True Blood: I Rescind This Show’s Invitation Into My LIFE
Finally, FINALLY our long national nightmare is over, and True Blood is disappearing for a year. Is it just me, or when you woke up this morning did the birds seem louder and the grass felt softer? But then I remembered that I had to write this recap and I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND CUT MY HAIR, because that is what we do when life gets too hard. Let’s jump into the recap, and be prepared for lots of anger because nothing makes sense and also SPOILER ALERT: Alan Ball is already hard at work on making Season Four twice as horrible as Season Three! Hooray!
Anyway, the episode starts with Russell and Eric slowly roasting in the sun. Eric will be fine, FYI, but for now let’s pretend we’re nervous. Also, why doesn’t Russell just pull Eric inside? Isn’t he like the strongest vampire ever or something? But there’s no time to focus on that flawed logic because Godric’s ghost is here to tell Eric to forgive Russell. Barrrrrrrf. I literally don’t have enough barf in me to express how I feel about this latest development.
Sookie wakes up from her magical chandelier dream (what? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, GHOST GODRIC IS HERE) and she’s mad at Bill again, because for some reason she doesn’t understand that he was only pretending to want to eat her. Haven’t they had this conversation 100 times this season? Sookie hears what Eric’s doing and she runs outside to save him. Even though she literally puts a hit out on him, like, 15 minutes later. Uggghhhh.
Sookie can’t open the handcuffs (her plan was to try to pull handcuffs apart with her bare hands, apparently), so Russell turns into Yoda and advises her to use her magical forcefield powers. Uh, what is going on? Is Sookie trying to save Russell? Is Russell trying to help her save Eric? What is happening? Anyway, Russell yells at Sookie so she lightning-blasts the handcuffs and then she lightning-blasts Russell in the FACE and then she drags Eric inside.
Meanwhile, Tara is mad about something or other and I honestly don’t even know what it is anymore. Oh, yeah, but I forgot that she had sex with Sam because he’s all mad about his secret con man past. I hope these two die this episode!!!! Sam comes out of the shapeshifter closet. Because of gay metaphors.
Uh oh, now Eric won’t stop drinking Sookie’s blood! Oh wait, now he’s done. Phew! Close call! I was so nervous! Eric wants to bring Russell back inside because Godric’s ghost wants him to forgive him or something? I don’t know, whatever, Sookie drags Russell inside and they chain him to the stripper pole.
Tara reacts to Sam coming out as a shapeshifter by remaining calm and logical and not at all angry and keeping the conversation focused around him rather than making it all about her. And if you’ve never seen the show, let me explain that I was being sarcastic because she does the EXACT OPPOSITE OF ALL THOSE THINGS.
Meanwhile, Russell is looking great!:
Everyone wants Eric to kill Russell, but Eric doesn’t because of ghost advice. But he does punch Russell, which is kind of a non-issue when you’re already burnt to a crisp. Sookie is left to guard Russell because all the vampires have to go to bed now. Also she’s mad at all the vampires, but I don’t really know why. Does she still think Bill and Eric actually want to eat her? Settle down, Sookie.
The DEA is in town! Now Jason wants to be a DEA agent, probably. Jason and Andy are panicking about something. I think Jason wants to go rescue all the meth dealers because of Crystal? Who cares? Where is this leading? What is the point? Why am I not fast-forwarding?
Meanwhile, Tara is having the ultimate pity party:
Hoyt shows up at work and his mom and ex-girlfriend are there to have an intervention. Don’t care about this, moving on. At Merlotte’s, Lafayette is having witch vision again or whatever. Also don’t care about this, also moving on.
At Fangtasia, Russell tries to strike the worst deal ever: He gives Sookie $5 million and his mansion and in return she lets him free and allows him to enslave and murder the entire human race. I kind of want her to let him free because if the entire human race gets wiped out then that means Tara will finally die, but Sookie doesn’t take it. Russell is horrible at making deals. Also Sookie dumps Talbot’s guts down the garbage disposal and laughs like a maniac. Apparently Sookie is now insane, the way people sometimes randomly get on this show.
Temporarily insane for 30 seconds, just like normal people.
Jason and Crystal to go try to get all the meth people to leave and then Crystal’s brother/lover SHOOTS HIS DAD IN THE FACE. Uh, wtf?
Sam finds Terry crying outside, because Terry is happy the baby is okay. Thanks for checking in, Terry, but we just don’t have time for you! See you next season when you try to raise a demon baby! Sam goes inside and his house has been robbed, probably by his awful brother.
Andy wants to be respected by the DEA agent. The DEA agent wants Andy to buy him some cigarettes. None of this matters.
It’s good to see sg-dub and brilliantmistake are able to find work.
Jason lets Crystal be taken as a hostage to presumably be repeatedly raped by her drug-addled brother. Jason is really a terrible police officer. Like, worse than I could have imagined. Also, in exchange for letting her be kidnapped (for some reason she wants to go with or something?) Crystal gives Jason as a parting present 50 meth-addled homeless inbred freaks. WHAAAT? THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING EVER. Jason is like, “I am completely okay with this for some reason.”
“I fucked an inbred were-panther and all I got were these stupid orphans.”
Tara comes home and finds her mom having sexxxxx with the reverend. Oh, good, now Tara will finally have something she can scream at everyone about.
Sam storms into Merlotte’s and discovers his safe is missing. Also Lafayette is having more hallucinations. Sam loads a gun and leaves, and Lafayette uses a payphone (seriously? He doesn’t have a cell phone?) to call Jesus.
Alcide is back, ladies! He walks into Fangtasia and 100 women watching the show immediately get pregnant. Sexual tension happens between him and Sookie. Eric, Pam, and Bill come back from their Vampire Sleepytime and all the men make eyes at each other as if they’re all really tough. Bill and Eric take Russell away, and Pam goes home. Thanks for stopping in, Alcide!
Obligatory Alcide screencap.
At the sheriff’s office, Jason is dragged in for tipping off the meth dealers. So he didn’t even hide? God is he stupid. But then he says, “Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing to do,” because Jason is suddenly a wise old sage full of thought-provoking statements.
Jesus comes to Merlotte’s and tells Lafayette that he’s a witch. What? Yes, he is a witch. And Lafayette is also a witch now. It seems like it’s really easy to become a witch. Lafayette falls even more in love with Jesus for some reason.
“Sorry, I accidentally made you a witch.”
It’s that time of year, everyone! Tara is considering suicide again! Just fucking do it already. But instead, she takes some scissors and give us a VERY EMOTIONAL HAIR-CUTTING SCENE. Uh, what? She comes downstairs and tells Sookie, “I just needed to make a change.” Congratulations, you’re still the worst. Sookie and Tara have dinner, and then Tara drives off. HOPEFULLY FOREVER. I hope she drives to the coast and gets a job on an oil rig that explodes.
New look, same AWFUL.
Eric and Bill are getting rid of Russell by burying him in cement for 100 years? What? Why? Isn’t 100 years nothing to someone who’s like 4,000 years old? WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL HIM? But no, they bury him alive and Godric’s ghost disappears like the end of every episode of Ghost Whisperer. Then Bill tricks Eric and buries him in cement, too. Why? Who cares. Then Bill mimics Eric’s voice (apparently a brand new vampire nonsense power) and orders a hit out on Pam.
Meanwhile, Hoyt and Jessica are buying a house and getting married. Okay, sure. Fine, I’m happy for them. But wait! Apparently there is an EVIL DOLL IN THE HOUSE. No, I’m not making this up. I really wish I was.
Bill and Sookie have a talk about their relationship. Bill says that he will bury everyone who knows about her in cement, because he loves her or something. Bill should bury himself in cement. They seem like they’re going to fall in love again, but then Eric shows up and reveals that Bill was originally sent here to bring Sookie to the Queen so she could have her fairy blood. Wait, what? Why didn’t the Queen just use her INCREDIBLE STRENGTH and MAGIC POWERS to capture Sookie instead of this Vampire Long Con in which she tricks her into falling in love with a vampire over the course of three years? Ugh, logic.
“I escaped the concrete in two seconds, but I’m positive there’s no way Russell will ever get out.”
Also, one other note: How did Eric get out of the cement but Russell didn’t? And why can’t vampires just fly their way out of cement in the first place? Is it garlic cement? SO MANY THINGS ARE NOT MAKING SENSE. Anyway, Sookie is mad at Bill, so she rescinds his invitation into her home, and he flies out the door feet-first because this show is fucking retarded.
The Queen (ugh, NOT THE QUEEN) shows up at Bill’s house and is like, “You said Sookie is here, where is she?” Bill is like, “TRICKED YOU INTO COMING HERE, AREN’T I SMART?” And then Bill says he wants to fight her to the death, which I already knew was going to happen because he’s wearing his favorite leather coat that he uses for fight scenes. (By the way, I LOVE that Bill got dumped and then ran home and quickly made sure to change into a leather jacket so he looks cool when he fights to the death later that night.) Then Bill and the Queen start MATRIX FLYING at each other, and it’s possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Thankfully, the internet is here to show you what I mean:
Sookie runs to her grandma’s grave, but then Stupid British Lady shows up and is like, “Come with us to our stupid fairy land!” Sookie and the British Fairy press their magical power rings together and summon Captain Planet:
Actually, they disappear. Hopefully forever. Goodbye, True Blood! I promise I won’t think about you once while you’re gone! Take your time coming back!
RIP, True Blood.