What follows is my season review of Phil’s mat mates and how they fared with him, in descending order of worst action to best. Having watched and recapped the entire season, I’ve picked up on several “tells” and nuances giving me special insight. Trust me. The following is pure fact.

From the cbs.com TAR FAQ:

Who are the local people that check in the Teams with Phil at each elimination? The “local greeters,” as they are known, embody some cultural aspect of whatever country we are in. They may be representatives of the country’s native people, or a respected member of the local government, or the person might hold a job commonly associated with the country, such as a fashion model in Italy.

Hmmm, interesting example. I’m sure Phil picked it. And by the way, here’s another FAQ I felt I should include:

What is Phil Keoghan’s secret to staying refreshed and healthy? Traveling the entire length of the racecourse is demanding enough, but staying ahead of the Teams can be exhausting. Because of this, host Phil Keoghan keeps to a very strict regimen, eating as healthily as the locations allow and abstaining from alcohol for the duration of the Race. Exercise is also very important. If his hotel has a gym, Phil will do a workout there; if not, he will jog. Phil has also been known to convert a train compartment into a personal gymnasium, doing chin-ups while hanging from the luggage racks and push-ups while balancing across the compartment’s two bench seats. To relax, Phil listens to a wide range of music that he’s downloaded into his ever-present iPod. And he bangs the mat mates a lot.

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12) Random janitor at the “End of the World,” Argentina:

This guy was one of the lamer mat mates of all time. He brought nothing to the table for us – or for Phil. Upon asking Phil what he was doing later, Phil lied and told him he was really tired. Minimal flirting and no teasing for this guy. “Get a job, hippie” said Phil.

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11) Hamid Karzai mofo, Zanzibar:

At first, Phil was definitely intrigued by the hard-looking man. He’d surely take control of the bedroom situation and Phil likes to be dominated every once in a while. Alas, due to the heat of the day and the gaminess of the man, Phil declined the offer – but politely and demurely with a smile.

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10) Horse-wrangler guy, Ecuador:

With hints of the cowboy archetype, Phil was receptive to this vaquero’s advances. “Usted tiene un pene grande,” said the stoic South American. “Si,” said Phil, “Paquete de Phil.” The two disappeared into a nearby tent for some Brokeback Mountain action, but when the cabellero wanted to el BareBack el Brokeback, Phil resisted and the two settled for mutual masturbation.

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9) Comfort Girl, Hong Kong:

In a shocking surprise, this lovely lass only slots in at number 9. What went wrong? I can assure you, it wasn’t Phil. No man can resist a beauty in a tight silken Chinese gown. Once the cameras stopped rolling, Phil made his move (a rare event, but Chinese women are notoriously demure) and began unzipping the dress… past the shoulder blades – no bra, nice! – down towards the soft curves of her sweet little ass… past the perfectly rounded cleft of her buttocks… Slowly she turned, the two locked eyes, PhilPackage awoke mightily and swiftly… and bumped into TrannyPackage! Not one for surprises, Phil punched him in the Adam’s Apple but still got some great head anyway.

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8 ) 18th Century Weirdo, Poland:

“Mustache rideski, Philski?” asked this rather odd looking man. Curiousity piqued, Phil decided to push his luck. “Muttonchop rides as well?” “Oh ya, for you, ya.” And with that the two men repaired to an empty sound proof music chamber and enjoyed each other. Only orally, of course, though from all reports that muttonchop ride was pretty intense.

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7) Your Everyday Pretty Girl, Guam:

Eh, she’s very pretty and I’m sure very nice. That’s what Phil was thinking when he bedded her in what was a rather perfunctory performance. Minimal foreplay, only two positions were acheived (missionary and scissor) – Phil had fun, sure, but when you are PhilPackage, this straight sex stuff gets pretty boring.

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6) Lustful Chick Wearing Trashcan on Head, Poland

I couldn’t find a better picture of this rather attractive woman but I think this shot of her giving Phil the eyes says it best. Those eyes are clearly saying, “Phil, underneath this tablecloth and trashcan on my head, I have a hot little body for you to explore.” Phil shot her a look back which said, “Yessss. After this freaking dwarf finishes stumbling and bumbling and we eliminate the Gaydos, we shall steal away to the castle here and get it on.” She Pole danced and offered the PhilPackage 4 positions. Not a bad night.

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5) Barely Legal, Macau:

Phil, a man of honor and integrity, was a bit unsure about this cutie upon introduction. He was assured by the city officials that the mat mate was “legal” but that was followed by, “Phil, dis is China! Everyting is wegal here!” As it turned out, the girl was 18 but her precious flower was as beautiful and untouched as the giant one stuck on her head here. Phil was on fire with the young (totally legal) woman, taking her virginity and giving her her first, second, 5th, and 9th “O faces” of her life.

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4) Studly Village Person, Chile:

Like Phil could deny him. Like he could deny Phil. They did it rough, hard, and savagely. This guy was lucky he kept his hardhat on with Phil “operating the jackhammer” from behind. ATM action, toys, light bondage, the works. Phil’s only issue was that this dude kept wanting to tongue kiss, and Phil’s not gay or nothin’.

3) Nubian Queen, Mozambique:

This lovely sister would not take no for an answer. She knew of Phil’s prowess and reputation before his arrival and prepared her hut for him. She gave it up every which way to Sunday and Phil happily and greedily accepted. Both she and Phil went all night, her chocolate mixing with his peanut butter. It was sweaty, it was happy, it was fun. The only downside was when Phil tried to videotape his conquest, the mat mate freaked out about having her soul stolen. (Has anyone else read “Henderson the Rain King?” I couldn’t help but thinking about Henderson and that African princess that fell “in love” with him and forced herself upon him on his adventure.)

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2) Hot Fortune Cookie Nookie, Malaysia:

One look at this exotic beauty and it was all over. Malaysia is a Muslim country but that hardly gave this woman pause. Schooled in the art erotic massage (of course) this sexpot toyed with Phil (and PhilPackage) – relaxing then exciting. Then relaxing then exciting. All. Night. Long. She was a 3 input girl and was all about giving Phil pleasure – only stopping a couple times to pray towards Mecca, which she did sitting on PhilPhace.

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1) Chile Willy, Chile:

So you’re Phil and you’re deep in the heart of Chile. You’re going about your duties as host of TAR and working your blackberry while getting hair and make-up, trying to choke down some catered llama burgers. “Hey, Phil, your mat mate has arrived.” Always curious as to what action, if any, you’ll get that night, you push aside the food, put down the PDA, and head out to the set. Then you see it: A cute li’l Chilean dwarf in a park ranger outfit. You immediately duck back into the hair and makeup tent and tell Sandy, your assistant, “San! Quick, Make me look my best! Give me the works! Yes, yes, trim my bush and shave my balls! Did you SEE what’s waiting for me out there?! A once in a lifetime experience!”

Never has the wait been so excrutiating for the TARsters to arrive. “Hey, Schmyrna, get the hell off my man,” you have to say to the finishing Catamoron. “C’mon, c’mon… hurry up with this crap,” you say out loud without realizing it. Finally, it’s over and the cameras are put away. You bend on one knee, your eyes lock, you kiss. It’s wonderful. You’ve never had a dwarf before and the insane gymnastic possibilities are scrambling your brain. You MUST take this man now.

You pick up your lover and hold him like a baby in your arms. You scuttle off to your room and fulfill fantasy number one; a standing bj while bj’er is standing as well. Awesome. A little salad toss and then the real fun begins. Spin like a top! Standing 69! On and on through the chilly Chile night. “Put on your ranger outfit and put out my fire!” you say at dawn. You don’t even know what that means but you are delirious with ecstasy. You go one more round before being roused for the next leg of the show.

You are the luckiest man in the world. You are Phil.

sg-dub | 05.19.07 | Filed in Recaps,The Amazing Race