It’s another episode of this ridiculous show, and things are heating up! Just kidding, we waste a lot of time this week, which is saying a lot for this show. Although the whole cast seems to have relocated to Mississippi, probably because of the fact that Louisiana seems like it’s on its way to being completely covered in oil. Luckily for HBO, BP and FEMA are complete and total assholes, which relegates True Blood to being merely the third worst thing to ever happen to Louisiana. Anyway, this infernal show is spilling out across state borders to pollute even more of our great nation, and it shows NO SIGNS OF STOPPING. And I’ll continue to document it and hate myself, as always.

The episode begins with Talbot being – what else? – super gay, complaining that Tara doesn’t match the decor. What? Yes, he complains that a HUMAN doesn’t match his DRAPES, which means they’ve run out of gay things for him to complain about and now they’re just making him say things that literally make no sense. I hate Talbot. But Franklin calls him the “cleaning lady,” which is kind of perfect. And then they start doing that stupid showing-each-other-their-fangs thing, which has never intimidated anyone.

Yawn.

Before things can get even gayer, Lorena, the King, and Bill stroll in, all covered in blood and having a jovial time after eating that stripper. Tara’s like, “Bill?” and Bill’s like, “Goddamnit, I thought I was free from you.” Anyway, Franklin wants to give the King something, which leaves Tara to ask Bill for help. Bill just says, “No,” earning him some much-needed points with me. Just let her rot, Bill.

In the study, Franklin gives the King all the info on Sookie and Bill he has. And then they argue over whether Franklin should get his money via direct deposit or cash. I truly cannot care less over what form of payment the King uses to pay his Vampire Document Hunters. Also, Lorena tries to sleep with Bill but he calls her a cow. Bill’s on a roll tonight!

In Jackson, Alcide is driving super fast. So I guess he didn’t turn into a werewolf, then? He explains that when “the energy” starts moving, he can’t help himself and has to turn into a werewolf. But… you didn’t turn into a werewolf. This explanation makes no sense. Anyway, Sookie yells mean things about Debbie, which makes Alcide slam on the brakes and then Sookie is like, “JK I just said that to make you slow down.” Great plan!

And now Eric is dragged into the King’s house because this show seems to be setting us up for everyone to live in the King’s house together like the world’s worst version of the Brady Bunch. Talbot gets a huge fucking boner all over Eric because WE MUST NEVER FORGET TALBOT IS GAY. Eric asks the King permission to hunt for Bill because he’s selling V, and the King is like, “No he’s not,” and Bill is like, “Look behind you, Eric,” and Eric is like, “Okay, you guys got me, I’m on your side now.” That was easy!

“Did you like my DRAMATIC ENTRANCE? I rehearsed all day.”

At Alcide’s house, Sookie wakes up to hear Alcide and Debbie screaming at each other in the living room and OH MY GOD I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT THESE TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND THEIR HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP. Can we just skip all this bullshit and let Sookie and Alcide sleep together? Because obviously they’re being driven into each other’s arms. Anyway, Debbie doesn’t want Alcide to tell people about her branding or whatever, even though it looks like to me all the werewolves in the WORLD were at that stupid party. Then Sookie walks in and Debbie wants to have a girl fight, but Sookie just wants to make her feel bad for leaving a man who loves her so much. Give it a rest, Sookie. Stop preaching about love when you’re in the middle of a Jerry Springer episode. Punch the bitch!

Alcide: “I am uncomfortable with all the yelling, so I’ll just flex my abs.”

Meanwhile, Tara is tied to a bed in a gown, and acting like she loves it because it turns out Franklin is super crazy. I love how there’s no explanation whatsoever for why Franklin went from a manipulative mastermind to batshit insane in a matter of days. This show is just like, “Franklin is crazy now and Tara is super calm and collected in the face of almost certain death, so just throw everything you thought you knew about these characters out the window because they’re now COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.”

Anyway, Franklin sees a text on Tara’s phone from Lafayette and gets jealous and threatens to rip her throat out. Do it! Don’t wait to hear who Lafayette is! But it’s too late, and Tara explains it’s her gay cousin. So she tells him what to text so that Lafayette isn’t suspicious. And then Franklin shows off his SUPER-FAST TEXTING SKILLS which is officially the LAMEST VAMPIRE POWER EVER. And he does it twice, as if I needed twice the reasons to hate myself for continuing to watch this garbage.

“Look how lame I am!”

“Me too! We’re the perfect couple.”

At the sheriff’s office: SASSY BLACK COP. Good, please inject some humanity into this piece of shit. She’s giving Dumb Cop some advice on mulch or something when Jason strolls in and announces that he’s a cop now. Sassy Black Cop is really happy about this news. Fooled you! She’s actually like this:

“Am I the only person who’s actually aware of how stupid this show is?”

Andy gives Jason a desk and Jason says he wants to be in the field and Andy is like, “No, you have to earn that right,” and I’m like, “I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF JASON STACKHOUSE AS HE VERY SLOWLY WORKS HIS WAY UP THE LADDER AT THE LOCAL POLICE STATION, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

Oh god, but it gets worse: Sam’s family is moving into some house that Sam randomly owns. But, uh oh! Tommy is throwing his stuff at his dad too hard! Sam wants Tommy to apologize, but their dad said that Tommy will, “make it up to [him] in private,” which comes across as super incest-rapey. Dear god, just what this show needs: incest rape. Terry shows up and announces he’s moving in with Arlene, who conveniently lives across the street. NO TIME FOR THIS, TERRY. Sam offers up his creepy, rapey, perpetually naked father as a handyman to his pregnant, often-almost-murdered employee because Sam is literally the worst boss I have ever fucking seen in my entire life. If Arlene gets murdered, Sam better go to jail once and for all.

“Anyone need a rapin’?”

At Alcide’s, Sookie is doing her nails or something (shouldn’t you be looking for BILL??!! BILL?!!! DO YOU KNOW WHERE BILL COMPTON IS??!!!) when she hears Alcide thinking that he needs to talk to his “Pack Master,” which sounds like the name of an S&M gay porn. Sookie asks him what a Pack Master is, and he explains the hierarchy of a werewolf pack to her. Oh, for fuck’s sake. I can barely muster the energy to care about vampire beurocracy – do I really need to sit here and learn the political intricacies of another made-up society? THIS SHOW NEEDS TO STOP WITH THE CIVICS LESSONS. Sookie wants to go along to meet the Pack Master, because all she ever does these days is Go Along With Someone When They Tell Her To Just Stay Home.

Meanwhile, Jason is SO FRUSTRATED because his job is NOT AS SATISFYING AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY HOPED WHEN HE APPLIED FOR THE POSITION. Oh, brother. Is this really what we’ve come to now? Watching a montage of Jason being bored at work? Why is this even happening to me right now?

Also, Tara has escaped from her knots and is sneaking outside. She makes it out the door but is chased down by a fucking werewolf because of course she is. The wolf tackles her and shifts, and now she’s got a naked Cooter on top of her!

At Merlotte’s, Cute Nurse who is taking care of Lafayette’s Crazy Mother is here and wants to be Lafayette’s boyfriend. He also apparently has no life, because he says he’ll hang out at Merlotte’s for NINE HOURS while Lafayette finishes work. Um, what? This is a maaaaajor warning sign that this guy is seriously crazy, because who has that kind of time? This manages to turn what could have been an adorable gay love story into CREEPY STALKING.

Sookie and Alcide meet up with the Pack Master, who is just some old dude. He tells them not to do anything and that basically they’re all fucked. Sookie hears the Pack Master thinking that he’s scared shitless and doesn’t know what to do about the King, which is a hilariously concise and informative thought process to have at that exact minute.

Meanwhile, SHIRTLESS WET JASON ALERT:

He’s washing the police cars, but then he sees that blonde lady who was standing in the woods go driving by. So he jumps in the police car and pulls her over, asking for her license and registration while still shirtless. She refuses and they do some flirting, but he kind of kills the mood by asking why she was crying in the woods. She tells him her name is Crystal, he invites her to Merlotte’s later, and she says no and drives off. FINALLY we get a character with a mysteriously ambiguous backstory on this show.

At Merlotte’s, Cute Nurse is being super creepy and watching Lafayette as he cooks for nine hours. Get a second job, Cute Nurse! Also, Jessica and Tommy seem like they’re falling in love now? This town is fucking ridiculous. Arlene insults Jessica, so Jessica glamours a couple into not tipping Arlene, which is actually a kind of awesome use of vampire powers. Hoyt strolls in on a date with some skank, so Tommy takes advantage of Jessica’s vulnerable state to hit on her more. But then Tommy gets interrupted by a phone call from his dad, who is mad about something, OF COURSE. Go away, Mickens family.

At the King’s, Franklin can’t understand why Tara tried to escape. She says she likes him, but she’s scared of all the other vampires. Turns out Tara is some sort of Crazy Vampire Manipulation Mastermind, because she totally controls this guy’s emotions. Meanwhile, the King no longer trusts Bill or something, because Bill won’t admit to keeping a dossier on Sookie. Ugh, I don’t care whether or not the King trusts Bill.

“But do you like my comfy track jacket?”

Jason is waiting for Crystal at Merlotte’s, but Andy sits down and says that Jason is promoted to a deputy as long as he can pass the written test. Because so far, what with his stealing police cars to ask hot chicks for their numbers, Jason has made an EXCELLENT addition to the police force. Also, Cute/Creepy Nurse is playing pool with Lafayette because I guess 9 hours have just flown by.

In the back, Tommy asks Sam if he can crash at his house tonight. Sam wants to know what’s going on with his dad, but Tommy is like, “Nothing…” even though he’s got a super incest-rape-victimy look on his face.

Someone strolls into Bill’s room and he jumps up all super-fast and dramatic. Haha, relax, Bill. You’ve got a comfy track jacket on, take it easy! It’s Cooter, and he’s here to tell Bill that Sookie is having sex with a werewolf, because Cooter hates Bill for whatever reason. Guess what happens? Yep, another werewolf gets his ass kicked by a vampire because werewolves are PUSSIES. Then the guard comes in to see what all the noise is, and BIll shoves his face against the silver door so he can escape.

“TELL ME YOU LIKE MY COMFY TRACK JACKET!”

Outside Merlotte’s, Jason is leaving, but he finds Crystal, who said she couldn’t go into the bar for some reason. Then they go have sex against a tree. Okay, whatever, great.

At Sam’s, he and Tommy are watching TV when their dad comes bursting in, all crazy. He wants to take Tommy home, but Sam is like, “No, he’s staying here,” and Dad is like, “Okay, bye.” That was bizarre. What the FUCK is going on, and what does this have to do with anything?

Also, Tara is hungry and all she was given to eat was a bunch of flowers! Franklin says they can go out for dinner together to celebrate her last night as a human. Oh, no. Please don’t make Tara immortal.

“You mean I’m going to be awful… forever?”

Meanwhile, Talbot is giving Eric a tour of the King’s place, and Eric finds a crown in a cabinet. Then it’s VIKING FLASHBACK TIME. The crown belonged to his dad, it turns out. In the flashback, Eric’s dad wants him to get married, but Eric just wants to fuck chicks. His dad is like, “You have to learn how to be king!” and Eric is like, “No way, man, I just want to rock and roll!” So he goes to fuck some milkmaid and then when he’s getting it on his entire family is MURDERED BY WEREWOLVES. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Of course they are! Wow, this just got even MORE stupid. As his father is being eaten alive by a wolf, Eric ignores him and runs to cry over his dead mother. Um, a little help here, son? Finally, Eric grabs a knife and stabs a werewolf, which turns into a muppet:

STUFFED ANIMAL ATTACK!

Another wolf kills his dad and brings the crown to someone outside in a cloak, who is obviously the King of Mississippi. Back in the present, Eric is thinking, “I have to kill everyone.”

Meanwhile, Alcide wakes Sookie up because Bill’s here. Sookie runs to him, and he says she has to run away with Alcide. She wants to know why, but Cooter and the King are here to beat everyone up! Cooter grabs Sookie, but she does her stupid fucking lightning hand thing on his face. Everyone is like, “Whuuuut?” and that’s the end of the episode.

I, personally, can’t wait to find out if Jason Stackhouse finds his job any more professionally satisfying next week!

T-bag | 07.22.10 | Filed in Recaps,True Blood