Last week’s Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (or WANGA from here on out) wasn’t so very exciting, was it? Less artists inspiring each other and jockeying for vision and more like a bunch of parents fighting over how to build a jungle gym. Even the joy of Erik being sent back to Chicago (oops, spoilers!), where he can work on his tattoos and sulking was underwhelming. It lacked the joy I would have felt if her had been dismissed because his art sucked, not because he picked a fight with cuddly woodland creature Miles. And there was a terrible insufficiency of Baron von Gunn.

But let’s discuss what happened. Hmm, even before that, let’s review the standing of WANGA intercine warfare. As best I can tell

• Peregrine hates Mark
• Erik hates Jaclyn and Miles
• Ryan hates Miles

There’s probably lots more seething resentment, but there’s the highlights. For a carebear, Miles has incited a lot of ill-will.

How I’ve missed you, footage of closing hotel doors.

The artists are packed off to Canal and 6^th in lower Manhattan, no doubt relishing their fine Audi ride along the way, as they are contractually obligated to do. A strangely underdressed China explains that they are not, in fact, at a vacant lot, but in the Lower Manhattan Cultural Council ‘s “LentSpace” which is … a vacant lot. Technically, it’s only temporarily a vacant lot, soon it will be a Duane Reade or a deli or a bank or whatever it is they build in Manhattan these days. Until then, the real estate developers are letting the artist types put whatever they like up. It’s nice, actually.

Worst Home Depot ever

Along for guest judging duties is the awesomely named Yvonne Force Villereal, co-founder of  the Art Production Fund. Somehow the thick glasses, long scarf and  proto-jumpsuit make me suspect that Yvonne Force Villereal is a superhero in disguise. The Art Production Fund as you may have cleverly guessed, funds art, especiallu public art. Their most famous project involved the installation of a Prada Store in the hinterlands of Texas, complete with Prada products but not open to the public seeing as it was a “sculpture” and not an actual store. This distinction was lost on the folks who broke in and stole the Prada products a few days after installation. Who could have seen that coming? Besides everybody, I mean.

The challenge, obviously, is to construct a piece of public art. It’s like regular art, except it has to be big, boring, theft-proof and vandal-proof because let’s face it, the public sucks. Have you met us? Odds are it will be urinated on within minutes of unveiling.

They will work in teams because the project will require construction and because it’s a great way to generate conflict. I know it’s pretty standard to have team projects on these shows, but the fit on an artist-centered show seems particularly awkward. Even big art projects have a lead artist or are done by long-time collaborators. Project Runway usually has the sense to put someone in charge.

They are divided into two leaderless teams. Miles, Peregrine, Erik and Jaclyn are on one, leaving Ryan, Abdi, Mark, and Nicole on the other. They start to scope out the space, hoping to be inspired by elegant lines of a construction site.

Miles, determined to cling to his napping theme, wants to create a little hiding space up high. A tree house, basically. Just like the one back home in the magic forest. Jacklyn rejects this idea, presumably because it will be hard to men to violate her with their eyes if she’s stuck in a tree house. Erik would like a vine; I have no idea why. Eventually the idea becomes modified into a big platform that curves up to form an overhang. A sideless tree house, all the better for someone to fall off and sue the city.

Over on the other team, Nicole is inspired by the gravel. Given that the inspiration choices are gravel, chain link fence and the crack addict mumbling to himself nearby, she made the right decision. She envisions a geometric series of rocks ranging from small to large. Ryan reminds here that in New York small = stealable (see “problem with public,” above) unless they figure out a way to fasten those suckers down. It’s adorable how Ryan thinks the art will be worth stealing. You keep dreaming, sweet hipster.

Back at the studio, the artists are confounded with having to actually construct said art. Even with two days, the project is daunting. Lucky for Miles’ team, he’s had lot of building experience from his days toiling in Santa’s workshop. Over on the other team, Mark can weld, which would be very useful if their project involved welding. Ryan’s father is a carpenter with one thumb (you can probably figure out why) a skill he appears to have completely failed to pass down to Ryan (the carpentry, I mean, not the ability to sever appendages, although that too, I guess).

Naturally, Miles’ woodworking skills complete Erik’s sense of emasculation. How can a wood nymph be better at dude stuff like carpentry? And how can a chick with fake tits think her opinions matter as much as his? Did they not see his tattoos? His crappy art? He rides a motorcycle for fucks sake! He seems to be OK with Peregrine, though. I think her outfits give him little mini-strokes and he forgets her existence. Or maybe that’s what her outfits do to me.

I can’t decide if that’s safety gear or just the hat she decided to wear.

Erik’s rage is further fueled by the groups continued rejection of his terrible ideas. The vine is out. Understandably, if only for practical reasons. Where were they going to get a vine on short notice? His next idea is scales, put forward with some weird explanation having to do with the earth or something, but really put forward for the following reasons. (1) Snakes fit the motorcycle tattoo badass cliché he’s molded himself into. I somewhat surprised he didn’t suggest shark fins or a tiger mural (although it does make the ‘vine’ suggestion all that more mysterious. Perhaps there’s a hidden gardener under there somewhere). (2) He wants to slap something on the piece to call his own, whether or not it makes the piece any better.

The second view is reinforced when Baron von Gunn announces that there should, in fact, be something about the piece each individual can point to as their contribution. This requirement then vanishes in the mist sometime between helping wreak havoc within Team Treehouse and judging.

I’d have more sympathy for Erik being continually shut down by his team mates if the ideas weren’t solely to get “his part” on there. When you come at the piece from that angle rather than “how can I make the piece better?” you’re guaranteed to be contributing something at odds with the art as the idea is designed to stand out from rather than improve the work. Also, Erik behaves like a pouty baby. A big tattooed baby that calls Miles a “stuck up art pussy” behind his back.

Team Rocks gets along swimmingly, Sadly they find out that it’s very hard to build irregular shapes. Turns out there’s a reason boxes have only six sides! By the way, this is why the paper on Battlestar Galactica always irritated me – the paper that’s just like regular paper, except the corners are cut off. It takes at most four cuts to make your regular old four-sided paper – a very efficient system.  Yet somehow an entire civilization decided it would be a great idea to then make four more cuts, just to get rid of the corners. I picture piles of discarded paper corners filling up the dumps on Caprica. I am convinced this is what drove the Cylons to exterminate their creators.

Hmm, where was I? Oh yes, public art. Eventually, after their grand plans are whittled and misshapen into smaller scale disappointment, the teams load the art onto trucks bound for LentSpace. This leads to some hilarity with elevators and oversized art. Did not one think to measure beforehand? I know anyone who has moved between apartments can empathize. Dirk Gently certainly can.

“This is the suit I wear for working outside with tools.”

Out at the site, the teams have time to finish their work and try to figure out where it all went horribly wrong. Team Treehouse realizes that they have built a treehouse, and desperately cast about for a way to fix it. After rejecting the idea of spray paint (but thanks for playing, Erik!) they decide to make it as potentially dangerous as possible by slapping on shingles, scrap metal, glass shards, old razor blades and a rabid raccoon. OK, only the first two were actually tacked on.

Come on kid, I dare you to play on it.

Team Rocks finishes early, mostly because their art is a bunch of small fake rocks and one big fake rock. It resembles litter, which at least fits in with the ambience of a vacant lot.

It looks like someone stole the art and left the display base.

The judges arrive along with the mystery people that appear at all the shows. Yvonne Force Villereal is resplendent in a ginormous fur vest. Nice to see she supports the arts and still finds the time to kill and flay a bear on the way to judging. I think Mullet saw Yvonne, took one look at her own coat, cobbled from lint traps of a thousand dryers, and felt terribly one-upped. China regrets not having time to change on her way back from her starring role in Peter Pan.

“… so then I put down the rifle, whipped out my hunting knife and viola! A vest is born.”

The judges do their best with what’s clearly a bad lot, as so many Bravo judges have done before them. They gamely crawl into the treehouse and stand on the “boulder,” especially after Ryan bravely demonstrates that it won’t collapse, at least not yet. Beardy admires the cedar small of the treehouse. Enjoy it while it lasts, Beardy. The public has yet to smear it’s many foul smelling fluids upon it.

Back at the studio, it quickly becomes clear that Team Rocks has nothing to worry about as a fleet of buses pulls up to the studios and Team Treehouse gamely throws itself beneath its oncoming wheels of blame. Erik complains that they rejected all his ideas, although they protest that the crappy metal shingles were a crappy interpretation of his crappy scale idea.

Erik reads a note that Jaclyn slipped into his pocket urging him to try and convince the team of why his ideas should be used, clearly expecting the judges to share his derision. He seems genuinely shocked when Beardy observes it’s not bad advice, however ineptly delivered. Erik retreats further into his sulk, snarking that Jaclyn must have been sincere since “she’s not smart enough to sabotage me.” She doesn’t have to sabotage you Erik, you’re doing a fine job sabotaging yourself. Eventually China has to step in to break things up, wondering to herself if Padma or Heidi ever have to put up with this shit.

Surprise! Mullet actually likes the treehouse, even though she also complains you couldn’t leave your child alone there, unlike so many other public art works where you can abandon your child for hours on end. They know how to take the subway home, right?

The team explains they oriented the treehouse to face the most open part of the horizon. Baldy points out that the view is unobstructed because it’s where the World Trade Center used to be. Hmmmm. No one is sure what to do with this information. At any rate, there will soon be new buildings up there soon! Yup, any day now … lotsa buildings … any day now …

Team Rocks files in, leaving Team Treehouse in the waiting room to continue their fight. Everyone but Erik dramatically marches out, only to be corralled by Bravo interns and tasered back into the holding pen.

The judges actually find nice things to say about Team Rocks, except Baldy, who is unusually silent. China calls it a “modern Stonehenge.” Yes, a Stonehenge for very, very small people and without the solar calendar and druidic rituals. Although the prospect of blood sacrifices does add to the artiness of the piece. I suspect the public can also provide this service, unrequested, within a few days of opening.

To make a long, late recap that much shorter, Team Rock wins! They get to pick the winner, because the whole “define what you contributed” thing did not work out at all. Abdi and Mark, realizing that they neither deserve nor want credit for modern Stonehenge, say it should be Nicole or Ryan. When Ryan realizes there’s no prize or immunity associated with winning, he cedes to Nicole. So yay, I guess, for Nicole.

Team Treehouse, in so very many ways, has lost. Jaclyn has immunity, and Peregrine is safe because she kept her mouth shut, leaving Miles and Erik on the block. There’s a huge amount of absolutely no suspense. There’s no way adorable ragamuffin Miles is going home before biker poseur Erik. Indeed, Erik goes home. He continues to be a complete bastard in his goodbyes.

While I can’t say I’m sad to see him go, I wish it had been for an individual challenge. Now he can go home and complain that he was eliminated for work that wasn’t even his, when he should have been sent home for the terrible artwork that was his. At least New York got a treehouse and a new sacrifical altar out of it. Commence your befouling, general public.

brilliantmistake | 07.22.10 | Filed in Recaps,Work of Art