The Walking Dead: Secrets and Thighs.

This week on The Walking Dead: Glenn spills the beans, Shane teaches Andrea how to handle his gun and Hershel dispenses some more folksy wisdom.


“Everything is food for something else, Mom. As a housewife, you should understand that’s just the circle of life.”

“Circle of life my ass. Besides, if I’m just a housewife, where’s my house?”

“You’re soaking in it.”

“Sorry I’m going to break your legs and feed you to the zombies, chicken. But at least I’m not choking you to death.”

“We’re off to see the Murder Barn.”


“If it weren’t for those stupid walkers, that’d be Glenn’s Hayloft Sex Barn.”

“You have to promise you won’t tell anyone about all the zombies in the barn.”

“I can’t lie to people. I’m Asian. Nobody’s trusted me since Pearl Harbor.”

“You’re Korean, dumbass. Nobody blames you for Pearl Harbor.”

“I do.”

“So do we.”


“Hey Shane, check out the vest on that random character. He may as well be wearing a red shirt.”

“But the gay guy at my office said vests were coming back.”

“I bet he told you gingers have souls, too.”

“We’d like to learn to shoot, too.”

“Hey look, more red shirts.”

“I bet that’s the same thing you thought about Otis. Until you MURDERED HIM!”

“Touché, douché.”

“You wanna see something really scary?”

“I traded Daryl a pudding cup for it.”

“You’re too young to have a gun, Carl. You’ll shoot your eye out!”

“Or maybe I should just save you the trouble and poke them out for you now. Glenn, can you run into town and get me some Eight-Year-After abortion pills?”

“Hey Dale, do you really blame me for Pearl Harbor?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. By the way, Lori’s pregnant. And Hershel’s barn is full of walkers.”

“I’ll never forgive you for killing Colonel Blake, though.”

One of these things is not like the others.

“I said, where all the white women at?”

“Don’t you mean ‘where all the white women?’ We don’t end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Sorry. I meant, Where all the white women at, bitch?”

“You know Andrea, this is the first time I haven’t felt like killing you.”

“It’s the hat, isn’t it? I’ve been waiting for the perfect opportunity to wear it.”

“Sorry, the moment passed. I hate you again.”

“Remember, Carl, it’s only considered looting if it’s a black person stealing something.”

“Hershel, I really admire your fields. And by ‘admire your fields’ I mean I know your barn is full of zombies.”

“Folksy wisdom.”

“Did you just folksy wisdom me?”

“Thank you for saving Carl’s life. I’m eternally grateful.”

“Great. Now mosey on.”

“Hey Andrea, check out my wood. Heheheh.”

“I’m awful.”

“I’m awfuler.”

“When my wife was pregnant, she couldn’t stand the smell of burning meat.”

“What did you do?”

“I stopped using her flat iron on my pubes, of course.”

“I’ll just check back here for your boss’s wife’s abortion pills.”

“Hold off! Unhand me, grey-beard loon!”

“Unhand her, you cad!”

“As you wish.”

“We got your stupid abortion pills, bitch!”

“Uhm, thanks?”

“I’ve got five minutes. Bring six condoms.”

“This looks like a nice neighborhood.”

“Maybe not.”

“I’m ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT wanna fuck with me. Check it out! Hey Ripley, don’t worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Vwap! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks…”



“Got any of that wood left?”

If this Hyundai’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.

“Fucking Becky’s ‘Two Fingers to Thinner Thighs’ better fucking work.”

“I know exactly what kind of man you are, Shane. You’re the kind of man who leaves the toilet seat up. Don’t deny it!”

“So what, old man. You sayin’ you gotta squat to pee?”

“Sometimes, yeah. And if I laugh too hard, sometimes a little pee squirts out. Getting old really sucks.”

“Keep flappin’ your gums and a little pee squirt is gonna be the least of your worries.”

“Dammit Glenn, Lori specifically asked for Eight-Year-After pills.”

“You didn’t take those pills, did you? Glenn was off by about seven years and 364 days.”

“I took them, but don’t worry, I threw them back up.”

“Why would you take them? Are you stupid?”

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question.”

“Why are you so awful? Sometimes I wish you were Shane’s wife so I wouldn’t have to put up with this crap all the time!”

“Yeah, about that…”


copygodd | 11.22.11 | Filed in The Walking Dead

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