut soup with crushed popcorn. What the fuck. This looks like a cup of vomit with a little bit of that powder that makes vomit disappear thrown on top of it. Nigella is actually frightened by it and makes the other judges taste it first. Padma looks horrified and says, “I don’t like it at all.” Suddenly, my hopes start flying that Eli will also be sent home before Robin. “Like most people who come to Vegas, he has gambled and lost,” quips Toby, who has clearly been waiting WEEKS to use that line.

“Ugh, this tastes like it was made by someone ugly.”

The TiVo break this week is the most pointless one yet; the chefs just drink champagne and toast to being in the top six. I should have just kept fast-forwarding through this shit.

Padma calls Kevin, Michael, and Bryan into Judges’ Table and declares them the favorites. No shit. Thankfully for Jennifer, she should be fine with the other two idiots surrounding her. Basically, Kevin, Michael, and Bryan were all good this week, so I don’t really feel like going over the compliments they received. Oh, except Toby calls Michael’s dish “effeminate,” and then Michael says that he’s a strong believer that your personality is on the plate. Is he trying to tell us something? Well, Michael’s sissy dish is declared the winner, which thankfully saves us from having to watch another temper tantrum. As a reward, Nigella gives him a giant bottle of wine!

“And this should help all you chefs cope with your drinking problems!”

The other three get called in, and my mind is racing, “Please send Eli home please send Eli home,” even though I know it’s probably hopeless. Jennifer admits she didn’t have a clear vision of what to do, and admits that her dish was boring. Tom says that maybe she had a lack of knowledge of medieval cooking. Do they teach that in culinary school? Can a chef really be faulted for not knowing intricately how to cook like they did a thousand years ago? And then Toby makes officially his lamest analogy ever: “It was more Spamalot than Camelot.” This makes no sense. Is he talking about the musicals? Because Spamalot won the Tony for Best Musical, as well as two other Tony’s. So… is he saying her dish was good? Toby, if you’re going to use these pre-rehearsed lines, at least make them make sense.

Robin was happy with her concept, but not her execution, and she admits she was playing with things she had never done before, essentially sealing her fate. She also admits that she’s envious of her competitors’ knowledge and is trying to emulate them. You’re gone, Robin. Sorry to tell you.

Robin’s sad clown impression is more reflective of Circus Circus than Eli’s dish.

However, Nigella HATED Eli’s dish. Tom picks apart the texture of the soup, and Eli stupidly stands by his dish. Really, Eli? You served them something that people spew from the Tilt-A-Whirl. Padma says that she would never want to eat Eli’s dish again, and I can’t blame her.

Back in the Stew Room, Jennifer seems to have given up, saying, “I’m ready to go.” Don’t give up! The judges note that she seems to have hit a wall, and she’s definitely been on a downward spiral for the past few weeks. But she doesn’t deserve to go home before those other two idiots. The judges all ridicule Robin’s inability to make panna cotta, which Nigella says is “child’s play.” Ooh, snooty! Again, Nigella is the best. Nigella then says that she would rather eat sawdust than Eli’s dish, and Tom or Toby (I don’t remember, but it was someone bald) says his dish was almost “circus-like” in how much of a mess it was. So, does that mean he succeeded? These comparisons are all getting really confusing.

The three are called back in, and Robin is already sobbing. She knows that she’s going, and, sure enough, Padma tells her to pack her knives. Well, there goes your safety net, chefs!

The final three are obvious, but the real question is whether or not Jennifer can pull it together to defeat Eli next week. Or could Eli be our Lisa this season? As long as he keeps serving up human waste, Jennifer should be fine next week, but do you think she’s hit the wall and will completely self-destruct next week? Also, isn’t Nigella the best, you guys?????

T-bag | 11.14.09 | Filed in Recaps, Top Chef