True Blood: The Dumbening

This week’s True Blood was a bit of a breather episode. Don’t get me wrong, freaky shit happened and pretty people took off their clothes, but it was strangely tame on the True Blood scale of weirdness. Let’s face it, though, after maenad orgy and nationally televised spine removal, sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and let Eric act like an idiot for an episode. Plus, we get yet another magic … uh … creature? Thing? Whatever, he/she/it will have a sex scene by episode five.

We pick up right where we left off, with a dazed and shirtless Eric. Much to my dismay, he tells Sookie she smells like honey and sunlight, ruining my fantasy that Sookie  smells rank to everyone but vampires and werewolves. Whatever, I’m going to assume Eric was being metaphorical and she really smells like a slaughterhouse.

Overcome by her parfum de boucherie, Eric leans in for a taste. Sookie, naturally, guns it to escape … then stops about 50 away. Honestly Sookie, have you learned nothing from 3 seasons of this show? Like that vampires can fly? And you can’t outrun them?

Finally, Sookie realizes that Eric’s had his poor Nordic brains scrambled. It’s not amnesia, exactly. He still speaks English and has flashes of Marnie using her parrot-magic on him. On the other hand, he calls her “Snookie” which while wrong is at least funny and closer to the correct pronunciation of Sookie than Bill’s been able to manage.

Sookie agrees to help him, but completely fails to take advantage of the situation, and I don’t just mean sexually, although total fail on that front too, Sookie. She misses about fifteen opportunities to get her house back. She almost gets away with convincing him that he doesn’t own the house, until Pam tells him.

Pam takes a break from looking amazing and draining the local Jethros to help with the Eric crisis, interrupting Sookie’s very important discovery of Eric’s ticklishness. Pam is worries that Bill was actually trying to kill Eric by sending over to the coven – they could have forced him to listen to Sarah McLaughlin! Made him crochet something! Forced him to drink Herbal tea! She insists that Sookie hide Eric from Bill. Sookie, again not realizing this would be a really good time to demand her house back, agrees.

“OK, but only if he stays shirtless and we continue our important tickling related research.”

Sookie reluctantly puts a shirt on Eric, although it’s one of Jason’s old hoodies with the sides ripped out, so it hardly counts. I never understood those hoodies. Is there anyone who has a cold head an overheated arms? If you want to show off the guns and retain your white-trash cred, wear a wife-beater and be done with it. Eric’s show to his cubby, decorated in the style of American Psycho meets Guantanamo Bay.

Having safely stashed Eric, Sookie takes off to see male number 45,890 that’s in love with her for no reason, Alcide. He’s conveniently moved to Shreveport and is inconveniently wearing a shirt. He’s also inconveniently living with Debbie, who kicked her addiction to vampire blood and trying to kill Sookie. It’s all further proof of how much happier everyone was with Sookie gone. Her whole exit to fairyland has been like a reverse It’s A Wonderful Life.

Sookie wanted to have Alcide ‘take care’ of Eric — you know, wash his feet, have the occasional tickle-fight – but Debbie’s entrance changes her mind. Look, Sookie, you might as well  forgive Debbie, half of Louisiana’s tried to kill or feed on you at this point. Still I understand her point about keeping a vampire in with a former V addict. It’s like the time I hired Charlie Sheen to guard my collection of wine and strippers.

“Good to see you, Sookie! Obviously, this means my life will start to suck again.”

Meanwhile, the tweety-bird coven is in full freak-out mode after Eric’s attack. I have to admit, halfway through the scene I was greatly distracted by the discovery that Lafayette’s tank top laces up the back. Lafayette, it’s a tank top, it’s not worth the trouble. Then again, you’ve also gone to the trouble of putting on fishnet sleeves, so I have to acknowledge that practicality is really not part of the clothing equation here.

Where was I? Right, the flock of witches. They are amusingly indignant about Eric’s politically incorrect attack. It’s a hate crime against lovers of life-challenged avifauna! Not that they don’t have reason to be upset, what with the blood sucking and all, but surely they realize Eric wasn’t so much oppressing their zombie-bird religion as he was straight up trying to kill them. Tara stays to protect Lafayette and help the sisters fight for their right to play with dead animals. I’m looking forward to the zombie parrot army.

“First, we write strongly worded facebook update statuses against avio-misongyny. Then, we raise money by selling feather hair extensions on Etsy. Finally, we resurrect every dead canary, lorikeet and budgie from here to Mobile. Let’s give them a taste of what cockatiel vengeance tastes like”

Lafayette, for no good reason other than everyone in Bon Temps is dedicated to bad decision making, decides that he should go talk to Eric and nicely ask him to leave the witches alone. Oh sure, the guy who tortured you for days back in season 2 and tried to kill your fellow poultry enthusiasts five minutes ago will probably just listen quietly and give you a hug.

Jesús we need to talk about your candle addiction.

Surprisingly, Tara has a better idea: ask Sookie to talk to Eric. I mean, it’s better in that Eric likes Sookie better, on account of her smelling like a freshly gutted deer, but it’s also bad in that Sookie decides that her “best friend” Tara takes second place to a hot but homicidal vampire. Granted, it’s a tough decision, but still. Sookie totally lies to Tara about Eric.

Tara’s brief but boring reunion with Sam, in which she totally fails to mention the whole “I’m a lesbian cage-fighter” thing, is interrupted Jesús’ terrifying discovery. Lafayette has gotten corn rows! Wait, that’s not it. Lafayette has gone to see Eric! Really, the cornrows are the only surprising thing about this turn of events. Tara and Jesús take off after him armed with whatever mysterious thing Tara says she has in her trunk. I hope it’s zombie parrot!

It’s not a zombie parrot. Tara, it seems, has become something of a vampire hunter. She’s got a gun with those fancy wood & silver bullets that they used to off the vampire queen. She and Jesus find Lafayette down in Fangtasia’s basement on the wrong end of Pam’s stiletto. And look! They grabbed the screaming waitress on the way down. Good to see her pipes are still going strong. Pam gives them a day to bring Marnie to her or she’ll “eat, fuck, and kill” all three of them. It’s like the vampire version of F/M/K, except you don’t have to marry anyone or make any tough decisions. I like it.

Marnie herself is trying to get back in touch with the pretty witch that possessed her earlier. Nothing seems to work, even Marnie’s own blood and pureeing of an unfortunate flock of warblers. From the reflection in a mirror, it seems that the calls are getting through, but spirit isn’t answering.

True fact: Ancient witch spirits only respond to sexting.

Back over at Sookie’s house of lies, the worst fairy godmother ever shows up for a visit. She’s managed to put her pretty flesh costume back on over the ugly goblin one. Fairy godmother is very insistent that Sookie come back with her, although she doesn’t clarify if it’s the awesome desert fireball fairyland or the boring garden party fairyland. She argues that she wasn’t a bad fairy godmother, she simply was doing the best she could in the face of Sookie’s terrible life choices. I have to admit, she has a point. On the other hand, her argument for leaving is not so strong. She doesn’t even try to explain the whole “harvesting” thing that was brought up before everyone got their goblin on. Then again, she doesn’t get a chance too.

Overwhelmed by a desire to protect Sookie and the enticing scent of  raw hamburger coming off of fairy godmother, Eric attacks, and  can’t restrain himself from sucking Sookie’s fairy godmother dry. Whoops! I’m sure that won’t have any consequences.


Elsewhere, Jessica stops by Bill’s place to see if anyone has some of the Advil she told Hoyt she was going out to get. I bet Advil is loving this product placement, “Advil: for when you need an excuse to get out of the house and cheat on your significant other.” Bill takes a break from re-organizing his sock drawer and counsels Jessica to “vampire up” and be honest with Hoyt.

Jessica takes his advice, which leads to a terrible argument between the cutest couple of all time. It’s like watching a blood match between kittens and puppies. Jessica can’t take it either and glamours Hoyt into forgetting the whole thing. This will not end well.

Even more interestingly, remember the creepy doll that was on the floor when Jessica and Hoyt moved in together at the end of last season? No? Well, it’s back! Despite Jessica repeatedly throwing it out, it keeps returning. Jessica and Hoyt are remarkably calm about this. Jessica’s solution is pretty great – she gives the doll to Arlene’s demon baby. I practically applauded. Just so we’re clear, Jessica glamouring Hoyt is bad; Jessica giving a cursed doll to a demon (maybe) baby is evil genius territory.

Bill, when not doing the crossword or deciding whether the living room should be painted porcelain white or ivory white, actually gets to do some exciting things. And somehow, he makes them seem kinda boring. For one, he kills another vampire for allowing himself to be filmed. Bill doesn’t actually do the killing, he just orders it before getting back to his 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of the color blue. For another, he shags Portia Bellefleur, the pretty real estate lady Sookie spoke to about her house. Portia basically admits she’s slept through all the other men in town, and he’s next.  Shouldn’t Portia be trying to screw her way up a better ladder? Maybe move on to Shreveport. Anyhow, Bill, who has had more action than anybody this season, agrees to become fuck-buddies.

There’s a whole thing with Tommy trying to screw Hoyt’s mom out of some money she has coming, but the only thing interesting about that whole plot line is the Marie Osmond Adora Belle Freida Fright doll that Mrs. Fortenberry  tries to buy off of QVC ($99.00!!!). True Blood, if Jessica’s creepy demon doll turns out to be a Marie Osmond Adora Belle, I will love you forever.

Lastly, once again, I get to Jason. Once again, he has spent the whole episode chained to the bed at camp were-meth. The family/dating pool is very surprised to learn that they can turn other people into were-meths. So the incest was, apparently, just for fun, not because they need to perpetuate the bloodline. Or maybe not. Old man were-meth tells a long story about how the original were-meths were made out of panther vomit and I don’t think I quite got all the nuances of were-meth mythology. I did catch that Jason will turn on the next full moon, and that Crystal’s brosband will kill Jason after he inseminates the entire herd, or whatever, of were-meths (Pod? Batch? Tweak? A tweak of were-meths? It could work).

I’m really starting to get hot for Timbo. I’d be his sister for a day, if you know what mean.

Jason gets a brief glimmer of hope when his cell phone rings. I’m not sure why he got to keep it, other than the were-meths though it was magic. It’s Andy, who is not smart enough to try and GPS track Jason’s cell phone and just leaves an angry message. After that, it’s just more of Crystal smearing mud in Jason’s wounds and dosing him up with Viagra. And then she rapes him.

There’s a couple other potentially significant things that were alluded to in the episode. A newscast mentions that Steve Newlin has been missing for six months. Also, the little subplot where Bill executes a vampire for accidentally being filmed. It introduces a group that baits vampires into feeding before scaring them off and filming them. Possible foreshadowing for Jessica?

brilliantmistake | 07.17.11 | Filed in brilliantmistake,Recaps,True Blood

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