True Blood: Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone (Because Of Her Fairy Blood)
It’s the penultimate episode of True Blood! Can you believe it? It feels like we’ve been watching this season for CENTURIES. Like Russell Edgington, King of Mississippi and Louisiana! HAHAHAHA. Classic vampire humor. As you can see, this episode has clearly made me insane, because it was stupid. Also, it seems like we’re setting up the main villain for Season Four, and guess what? IT’S A BABY. Yikes. Gross. How many episodes into season four until we see someone stabbing a demon baby in the FACE? Don’t think Alan Ball won’t show it! He’s a depraved lunatic! Anyway, let’s get to the recap. (Or as they probably say in Bon Temps, “Were-cap.” Ugh.)
The episode begins with Bill storming into Fangtasia, screaming for Sookie. How often are these two going to keep getting captured, for Christ’s sake? It’s getting pretty old. Anyway, Pam says that Sookie’s not there anymore, so then Bill tries to intimidate Pam, which is SO adorable. She tries to tell him that there’s something bigger going on that his annoying relationship, but he doesn’t care because he’s awful. Thankfully, Pam maces him. Wait, there’s Vampire Mace? Of course there’s Vampire Mace. We go to credits, as if we’re supposed to be worried about Bill’s well-being or something. But we’re not.
In the basement, that stupid hooker comes running down to free Sookie. They go upstairs, and Bill and Pam are still fighting and macing each other. This is a lame fight. Sookie grabs a silver chain (so many silver chains on this show! Are they really that easy to find? I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a silver chain) and wraps it around Pam’s throat. Sookie then threatens her with the Vampire Mace (not the Vampire Mace!!!) and asks why she was held down there. Pam says it was to give her up to Russell to save them all. Then the hooker says that she’s actually a secret cardiologist? WHAT? What does this have to do with ANYTHING?
This is really satisfying.
Meanwhile, Jesus and Lafayette are finally coming down from the lamest drug trip ever. And now Jesus is a drug addict? Jesus turns into a scary demon face for a second and Jesus is like, “Why are you looking at me so weird? Let’s take drugs and have sex.” Right. So Jesus seriously just went from Mr. Won’t-Date-A-Drug-Dealer to Mr. Needs-Drugs-Constantly in the matter of, like, 24 hours. Ugh, this fucking show.
At Jason’s house, Crystal actually utters the phrase “were-panther,” AS IF IT’S AN ACTUAL THING. Arrrgghhh this is stupid. Jason leaves her alone to go find Sookie and ask if he can please be a part of the main plot of the show again instead of dealing with this retarded shit.
“What is there to be confused about? I’m a stupid magical creature that makes no sense!”
At Bill’s house, Jessica and Hoyt are getting it AWN. But Jessica tells Hoyt about the trucker she murdered, and he’s like, “Drink blood from me!” Young love. Somehow Hoyt looks much skinnier without his shirt on than he does with it. This makes me uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Russell has killed some guards so he can admire art in a museum? Right, okay. Eric enters and they talk about how Talbot had to die because blah blah blah werewolves killing the Viking king blah blah blah stupid bullcrap. Russell wants to kill Eric, but Eric is like, “I have fairy blood that will let you become a daywalker.” Daywalker! They actually said that word! How about instead of airing season four, HBO just gives us a marathon of all three Blade movies? That would be better.
In the car, Bill decides now is the time to scold Sookie for going to Fangtasia. Shut up, Bill. Then Bill gets all emotional and jealous about Eric. I can’t say it enough: SHUT UP, BILL. Bill’s like, “Let’s start fresh!” which is gag-inducing.
About as enthused to be on this road trip as I am.
Oh good, and now Tara is crying over Eggs’s grave. Good god, WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT EGGS???? Eggs was so worthless! Tara knew him for like four days! AND HIS NAME WAS EGGS. Ugh.
At Merlotte’s, Holly is like, “Let’s do a witchcraft abortion!” and Arlene is like, “Okay!” Because two days ago Arlene was making the cross symbol with her fingers at the sight of a vampire’s fangs, but today she is ALL ABOUT the witchcraft abortions. Because, you know, character consistencies.
SPEAKING of character consistencies: Sam is now suddenly an alcoholic who calls his bar patrons ugly because he is suddenly sad about his SECRET MURDEROUS DIAMOND THIEF PAST. Words fail me.
Jason is now at the football stadium where the new high school quarterback is practicing! HA! This is actually a plot we’re following? Fine, let’s do this. The new QB’s girlfriend is like, “Naggy nag I’m a one-dimensional female harpy character.” Jason notices that the QB is throwing the football really hard. OH NO, HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SCANDAL IN BON TEMPS. Barf.
He’s a WERE-FAVRE!
Meanwhile, Hoyt’s midget ex-girlfriend is talking to Hoyt’s mom? And Hoyt’s mom wanted the midget to date Hoyt so he was distracted from Jessica? Why are these two actual, legitimate characters now?
Tara strolls into Merlotte’s, and I get that sinking feeling because I know she’s just going to drink tequila and yell things at people because her life is just SO HARD. But instead she strolls over to Andy and sits there and stares at him to make him uncomfortable, before telling him she knows about Eggs. UGH. I’ve said it a million times before, but I hate how in one scene Tara can be a sobbing, drunk, raging, uncontrollable emotional BITCH and then in the next scene she can be a totally calm psychologically manipulative genius.
Suddenly she’s Ms. Tough Girl Intimidating The Sheriff? NOPE.
In the back of Merlotte’s, Sam wants Tommy to wait on tables, but Tommy doesn’t want to wait on tables! Yikes, this is really a test of Sam’s management abilities! Tommy eventually decides he’ll wait on some tables! CRISIS AVERTED.
Meanwhile, on this horrible road trip, Bill is still on his, “Let’s have a fresh start!” kick. Sookie joins in and is all, “Let’s imagine we’re normal!” and Bill is like, “We’re married! And you’re a real estate agent! And I teach third grade!” There is literally not enough barf in me to express how I feel about this scene. Oh, also, Eric and Russell capture Sookie and Bill. Because Sookie and Bill LOVE being captured.
Out in the woods, Holly is doing some witchcraft, which you just KNOW is going to go wrong. If she fucking summons another maenad or, even worse yet, creates a demon baby, I’m going to be soooo pissed. But we all know she’s making a demon baby, who are we kidding. Holly tells Arlene to follow the directions for the potion EXACTLY, otherwise, oops! Demon baby! Arlene is like, “Durrrrrrr, I’m going to ruin everything.” Holly makes her drink the potion and then after she drinks it, Holly’s like, “Oh, BTW, this potion might actually not kill your baby and it might even make it a super-strong evil killer gotta run bye!!!” Holly sucks at being a witch.
Meanwhile, the QB is still practicing, because he is very strong or whatever. Who cares. Jason tells him he knows he’s taking V, and he’s going to tell everyone. The new QB is like, “My coach gave it to me, my parents paid for it, and the principal uses it for sex.” HAHAHA! Oh no! WHO WILL CLEAN UP THE FICTIONAL DRUG CORRUPTION IN THIS FICTIONAL TOWN?
And now Lafayette’s dolls are talking to him in demon voices. Enough said about that.
Why are we visiting the poor man’s version of the Island of Misfit Toys?
Russell and Eric bring Sookie and Bill back to Fangtasia, and Eric tells Bill to hit him. They fake fight, and then when Russell brings Sookie inside the bar, Eric is like, “I have a plan.” Don’t tell Bill! He’ll fuck it up!
At Merlotte’s, Tara and Sam are being generally awful and drunk. Then they start having sex. Why not, right? Good, enjoy yourselves. GET OFF MY TV. But also Tommy is cracking into a safe or something? Whatever, these people should all die in the season finale.
Meanwhile, slow-motion fishing flashbacks are happening? Arlene is talking to her mom and supposed to be like 16 or something, but she still looks 55, just with shorter hair. Terry wakes her up and she’s bleeding like crazy. Arlene is happy her baby is dead, Terry is sad. I’m dreading when we find out that it’s not dead and it’s, like, eating its way out or something.
“I don’t still look like I’m going through menopause, right?”
Jason comes home and finds his were-panther girlfriend (ugh). Then they start having sex or whatever, but she wants to go to her town to save her family from the meth raid? Uh, the last time we saw the sheriff, he was eating a fucking plate full of chicken wings all alone at Merlotte’s. PRETTY SURE THIS METH RAID IS NOT REALLY THAT IMMINENT.
At Fangtasia, Russell can’t believe Sookie is a fairy. Join the fucking club. Bill tells him that it’s true and that also he walked in the sunlight after he drank her blood. Russell AND Sookie both seem to believe that Eric and Bill are suddenly on Russell’s side, even though they’ve both lied about this in the past, like, four days? Why are Russell and Sookie so fucking STUPID? This is the dumbest fucking 3,000 year old guy ever. Anyway, Russell makes Eric drink Sookie’s blood with him.
In the hospital, the doctor comes in and is like, “You’re not losing the baby. But now it’s super evil!” UGH, just kill the fucking thing. We all know what’s coming, and I know it’s going to be lame.
“I’ll become a major character in season four and will eventually be revealed to ACTUALLY be Santa Claus.”
“Now we make sense!”
Outside Fangtasia, Eric walks in the sunlight. Then Russell joins him when he sees it’s okay, but the effect is already slowing and Eric and Russell are starting to burn up! Eric handcuffs Russell to himself and says they’re both going to die together. This is not suspenseful in the slightest because A) Isn’t Russell stronger, so can’t he just run back inside and pull Eric with him? and B) Eric is obviously not going to die. Whatever.
“Everyone can blame me for ruining the fourth season!”
In two weeks, the season finale airs and then we can all go back to living our normal, sane lives and we’ll spend 9 blissful months in which we (hopefully) will not see people fucking in puddles of blood with backwards heads, NOT EVEN ONCE. It’s going to be so wonderful!