Why I Hate Guy Fieri, episode 3,546

fieredoucheI hate Guy Fieri. He is symptomatic of the Food networks shift away from actual chefs and more towards “personalities” who have a rudimentary knowledge of how to boil water. That is how I describe Guy Fieri…

I hate his voice, his shitty hair, his shitty clothes, and his annoying “sunglasses on the back of his head” thing. His personality is abrasive, annoying, and obnoxious. His shows on food network highlight shit food. His “cooking show” shows him cooking shit food. He is a shameless whore, hawking all sorts of useless crap to cash on his temporary fame. He sells watches, shirts, bobble head dolls and yes, shitty ass cookbooks. His “food” is barely edible and includes things such as “Cajun Chicken Alfredo” Which is just Alfredo chicken with Paul Prudhommes spice mix thrown on top, or his “Cornbread stuffed meatloaf” which is just what you think it is.

And then there is “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”. Which has him traveling to shitty diners that serve shitty food and him gushing about how good it is, how “American” it is. Shit food is shit food. I enjoy shitty greasy cheese fries just like the next guy but I don’t put it in a goddamned pedestal the same way I don’t honor the random crap I put together for dinner on the days when there’s nothing left in the pantry (which is what all of his awful recies seem to remind me of).

So as if I needed evidence, here is another example.

Politico reports that Tonight Guy Fieri is supposedly going to be at a local Hill bar known as the Tune Inn. Now, I love the tune inn. It is a classic dive bar. This on a strip off Pennsylvania avenue that is full of bars like Hawk and Dove and Capitol Lounge. OK bars but full of 20 something Hill staffers chugging bad beer after their Wednesday bocce tournament games. THE Tune Inn however is different. It’s a true dive bar, where you’ll see the same guy with the handlebar mustache sitting in front every time. This also a favorite hangout of a handful of members of congress that appreciate a good dive bar. What’s even better is it has dirt cheap food. I’m talking dirt cheap for Willimantic CT, much less DC. The food of course is crap. Many people I know won’t even admit they even eat it. They got for the PBR on tap (I myself drink the Sierra Nevada since I am a beer snob).

So obviously since it’s a bar that serves awful food Guy will be there. I’m sure we’ll get the close up orgasm face as he eats a cheeseburger and then talks about how great it is. Let me clarify: it’s not great. It’s a 7 dollar cheeseburger that provides adequate calories to keep you from getting hungry. That’s about it.

EdHill | 05.05.10 | Filed in Food Network

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97 responses to “Why I Hate Guy Fieri, episode 3,546”

  1. gir says:

    Sadly, I used to hate him with the amount of vitriol that you do. But now…not so much. Here’s my story:

    He has a restuarant here in Sacto (that you would hate) called Tex Wasabi’s – BBQ and sushi in the same building. I hated the idea of it, and then I went with my co-workers for lunch once…and I begrudgingly admitted that it wasn’t half bad. I won’t begin to tell you some of the abominations on that menu – but I will say Gringo Sushi. That’s all you need to know.
    So we started to watch Triple-D, as it’s known around our house…and some of those places look pretty damn good to us. Esp every place he’s been to in Portland and Seattle. And he just did a Hawaii episode so we will be visiting one of those places when we go next month. So…we sort of watch him ironically, but with a bit of interest. We ignore his stupid catch-phrase and OMG those sunglasses are annoying. But, you gotta admit, he has a good TV personality.

  2. OD-TV says:

    “I hate his voice, his shitty hair, his shitty clothes, and his annoying “sunglasses on the back of his head” thing. His personality is abrasive, annoying, and obnoxious. His shows on food network highlight shit food. His “cooking show” shows him cooking shit food.” I am starting to get the feeling that you do not care for him.

  3. Lizardqueen says:

    Willimantic shout out! Haaaaaa-aaaaaay!!!

    Ok, back to bidniss. I’ll give you this one Ed. I agree, but still I sorta like him ‘cuz I sorta feel bad ‘cuz it’s obvious that lots of people must feel the way you do about him. To answer your question, yes, I would bang him, but A. It would be in sympathy and B. Who wouldn’t I bang?

    Here’s what I don’t get. You LOVE, LUST, DROOL, and JIZZ over that annoying asshole Alton Brown. He is the worst. I’d take two Guys, Duff’s laugh from Ace of Cakes, and a half a Rachael Ray over that phony, stammering, pedantic, did I already say phony, piece of crap “personality” any day.

    Love you!

  4. Firecat says:

    I take it you’re not a fan of “Minute to Win it” either.

    I’ve never watched anything with him, so I don’t know how he cooks or sounds….but I hate him just from looking at him.

  5. T-bag says:

    I agree with everything you wrote, Ed.

    And LQ, I also agree that Alton Brown is terrible, but not as bad as Guy Fieri. They’re both pompous douchebags with awful hair, but Guy Fieri is by far the worst television personality currently on the air. The only person that comes even close to him is Flo from the Progressive commercials. That psychotic bitch and her slathered-on lipstick with her dead eyes and her obvious thirst for human blood still doesn’t compare to the awfulness of Fieri.

  6. honeybunny says:

    He got his gigs by being the least sucky of The Next Food Network Star second go round. We could have had Reggie Southerland and his Soul Food crap.

    And – sorry LizziePoo but I am an Alton Fan. His thinning hair and Grandma Harley makes my Depends wet.


  7. EdHill says:

    Alton Brown cooks good food, and strives to teach you about its hiastory and how to cook it. Hes awesome. I would totally let him jizz all over me.

  8. EdHill says:

    Although im nota fan of the new skinny alton. Its disturbing loking.

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  10. A Jaded RN says:

    I loathe and detest everything about this asswipe.

    Alton on the other hand…

  11. gir says:

    I like Alton’s breaking down the science bit. The first time I ever attempted a pie it was AWESOME because I learned from Alton why it was important to use cold butter.
    I have learned nothing from Guy except “The Hunch”.

  12. Donna Martin Graduates! says:

    honeybunny — I dunno about him “being the least sucky of The Next Food Network Star second go round.”

    I thought the cute bald guy was pretty hot and cool and not at all annoying.

    Nice to learn I am not alone in my intense hatred for Fieri.

  13. Donna Martin Graduates! says:

    yes, and mad love for Alton tho I agree skinny Alton is disturbing viewing. Cannot deny the guy knows his shit.

  14. RachWho? says:

    I honestly could not agree more. Guy Fieri is a poser, douchebag asswipe who names food things like Slamma Jamma Parmigiana. Seriously. Just check this out for more of his heinous crimes against humanity: http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2009/08/dumb-guy-fieri-recipe-names/

    I used to have an intense love for Alton, but I think he’s gotten a big cocky in recent years and he scares me to look at. Having met him twice, though, I can say that he’s a really nice, intelligent person. His first few seasons of Good Eats are some of the best cooking education available, and certainly the best thing that channel has offered in at least a decade.

    I have almost no use for Food Network anymore, whatsoever. I wish they’d make a Food Network 2 where they played old classics. Two Hot Tamales anyone? The original Essence of Emeril (back when he was funny and not an obese moron)? A little Melting Pot as well (remember when Aaron Sanchez wasn’t a total asshole?) PBS cooking shows are my food education of choice. Lydia Bastianich and Ming Tsai teach me more in 5 minutes than 5 hours of dumbed down “instruction” on FN does.

  15. sg-dub says:

    Everyone’s right. I’ve been questioning Ed’s Alton love every since his Asphalt motorcycle travel show.

    And RachWho is right, PBS shows are infinitely better – I like the Cook’s Country and America’s Test Kitchen myself. Ming Tsai – I’ve met him! – uses rather impossible to find ingredients and okay dude, you like Ginger, Christ. (His restaurant is even called Blue Ginger).

    I do not like ginger so much.

    And this may or may not be the answer to a real cooking channel, but Food Network is launching the Cooking Channel soon, which I can only assume may be more recipe driven than personality driven.

    Oh yeah, Guy Fieri is a douche.

  16. chick110 says:

    Talking of PBS cooking shows reminds me of this guy we used to watch years ago, Yan Can Cook. Loved him–he was fun and entertaining and I could even see myself eating his food.

    Not sure why T-man hates Flo so much, she doesn’t irritate me near as much as the Aflac duck or the Geico cavemen.

  17. T-bag says:

    I don’t hate Flo, Chick, as much as I fear that she WAS BIRTHED FROM MY NIGHTMARES.

    I used to like Alton, but he’s becoming really overexposed and therefore is becoming obnoxious. He’ll never match Guy’s douchiness, though. Sometimes I wonder if Guy is living out one big performance piece. Because really, how can someone look and act like him and NOT be joking?

  18. honeybunny says:

    Wow t-boy. I had no idea you were a ‘Birther’.


  19. zoobabe says:

    I love Guy Fieri, and I am not embarrassed about it. It’s a big point of contention between bf and I b/c he hates him and is forced to eat at TGIF’s often. I thik that he is cute, and funny, and entertaining- so my MSR peeps and I will just have to agree to disagree.

  20. MrsTimRiggins says:

    Oh I loathe him. But I did go to Tune Inn a lot when I interned on the Hill!

  21. EdHill says:

    God I forgot. TGIF. What better spokesman for that place than Guy Fieri?

    And I also love Cook’s Country and America’s Test Kitchen

  22. copygodd says:

    i don’t think there’s any tv cook i like, except for gordon ramsey, of course. DONKEY!

    it’s just food. big deal.

    now beer, on the other hand…

  23. EdHill says:

    Im still waiting for a “cooking” show about beer
    styles, pairings, brewing techniques.

  24. Me says:

    I agree…the sunglasses on the back of the head thing pisses me off in a very strange way…I can NOT freakin stand it! And so many people agree…why doesn’t he get it that it looks so ridiculously stupid???

  25. Massengill Ferry says:

    Yes Guy Ferry is a big fat douche. He’s actually a rich kid who studied in France for 6 years (probably not cooking). They tell some story of him selling pretzels to save up to go there. For Six Years? What were they $100 pretzels? Everything about him is fake or a lie.

    Diner Drive ins and Dives are NOT discovered by Guy Ferry, that’s all the work of the production company. Douche-bag just shows up for the taping. Grow up Fieri,you’ve been out of the fraternity since 1990 why not start acting like it… poser.

    PS: Alton rocks. I understand why food cooks the way it does, because of Alton’s science lessons.

  26. EdHill says:

    Massengill Ferry, I agree wholeheartily.

  27. ron says:

    the diner idea was done a million years ago by this documentary – Pennsylvania Diners and other Roadside Restaurants. and its just narrated, no douche host on camera stuffing his face.

  28. Steve says:

    Guy Fieri is now, he’s hip, he’s down, he’s with it…he’s a douche poser! And what is it with that sweatband half way up his forearm??!!

  29. Johnny says:

    He is SUCH a poseur!! Went to a game show taping of him as the host, and between takes, he was complaining like a little girl about having to wait a few minutes too tape and that “The union reps won’t be too happy”. What a pretentious, fraud, douche bag!!

  30. Mai says:

    Guy Fieri is everywhere and he should not even be on TV in the first place. He is the strange creation of the Food Network which has become a parody of itself. I refuse to tune in anymore because the main thing on is Diners Drive in and Dives and only mildly talented home cooks. What a crap bunch of shows. I hate Minute to Win it and wish it had been canceled but NBC is so desparate it will air anything with lukewarm ratings.

  31. missindependent12 says:

    Guy is the BEST!!! IDK why so many people dislike him, yall who are hatin on Guy must have no sense of humor. As for Diners Drive-ins and Dives.. yea it’s not the fanciest food ever, but did you catch the name of the show (there’s not going to be fancy food in a diner, drive in or dive.. duh) he’s just looking for good food, and most of the food looks good. He really is funny and entertaining I absolutly LOOVE his shows! His hair and evevrything, who cares its what he like his style to be, let him be! Love ya Guy!! :)

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  34. Laura L. says:

    I used to actually like “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” but it’s SO disgusting watching him eat totally unhealthy food. He reminds me of my brother-in-law: fat, loud and obnoxious!

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  37. rantsome says:

    Ah, you are all so damned funny! My take on Guy is that he represents everything that’s wrong with America. He’s a low-class imbecile who has parlayed any possible talent he had with his mediocre restaurant in Sacto into his personal ATM machine. When I watch him, I am reminded of the audience watching Bruno try to act straight and then make out with his estranged boyfriend while they continue to cheer him on – oblivious to what has just transpired. In other words, it’s that same audience who cheers him on as he shoves greasy cheez-whiz covered abominations into his pie-hole across this great land. And that’s what passes for entertainment today. Ugly, stupid wanna-be eating artery-clogging food.

  38. Dave says:

    Thanks for this site and all the Guy=bashing comments. I despise him and most of his sidekicks on the culinary genocidal food channels.

    Guy is fixated with overusing butter, salt & parmesan on everything. Like Hollywood’s nepotistic industrial complex, he publicizes only those places sharing his penchant for disgustingly sick and off-the-wall food combos.

    Most of the other so-called chefs belong in gay discos, not kitchens. They are to cooking what OJ Simpson is to women’s rights. Put that blue cheese on your bistro burgers and eat it!

  39. Dave says:

    Also forgot to mention another obnoxious problem with Guy’s show: all the cameramen are on coke – notice how they can’t concentrate on a single shot for more than one second.

    Maybe they add some butter and parmesan to their snort.

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  45. Sky says:

    Stop hating on Alton, Lizardqueen! He knows more about food than any other chef I’ve ever watched. He’s very intelligent and his show is actually educational. I learn more from him than anyone on any cooking show and he’s more entertaining than reading the CIA book for tests. Alton rules!

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  49. J.R. Francisco says:

    I (used to) watch “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives” to get tailgate party ideas, but Guy (who names their kid Guy?) Fieri is so freaking annoying and, at times, unwatchable. Hate how he shows up in his “muscle” shirts, shorts, and flip-flops, and tries to steal the spotlight at every place he visits. He is rude and disrespectable and then kisses ass when he stuffs his fat face. Anthony Bourdain has class and style and doesn’t stoop to douche-bag antics because he’s got a personality and knows what he’s talking about.

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