Oh boy. Prepare yourselves for this one, people. True Blood gets even more insane this week. Watching this show has become for me a baffling experience, because I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to get out of it. Am I supposed to be aroused by all the sex, even though it often involves a lot of screaming and blood and FRIGHTENING MONSTERS? Am I supposed to be worried for the characters’ safety, when I know that they’re all going to be fine always? I don’t know, maybe I DO need my television spoon fed to me. I’m going to go watch Entourage with Jim, you guys.

Anyway, last week a werewolf was in Sookie’s house (obviously), and then Eric ran at it, but also Sookie fired a gun. So now when we rejoin our tolerated beloved characters, we discover that we are now in the Matrix. Sookie shoots the bullet in slow motion and then Eric watches it because he is super fast and then JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE BULLET. Then the wolf turns into a naked, tattooed human and tries to drink Eric’s blood. Good plan, Eric.

Eric grabs the wolfman by the throat and asks him who he works for. The guy does the old, “I can’t talk with your hand on my throat,” routine, so Eric lets him go, and then – OBVIOUSLY – the wolfman jumps back on Eric and starts drinking his blood. Wow, you would have thought after a thousand years Eric would have learned that trick by now. The wolfman tries to run away, but Sookie shoots him in the leg because she is now an EXPERT MARKSWOMAN.

“I have completely thought this plan through!”

Sookie hears the wolfman think something about “Jackson,” but he refuses to tell who he works for, so Eric rips out his jugular. Gross. “Got your rug all wet,” Eric tells Sookie as blood pours all over the place. Well, this was charming.

Meanwhile at the King of Mississippi’s house, Lorena is no longer on fire, because they put her out with a tapestry. Oh yeah, I almost forgot from last week when Bill LIT HER ON FIRE. But now she’s totally fine, because if there’s one thing this show loves to do, it’s put its characters in MORTAL PERIL at the end of one episode and then have them be completely fine 10 seconds into the next episode. Suspenseful!

Anyway, the gay vampire is like, “That tapestry was a gift from blah blah blah,” and he’s already annoying me. I can’t believe this raging homo stereotype exists on a show that also has one of the most well-rounded, macho, unstereotypical gay dudes to ever appear on TV (Bill, obviously. Kidding! I’m actually talking about Tara).

“I love FASHION and SHOPPING and GLAMOUR and a fun martini night out with my GIRLS.”

After some gay banter, the King dismisses everyone but Bill. He tells Bill that Lorena recommended Bill for the position, so he should get along with her. So… Bill should get along with Lorena because she recommended that he get KIDNAPPED BY WEREWOLVES? You suck, King. Then for some reason the King asks about Sookie (oh no, please don’t tell me the King is also in love with Sookie) and how much Bill loves her. Ohhhh boy, don’t get Bill started on this subject, King. He tells Bill that if he loves Sookie he should turn her into a vampire, like he did with Talbot centuries ago. He also says some vaguely threatening things, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Eric is digging a nice little grave for the werewolf (because why not). Sookie’s scolding him for killing the werewolf so they couldn’t get information, even though she SHOT AT HIM TWICE. Eric tells her that when werewolves have a little bit of vampire blood, they can be incredibly strong and dangerous. Wait, wait, wait. So then why did you ALLOW THE WEREWOLF TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD? Wouldn’t it have been smarter to just tackle the wolf away from Sookie’s bullet (since you can apparently move faster than Superman these days) and then fight the werewolf without getting your blood all over the place for him to easily drink? Ugh, I hate when I try to make sense of these characters’ motives.

Also, one other thing: WEREWOLVES ARE NOT A THREAT, SO STOP TELLING US THAT THEY ARE. Bill was tied up with silver in a car with werewolves who had drank so much of his blood that he was almost dead and yet he somehow escaped and RIPPED ALL THEIR LIMBS OFF. In the past two episodes we’ve seen, like, 8 werewolves die. These guys are not strong, no matter how much blood they drink. I am not worried about the well-being of the vampires on this show. As if I ever was.

Anyway, Eric walks Sookie back to her house, and she asks if he knows anyone named Jackson. Eric tells her that Jackson is where the werewolf lives, because Eric just knows everything somehow. Obviously Sookie immediately gets all, “BILL MIGHT BE IN JACKSON!!!” Ugh, shut up. Eric tells Sookie that he can’t go to Jackson yet, because there’s more he has to do, and he also cautions her against going by herself, since she’s an idiot and she’ll die. But she tells Eric she’s leaving tomorrow, and then asks if he feels that she’s in trouble, how fast can he get to Mississippi? Eric says, “Not fast enough.” I don’t know, last episode it took Sookie and Jessica about 30 minutes to drive to where Bill’s car was trashed in Mississippi, so I’m pretty sure if you can run faster than a bullet, you’ll get there in no time. But whatever, here I am again trying to make sense of this nonsense garbage.

“Yeah, instead of being safe, I think I’m going to go fuck things up for everyone some more.”

In some motel room, Tara is having sex with the British Vampire, and it looks awful. He’s like orgasming/screaming and her eyes are rolling back in her head. She tells him to bite her, but then he pops his fangs back in and says that he won’t because she want’s him to. Oooh, creepy! Then he flips her over and starts doing her from behind, presumably so she puts a pillow in her mouth and shuts the fuck up. I kind of like this guy’s style.

Tommy is watching TV with his dad, the way we all watch TV with our fathers:

Just an average Sunday night.

Sam storms in and his dad is like, “Whoops, gotta cover my balls up!” even though last week he was also in his underwear in front of Sam and he was totally fine with it, even before he knew Sam was his son. Anyway, Sam’s pissed at Tommy for some reason and it takes me a little bit to remember there was that whole almost-getting-hit-by-a-car thing that made no sense last week. Dad goes to get Mom, so Sam tries to threaten Tommy, but Tommy’s pissed that Sam is coming into this family and becoming the favorite son!!! Oh no!!!!! I care so much about this bullshit family’s dynamics!!!! I’d rather watch Tara get fucked from behind, thank you very much. Anyway, Sam goes back to Bon Temps because these people are fucking WEIRD.

In other news, Jason now wants to be a cop? Because he tackled some guy who had drugs? So now we have to endure another season of Jason following his “destiny.” Great.

In the motel, British Vampire and Tara are cuddling, and as soon as Tara starts speaking, British Vampire looks like this:

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Ha! I really like this guy! New favorite character, y’all! Tara is blown away by how good the sex was, and already she’s all, “Who’s Eggs?” I hate you, Tara. She literally met this vampire like TEN MINUTES AGO, and she’s already fucked him and forgotten about the boyfriend she’s been absolutely INSUFFERABLE about for the past 15 episodes. Oh, and also she won’t tell British Vampire her name. She leaves, but not before British Vampire reveals that his name is Franklin, which is very fancy.

At Fangtasia, Pam is engaging in some oral sex with that Estonian stripper that everyone apparently loves these days. The phone rings, and it’s Jessica. She really needs help, and then tells Pam that the trucker’s body is gone. “So, the problem you have is that there is no dead body in your house?” asks Pam, who then hangs up and goes back to sex. Well put, Pam.

Meanwhile, Sam is back at work all of the sudden? And he’s already filled Sookie in on everything he did in Arkansas? Man, these characters seriously must drive like MANIACS, because they cross state borders in a fucking matter of seconds. Anyway, Sam is also shocked to learn of Eggs’s death, but then he jokes, “Good thing this town doesn’t have many other bar options.” Okay, for a show this self-aware, why isn’t it aware of how stupid it is?

Sookie tells Sam she’s leaving for Jackson, so she is once again requesting time off of work. Jesus, how does this bar stay open? Then she hands Sam the keys to Merlotte’s and he notices her engagement ring and looks really sad about it. Oh no, Sam, we can’t afford to have you pine after Sookie anymore. There’s already too many people in love with her. I liked you better when you were crying while staring at deer.

“It’s my turn to leave the state this week. You’ll have to wait to run off to Alabama or whatever until next week. But in two weeks I’m going to need to request off, because I think Bill is planning on getting captured by someone again.”

At Jason’s, Hoyt is giving Jason a practice test to become a cop. Oh god, this is actually a serious plot we have to follow, huh? Fine, let’s do this. Jason doesn’t know any of the answers to the test! Comedy! Hoyt wants to talk about Jessica, but Jason just says that Hoyt should find a new girl. Back to the test: Jason thinks he doesn’t need a test and that he’s good enough to become a cop right now. Oh god, if he becomes a vigilante superhero I’m quitting this show.

Let’s check in on Arlene! She’s at the doctor’s office, checking out what’s in her womb. He tells her it’s 9 weeks old and she’s like, “Whuuuut?” Virgin birth! Second coming of Christ!

“Can I please be born on ‘Treme’ instead?”

At Merlotte’s, guess what? EVERYONE IS OVERWORKED. The phone’s ringing, Tara’s screaming at everybody. This bar sucks. Let’s go watch a different bar in Bon Temps, please. Tara answers the phone and it’s the coroner, who’s calling to let her know that she forgot about Eggs’ funeral. HAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?! All Tara DOES is talk about the fact that Eggs is dead and then she forgot his funeral?! Tara, I can’t believe you actually manage to out-awful yourself with each passing episode.

She runs down to the cemetery (apparently the bar is next to a cemetery, natch) and sees no one else is there, so she asks who paid for the funeral. Sookie’s like, “I did,” coming out of the place that she was hiding in for dramatic purposes. Tara’s like, “Friends again!” And now Tara’s sad about Eggs again, even though she’s already banging some other dude who seems a lot better at sex than Eggs (or worse? I still don’t understand what all the SCREAMING in sex on this show is about. Maybe I’m just doing it wrong). Sookie tells Tara she’s leaving again, and once again offers her house up to Tara, because the last time she did that it was an awesome idea and almost ruined the show for all of us. Don’t fucking invite any maenads in, Tara.

“I was just hiding behind these trees waiting for you to ask who paid for the funeral so I could step out and announce, ‘I did.’ You know, normal funeral stuff.”

Flashback time! It’s 1868, and BIll is walking through the very same graveyard. He approaches a house and some lady whips open the door with a shotgun in her hand. It’s Bill’s wife! She’s like, “Shit, I thought you were dead. Oh, btw your kids are dead.” And one more thing, their BODIES ARE INSIDE FOR YOU TO LOOK AT AND THEY ARE COVERED WITH OPEN SORES. Bill gets all ridiculous over the kid’s body, literally saying, “Thomas, it’s Daddy, come to see you off.” And then he cries blood, which freaks the fuck out of his wife, who naturally thinks he’s a demon.

“Ugh, Bill’s alive?”

His wife shoots him in the arm, but after she sees it heal immediately, she runs outside and gets caught by Lorena. Ugh, not another Lorena flashback. Bill makes Lorena drop his wife, but his wife still won’t look at him or stop crying. She begs to be killed, so he almost rips her throat out (uh… what the fuck? Why did Bill just almost kill his wife? NO TIME TO FOCUS ON NONSENSE PLOT ASPECTS, MUST KEEP MOVING) but Lorena stops him. Then Lorena glamours her and says, “I’m so sorry to have to do this to you,” as Bill wakes up in his silken royal bed or whatever. Wow, so Bill’s dreams are literally just flashbacks to his life exactly as they happen? That never happens.

And now Jason is taking the police officer test! Because this plot is REALLY IMPORTANT! He doesn’t know any of the answers and the front page is all in hieroglyphs! He walks the test up to the front, and asks the sheriff for a new test, but he has one of those bullet holes in his forehead. Also, the sheriff officiates these tests? Sassy Black Cop probably refuses to do it, because she is awesome. Then Jason discovers he’s pantless, right before he wakes up in his truck. Which means we just had two back-to-back dream sequences and spent nearly 10 minutes of this show on things that don’t really matter.

Good, we hit our required quota of man ass per episode.

Anyway, Lafayette woke Jason up because he needs authorization on the blah blah blah made up form, and Jason says he’s got a lot on his mind. But Hoyt starts screaming in a ditch, so everyone runs to see what the hell is going on and it’s the trucker’s body without a head!

Sookie returns home and starts scrubbing the blood out of her floor, but someone approaches from behind, so she runs inside. A wonderfully handsome man with fantastic facial hair grabs her and she’s like, “RAAAAAAAAPE!” He tells her he was sent by Eric and his name is Alcide and he is here look after her/be her newest love interest. Great, more handsome dudes to get naked!

At Merlotte’s Sam’s awful family comes strolling in. NO, GO AWAY. At least the dad has clothes on for the first time ever. Sam offers them lunch, but he doesn’t seem too happy to see them showing up again. Me and you both, Sam.

At the construction site: SASSY BLACK COP ALERT. Yaaaaay! She and Andy are updating the sheriff on the headless body, which apparently was ripped apart. Andy thinks it was a vampire, and the sheriff is just like, “I quit.” WHAT. Yes. He actually just quits, just like that. Are we allowed to do that? I had no idea. I quit too!

Take me with you!

Sookie’s made Alcide some tea (what else do you do for a werewolf that you just thought was about to rape you?), and she does that stupid thing she’s always doing where she responds out loud to his thoughts (because, as we all know, people think in full sentences and questions that are easy to respond to). Alcide says he works for Eric because he needed a loan for his dad’s auto shop or something. Hahaha, right. That’s a wonderfully complex reason to become an indentured servant.

At the King’s place, Bill is still dreaming about this stupid flashback. So not only does he dream in full, completely accurate memories of his past, but he also can wake up and then go back to sleep and resume his dream/memory EXACTLY WHERE HE LEFT OFF? Bill is amazing, you guys! Anyway, turns out Lorena didn’t eat his wife. Again with the cliffhangers that make you think someone is going to die but then they turn out to be totally fine. So Bill glamours her into forgetting he was ever there, and then Lorena tells Bill that the only way to love a human is to stay away from them forever. So then Bill cries a lot, which seems really fake to me.

Downstairs, the King and Talbot are hanging out with Lorena and Cooter (ha! Cooter!). Talbot goes to get Cooter some Zima, because Cooter SUCKS. Cooter is looking for Alcide, I think? They don’t know where someone went, but they suspect that he’s with Sookie. Lorena thinks Eric got to him, and there are literally too many names being thrown around in this conversation for me to care. Bill strolls in and announces that he has decided to move to Mississippi. But who gets his Wii?!?!?!

“You asked for more characters? YOU GOT IT.”

Outside Lafayette’s, Eric is sitting in a really nice convertible, honking his horn in the middle of the night. Turns out the car is a gift for Lafayette! Eric tells him he could become very wealthy working for Eric if he wants to, and Lafayette says he’ll think about it. I hope Lafayette becomes a warlord and murders all the characters I hate.

In the kitchen at Merlotte’s, Terry and Arlene are fighting, and Arlene reveals that she’s preggers. Terry starts crying, he’s so happy, even though Arlene seems like she has no idea if it’s actually his or not.

Meanwhile, Sam’s dad bought like THIRTY SHOTS. Tommy is drinking too, but he’s not 21 so Sam cuts him off and then basically kicks his white trash family out of the bar. I’m mostly just left wondering why Tara isn’t fired for giving a drunk alcoholic and his 19-year-old son a whole tray of shots. Seriously, Tara, that is some really terrible bartending, even for you.

At Bill’s, Franklin has stopped by to pay a visit to Jessica. She flashes her fangs at him to scare him off, but he does the same and then just strolls in. She wonders why he was able to just walk in, and he says that vampires don’t need permission to enter houses not owned by humans. These rules are so confusing. Franklin tells Jessica that his job is to find things, and she seems totally okay with that explanation. Uh, no. Ask more questions, Jessica. Your job can’t just be “finding things.” That makes no fucking sense and isn’t actually a job, unless he means he’s homeless and digs through the trash for food.

This guy’s not so good at the party tricks.

Anyway, Franklin pulls the trucker’s head out of a bag and tells Jessica he helped her (How? By leaving the body hidden in a construction site where everyone would easily find it? Not so much help, asshole) so now he needs Jessica’s help. And he wants to know everything she knows about Bill.

Jason returns home to find a deputy sheriff application on the counter, so he torches it. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS STORYLINE.

A dramatic reenactment of what Alan Ball does with the pages of these scripts that make any sense.

Sam wakes up to an alarm beeping, so he grabs a gun and goes into his living room just in time to see a bird fly out the window. All his files have been looked through and there’s a pair of pants on the floor. Is it just me, or was that totally not an actual bird? Oh my god, I bet it wasn’t!!!

Meanwhile, Sookie and Alcide enter a werewolf bar named “Lou Pines,” and that name makes me WANT TO DIE. Also, the walls are painted with murals of wolves howling at the moon. I fucking hate werewolf bars. The bouncer (werewolf bouncer! Ha! This show!) doesn’t trust Sookie, but Alcide vouches for her, and apparently the bouncer and Alcide are old friends. Naturally.

Alcide and Sookie split up, and she immediately finds a group of werewolves and starts proclaiming that vampires are so strong. Ooooh, that gets these werewolves soooo mad! They hate vampires so much! Patrick Swayze’s brother (what? Yes. Patrick Swayze’s brother is there, and also is a werewolf) starts thinking about how he just beat up a vampire the other night, which is convenient for Sookie. She touches his chest and sees him torturing Bill, so she asks him to go into the back room.

“So who, like, totally wants to rape me?”

In the back room, we get to see the fruition of Sookie’s brilliant plan: SHE ALMOST GETS RAPED. Yes, her plan was to almost get raped by Patrick Swayze’s werewolf brother. Great plan! Nothing could have gone wrong! Anyway, Alcide comes in and punches him in the face, but then two werewolves hold Alcide’s arms so Patrick Swayze’s brother can punch him in the stomach a lot. Wow, good plan, asshole. But the bouncer breaks it up and kicks Patrick Swayze’s brother out of the bar, and the werewolf obeys because even werewolves obey club bouncers. Obviously.

Oh, and then the bouncer tells Alcide that his EX-GIRLFRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED TO A DIFFERENT WEREWOLF! Ha! Am I supposed to care about this? This is the least shocking/interesting news that this show has ever presented me with. I don’t care about Alcide’s love life because I just met the guy like 15 minutes ago. This show is ridiculous.

Franklin shows up at Sookie’s house and tells Tara that Jessica told him everything about her. I wasn’t aware Jessica and Tara even knew each other, but whatever. Tara refuses to let Franklin in, but then he just glamours her and she gives in because she’s terrible.

In Mississippi, Lorena comes into Bill’s room doing a sarcastic slow clap. She thinks he’s faking allegiance to Mississippi to gain the trust of the King, and I need to once again point out that I do not understand vampire politics. So there are different monarchies for EACH STATE? Which means in the United States alone there are 50 kings or queens? Isn’t that a little IMPRACTICAL? And Franklin has a British accent, so we know there are vampires in at least England, if not all over the world. How is this all organized? And why do the vampires adhere to human boundaries like states? How was vampire government organized prior to 1776? WHY AM I TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS NONSENSE SHOW?

Anyway, Bill insists that he finally understand what Lorena said to him back in 1868 (Bill’s a slow learner) and that he can never love a human. And then he has sex with her while screaming that he won’t ever have sex with her? WHAT? And then he TWISTS HER HEAD AROUND AND HAS SEX WITH HER WHILE HER HEAD IS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS AND SHE IS SPITTING UP BLOOD? She says she still loves Bill and then he screams, “NOOOOOOOO!” at the ceiling like a cheesy B-movie and then END CREDITS.

Just what this show needed: BACKWARDS HEAD VAMPIRE FUCKING.

Wow, I feel like I was just skullfucked. I think this show might be the world’s most elaborate prank, you guys, because it has gotten RIDICULOUS. I don’t read the books, but is there really a scene in one of the novels where Charlaine Harris actually describes in vivid detail sex between two dead people, one of whom has her head on COMPLETELY BACKWARDS? I find that hard to believe, and if that’s the case, sign me up for never reading that book because if I do I may never stop vomiting.

Next week: More awful sex, probably.

T-bag | 06.29.10 | Filed in Recaps,True Blood