Remember when I used to recap stuff? Me neither. But it’s just like riding a bicycle, right? You take a few drinks, hop on the bicycle, start pedaling, and then write some half-assed jokes that only you find funny. But my love for Survivor is unparalleled by anything else in my life, so I obviously have to recap this, Survivor’s 20th and biggest season ever. I think it’s apt to steal a quote from Colby: “It takes a little bit to get back into the rhythm of Survivor before you go, ‘Alright, I remember this. It’s going to be miserable.’ ” I’ve got the same feeling about recapping this season, Colby. Anyway, let’s try to hack away at this two hour behemoth.

The episode has a really dramatic opening, with footage of tribes fighting (or people in tribal costumes paid by Mark Burnett to yell and shake spears), World War II guns firing, and skeletons literally exploding into balls of flames. Well that’s not over-the-top at all (but totally appreciated – I’ve always said Survivor needs more skeletons exploding into flames). There’s also a little retrospective look back at past Survivor locations, which are basically all a bunch of islands that look the same and then a quick shot of the Great Wall of China.

Ooh, here come some helicopters! And close-up shots of some iconic Survivor players’ symbols to tease us: A Boston baseball cap! A dragon tattoo! I’m already quivering with excitement. Oh, fuck, a tie-dyed shirt. I forgot we have to deal with Rupert’s ego again. Anyway, Jeff’s voice-over gives us the premise: “These are ten of your favorite heroes versus ten of the most notorious villains.” Really? What did Sugar do that was so heroic? I don’t remember Hercules bursting into tears every time someone looked at him wrong. And Danielle and Candice? Who are these people? Whatever, I guess every season needs its pawns.

Coach is the first to speak, announcing that this season it’s “slay everyone, trust no one.” I do love me some Coach, but the Dragon Slayer stuff is going to get a little bit old if he keeps bringing it up. Oh, and Tom Westman from Palau is back, and he immediately says what’s on all of our minds: he’s fat now. Seriously, here’s a comparison:

Old Tom.

New Tom. (Wah waaaah.)

Some other quick impressions: Boston Rob says that these idiots should get rid of him first, but they obviously won’t. I think he’s right. Colby is 10 years older, but he’s aged like a fine wine, if I’m allowed to get all gay on you for a minute (expect this to happen every time Colby is on screen). Oh, and Sandra from Pearl Islands is back! She’s pretty awesome to watch because she’s such a horrible bitch to people. And, of course, the one I want to win this whole thing to atone for getting so horribly screwed in Micronesia: Cirie! She even has the quote of the night, calling herself “a gangsta in an Oprah suit.” Please let this woman win.

The opening credits are basically a parade of jiggling man-pecs and lady-boobs. This is Mark Burnett’s greatest gift to America. Back on the helicopters, Coach is doing some obnoxious flexing (or is he shooting invisible arrows? Fuck it, I’m not going to try to delve into his mind) and saying that there’s a level of excitement coarsing through everybody’s veins, “Especially mine.” Nope, not an ego in sight in this season. Surprisingly, Russell isn’t exhibiting his ego – although it’s only a matter of seconds, I fear – instead saying he’s actually starstruck by Rob and Parvati. Weird that he’s being sort of humble here. It’s natural for me to not believe his humility and assume he’s somehow trying to trick me through my television so he can cut my throat. (I should probably issue this disclaimer: I’m a Russell fan. I think he’s one of the best ever. Deal with it.)

The heroes are unloaded from their helicopters first, and then the villains are let out. As the villains land, their helicopters blow sand all over the heroes, forcing them all to be mildly uncomfortable for a few moments. Ooh, these villains are already so mean and evil, I just can’t stand it! Also, the villain theme music is so over the top, with angry chanting and rattlesnake noises. It makes even Danielle seem so much more eeeeeeevil. Last we saw Jerri, she was storming out of the All Stars’ reunion show after being booed by the audience, and five years later she’s still in denial: “I’m the original villainness of Survivor, and I’ve got to tell you, I fell like Mother Teresa with these people.”

Ugh, I agree with Jeff when he calls Survivor the “greatest adventure game in the history of television,” but it comes across as so annoying when you’re saying it on the show you’re talking about. This is unbecoming, Jeff. Save it for Tyra.

Jeff Probst: Still America’s dorkiest host.

Jeff spends a few minutes reminiscing with the Survivors, calling out Rupert as one of the most popular of all time and saying that in Colby’s heydey he was so popular people were naming their kids after him. Jeff asks if anyone thinks they’re on the wrong side, and predictably most of the villains raise their hands. Jerri, however, doesn’t, and she even points out her black hat in contrast to Colbys white hat. Then Jeff asks, “Anyone here willing to admit that the sheer size of James does make them take pause for a moment?” Is it just me, or is that a really weird question to ask out of nowhere? Can we just get to the first reward challenge? This is getting uncomfortable.

The first challenge is for flint, obviously, and the tribes will be squaring off in pairs to wrestle to get a bag buried under the sand back to their mats. Basically, this is just an excuse for lots of violence and nipple blurring. And I couldn’t be happier.

I wonder why this show is still so popular…

The first showdown is Stephenie and Cirie versus Parvati and Danielle. Cirie finds the bag and is pounced on by Parvati, but Cirie just shoves her straight to the ground. Stephenie and Danielle start wrestling over the bag, and Cirie is just CRUSHING PEOPLE. Parvati grabs Stephenie by the arms and pulls them back. Now, Stephenie has a bad shoulder, which I assume Courtney knows about because she yells, “Break her shoulder!” Danielle eventually wins the first point for the villains, but Stephenie’s shoulder was actually dislocated! What follows is a horrifying little sequence in which her shoulder is popped back into place with a terrible added bone-cracking sound effect. Thanks, Survivor editors.

The next round is Amanda and JT versus Randy and Jerri. Jerri finds it, but she’s pounced on. Meanwhile, JT grabs Randy and tries to rape him, for no real reason. Seriously, if they were naked there would be insertion. Jeff embarrasses himself by yelling, “That’s some country right there!” I hate when Jeff tries to be all slangy. Anyway, JT just grabs the bag and runs to score because JT is awesome and Randy sucks.

The third round is Colby and Tom versus Coach and Russell. Coach hangs back to watch rather than helping to dig. Russell finds the bag and makes a break for it, but is leveled by an AMAZING tackle by Colby. I think in that moment Colby once again reclaimed his title as America’s Hero by slamming Russell face-first into the sand.

Cowboys are notoriously good at gnome-wrasslin’.

This devolves into a really weird pile of dudes, all of whom are like 45, so this isn’t really that pleasurable to watch. It’s very reminiscent of this famous South Park moment:

Colby eventually makes a run for it, but Coach wraps his arms around Colby. So Colby crawls towards the mats, with Coach’s hands planted firmly in Colby’s genital region. And Coach has a huge smile on his face, for some reason. Colby wears himself out dragging Coach back to the mats, so then Coach takes over and drags Colby over to the villains’ mat to win the point. Tyson chimes in (finally) and says, “Colby getting owned by Coach — oh my gosh, dude. I can only imagine what Colby’s thinking. He’s got to be like, ‘I may as well just become a woman, because there’s no point on trying to maintain my masculinity now.’ ”

With his hand tucked firmly alongside Colby’s scrotum, the Dragon Slayer finally achieves Nirvana.

I couldn’t resist posting this image.

The next round is Sugar and Candice versus Sandra and Courtney. Courtney finds it, but Candice grabs it and runs, but doesn’t get far before Courtney throws Candice to the ground. Who knew Courtney could do something physical without snapping in half? Sandra’s just fucking bitches up left and right, at one point literally grabbing Sugar’s face and shoving her to the ground. Candice throws the bag to Sugar, but Sugar is immediately tackled by Sandra, as the bag flies loose. Everyone is tied up as the bag just sits there in the middle of the sand, and then, for no reason at all except for pure awesomeness, Sandra undoes Sugar’s bra. Sugar, however, just rips free of her bra, grabs the bag, and sprints to the mat topless. She then turns around and gives the villains the finger, topless. When did Sugar get so badass? Oh, and Sandra also throws Sugar’s bra to the side, just to be even more of an evil bitch.

The final round is James and Rupert versus Tyson and Boston Rob. Tyson, of course, doesn’t disappoint in the comedy department, by sporting a miniscule pair of leopard print underwear. This dude’s a Mormon, right? How can someone so awesome believe someone so crazy like Joseph Smith? Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves – James wins this challenge for the heroes in about 10 seconds. Oh, also Rupert’s toe is broken in two places. Awesome fights, two injuries, a topless Sugar? I nominate this for best first challenge ever. And what a way to start out the season!

The villains arrive at camp, where they are greeted by way too many supplies, in my opinion. Aren’t these guys some of the best? Why are they allowed to start out with fishing supplies? Within a couple minutes, this already turns back into the Russell Show. Almost all the confessionals at the villain camp are from Russell and about him. Basically, he has a lot to prove because he says he’s the best and he needs to beat these people to show everyone he’s right. We’ll see about that, but considering this season was filmed before Samoa had ever aired, he has a pretty good shot at not being targeted.

Right off the bat, Russell gets up to his old tricks, starting a second Dumbass Girl Alliance. First off is Danielle, who’s the obvious choice for him. He offers her a final two deal, and she agrees. And from her confessionals, it seems like she actually trusts him. Then he goes to Parvati and offers her the same thing. However, assuming Parvati is another “dumbass girl” will probably be his downfall, if anything. Parvati didn’t get her million by being an idiot, and she sees right through him: “I clearly know that Russell is running around and talking to everyone and telling everyone the same thing, but we can either work with each other or against each other. And I do not want to work against him, are you kidding? … I definitely feel like I’m making a deal with the Devil. But I want the Devil on my side.”

“You’re real purdy, lady. Can I touch ya’lls hairs?”

On to things more pleasant: heroes! Sugar immediately puts her foot in her mouth by singling out Tom and Rupert as “the two oldest men.” I don’t really know why. They decide on a location for their shelter and get to work like the heroic team they are, with James pushing trees over with his bare hands like he always does. And then, out from the jungle steps what I can only assume is Shambo’s chicken – and three others! Tom and Colby grab their fishing net (again, why were these all stars given a fishing net?!) and manage to catch all the chickens. These heroes are obviously working well together.

“It was foretold that the humans would return! The mulletted one said so!”

However, the villains are bonding over things much more evil, as they sit around the fire and laugh about Rupert’s broken toe. Then everyone starts laughing about Coach kicking Colby’s ass, and Coach says in confessional that the tribe is still talking about it, “long after I’d forgotten about it.” Yeah, I’m sure you had totally forgotten about it, Coach. You NEVER like to brag.

And then things get shocking and awesome – Jerri and Coach start snuggling! Go figure, Jerri’s suddenly in love with the guy who kicked Colby’s ass. The next morning, Russell and Parvati are telling Coach to hook up with Jerri, and Courtney and Sandra are doing the same on Jerri’s end. Courtney jokes, “I’m setting you up with Coach, what’s the problem?” and then says that she suspects Jerri’s “a little bit in love with the Dragon Slayer.” Jerri and Coach step aside and agree to keep their relationship under wraps out of fear of becoming targets. This is amazing. I love the idea of these two falling in love and taking over the game, like some awful, twisted version of Rob and Amber. Coach and Jerri, who would have ever predicted this?

At the heroes’ camp, people finally start strategizing, with JT making an alliance with James. Colby talks with Candice in the jungle, asking her, “Do you know any of these players?” Are you KIDDING me? Colby may be ridiculously handsome, but he’s also ridiculously stupid. You didn’t think to Google any of these people or maybe watch some of their highlight reels before you came to the island? Candice actually has to fill him in on the relationship between Cirie, James, and Amanda, as well as Tom and Stephenie. Colby even says, “I don’t know anything about her,” about Cirie. He is so, so fucked. This is humiliating for him.

Amanda and Cirie sneak off to talk strategy, and my money is on these two taking over the game AGAIN. Cirie even jokes, “Target, target, target, Micronesia target!” Tom and Steph also rekindle their old alliance, but Tom doesn’t want to sit next to Stephenie at the end because she’ll win, so he makes a final two agreement with JT, since they’re both winners. JT is already playing a different game than last time, as he’s clearly making alliances with everyone. But still, that million dollar thing (as well as being the only Survivor to never get a vote cast against him AND to win unanimously) is kind of a huge target on his forehead. I also suspect Tom and JT just made an alliance based on the fact that they used to be studs and now they’re just fat.

Back with the villains, Rob is pissed off because there are a lot of lazy people. Also, Randy thinks it’s pointless to even try to make fire without flint. But there’s a reason Rob is synonymous with God around these parts, because Rob makes fire in about two minutes by rubbing two sticks together. Seriously, is there anything this guy can’t do? Once again, he’s proving he’s the best ever. Everyone is in awe, and poor Jerri is shoved to the side as Coach gushes all over Rob. He’s got a massive dragon boner for Rob right now.

Little known fact: Rob can literally convince a pile of twigs to spontaneously combust.

Rupert can’t fish with his broken toe, so he decides to focus on making fire. Unfortunately, he’s a bit of an idiot, as he scrapes away half the magnesium and gets nothing. Cirie wants someone else to do it, but “you don’t want to say anything … because his ego is so humongous .” And then JT steps in and obviously makes fire immediately because he’s basically Captain America. Rupert looks on like the saddest giant in the whole world.

Time for some comic relief! Rob wants to climb a tree to get some palm fronds, but he realizes Amber would kill him if he got hurt for no reason, so he uses Coach’s inflated ego to manipulate him into climbing the tree. What follows is a pretty funny sequence in which Coach tries to impress Rob as Rob yells, “Get your ass up that tree!” while sitting next to Sandra, ridiculing Coach the whole time. Coach claims his relationship with Rob is like “iron sharpening iron,” because he is an idiot. Meanwhile, it seems like Sandra and Rob are striking up a bit of an alliance, which I really like. Also, Coach gives up but tries to make it as if he is still somehow victorious.

It’s night time at the heroes’ camp, and Sugar is cold and lonely and eyeing Colby. Things get really weird (in a Lydia/Jessie on Big Brother way), where Sugar just forces her way into Colby’s arms, waking up everyone in the process. Then she hilariously tries to flirt with him as he’s basically passed out, asking his unconscious body, “Is that a satellite or a shooting star?” This is painful to watch, but I should note that this would probably be me if I was on the island with Colby. The poor guy even goes as far as to move to sit by the fire, but she follows and sleeps at his feet like a puppy. And now Colby officially wants Sugar voted out ASAP.

The next morning, James and Colby decide to kill the rooster because it’s worthless – or, as James puts it, the chickens are useful because they can lay eggs, which he hilarious refers to as a “gimmick.” JT just twists the rooster’s head right off, which is sort of shocking to see on TV. Suck it, PETA!

Challenge time! I’m not going to bother to explain the rules, because it’s insanely convoluted. Basically there’s some paddling and puzzle-building and ladder-climbing. Jeff asks the tribes how it’s going. The heroes are doing great, but Rob says the villains’ shelter is terrible. “It’s not that bad,” chimes in Coach, but everyone else insists that it is actually terrible. Jeff makes fun of Coach for being able to withstand anything, but reminds him that mortals prefer to be a bit more comfortable. Poor Coach just can’t catch a break from anyone, huh?

I love that the villains built their fire in the most twisted, knobby tree trunk on the island, like some sort of evil lair. Spoooooky.

The challenge gets underway, and the villains immediately fall far behind, as they’re still arranging their “puzzle boat” (whatever that is) while the heroes are already halfway through the paddling phase. Jeff makes fun of Coach AGAIN, yelling, “Coach leading the tribe of villains, using all of that life experience in a kayak,” which is a pretty funny reference to Coach’s infamous captured-by-natives-while-kayaking-the-Amazon story.

The heroes get back to shore, and Amanda, Cirie, Rupert, and Sugar get to work on an extremely difficult-looking puzzle. Rob, once again smarter than everyone, takes the time to study the heroes’ puzzle. Finally, the villains get back to shore and Rob and Sandra work on the puzzle while Jerri and Randy just kind of hang out. The heroes can’t figure the puzzle out at all, while Rob and Sandra are tearing through it. Amanda and Cirie even have to start over from the beginning, completely blowing their lead. Rob and Sandra finish the puzzle, and the villains win immunity.

Jerri embraces her villainous nature by dressing like a Communist.

Aaand Sugar starts crying. I guess we shouldn’t make fun of her so much as admire the fact that she made it an hour and a half into this episode before losing it. Colby wants Sugar gone because she’s having a breakdown already, and because she’s treating his crotch like it’s a fucking hunk of solid gold (which, let’s face it, it probably is).

Back at camp, the villains start dissecting the heroes’ dynamics. Sandra points out all the pre-existing alliances – Tom and Stephenie, and Cirie, James, and Amanda. Parvati pipes up to say that she doubts those three will work together, but that’s obviously because she’s a part of that alliance as well. And then, before we cut to the heroes, we get the BEST PART OF THE EPISODE: a random, quick shot of Russell and Coach playing on a makeshift see-saw!

Damn those villains and their evil see-saws of doom!

The heroes are considerably less happy, and Sugar is the first to throw a name out there, suggesting that Amanda should go. She has the right idea, in breaking up the all-powerful Micronesia alliance, but she’s suggesting this to Cirie – an INTEGRAL FIGURE IN THE MICRONESIA ALLIANCE. This does not bode well for Sugar.

Colby and JT want Sugar out because she’s weak, and everyone quickly agrees to vote Sugar. But then Tom points out that Cirie is one of the best ever (this is news to Colby because he’s retarded). Uh oh, I love Tom but he has to go if he’s targeting Cirie. Tom is spearheading a little anti-Cirie movement with Colby, JT, and Stephenie. But Cirie isn’t an idiot. She knows she’s a target, so she argues that they shouldn’t waste a vote on Sugar. Sugar’s not going to win the game – Stephenie and Tom easily could. Plus, if Sugar’s annoying people, why not keep her around so she’s a target?

At this point, my stomach is in KNOTS. Cirie can’t leave this early! Cirie and Amanda try to decide between voting Stephenie or Sugar. Stephenie will help them win challenges, but Sugar isn’t a threat at all. Boy, I have really missed watching Cirie play Survivor. She sure is something to behold.

Tribal Council time! I’m so nervous. Oh, and Tribal Council is like 40 feet off the ground in a tree fort. This is awesome, because now the person voted out can be carried off to their final confessional by a group of Ewoks.

Sidenote: Why is James wearing a denim jacket?

There’s not really a point to relating the questions Jeff asks. Everyone just basically admits that every single person in the game is a threat. The best part is when Jeff makes fun of Amanda for being terrible at Tribal Council, and James jokes that the answer she gives is the best answer she’s ever given at Tribal Council. Blah blah blah, more questions about the challenge they lost. Let’s get to this shit! Amanda gets one vote, Sugar gets the rest. Yay! If we had to lose someone, I’m glad it’s her.

But this is the dilemma with this season: I love almost all these people and don’t want any of them to be voted out! However, this episode set up the season to be quite amazing, from the first challenge to all the intriguing alliances and personalities. I really can’t wait until Thursday! Based on these first two hours, I wish this season would be aired in its entirety – 39 straight days of Survivor, non-stop.

Oh, also, next week, Rob dies:

What did you think? Best first challenge ever? Do you love the idea of Coach and Jerri, or does the thought of their offspring make your skin crawl? And with so many amazing players, who the hell is going to win?

T-bag | 02.13.10 | Filed in Recaps,Survivor Heroes vs Villains