As requested, I am here to recap the Survivor: Samoa finale. We all watched as Russell – one of the most beloved AND hated Survivors ever – singlehandedly made this season interesting. (Seriously, why did they cast most of these people? I applied for this season, and I’m frankly kind of offended that dull people like Brett or Kelly were chosen over me.) Anyway, let’s see who wins this thing (spoiler alert: Jaison can’t ever win anything)!

The episode begins with a lengthy recap of the season. To summarize: Russell is awesome (albeit a douche), and he carried Mick, Natalie, and Jaison to the end. Brett was non-existent and then came out of nowhere as the last remaining Galu member to win challenges and suddenly become a threat to the Foa Foa Four. Brett seems likable enough, but if he wins after doing nothing for 33 days, I will be seriously pissed.

Russell wakes everyone up with Tree Mail, which is better than how he probably normally wakes them up: with farts. Jaison starts complaining (what else would he do?) about having diarrhea all night long. We did not need that visual, Jaison. Russell talks some sense by saying that they should be focusing on beating Brett, not whining and napping.

Russell then takes Natalie aside and tells her that if Brett wins, he can’t save her, because the guys will want to keep the strongest in order to beat Brett. But isn’t this just kind of sexist? I mean, Jaison is terrible at everything he does. One of his immunity wins he literally bought. And Natalie did almost as well as him in that challenge, with no purchased advantage! Hopefully someone wakes up and realizes that Jaison will never win another challenge.

Russell: “Natalie, if you don’t beat Brett, I will rape you. Just kidding! I’m going to rape you anyway.”

Just as I’m thinking this, Russell jokes that if Jaison can win two challenges, anyone can win immunity. He also says that if they start thinking that Brett’s unbeatable, then you psych yourself out and start thinking that you’re going into the ring with Mike Tyson. “He’s no Mike Tyson,” Russell says. “He’s Brett.” I don’t know how he does it, but he managed to make an ordinary name like Brett seem pathetic.

Before the immunity challenge begins, Russell tells Jeff that it is, in fact, still the Foa Foa Four against Brett. Brett says this is a motivator. That’s some weak smack talk, Brett. Anyway, the challenge is to run over some shit, grab some puzzle pieces, and solve the puzzle.

Russell uses his low center of gnome gravity to cruise along the balance beam and get back first, but everyone arrives to the puzzle board with their pieces in roughly the same time. Brett is clearly the fastest at assembling his puzzle, but Mick seems to be catching up, with Russell hot on both their heels. Alas, Brett wins again. Just for laughs, the editors show us Jaison’s puzzle, which looks like this:

Seriously, Jaison? I completed more of the puzzle just by looking at it through my TV!

Again, Jaison is USELESS. He peaked at calling out Ben on his racist comments, and then immediately became pathetic. Anyway, with Brett’s win, we are guaranteed to see our first Foa Foa member on the jury. This just calls attention to how utterly horrible Galu’s performance was – in fact, it was the worst post-merge performance by any tribe ever, I’d say. You have an eight-to-four advantage and you lose seven in a row? I still can’t get over how absurd that is.

Natalie approaches Russell to see what her situation is, and he assures her that he’s going to change Mick’s and Jaison’s minds to save her. “There’s no way she can beat me in votes,” Russell says, so it makes sense to bring her along.

Meanwhile, Brett is relaxing in the shelter with Jaison (who is whining about having to vote someone out, natch). Now would be the perfect time for Brett to try to convince Jaison to get rid of Russell, no? Of course, Brett doesn’t do this, because Brett is terrible at Survivor.

“Look at my stomach, ya’ll! I’m starving out here! If you don’t give me some food soon, the next thing I beat to death and cook over a fire will be Jaison.”

Russell is clearly torn, and he lays out his options: if he brings Jaison, he can’t beat Russell in front of the jury, but he also can’t beat Brett in the immunity challenge. But if he brings Mick, he could beat Brett in the challenge, but he also could beat Russell in front of the jury. Russell leaves his allies guessing by telling Jaison to get rid of Mick, and Mick to get rid of Jaison. Why are none of these idiots getting rid of Russell?! They just all do exactly what he says. INCLUDING Brett. They all should be embarrassed.

The jury all look ecstatic at seeing the immunity necklace on Brett’s neck. Shambo is all grins, and she’s probably too stupid to even realize she got backstabbed. When questioned, Brett says he’d rather have the stress the Foa Foa members have then have what he has to deal with. I get what he’s thinking, that if he slips up in one challenge he’s done, whereas those four can use strategy to maybe save themselves, but come on, Brett. You sound stupid. Russell, to his credit, is actually hilarious, joking, “How hard is it to be Foa Foa, though? … We’re still getting beat by Galu, and only one of them is here!”

Everyone votes. Jaison votes for Mick, everyone else votes for Jaison. Goodbye, Jaison. Now you have something new to whine about forever.

“You think just because I can’t talk on the jury panel that I can’t still annoy you, America? WRONG!”

Back at camp, there’s a HILARIOUS moment, in which Brett high-fives Mick, Brett high-fives Russell, and then Russell goes for a high-five from Mick and gets DENIED:

Russell: “I’m cool, too, guys! Don’t leave me hanging! Aww, shucks.”

The next morning, Russell again shows how he’s the only person playing this game, and covers all his bases by making his last Final Two deal with Brett, just in case Brett wins immunity. Russell feeds him some bullshit about wanting to beat the best so he would take Brett, and Brett seems to totally buy into it.

And now more Tree Mail and – oh, fuck no. Time to go on the Walk of Remembrance, AKA the worst part of every season. It’s going to be especially painful this season, seeing as there were like 50 people. The most memorable part of the stupid Walk is when they get to Ben the Racist’s torch, and Mick says, “This idiot had no idea how to play the game socially. I wasn’t sorry to see him go.” Ben, for his part, remains classy by saying that if they really had to survive on the island, he would have killed everyone. “Especially the Negroes,” I assume he added.

Oh, there’s also Ashley, the other blonde from Foa Foa, who I should mention went to high school with my cousin. An ex-boyfriend apparently sent her a video of himself masturbating, which then circulated around their high school. See? This is why you read MSR, for the JUICY gossip about people who placed 15th in some random season of Survivor.

Damnit, we’ve reached awful Laura, who manages to mention the fact that she’s a grandma THREE times in her 30-second clip. Check out this amazing quote: “Even at my age, even being a grandma. I’m totally re-stereotyping the grandma. You can’t beat this grandma!” SHUT UP. I hate you for many things (not least of which that you forced me to side with Shambo), but that quote is near the top of the list.

Other notable things: John condescendingly (and rightly) calls the rest of his tribe “idiots who can’t process things;” Russell calls Monica “the fakest person here;” and Jaison’s montage is literally him whining, complaining, moping, and looking exhausted, which basically sums up his entire game.

“Bask in my beauty. BASK IN IT.”

Time for the final immunity challenge! This is actually a really intense little challenge. Have we ever had a situation like this, where if one person wins the challenge will for SURE win the million dollars? I’m on the edge of my seat, praying for anyone but Brett to win. Basically, they have to balance a statue on top of a pole that will grow longer every couple minutes.

The challenge really heats up once Mick and Natalie drop out, and we’re down to just Russell and Brett. Jeff tells them that they’re holding six feet of wood (something which he reportedly has a lot of experience with, if you know what I mean). Anyway, the wind picks up, making things even more intense, and Russell’s statue slides toward the edge of the pole. But then Brett loses somehow! Yaaaaay!

Russell’s ego immediately goes into overdrive, and he proclaims that he just won a million dollars. I actually have to agree. No one played the game like him. The jury can’t be THAT bitter, can they?

Russell: “This is the second best moment of my life, after that time I stole some kid’s pocket change and punched him in the face.”

There’s some misdirection, with Russell talking about keeping Brett because he wants to beat the best and prove he’s the best Survivor ever, but it’s obvious what’s going to happen, so let’s just go to Tribal Council.

Jeff seems like he’s kind of pushing for Brett to stay, even getting Russell to say that Brett deserves to go up in front of the jury. Mick and Natalie basically talk directly to Russell and tell him how stupid it is to take Brett. Everyone votes, Brett goes home. Erik mutters what we’re all thinking: “Wow. They did it.” Congratulations, Galu. You are all officially terrible at this game. In fact, I’m going to be so bold as to declare Russell the best Survivor ever. He manipulated everyone. He did better than Rob Cesternino, or Rob Mariano, or Richard Hatch, or Tom Westman, or anyone else. He controlled the game from start to finish, and never lost control once.

Russell, however, seems to know this, and gets very cocky at camp, declaring himself “another millionaire.” Natalie is smart enough to recognize that this is probably strategy, as he’s just trying to get in their heads before going in front of the jury. She also points out that her strategy was not to be a strong woman, because she saw Marisa and Betsy go early for being just that. Could Natalie present an actual challenge to Russell in front of the jury? Sounds like she’s built up a pretty good case for herself!

I have nothing sarcastic to say. I just thought after so many pictures of disgusting Russell, it would be nice to give you such a pleasant view for a change.

We sit through the usual last day stuff: talking about eating and brushing teeth, burning everything, etc. etc. Before we get to proceedings at the final Tribal Council, Jeff points out something unique about this season: all the final people standing voted out every single person on the jury. So everyone is even in that respect. But this just makes it even more obvious to me that these two simply followed Russell’s every wish throughout the whole game.

Jeff lets the three of them give their opening statements, and Mick’s is terrible. Absolutely awful. He talks about how moral he was and how he’s so nice and ethical. Morality doesn’t enter into Survivor at all, Mick. The jury looks as baffled as me, and Mick just lost the game.

Natalie gives a good speech about how she came out here with everyone thinking she couldn’t do it, but gained confidence. The small-girl-who-made-it-to-the-end argument always wins a few votes for the million, but is it enough to get her at least five votes?

Russell gives a great speech, in which he lays out exactly what happened throughout the entire game, and how he was behind it all. He describes how he got rid of the women in his tribe who questioned him, swung Shambo to his side, found idols, convinced John to turn on Laura, and ultimately defeated Brett. He closes with this awesome declaration: “If either one of these outwitted me, give them the money. If either one of these outplayed me, give them the game. But you know what? I don’t think they have.” Again, forgive me for being so obvious with my love for Russell, but the man is damn good.

“And after I win Survivor, I might fire all my employees, just for the fun of seeing them all go bankrupt!”

And then the questions start, and the jury reminds us why they all got outsmarted: THEY ARE COMPLETE IDIOTS.

First, Jaison just has the three of them tell the jury how much money they have, which levels the playing field and negates the “who needs it?” argument. I don’t really know what the point of this was, but as far as the next few questions go, it was one of the better questions this season.

Because following Jaison is none other than Shambo! She first apologizes to America for dismantling Galu (but doesn’t apologize to America for subjecting us to herself for an entire season). She then starts on Mick, declaring his gameplay “feckless.” Mick doesn’t know what the word is, so, alas, Shambo’s point kind of falls flat. But for the record, feckless IS a word, and it’s a pretty apt one to describe Mick’s game (although it’s as apt – if not moreso – for describing Shambo’s gameplay, too). Then she turns to Natalie and says, “The word that’s resonating in my mind – it starts with a C. Can you finish it?” Natalie lets Shambo finish the word instead, and it’s not the word we’re all thinking (although probably most of us are thinking it about Shambo rather than Natalie), but it’s “coattails.” However, Natalie just reiterates her “strong women got targeted” argument, which seems to be her one indication of any strategic thinking.

Shambo doesn’t buy Natalie’s defense, or as she obnoxiously says: “I’m calling major B.S. on the sentence you just hit me with. I’m, like, cracking up inside like you have idea.” Shut up, Shambo. Get off the stage. You are an idiot. She then declares that Russell will be getting her vote.

Brett stands up and reveals that his transformation into Shaggy from Scooby Doo is now complete:

“Did you guys see that?! I think it was a g-g-g-ghost!”

Staying with the trend of idiotic questions, Brett asks Mick what they would do on their “bro-date.” Mick says he would wake him up with whispering sweet nothings in his ear and a little tickle on the nose, but then things regrettably get less gay and they just talk about sports and eat food all day. Brett explains that the question was to see how much Mick bonded with him. What the fuck? This made no sense.

Kelly tells Natalie that she doesn’t think she ever played the game, but Natalie says she’s given it 100% (she wins bonus points from me for not using the nonsense reality show cliche “110%”). Kelly rolls her eyes at Monica on the jury, which makes these two just come across as jealous Mean Girls. Kelly asks Russell if he’s this way in real life, and Russell says he’s completely different and hopes his kids don’t think he’s this way. He says instead of, “Lie, cheat, and steal,” he values, “Honor, integrity, and loyalty.” Kelly refuses to believe this. These really are some petty, stupid people, huh?

Monica says she wants to see passion tonight, and asks Mick why Russell and Natalie don’t deserve the money. Wow, Monica is officially the first sensible jury member! Mick gives a good answer by saying Natalie followed Russell to the end, and that Russell is a huge bastard who played everyone. However, Russell interjects and says that Mick also did bad things and would high-five him after Russell did all the backstabbing. This starts a petty little fight about whether or not Mick actually high-fived Russell. I would normally scoff at something this stupid, but let me present EXHIBIT A:

As much as I like Russell, this proves that MICK NEVER HIGH-FIVED RUSSELL. Point, Mick.

Dave’s up, and he just asks what they think their chances are. Mick says 20%, Natalie says 30%, and Russell says 55%. Well, that was stupid, huh? These really are some of the worst jury questions ever.

Oh, fuck, speaking of. Laura’s up. This is guaranteed to be awful. She asks Russell, “What did you learn about me that enabled you to beat me?” Russell answers correctly by boosting her ego and saying that if he didn’t get rid of her, he has no doubt she would be sitting in front of the jury now. So all Laura wanted was a fucking compliment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“So my question is: Can you believe I’m a grandma?!”

John’s up, and he asks Mick for the hard sell, to argue why he should win. Mick says he’s got the best character of all three finalists, that he doesn’t treat people like pawns, and that he deserves the money because he’s the biggest “stand-up dude.” Natalie once again says all the aggressive females left so she played dumb, but John says she’s not showing the jury the strategic thinking they were hoping for from her.

And then Erik steps up and – spoiler alert! – wins the whole game for Natalie with a huge, dramatic, kind of awesome speech. He first says that Mick had the leadership necklace but never once showed leadership in 39 days. “You did nothing,” he asserts. He then tells Russell that it’s crazy that someone got to the “right place” by behaving the “wrong way.”

Then he gets to Natalie, and really lets loose. In a good way, though. He says it’s insane that Russell gets a free pass because he embraces what an asshole he was, but Natalie’s “wrong way of playing” is admonished by the jury because she’s perceived as “weak.” He gets reeeeaaally super dramatic and actually starts yelling at and pointing to the jury, saying, “PERCEPTION IS NOT REALITY.” He ends this overdramatic (but fairly effective) speech by saying to Natalie, “You would say that you are the least deserving of the title of Sole Survivor. But maybe, just maybe, in an environment with arrogance [pointing at Russell], and delusional entitlement [hilariously pointing at Mick], maybe the person who thinks she’s least deserving, is the most deserving. You got my vote, I hope you get four more. Congratulations.”

This speech actually brings Natalie to tears, and I honestly believe sways at least four other people to vote for her. Speaking of, it’s voting time! We see Erik vote for “Ratalie,” (he’s referencing her killing the rat, even though it sounds like a terrible insult), and Shambo voting for “Russel,” which means poor Mick doesn’t even get one vote.

“If you criticize my douchey fashion choices, I will force you to watch me stab your wife.”

Jeff strolls through the forests of Samoa with the votes, which is apparently just a short walk away from a sound stage in Los Angeles. Who else misses the days where he would do ridiculous things like hang out of helicopters or (my personal favorite) jet ski across the Pacific Ocean to bring us to the live show? He better go real nuts for Season 20.

Anyway, Natalie doesn’t even look like herself, Mick looks fat (but is probably actually a perfectly healthy weight, but the difference is shocking), and Russell not only gained his old belly back, but also apparently dresses like a horrible douchebag in real life. It should also be noted that Natalie and Mick are smiling and laughing, but Russell is not smiling at ALL. He never smiles once. He’s so serious about this, it’s insane.

After four votes, we’re tied with two votes for Russell, and two votes for Natalie. And then Natalie just goes ahead and gets five more votes and shockingly wins seven to two. I am in shock. Russell looks like he considers strangling her rather than hugging her, but thankfully no one is murdered.

“Wait, ya’ll, did I win? What’s going on? I thought someone named Ratalie got a vote. My head hurts.”

So that’s the end of Survivor: Samoa. Love him or hate him, Russell saved this from being one of the most boring seasons ever, but it definitely was the worst jury decision in Survivor history, as far as I’m concerned.

The reunion is kind of stupid. Basically, Russell has tears in his eyes the whole time and is miserable, he offers Natalie $100,000 for the title of Sole Survivor (and then actually wins $100,000 from the fans), Ben and Yasmin hug to show he’s not a racist (but he probably still is), Brett looks like an old lesbian, Laura mentions several times that she’s a grandma, Betsy adorably tells Jeff that she sweats every time he says her name, and the next season (Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains) is previewed with a few memorable clips from previous seasons, including one that suggests Coach will be returning in all his glory. Here’s hoping Survivor 20 provides more exciting characters than Survivor 19.

So, what did you think? Do you agree this is the worst jury decision ever? Did Natalie deserve it more than Russell? Do you hate Laura and Shambo as much as I do? Who do you think will be returning as a Hero or a Villain? Who do you want or not want to see come back (please, Rob, not Shambo)?

T-bag | 12.21.09 | Filed in Recaps,Survivor Samoa