Lost; our story so far. Part 1

So I was going to write a big Lost post on how we got to where we are and realized that even after seeing every episode and writing detailed recaps of them, even I get confused when I look back and try to piece it all together. Widmore is mad because of what? Why was there a freighter? It’s all so damn confusing.

Well, since there are innumerable recaps of the show so far, and you can always peruse my fabulous recaps here on the site by clicking here, I thought I’d crystallize it for you, in somewhat of a chronological order. Call it a condensed Lost recap.

So like, a hundred and fifty years ago, we find out that this dude Jacob who can’t die and this other dude are on an island and they hate each other. Their either gods, or ghosts, or some sort of scientology like meta thetan from the planet Teegeack. And the island is this special place that has powers, and can move around if you turn some old wheel. Anyways, this one dude Jacob who lives underneath a big Egyptian statue with 4 toes:

lost-statue

is convinced that humanity is worth saving, or something. The other dude is all like “no way man, have you seen Jersey shore? They’re all douchebags”. So they constantly have a bet to see who is right. Jacob thinks he can get the right group of people on the super powerful island, put them to this other dudes “test” and prove that humanity is more than just TMZ and Saw movies. Well long story short, he never really wins the bet, but he keeps trying. Sure the guys he brought over from the Black Rock failed, but the next group will be better! Also, the other dude says he will totally kill Jacob one day because he hates his guts. But since he cant do it himself hell figure out a way to trick someone else into doing it. And hes also learning how to turn into a smoke monster and pretend to be other people. Everyone needs a hobby.

lost-jacob-nemesis
Oh my god, I fucking hate you.”

LOSTs-Jacob
“Fuck you.”

lost-jacob-nemesis
“Fuck you, infinity times infinity.”

LOSTs-Jacob
“Fuck you, you smoke monstery prick.”

lost-jacob-nemesis
“Fffffffuuuuuuuuccckkkkkkk yyyoooouuuuuuuuuuuu.”

So cut forward to the 50’s, and this guy Jacob has built somewhat of a following of people on the island. Some of them are swarthy Italian men who don’t age. Exhibit A:

Anyways, one of the followers, named Widmore, is kind of a dick and gets kicked off the island. More on him later. They also kill a bunch of army guys who came on the island to test a nuclear bomb. Then they bury the bomb, all while being visited by Locke who’s all time traveling and shit.

So since Locke time traveled, the swarthy other guy is all like, “damn, this dude may be all powerful, even though he’s got man titties. Lets keep tabs on him as he grows up”. But before that they kick the Widmore dude out of the others and banish him from the island for being a grade A a-hole.

So now it’s the mid sixties and this dude figures out a way to find the island from the lamp post station. So they get a bunch of people from the Hanso corporation, which is run by this guy Alvar Hanso, and move to the island to start testing out all the crazy shit that goes on there. Like, “what if we brought polar bears?”. Anyways the end up building a bunch of stations all over the island. So the others, led by swarthy guy, are pissed and like “this is our island, we were here first” so they start this war and fight each other. Then in August 1973, DHARMA and the Others agreed to a Truce where they have specific boundaries. Dharma does there lame experiments, and the others pray to their huge statue of Ra, or something.

They also are working to alter this equation written by a guy named Valenzetti that predicted the end of the world. The equation was 4 8 15 16 23 42. They set up a station to broadcast those numbers until they figure out a way to change them. I guess so others from outside the island (they can come and go from the island) can keep tabs on its progress or something.

Then in the mid 70’s a bunch of time travelers show up and become part of the Dharma initiative, they then go all whackdoo and they may or may not detonated a nuclear bomb (to be explained tonight, hopefully).

What happens when the bomb goes off we don’t know, but from that point forward it is referred to as “the incident” by Dharmaites, and referenced in various training films. (My theory, the bomb went off and kicked the Losties out of time while everyone else in the 70’s went on their merry way)

In 1988, some French people on a science boat shipwrecked on the island. This chick Danielle is the only one that survives, and she finds the station broadcasting the numbers and changes it to a distress signal.

Then this dude Ben Linus, who was shot by one of the time traveling people, grows up as a Dharma but is secretly wanting to be an other. So in 1992 he gets his chance and kills his father and every other Dharma person with poison gas. Then he dumps them in a mass grave. Problem solved!

Well, it seems that after the purge, there were still a few Dharmaites left way down this hatch hitting a button every 108 minutes. Radzinsky and Kelvin. Well after about ten years of that Radzinsky kills himself and Kelvin is the only one left to hit the button. Which sucks. Luckily for him in 2001 this guy Desmond, who’s sailing around the world to impress the girl he loves whose father is a douchebag, The very same douchebag named Widmore, who is now a grown up former Other who is rich and trying to figure out a way to find the island since he wants to use its super powers to make him richer.

Kelvin convinces Desmond to help him with the button, while Kelvin is secretly fixing Desmond’s boat so he can get the hell of the island and stick Desmond with sole button duty. Well, Desmond finds out, they get into a fight and Kelvin hits his head and dies. During all this he remembers he has to get back to the station and punch in the numbers. Well, he almost doesn’t make it as everything goes nuts and a whole electromagnetic pulse gets lose before he finishes the sequence. This causes a plane flying overhead nearby to get caught up in it and it crashes on the island.

This is Flight 815.

Now, while all this other shit has been going down, Jacob, who lives under a big statue on the island, has been getting a list together of people he thinks will be worthy for his test with smoke monster guy. He visited them when they were kids and selected them and figured out a way, with his Jacoblike powers, to have them all get on that flight 815.

Voila! Now we are at episode one of Lost.

To be continued in part 2…..

EdHill | 02.02.10 | Filed in Lost,Recaps

 
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