True Blood is back after a one-week hiatus! Wasn’t that Sunday night kind of glorious without it? Makes you wonder if we should all quit this show. But you won’t, because you are a disgusting pervert.

Anyway, Sookie is cleaning up Alcide after his lame asskicking at that lame werewolf bar. This is all just a ploy to get Alcide shirtless, so no one is complaining. Sookie asks about Alcide’s ex-girlfriend. NO. I do not care about this guy’s previous relationships. Then she starts criticizing the furniture in his house for some reason and I am so bored. But Alcide continues to talk about this “Debbie” and how his sister runs a beauty parlor and Debbie goes there to get her hair done and does no one else realize how RIDICULOUS it is that we’re supposed to care about this shit? Then for some reason Alcide seems like he falls in love with Sookie. Ugh, if she has another superpower (remember? LIGHTNING HANDS!) and it’s pheromones or whatever, I’m going to be so annoyed.

Sookie’s phone rings and it’s Bill. Bill looks sad. Why so sad, Bill? Oh, right, you just twisted a woman’s head around and hate-fucked her. Whoops! Sookie asks, “Are you hurt? I know the werewolves have you,” and miraculously none of these actors burst out into laughter. And then Bill breaks up with Sookie over the phone. Haha, what a cock! Sookie responds, “Shut the fuck up,” which is actually the most realistic thing that has EVER HAPPENED on this show. Sookie’s like, “WTF I thought you wanted to marry me,” but he admits that he just fucked Lorena and she says hi. Bill is such an ass! I’ve been telling you this for three seasons, Sookie!

“I’m sorry, but Lorena’s name is just so much easier to pronounce with a terrible accent.”

He tells Sookie they can’t be together because he brings so much pain and blah blah blah. So if they break up, then this show is over, right? Great! But no, Alcide is here to move in on this newly single lady, because he is a creep.

After the opening credits, Sookie’s still crying, but instead of comforting her, Alcide hands her a roll of toilet paper (buy some Kleenex, you slob), flexes his abs, and then continues to complain about Debbie. Alcide sucks. But then they almost kiss and he tells Sookie that werewolves are hotter than normal people and all the ladies in the audience are like, “I’LL SAY!!!!!”

At Merlotte’s, Sam is chasing after an owl, screaming at it, because that is what this show has come to. He walks a little bit and finds a van parked off the road, which is like the worst place to put a van if you don’t want it to be found. He knocks on the door and his mom comes out and surprise! They’re homeless now! I don’t care about this plot still!

“Yeah, so, we’re just going to be hangin’ around to ruin the show for a while, mmkay?”

Meanwhile, Franklin is glamouring Tara into telling him everything about Bill and Sookie. She tells him Sookie’s a telepath and she likes that she can’t hear Bill’s thoughts. Tara mentions that stupid subplot I forgot about where she was randomly in love with Jason, so let’s just skip over that part. Tara tells Franklin that Sookie’s in Jackson, Mississippi, but he wants a more specific answer.

So Tara calls Sookie and tells her she’ll come pick her up because she’s sad about Bill, but we see that Franklin is actually mouthing the words and making Tara say things. Can vampires control your actions now, or is Tara just outrageously good at lip-reading? Both of these things seem like they couldn’t possibly be true, but this is a show that’s never prided itself on its logic, so who cares! Anyway, Sookie refuses to leave and hangs up on her best friend, because Sookie is a bitch. So Franklin bites Tara’s neck, and for the 100th time I’m screaming, “JUST KILL HER!”

“But I have so many people left to annoy!”

In his room, Bill is whining about Sookie. Make up your mind, Bill. Then he kicks Lorena out, but she goes all crazy ex-girlfriend on him and says they’ll be together forever. So Bill PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE. Woah woah woah. Okay, I know she’s like a fake undead creature or whatever, but this is still a MAN PUNCHING A WOMAN IN THE FACE. Does this not seem a little wrong to anyone else? Twisting her head around backwards is a big nothing because, haha, let’s be serious, it was the most ridiculously fake, stupid thing ever. But a dude just flat-out slamming his fist into a lady’s face? That’s a little too domestic violence-y for me to be okay with. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW, I’M NOT A VAMPIRE.

Then we get a stupid thing where Eric flies outside of Sookie’s room and she invites him in and they start getting it on, but this is obviously a dream sequence, so I’m not going to waste any of their time. (But I will mention that Sookie ACTUALLY says the line, “You smell like the ocean in winter,” and then ten seconds later says, “I’m smelling your memories,” which I thiiiiiink got slipped into the script on Take Your Emo Daughter To Work Day.) Anyway, even though it’s a dream, I’ll give the guys reading this a little treat for making it this far through this outrageously stupid crap their girlfriends probably made them watch:

Still not worth it, right?

In the morning, Alcide is frying bacon. Classic boring werewolf. Sookie plans on finding Bill so he can say this shit to her face, so Sookie’s plan is to once again go to the werewolf bar and then once again stand around until someone almost rapes her? Sookie is the worst at coming up with plans.

Meanwhile, Lafayette is calling Tara, but she can’t answer because she’s tied to the toilet with her mouth duct-taped shut. This is my favorite scene Tara has ever appeared in. Guess why?

Sweet, sweet silence.

Anyway, Alcide’s sister shows up, and turns out he’s related to Ke$ha!!!!!

“Wake up in the morning feelin’ like a werewolf…”

Remember how Alcide conveniently told Sookie earlier that his sister works at a beauty salon? Well that’s great, because now she’s here to make Sookie look like a werewolf’s girlfriend or something! Oh, and Ke$ha’s thoughts reveal that Debbie is hooked on V and tonight it’s an engagement party, but it’s actually a party to welcome her into the Evil Nazi Wolfpack or whatever. Ugh, I DON’T CARE ABOUT DEBBIE.

At Merlotte’s, Jason is annoyed because some kid in the bar is going to break his all-time passing record? SERIOUSLY? Man, we just can’t decide on a plot to give Jason this season, can we? This is not Friday Night Lights, True Blood, so cut it out with the football rivalry. This is lame. Anyway, on the other side of the bar is the sheriff’s retirement party. Sassy Black Cop is there! And she’s wearing a dress! And smiling! The new football player is being loud during the sheriff’s speech, though. Haha, OH NO! WHO WILL GET THE TEENAGERS TO QUIET DOWN??!!!

Jason strolls over and tells the kid that in 10 years his passing record is going to be shattered by some new kid. TAKE THAT, TEENAGERS. Go home and listen to your tape players and watch PG-13 movies or whatever kids do these days! But the new QB responds that the town is going to forget Jason ever existed once his record is broken. How long is this scene?! Is it going to last until I DIE?!

“After I give you these boots, I’m firing my agent!”

Anyway, Andy is promoted to sheriff because he doesn’t have a record of heavy drinking or seeing invisible animals or shooting kids in the FACE. Sassy Black Cop drinks her sorrows away at the bar for not getting the promotion. Now THIS is a plot I can get behind. It is bullshit that Sassy Black Cop wasn’t promoted! BOOOOO SHERIFF! GET OUT OF HERE! HISS!

At Alcide’s, Sookie looks like a werewolf!!!! Wait, no she doesn’t, she looks awful.

“I am a visual representation of the decline of this show.”

Werewolves are so fucking lame. I’m glad Sookie called in a SPECIAL WEREWOLF MAKEUP ARTIST to do this job. She could have saved some money and just gotten some depressed 14-year-old to make her look like this. Sookie immediately tells Alcide that his ex is becoming an Evil Nazi Werewolf (this show is for adults, remember) and also she’s addicted to V. Oh, boy. Do we really need to go rescue this woman we’ve never met before?

At the King of Mississippi’s house, it’s time to talk vampire politics again! The King wants information on the Queen. Okay, wait, hol’ up a second here. So the King paid an army of Nazi Werewolves (naturally) to cross state lines into some other vampire’s queendom (obviously) to kidnap Bill and bring him here, where he was reunited with his ex-lover and mortal enemy, who forced him to cheat on and then break up with the love of his life. And for what? “Uh… so… do you know anything interesting about the Queen?” WHY DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW THINK UP A HALF-DECENT PLAN EVER?

“So now that I kidnapped you… wanna hang out?”

Anyway, Bill says he’ll give information if the King agrees to kill Lorena after they’re done. The King is like, “But that’s vampire murder!” and Bill is like, “But we don’t have to tell anyone!” and the King is like, “THIS COULD NEVER BACKFIRE ON US AND I SEE YOU HAVE THOUGHT OUT ALL THE ANGLES. I AGREE TO VAMPIRE MURDER HER.” So Bill tells the King that Eric is selling V on the Queen’s behalf. Bill is such a little bitch.

At the motel, Franklin comes back and duct tapes flowers to Tara’s hands and licks her face. Kill her! Also, Jessica now has a job at Merlotte’s because we need to find  way to get her back into this series. Arlene’s complaining about there being another pretty redhead working there now, Terry tells Sam his parents are living in the parking lot again, and Jessica bumps into an old friend from Bible Study who thought she was dead and there is TOO MUCH GOING ON IN THIS SCENE FOR ME TO PAY ATTENTION TO.

“Jessica?! It’s me! Some stupid fucking nerd!”

Meanwhile, Lafayette is trying to get a redneck to buy some V, but the dude isn’t having it because I think he’s a racist or a homophobe? I have no idea. Anyway, the guys start fucking with Lafayette’s new car and then beat him up, but Eric bails his ass out. I don’t even know why this is a scene in this show or why we should care. Make Lafayette do something awesome again, please, not this boring crap.

Franklin is driving Tara somewhere. She’s whining, and I’m wondering why he took the tape off her mouth. He starts getting all creepy, saying he’s been so lonely for so long. I hope he kills her and wears her skin.

It’s like Driving Miss Daisy, only reversed and UNBEARABLE.

In the woods, Sam finds Tommy laying there naked. Has he been laying there like that for like 2 days? Get a job, hippy. Sam gives him some life advice because brothers! I don’t care about this AT ALL.

In Lafeyette’s car, Eric is scolding him for being a bad salesman, but the only reason Eric was a good salesman in that situation is because he is a TERRIFYING MONSTER WITH SUPERPOWERS, whereas Lafayette is just a normal dude. So… kind of unfair to compare the two of you, yes? Anyway, Pam calls Eric because VAMPIRE BAR RAID. The Magister (ugh) is back, and he’s looking for V! Eric flies out the window. Apparently he doesn’t wear a seatbelt.

Meanwhile, Jason threatens to blackmail Andy into making him a cop, or else he’ll tell everyone he killed Eggs. So… your plan is to either become a cop, or admit to a crime and spend the rest of your life in jail for first-degree murder? AGAIN WITH THE BAD PLANS. Out in the woods, Sam lets his parents live with him, and I can’t believe this plot is going to continue. Also, Franklin brings Tara to the King’s palace, so I guess he’s working for the King, too? Everyone is working for the King! His payroll staff must be so overworked! Talbot makes an appearance to remind us that he is, in fact, still gay.

“Hello, I’m gay, welcome to my house. I am an enormous homosexual. Who are you here to see? Did I tell you I love dick?”

At Lou Pine’s (uggghhh), Sookie approaches the bar and is given a shot by Patrick Swayze’s brother because she is sporting SUCH A CLEVER DISGUISE. She turns it down, which makes him think, “She looks familiar…” so then she goes, “FUCK YEAH!” and takes the shot, and her cover isn’t blown! What a close call! Good disguise, Sookie!

Some bitch is all, “Who the fuck are you?” and guess what? It’s that awful Debbie we’ve heard so much about. She looks like Kristen Stewart after a 10-day bender, so Alcide clearly knows how to pick ‘em. I knew the guy was a douche.

Where is this bar, and how do I make sure to NEVER ENTER IT?

Bill, Lorena, and the King roll up at some strip club, and they send Bill in to go get someone “ethnic” for them to eat. Meanwhile, in the basement of Fangtasia, Pam is being tortured, but Eric storms in and says he’s been framed. The Magister is like, “Don’t you dare tattle on the Queen,” which is weird. So the Magister knows who’s responsible for the crime, but doesn’t want to punish her? THEN WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE TORTURING PEOPLE FOR NO REASON? Anyway, Eric and Pam both say Bill did it, so the Magister gives Eric two days to bring him Bill or else Pam dies.

Debbie and Alcide are being that awkward couple in the bar who have had too much to drink and bicker in front of everyone. Alcide is like, “Stop taking drugs!” and Debbie is like, “But I love drugs! Also I cheated on you with Cooter.” Sookie starts yelling at Debbie, which is NOT HELPING THINGS MOVE ALONG HERE, and then she tries to talk about how awesome love is or whatever. But then Cooter strolls up and puts his arm around Debbie, which is great, because that means we don’t need to deal with these characters anymore since they’re clearly in love. They start making out in front of Alcide and then all of the sudden she is crowdsurfing in the bar. I hate when that happens.

Normal bar stuff.

While waiting for Bill, the King says he has to go run an errand quickly. Inside the strip club, Bill is checking out the ladies. Some stripper dances, and he stares at her like a fucking creep. Stop ruining everyone’s fun, grandpa.

Meanwhile, the lamest party ever is still happening at the werewolf bar. Debbie is crowdsurfing in her underwear for some reason, and then the King shows up and puts a fur coat on her? This party suuuucks. Alcide says the King is “just an antique dealer,” which is a really awesome and clever disguise the King has decided to put on. Very secretive! Anyway, he speaks in German to the wolves, and then pours his blood into a bunch of shot glasses. “Oh my God, he supplies them!” whispers Sookie, in case us in the audience are a bunch of idiots. “Ho. Ly. Shit,” says Alcide, because these writers are terrible.

All the wolves toast and drink the blood and growl like they’re pirate extras from Hook. The King leaves, and all the wolves growl at each other some more. Wow, real scary, guys. Cool ceremony you’ve got here! Very grown-up!

Worst magic show ever.

In the strip club, the stripper brings Bill a glass of champagne, because that always happens in strip clubs. Then she takes off her top and gives him a lap dance, which is super awkward because Bill acts like a 75-year-old virgin the whole time. He glamours her, and she admits she has no family, and then gets super depressing and calls love, “a hell you’ll never get out of alive.” Wow. Worst lap dance EVER.

At the werewolf bar, Debbie is branded. She’s officially an Evil Nazi Werewolf! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SOMEONE RESCUE DEBBIE! Then Cooter turns into a wolf and licks her, and then all the other people in the bar start to turn into wolves. Alcide can’t help but do it too for some reason, so he tells Sookie to run. Then Cooter howls and it’s the fakest CGI wolf I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m pretty sure I saw that same dog in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Me, while watching this show.

Meanwhile, Bill is bringing the stripper back to the limo. He feels that Sookie is in danger, but ignores it. Then they all eat the stripper as blood pours out of the limo. Vampires are much scarier than werewolves in this show, and even the vampires are kind of like, “Meh.”

T-bag | 07.15.10 | Filed in Recaps,True Blood