True Blood: Escape From Rapetown

This week on True Blood, Jason finally escapes the were-meths and his shirt. Bill discovers that the were-meths aren’t the “family-oriented” folks in Bon Temps, if you know what I mean. The devil baby takes up tagging. Sam is boring, Tommy is an idiot, and something terrible happens to Pam. YOU BETTER NOT HURT PAM. Recap done!

I suppose we could go into a little more detail. First, this recap may be a little brief, not to mention late (surprise). I am, at the moment, writing while on a ferry; I’ve been traveling for 9 hours and it will probably take another 6 to get where I’m going. Unfortunately, I only have a couple of hours where I can actually work on the laptop. Second, there may not be pictures, depending on connectivity at my destination. I’m desperately hoping I can because this week featured shirtlessness from Alcide, Eric and Jason. TRIFECTA. Sure, Jason was kinda bloody and crusty, which is not the most attractive look, but still.

Actually, I think the most important think here is that Jason finally got untied and got the hell out of Rapetown, Incest County. Did anyone else recognize Lauren Weedman, ex- Daily Show correspondent, as one of his rapers? Not exactly the career trajectory I’d predict with that on your resumé. Weedman doesn’t even get to free Jason, that’s left to
one of the kiddy were-meths, after Jason explains that raping a captive police officer isn’t the greatest way to lose you v-card, she should save herself for some nice uncle/brother.

Jason, sans shirt, stumbles through the woods, tripping so many times, I’m half worried that he’s changing into a horror movie bimbo in heels instead of a panther. It’s not all bad, though, he manages to whittle himself a spear and kills Crystal’s asshole brother/husband. Huzzah! Too bad he wimps out on killing Crystal. She’s completely mystified that kidnapping and rape hasn’t brought them closer together. Finally, Jason stumbles out to the road where he’s found by Jessica and Hoyt. She revives him by giving him her blood. I predict sexy times for these two ahead! Although to be fair, you can pretty much predict that for any two random members of the cast.

Let’s get the other little plots out of the way (you know the ones I mean). Tommy heads back to dear old ma, after Sam refuses to help him return to a life of crime. Ma’s real proud that Tommy learned to read. Now she can hold her head up high when she’s out with the Pomeranians. You know how snooty they get, and don’t even get me started on the Llasa Apsas (bitches). Everything seems great back at the kennel, until Pa comes back and throws a leash on Tommy. Book learnin’ or not, they want to out Tommy back in the dog fighting ring. Who knew that vicious illiterate hillbillies could be so untrustworthy? I mean, apart from everybody?

Sam, meanwhile, meets Luna’s secret kid and finds out her ex is a psycho werewolf. Has Luna been sharing anything at those ‘therapy’ sessions? Next week we’ll find out she forgot to mention she’s the transgendered heir to Swedish throne.

The devil baby, possessed by either the devil doll or Banksy, write on the wall. It was surprising creepy.

Portia, for reasons unknown, decides that she should take her fuck-buddy Bill to meet Grandma. Is this something she regularly does? “Hi Grandma, I’d like you to meet the vampire I’m using for emotionally empty hook-ups. He says he’ll never love me. Hugs!” Plus, I thought one of the major benefits of friends-with-benefits was that you don’t have to endure all these awkward family meetings. Basically it’s an excuse to let Kathryn Helmond out of her plastic surgery tomb and to get out the family bible.

The bible is not for either spiritual enlightenment or vampire smiting, it’s to explore the Bellefleur family history. Sounds fun, right? Actually, this probably is Bill’s idea of fun. Next he’ll offer to alphabetize her bookshelves. The fun doesn’t last long, though, as Bill realizes a few minutes in that he’s been boinking his great-great-great-great-grandaughter, and he’s not as into incest as the were-meths are. Then again the only way the were-meths could be more into incest would involve hemaphroditism. Genetically speaking, Bills not really closely related to Portia, but I could see why it would still seem squicky. Also, I’m amused that Andy is his great-something-grandson.

Let’s get to the storyline we really care about: Eric’s naked. I mean, Eric’s curse. After polishing off the worst fairy godmother ever, Eric would very much like some more of that fine fairy blood. Of course, he’ll never hurt Sookie, even if she does smell like fresh roadkill, because she’s the awesomest. Instead, Eric runs off.

Naturally, Sookie has to call Alcide to help out. She’s terribly disappointed that this will have to involve Alcide transforming into a werewolf to track eric, and that said transformation means Alcide has to get naked. No one wants to see that! It’s just one of the many, many sacrifices she has to make for the greater good.

After a little hottie on hottie tracking. Alcide finds Eric in a lake, swimming in the sunlight and generating enough material to keep slash fiction writers busy until 2015. Happy wood nymph Eric is not to be, though, the good times brought on by violently murdering a fairy can only last so long. Eric is forced to return to his Patrick Bateman cubby to sulk.

Sookie reminds Eric that he wasn’t a sulky baby before he got zapped, he was a happy-go-lucky murderer. Old Eric may have been a threat to society, but at least he wasn’t a whiner. The pouty child thing must work for her though (come to think of it, it would explain some of her attraction to Bill), because Eric nearly scores himself a little fairy tail (sorry, I couldn’t resist), only to be cock-blocked by Bill.

In between boffing his great-whatever-granddaughter and reorganizing his spice rack, Eric was paid a visit by Nan and her giant shoulder pads of power. She and the right shoulder pad ordered Bill to resolve the whole witch business without attracting any more publicity. The left shoulder pad just rolled its eyes at bill and pretended to check its text messages, but is secretly worried about zombie parrots.

After getting bitch slapped by Nan (I’m guessing she does this on a weekly basis), Bill tries to find Eric. For some reason, he checks Eric’s apartment in Paris and other exotic location before going to Sookie’s. Bill’s really not the model of efficiency when it comes to detective work. Sookie lies through her teeth about Eric being there, even playing the “when have I ever lied to you” card. Bill even falls for it.

Pam’s method for dealing with the witches is a little more direct: threats of violence. She learned the technique when running the Fangtasia day-care center. Marnie’s not so keen to help at first. She’s been having visions of the spirit lady being burned at the stake by good-looking Spaniards. In the end though she, Tara, Lafayette and Jesús do their impression of the Scooby Gang from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and hunt though the readily available ancient spell books that are in the shop. There must be millions of those centuries old texts, considering how often they pop up in little boutiques.

Marnie gets a little frustrated looking through books, even though her method is to hold the books up to her ear and fondle them rather than actually reading them. Too bad Tommy’s back in the kennel, he might actually have been useful once in his life. The spirit-of-convenient-timing comes to the rescue, though, and plops open a book to the spell they need.

They and Pam go off to the woods and, holy moly, Pam’s outfit is a thing to behold. Here’s a lesson for you kids: never trust an ancient witch spirit who was burned at the stake and hates all vampires and maybe parrots. They have issues. Instead of healing Eric, poor Pam starts to rot. Not Pam! She’s my favorite character on the show!

brilliantmistake | 07.24.11 | Filed in brilliantmistake,Recaps,True Blood

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