The Bachelorette: Should Ali choose sadpants or sexypants?
Friends! Lovers of roses pinned to lapels and breathy statements like “I will always accept a rose from you”! I need some advice. Oh, this is Hiro by the way. Hiro here-o. If I’ve made that joke before, I refuse to apologize because it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything on this ghost town of a website. What was I saying? Yes. ADVICE. Who should I choose as my favorite dude vying for Ali’s
vag heart on the Bachelorette? Let’s pretend I’m Ali. (I’d have to grow a foot, lose some weight, and get some unnaturally defined abs. And turn white.) Who do I want to support me in my career as a seller of ad space on Facebook? Oh wait, I quit that AMAZING career to find the love of a good, sweaty man!
I’ve been dutifully keeping up with our dear, lovely, Bachelorette for this entire season. For what? For why? For how? For to drive myself insane. And to vicariously live out my dream of being picked up by at least one man per day. Ali is a very trusting lady, as proven by her willingness to literally JUMP INTO THE ARMS of perhaps 10 to 15 different men over the course of the season. They indulge her by flinging her around like a rag doll while she laughs maniacally.
Now, it’s become fairly obvious that Frank the Tank is leaving. (See this video.) But let’s pretend like he’s still in the running. Let’s go through the final three together.
The sexy one.
Roberto, Roberto, Roooobertooo. Oooooo. DELICIOUSO. He really did look amazing in his little T-ball uniform, causing Ali not only to leap into his arms, but to straddle him like a horny monkey or a needy toddler. One of her signature moves.
Roberto seems nice enough, but I can’t really tell because I’m blinded by his sparkly eyes and his perfect smile. Ali feels like she has “amazing chemistry” with Roberto, but WHO WOULDN’T? I am wracking my brain, really digging, to find something else to write about Roberto, but I can barely remember anything about him besides STRETCHY BASEBALL PANTS.
Oh, his family seems nice and they like to dance sexily. They do live in Tampa, Florida, after all. And you know what they say about Tampa. Mumblemumblemumble sexy dancing. That’s what they say!*
*I have never been to Tampa.
The sad one.
Chris makes me uncomfortable because he’s very sad. His family is one of those New England-y families that hug and kiss and get tearful about how much love they’re feeling all the time. This is usually reserved for movies starring Diane Keaton and the guy from Coach, now on the weirdly-appealing TV show Parenthood. I really feel most comfortable around a family where it’s appropriate to show your feelings by mumbling “nice to see you” while awkwardly patting a shoulder.
Chris is handsome and tall but a little too earnest. Also, his dog is missing any form of identification, which makes me worried about her running away. Sure, he cared for his dying mother (mentioned every 2 minutes), but he lets his dog wander around collarless? Pfffft. Is she even licensed? IS SHE?
Also, when they are making out on that tower somewhere near his house, he devours Ali’s face like it’s a lobster sandwich at the Shell Shack on the Pier.
The this-guy-seems-off-but-I-can’t-put-my-finger-on-it one.
Frank Frank Frank. What can we say about him? When he’s not staring intensely at people, his hawk-like eyes burning holes in my brain, he’s analyzing his relationship with Ali. Of course, his sweaty proclamations of affection to Ali, peppered with crazed doubtfulness, creates a situation that makes Ali totally into him. He’s the only one who is a bit of a wild card, and she’s eating it up.
Frank’s wardrobe must be mentioned. His love of low cut, scoop neck T-shirts topped with fitted cardigans is notable, as is his collection of very stylish jackets. Is this significant? Does it mean he really just wants to be on TV and thus robbed an American Apparel before going on the show?
Poor Kirk is now gone, maybe because he’s the only one who had a truly normal family, in that divorced, not-on-speaking-terms, dead animals live in our basement kind of way.
I feel the need to warn everyone about the dangers of sun damage. Kirk’s skin varied between light pink and dark pink, and it made me want to slather SPF 50 all over him (not in a sexy way). He’s obviously quite pale, but I think he may have subjected himself to the cruel rays of the tanning bed and gotten a bit of a burn. Own your paleness, Kirk! That’s what you can take from this experience. You didn’t make it through that weird, unnamed mold-illness just to die of skin cancer.
What do you think? Who will win? Who should win?