True Blood: Pining for the Fjords

In case you haven’t noticed, True Blood has returned to grace our TV screens with nudity, blood and general insanity. I have some thoughts that must be shared! Questions that must be answered! Or at least asked then forgotten when Eric takes his shirt off! Let’s have a brief confab about the first two episodes.

Sookie’s been gone a year! The quietest, most peaceful year Bon Temps has ever known. She went off to fairyland, where she found Grandpa Stackhouse and Barry the weird bellboy from Dallas. Barry’s scored himself a highly waxed fairy god-dude, but Grandpa’s stuck by his lonesome eating the radioactive fruit.  Sookie has to break it to him he’s been gone for over twenty years.

“So we have vampires but no jetpacks? Damn. What about robot servants? I’m not going back if the only thing we’ve come up with is Harry Potter and Google”

She also has to tell him that Grandma’s dead and Sookie’s parents “disappeared in a flood.” Oh, sure they did. More likely they’ve been kidnapped by aqua-leprechauns or zombie-clams or whatever hell else supernatural thing we haven’t seen yet. Sookie realizes that all is not right in the land of glowing fruit – I think it might have been the glowing fruit that tipped her off — and tries to warn gramps telepathically. Too bad she forgets that she’s not the only psychic in the room. Whoops!

The fairies change from pretty things to goblins that throw fireballs and, like everybody else, want to harvest Sookie for something or other. In other words, they become completely awesome. I’d rather run around the desert with fireball hurling goblins than stay at what looked like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vegan dinner party for excruciatingly boring people any day. You know the goblins have the good weed.

And thus, the first Burning Man festival was born

Sookie and Gramps are rescued by exposition goblin who explains something or other about the fairies wanting to cut off fairyland from the real world, and seeing how fairyland is a goblin-riddled hellscape, they aren’t too cool with that. He returns Sookie and gramps to the real world, whereupon Grandpa promptly dies. Aww, this show just doesn’t work out well for the Office Space cast does it?

Sookie returns home, only to find that someone has given Jason a gun and pants. Yes, Jason has managed remain on the Bon Temps police force, which I can only attribute to Sookie’s absence leaving the town crime free for the past year. She gives him Grandpa’s watch, hoping that in addition to learning which end the bullets go in, he’s also learned to tell time. She’s quite surprised to find she’s been gone a year, mostly because she didn’t realize the world could continue revolving without her presence.

Sookie’s also surprised that Jason sold the house. It held so many memories! Like when Grandma was brutally murdered, or when Marianne turned it into a murder-orgy pad, or when she was attacked by vampires, and werewolves, and pretty much everything else that crawls out of the woods in Bon Temp. Can’t imagine why Jason would want to sell.

“I’m not saying that things were better when you were gone, just that the murder rate went down and everyone was much happier. We sure did miss your … uh … waitressing … or something.”

Luckily for Sookie, the mysterious entity that bought her house is perfectly happy to repaint it, leave her stuff there, and let her stay. Why that’s not suspicious at all! Best not to think about it and go off to Merlotte’s. What bad thing could possibly happen?

Over at Merlotte’s, Sam has managed to not kill his super-annoying brother. On the one hand, I’m glad Sam isn’t a killer, or at least more of a killer than he was before. On the other hand, Tommy’s awful. Sam going to anger management, which in this case means sharing your feelings with other shape-shifters over dinner than changing into horses and running through the woods. They imply that all shape-shifters are rage-fueled creatures that may turn into a dangerous animal at any second, so it’s perfect that one of them is a school-teacher. Why should the teacher be any different than the students?

Sam’s getting friendly with school-teacher shape-shifter, Luna (seriously, Luna). He tries to work his mojo when they’re running naked through the woods, but she just turns into a horse and runs away. Chicks, man, always shape-shifting when you’re trying to have a nude conversation with them. Eventually, during one of their two-buck Chuck therapy sessions, she admits she more than a shape-shifter, she’s a skinwalker. She can become another human, not just an animal. Skinwalkers get the power by killing another shifter, in her case, her mother died giving birth to her. Well, I’m sure that little fact won’t be brought up again, coughTommycough.

The same old gang still works at Merlotte’s. It looks like no waitresses have been killed in Sookie’s absence. Arlene’s hair has miraculously become an even more intense shade of magenta. That dye job is the most supernatural thing on the show.

Despite her best miscarriage efforts, Arlene’s given birth to an adorable baby boy and/or devil-spawn. She’s still convinced that the baby is destined to have his father’s serial killer ways. It could be worse, Arlene, he could become a waitress at Merlotte’s. That never turns out well. Her evidence so far is that he likes to tear the heads off Barbies, which would imply that every kid on the entire planet is a future serial killer. Not to mention all his other sinister behavior. He craps himself! Who does that? Not normal people. Plus he wants to feed on his mother’s precious bodily fluids!

Babies ain’t nothin’ but milk vampires

Lafayette still mans (or whatever) the grill at Merlotte’s and has managed to hang on to his cute but creepy boyfriend, Jesus. As if Lafayette’s past fashion choices weren’t disastrous enough, he’s spent the past year taking the bus back to 1983 and gotten a mohawk. Between this and Jason’s unfortunate facial hair, the past year in Bon Temps hasn’t been as crime free as Sheriff Andy thinks.

Jesus convinces Lafayette to attend a wiccan meeting, or whatever it is that wiccans have. I do like Lafayette’s attitude of “Five minutes, ten if they have drinks.” Spoiler! They do not have drinks. Instead, creepy old Marnie gets in contact with the ghost of vampire Eddie who’s off in vampire heaven with his red stapler and TPS reports.

Later Marnie decides to up her game and bring her parrot back from the dead, using some of Lafayette’s mojo to do it. And it works! Sorta! The parrot comes back for a couple seconds before becoming an ex-parrot again. Marnie’s not the least bit deterred. A few more bean bag chairs, a few more scented candles, a cd of the indigo girls and she’ll be able to assemble the zombie parrot army she’s always dreamed of.

I know what everyone’s thinking. “Hey, how about our little ray of sunshine, Tara? She’ll turn those frowns upside down!” Well, big changes have happened for Tara! Her hair went straight and she went gay. She’s found her inner peace working as a cage fighter in New Orleans, because if there’s one thing that’s going to cure the deep- rooted trauma of child abuse, vampire abuse and let’s face it, being Sookie’s friend, it’s foxy boxing.

Of course, Tara runs right back to Bon Temps when finds out that Sookie is back (via a text message she actually looks at during sex with her absurdly hot girlfriend. Stay classy, Tara).  She decides to hide at Sookie’s house and sneak up on her, because that’s always a good thing to do to someone that’s been attacked by every mystical creature short of a hobbit. Sookie’s glad to see her, up until she discovers more presents from Eric.

Huh, I can’t believe I got to Tara before Eric. Remember how some mysterious company bought Sookie’s house but was totally cool with her staying there? That company is  International Nordic Hottie, Inc. a wholly own subsidiary of Eric. He bought Sookie’s house so that he can enter at any time, which he interprets in the rapiest way he can. Apparently as long as his name is on the deed, there’s nothing Sookie can do. I had no idea that supernatural forces were such sticklers for paperwork. Of there actually is something Sookie can do, MOVE OUT, but she won’t because Sookie is an idiot.

Eric explains that her fairy blood smells delicious, and that’s why all the magic beasties are always after her. This makes sense, because it can’t possibly be her sparkling personality that brings all the boys to the yard. I’m hoping that she smells nice to vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, etc., but not to humans. You know, like she faintly gives off a whiff of raw bacon.

“You smell like a combination of blood and dog ass. It’s intoxicating.”

Anyhow, shortly after Tara arrives, Sookie finds a wardrobe that travels to a place more mystical than Narnia: Eric’s pants. OK, not directly to his pants, but to a vampire cubby that he built into her house. So she could get in his pants. Instead of doing the sensible thing, MOVING, she stalks off to confront him at Fangtasia.

Fangtasia! How I wish the show was about you. Pam is still her awesome self. She manages to provide the smack-down to Sookie, Jessica and a gang of vampire protesters without smearing a speck of mascara.

Once again, Pam finds herself the reluctant counselor to Jessica, whose relationship with Hoyt is complicated by her need to suck blood from random hotties in the Fangtasia bathroom. It’s freshman year of college all over again. Poor Hoyt has also managed  to get in a fight with the protestors outside of Fangtasia, also notable for the most unwanted product placement ever.

Iphone: For when you want to capture your hate crime at 720 dpi!

Sookie, having failed to find Eric at Fangtasia, decides to mope in the bathroom. For reasons I would rather not know, Sookie recognizes Jessica from her moans in the next stall. Naturally, rather than just giving a girl her space, Sookie drags her out for a chat because … I can’t think why. I mean, tying up a stall is rude, and bathroom sex/blood drinking is gross, but damn Sookie, can’t you mind your own business, ever? Luckily Jessica tells her pretty much the same thing.

“Crap, the town killjoy is back.”

Sookie can’t find Eric at Fangtasia because he’s off running errands for King Bill. Yes, Bill is the King of Louisiana. It makes complete sense, as Bill is the most crushingly boring person ever. Perfect for politics – just like all the dweebs from the Model UN in high school. He got the job because Nan Flannigan recruited him in the 1980s for her movement to bring vampires “out of the closet.” She was impressed by his ability to make even a vampiric blood rampage in the punk underground devolve into a lecture on taking iron and B-vitamin supplements.

This means that while Bill was secretly working for Sophie-Ann, he was double secretly working for Nan. It really works out for Bill. Instead of Sophie-Ann killing him,  he can call in Nan’s goons as soon as she starts to kick his ass. That’s after about a second by the way. Nan crowns Bill King. Remember when the vampires had awesome ceremonies in junkyards? Now Nan just mutters something under her breath and you’re King.

“Yeah, whatever, you’re King.”

Bill’s fixed up his place while King, which combined with Sookie’s place makes me wonder if Home Depot isn’t another sponsor. He’s also boffing one of the witches from Lafayette’s coven. Their sex is refreshingly free of heads that face the wrong way. Let’s never do that again, True Blood.

Bill is weirdly unable to help Sookie with her Eric problem, other to suggest the logical thing, MOVE.  He’s also unable to help Sookie in the making-logical-decisions department. He does have the ability to send Eric over to shut down the witch’s coven. It seems necromancy is a no-no, because parrots are the natural enemy of vampires.  Actually, it’s because it would give them power over vampires, or something. I love how Eric manages to bow sarcastically.

Nan Flanagan is a clean freak too! Ask her about blood stains!

Things don’t go so well at the coven and not just because Tara came along. She wisely books at the first mention of raising humans from the dead. She not so wisely returns when Eric comes in to kick ass and chew gum (Spoiler! They are out of gum). Eric informs Marnie “a little bird told him” they were performing necromancy. Eric, sweetie, you are so much better than that.

Eric tries to kill Marnie, only to have Tara try to stake him. It seems like a better idea than the witches defense – chanting – but Tara only winds up getting bitten. But wait! This at least frees up Marnie and Lafayette to combine their mojo. Marnie channels the hot actress that undoubtedly possess her nakedly later on. Her power blows Eric’s styling gel and shirt right off. Oh, and it also fries his brain. Sookie finds him wandering in the street, dazed.

Let’s see, am I forgetting something? Ah right, Jason. Jason, Jason, Jason. Remember Crystal, who was a perfectly normal jaguar cursed to shape-shift into a hillbilly meth head? Remember how relieved we were when she disappeared at the end of last season to marry her brother/cousin? Unfortunately, she and the other were-meths are back.

Jason has been taking food out to her kin in the holler, unaware he could just get one of those automatic cat feeders and be done with it. Just to prove that the past year hasn’t really raised Jason’s IQ any, the little were-meths manage to take him hostage by luring him into a freezer. Sure, they’re grateful for the deworming and meth-chow, but they still have to obey their father/uncles. Honestly kids, if you can’t loosen his ropes, can you at least take off his shirt? I worry about Jason being clothed for this long.

Crystal shows up with her brother/husband, but is as annoying and useless as usual. She even gags Jason to prevent Sheriff Andy from finding him. (Did I mention that Andy is addicted to V? He is.) Crystal explains that she and her brother/husband haven’t been able to have a baby, because incest just ain’t what it used to be. Nevertheless, much like with Wills and Kate, the bloodline must be propagated even though nobody really cares anymore. Since brosband is shooting blanks, they’ll use Jason … after they turn him into a were-meth too.

Not the abs!

And there we have it – the first two eps anyway. The third episode will be up shortly. This show can be all kinds of aggravating, but I just can’t quit it. There’s enough humor, camp, and let’s face it hot naked people, that it’s still fun.

brilliantmistake | 07.11.11 | Filed in brilliantmistake,Recaps,True Blood

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