The Walking Dead: Hershel’s Walkers and/or Barnageddon.

Welcome to the midseason finale of The Walking Dead.

Will the gang finally find WAAAALLLLTTTT! Sophia? Will we learn who Lori’s babydaddy is? Will Hershel accept that there’s no cure for a half-eaten face, or is he still putting his faith in zombicillen? Speaking of, will Rick ever tell the group what the CDC doctor whispered in his ear?

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We open on our merry group of survivors sharing a very angry breakfast. Why all the fussiness, kids? Glenn sees Maggie standing on the porch, shaking her head at him. Glenn must have super-Asian eyesight to have picked up on that; I could barely tell it was even Maggie standing there. What is she telling him no about? The possibility of sex? His proficiency at sex? The possibility of them ever having sex in a hayloft once all the walkers are gone? Whatever it is, it must have something to do with Dale, because he’s standing on the other side of camp shaking his head yes. Like a true pizza delivery guy, Glenn decides to go bros before hos and takes Dales advice. He stands up, clears his throat and tells everyone the barn is full of walkers. Great, Glenn. While you’re at it, why don’t you just piss in everyone’s Wheaties and tell them it’s Frosted Flakes?

Everyone heads over to the barn for a little looksee, and wouldn’t you know it, the presence of a group of meat sacks right on the other side of the door gets Hershel’s walkers a tad agitated. They start pounding on the door, which starts to shake like it’s going to burst open and CUT TO OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE.

And we’re back. Turns out that title cards are stronger than walkers, as their appearance put an end to the zombies’ impending escape. Obviously, the group’s a little upset that Hershel’s been hiding this fact from them, but I’m even more upset that the writers don’t explain how the group never heard or smelled a dozen or so rotting corpses not 20-30 yards from where they’ve been living for what seems like the past seven years.

Nobody’s more upset than Shane, though, who tells Rick it’s time they killed the walkers or moved on, which is a very clever metaphor for shitting or getting off the pot. Well-played, writers! Rick’s counter argument? It’s Hershel’s property, so if he wants to keep a barn full of walkers around, it’s none of their business. Also, they can’t leave without finding Sophia.

Not surprisingly, this prompts another argument amongst the merry gang of Grimes. Shane can’t believe anyone seriously thinks that Sophia is still alive; Daryl can’t believe Shane wants to give up. To make matters worse, Shane calls Daryl a meth-head and makes fun of his ear necklace. NOT THE EAR NECKLACE!

Later, Glenn tries to talk to Maggie about his decision to tell the group her family’s secret. Her response? She puts an egg in his hat and cracks it over his head. Hey Maggie, that egg was a chicken! Or at least a potential chicken, according to your father’s wisdom. Way to KILL THE FUTURE, Maggie.


“These aren’t the only eggs that are rotting around here, Glenn.”

Back at camp, Lori is teaching Carl the secrets to quadratic equations, because no skill is more important in a zombiepocalypse than a firm grasp of higher mathematics. Since she’s against Carl learning to shoot, I can only assume Lori feels he’ll be able to defend himself with the power of the parallelogram. Or at least a properly sharpened compass point.

Carl’s upset that Shane wants to leave, but, wanting to prove himself worthy of his father’s hat, he tells Lori he’s not leaving the farm until they find Sophia. Ah, Carl’s so cute when he acts like his nuts have dropped. Even though she knows Hershel’s kicking them off the farm in the next few days, Lori tells Carl they won’t leave, thus giving us one more shining example to cite on her “Mother of the Year” application.

Over in the stables, Daryl is getting a horse ready to go out looking for Sophia. But Carol stops him, saying he’s still recovering from having an arrow pierce his side and getting shot in the head. That don’t make no nevermind to Daryl, though. He’s got his heart set on finding that little girl. He even made her a matching ear necklace as a gift. Carol says she doesn’t even know if Sophia’s still alive, and she can’t bear to lose Daryl too, especially after he brought her that pretty flower, which is more than her dead husband Ed ever did in all their years of marital unbliss.

Daryl can’t believe that even Sophia’s mother is starting to think he might be wasting his time looking for the girl. He just found her creepy ass doll the other day. That has to mean something, doesn’t it? In disgust, he throws the saddle down, which reopens the wound in his side. Carol tries to help him, but he calls her a stupid bitch and storms off. Classic Daryl.

Over at the RV, Glenn asks Dale if he happens to have an extra hat. Why? Is Glenn really that lazy that he can’t clean his own hat? Better yet, why doesn’t he just have one of the womenfolk at camp clean it for him? Chores seem to be about all they ever get to do, except for the occasional bit of sexytime when they think nobody’s looking. Dale doesn’t have an extra hat, but he tosses his personal hat up to Glenn instead. What? Dale was wearing a hat? I just thought that’s how his hair looked. And Glenn actually puts it on. YUK. I sure hope nobody ever asks Dale if he has any extra underwear they can borrow.

Inside the RV, Andrea is arming herself, which Dale decides is the perfect time to confront her about Shane. I don’t know about you, but I always wait until the suicidal woman is cocked and loaded before I start badgering her about beavering the camp’s resident crazy-eyes killer.

Andrea brushes Dale’s criticism aside, admitting she likes Shane, but that doesn’t mean she likes likes him. She just likes the fact that he’s not a victim. And that his car has enough front leg room to make the beast with two backs.

In typical Andrea fashion, she makes an annoying face and leaves. And in typical Dale fashion, he has a really stupid idea that he just has to act on right that second. First, he sends Glenn off to get him some water. If I were Glenn, I’d be a little pissed that Dale thinks he’s his personal bitch, but at least they’re not sending him down the zombie well to get it, so he agrees. When Glenn’s gone, Dale grabs Shane’s Big Bag ‘o GunsTM and runs off into the woods. So in essence, Dale’s plan is Phase One: Collect guns. Phase Three: Profits!

Meanwhile, Rick has the audacity to interrupt Hershel’s lunch of pears, wine and the good book. He tells Hershel they know about the walkers in the barn, and they need to talk about it. Now. Hershel doesn’t think they need to talk it about now. Or ever. In fact, he thinks the only thing they need to talk about is his desire to have Grimes and his people off the farm by the end of the week. Rick tells Hershel if he knew what it was like out there, he’d never make them leave. Here’s the problem with Rick’s argument: One, it’s the same one he makes every week. Hershel just doesn’t care. Two, Hershel thinks the walkers are just sick people, and they can be cured by TPTB. (How he thinks an antivirus is going to cure someone who’s missing a face, or whose guts have dropped down into a well is a minor quibble.) Knowing this, why doesn’t Rick tell Hershel about their time at the CDC? When the last scientist alive showed them how the virus REANIMATED DEAD TISSUE?! Or when the last scientist alive killed himself because HE KNEW THERE WAS NO FRIGGIN’ CURE?! No, instead Rick just tells Hershel the real world’s not all puppies and unicorns like the blond bimbettes of Fox News made the situation out to be.

When that doesn’t work, he tells Hershel that Lori is pregnant. He says it’s either a gift here on Hershel’s “special” farm, or it’s a death sentence out on the road. Either way, Hershel doesn’t give a shit. And now both his pears and wine are room temperature! Damn you, Grimes!

Rick heads outside and finds Shane staring at the barn. They argue again about who had the most sex in high school (Shane wins) and who’s having the most sex in camp (again, Shane wins). They also can’t agree on what to do next: kill the walkers in the barn, or leave. (I’ll let you guess who’s in favor of re-killing everything.) Finally, Rick says they can’t leave because Lori is pregnant. As Rick walks off, Shane congratulates him.

Of course, Shane runs right over to Lori and tells her how excited he is to be a father. She says that Rick is her babydaddy, and even if it were Shane’s seed she was carrying, Rick would still be the father. Shane ain’t buying it, though. He KNOWS he’s the father. Besides, Rick just isn’t cut out for this world. Shane’s saved Lori’s life four times now; how many times has Rick done that? One, Lori says, pointing out the night walkers attacked the camp. Wrong. Shane says HE saved Lori that night, not Rick. In fact, the reason he had to save her was because Rick was off on some stupid suicide mission. If he’d stayed at the camp like Shane wanted, nothing would have happened. (In Rick’s defense, he was off trying to the Big Bag ‘o GunsTM, which Shane now considers his Precious.)

Shane walks off and runs into Carl near the RV, who tells Shane they can’t leave until they find Sophia. Shane agrees, but tells Carl if they do stay, he’s gonna have to start helping out with the chores more. (And by chores, of course, Shane means clearing out the barn.) No problem, says Carl, probably thinking Shane just wants him to wash his underwear more often.

Maggie and Hershel are arguing scripture in the kitchen when that random teenager shows up and says it’s happened again. Hershel heads over to the camp and tells Rick he needs his help. Together, they head off into the woods.

Imagine Shane’s surprise when he goes into Dale’s RV and finds his Big Bag ‘o GunsTM has done wandered off. When Glenn admits he wasn’t there because he was off getting Dale a glass of water, Shane stomps into the woods, where he immediately finds Dale stuffing the guns into a giant Hefty bag, which he apparently plans on nailing to a tree. Great plan, Dale. You really are the brains of this outfit. Shane and Dale argue, Dale threatens to shoot Shane, Shane dares him to do it, Dale backs down, Shane picks up the guns, Dale looks defeated, and… scene!


“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the Precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Daleses. Wicked, tricksy, false!”

Elsewhere in the forest (specifically, the other swampy section), Hershel, Rick and the redshirt find two walkers stuck in the mud. Hershel hands Rick a leash and tells him if he wants to stay on the farm, he has to learn to treat the walkers more like pets and less like zombies. Together, they lead the leashed zombies back to the barn.

Back at the farm, Daryl is being all apologetic to Carol about calling her a stupid bitch in the stables. Carol says it’s all good; stupid bitch is nicer than anything her dead husband Ed ever called her. Meanwhile, Glenn tells Maggie he wanted to tell the group about Hershel’s walkers. Secrets get people killed, he says, and he’d rather have Maggie alive and pissed off at him than dead and chasing him around the farm trying to eat his brains.

Shane comes back to camp with the Big Bag ‘o GunsTM and starts passing them out to everyone. Even Carl gets a gun, which upsets Lori. If Carl spends all his time learning to shoot, he’ll never learn the first 100 digits of Pi!

T-Doug (remember him?) sees Rick and Hershel leading a couple of walkers over to the barn. And then all hell breaks loose. The entire group takes off running to intercept Rick and Hershel. Shane gets there first and can’t believe what he’s seeing. He tells Hershel the walkers aren’t sick; they’re dead. And to prove his point, he shoots Hershel’s walker in the chest. Could a sick person keep moving after that, Hershel? It’s hard to argue with the results of Shane’s impromptu science fair experiment, but of course Hershel still refuses to believe his own eyes. So Shane shoots the woman in the head and puts her down.


Freak on a Leash.

At this point, Rick is begging Shane to stop. But of course Shane is just getting started. He shoots Rick’s pet walker in the head, and then tells everyone he’s tired of looking for a girl they all know is dead. He’s tired of living next to a barn full of walkers that want to kill them all. And he’s really tired of Dale bitching about him leaving the toilet seat up. It ain’t his fault the old dude has to squat to pee! Then he breaks the locks on the barn door and lets the walkers out.

The zombies start shuffling out and Shane, Glenn (after asking Maggie if it’s okay), Andrea, T-Doug and Daryl start mowing them down. (Lori grabbed Carl and wouldn’t let him join the fun. She is really trying for that “World’s Greatest Mom” coffee mug.) Hershel’s wife stumbles out, and Daryl shoots her in the face. Hershel slumps to the ground, defeated.


These are the good guys?

The ground in front of the barn is covered with dead walkers, but they can still hear one shuffling around in the barn. Everyone stiffens and stares at the the last walker to emerge: SOPHIA!


“Heeeeere’s Sophia!”

So this whole time the entire group has been risking their collective lives trying to find Carol’s little girl, she’s been chasing crippled chickens with the rest of Hershel’s walkers in the barn not 30 yards from camp. HAHAHAHAHA! Bet you guys feel stupid now, huh? Hershel gets a strange look on his face, almost as if he’s enjoying this ironic turn of events. Rick’s group had no problem shooting his family in the face; let’s see what they do when they have to kill one of their own. Uhm, Hershel, hate to break it to you, but they’ve already had to kill members of their own group. Lots of them. And Rick has already shot a little girl in the face in the series premiere. Shooting Sophia shouldn’t be a problem at all. And guess what? It isn’t. Rick calmly walks up to Sophia, levels the Python at her head, and shoots her right square in the face.


“Zombie partay is OVER!”

And with that example of tough love, the series signs off until February.

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So what did you think of this midseason cliffhanger? I thought it was by far the best episode of the season. Not too much talking, and lots of killing. Even though the show has been ssssslllllooooooowwww this season, it’s still the only show with zombies, which makes it better than 99% of the other shows on TV that don’t feature zombies.

What do you think is going to happen come February? Will Hershel finally kick them off the farm? If so, will Maggie go with them to stay with Glenn? Will anyone stand up to Shane? Will Lori or Andrea be the most annoying person in camp? Will I still be recapping it? Will this site still be online? Will anyone even notice if it’s not? Guess we’ll have to wait until 2012 to find out.

copygodd | 12.01.11 | Filed in The Walking Dead

 
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