This week on The Walking Dead: Rick and Shane have “the talk,” Randall miraculously walks and Beth balks (at killing herself).

Plus no Carl, no Dale, no Carol, no Glenn and no Hershel. Unfortunately, we still had to put up with avowed womyn’s libber Lori.

More on her views about chores after the jump…

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This week’s episode opens up with Rick and Shane running from a group of zombies, Shane barricades himself in a school bus as a group of deadites tries to break the door. Randall, the kid who impaled himself on a fence post last week, is nearby, crawling toward a knife on the ground. And then … OPENING CREDITS!

Back from commercial, we see Rick and Shane driving down a country road. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! So our intrepid heroes got away during the break, or we’re flashing back in time a bit. Either way, the whole open was just a big tease. Thanks a lot, producers. What am I going to do with this zombie boner now?

Back to Rick and Shane. Rick pulls the car over, and they both get out. Pee break! Shane is confused, though, because he doesn’t have to pee. Besides, Rick said they were going 18 miles out, and Rick can usually hold his pee for at least 25 miles between breaks. Shane’s world is crashing down around him.

Rick says they need to talk. And by that he means he needs to talk and Shane needs to shut the front door and listen. No, seriously Shane, shut the door. You don’t want a zombie sneaking in during this very important talk and getting blood and guts all over the inside of your sweet ride.

Rick says he knows Shane killed Otis. Wait, how does he know that exactly? Dale told Lori he thought Shane might have killed Otis, and Lori told Rick that Shane more than likely killed Otis and now Rick is telling Shane he definitely killed Otis. This is like a game of telephone gone horribly wrong. Next thing you know, Shane will be telling Otis he killed himself by drinking too much iocane poison. Inconceivable!

Rick also knows about Shane and Lori. He says he figured it out really fast, because Shane had written “Property of Shane” on the tag of Lori’s underwear. Rick says that Shane only thinks he loves Lori, just like Lori only thinks she likes getting hit from behind in the woods. “I know my wife,” Rick says, “and she’s strictly missionary.” He goes on to tell Shane that he’s perfectly capable of keeping his wife and family safe. And that includes his unborn child. You know, the one that Shane thinks is his but Lori says is Rick’s no matter how much she knows it’s really Shane’s because she’s the baby-mama so she gets to decide who the baby-daddy is no matter what simple math and a calendar says. Fuck science!

If Shane can accept everything Rick just said, they’ll get along fine. If not, then they have a problem. Shane tells Rick about that one time he tried to get Rick out of the hospital, but he couldn’t because the army was shooting everyone and Rick was too selfish to wake up from his coma. Stupid Rick, always thinking about himself and never about Shane and Lori’s sexytime.

Now with that bit of awkwardness out of the way, Rick opens the trunk to check on Randall. He’s hog-tied, with ear buds taped to his head and a bag over his head. I hope it’s not the same bag Hershel made his kids use to carry the hobbled chickens they were feeding to the walkers they were hiding in the barn. Actually, I hope it is the same bag. Hahaha, Randall, you have hobbled chicken in your hair!

Satisfied that Randall isn’t going anywhere, Rick and Shane get back in the car and continue driving. Shane’s acting all mopey and grumpy while Rick is prattling on about how he thinks the winter will slow the zombies down, although what he’s basing this on, I have no idea. Maybe the CDC doctor whispered in his ear that zombies are susceptible to cold? But if that’s the case, then all we have to do is cross the border into Canadaland. It’s about time America’s hat did something to earn their keep. Shane notices a lone zombie shambling through a field. It’s actually a pretty surreal scene, which shouldn’t be surprising in a world overrun by the walking dead but still kinda is because subtlety isn’t the producers’ strong suit.

Back at the farmhouse, Hershel’s redshirt daughter Beth has decided she wants to kill herself. Lori takes the knife away from her and tells Maggie, who runs upstairs to try and talk some sense into her little sister. Good luck with that, Mags. Not only does Beth insist she still wants to kill herself, she wants Maggie to commit suicide with her, at the same bat-time in the same bat-bed. This girl is bat-shit crazy!

Downstairs, Lori and Andrea get into an argument about the plight of womyn in a post-apocalyptic zombie-infested America. Lori is upset that Andrea insists on shirking her womynly duties and acting like a man. “The men don’t need your help keeping us safe,” she tells Andrea. Wait, what? She’s also mad that Andrea isn’t helping out with the laundry and the cookin’ and the cleanin’ and all the other gender-specific roles that womyn are supposed to take on. And don’t forget baby-makin’! Andrea is upset that Lori stopped Beth from killing herself, because everyone has the right to make that decision for themselves. What America are you living in, Andrea? Because in this America, only Congress has the right to decide if you’re allowed to decide if you want to kill yourself, and they decided you don’t.

Andrea goes upstairs to keep an eye on Beth, the girl she just told Lori should be allowed to kill herself. Yeah, this should work out swell. As soon as Maggie is gone, Andrea tells Beth if she wants to kill herself to go ahead and do it. Then she opens the door and leaves.

Back on the road, Shane notices Rick has driven further than 18 miles. Shane’s a little confuzzled, because Rick was very clear when he decided that they’d endanger the group by letting Randall live that he was going to drop him off precisely at the 18 mile mark. Rick says he’s looking for a nice spot to let Randall go, someplace where he’ll have a chance. Although since he’s still recovering from being impaled on a fence, I’m not sure how much of a chance he’s going to have. He pulls up to a public works facility and says it will do, which makes absolutely no sense.

Actually, now that I’ve thought about it for a few minutes, Rick’s decision makes perfect sense, because your typical government worker is so slow and brain dead that the zombies have probably left them alone as a professional courtesy.

As Shane and Rick look through the fence, a walker in a security uniform shambles their way. Shane’s about to shoot him, but Rick says they need to stop wasting bullets and start using their knives more. He cuts his finger and rubs blood on the fence and when the zombie starts licking the blood Rick stabs him in the head. (I guess “stabs him in the head” is the new “shoots him in the face.”) Another zombie guard comes shuffling toward them and Rick tells Shane it’s his turn.

On the one hand, Rick’s plan makes sense, since the guns make noise that attracts the zombies. On the other hand (you know, the one that you just cut open with a dirty knife), you’re already running short on antibiotics, and the only doctor you know is a drunken old veterinarian, so maybe you want to rethink this whole cutting thing.

“Next we’re going to hook this car battery up to your testicles.”

Later, Shane examines the rent-a-zombies’ bodies and can’t find a bite on either of them. Rick says they must got infected from a scratch. Or from riding a tractor in their bathing suits. Nah, probably a scratch.

They head back to the car and toss Randall to the ground. Rick drops a knife a few feet away and they turn to leave. Randall begs them to save him, saying the other guys in the gang were the bad ones, he’s just a normal kid trying to make the best of a bad situation. “I went to school with Maggie, for God’s sake,” he screams.

Uh-oh, spaghetti-o’s! So all this time they were worried about dropping Randall off someplace where he couldn’t find his way back to the farm and it turns out he knew where the farm was the whole time? Hahaha, dumbasses. Maybe Shane’s right about Rick after all. How’s he going to keep Lori and Carl safe if he can’t even keep the secret location of their secret farm a secret?

Shane pulls his gun and is about to shoot Randall in the face (hey, what happened to stabbing people in the head?) when Rick tackles Shane and tells him it’s not his call. Why not? Why can’t Shane decide who he wants to shoot in the face? Doesn’t matter, because Rick says it’s HIS call, and he needs to sleep on it a night before he makes said call. When Shane disagrees, Rick tries to punch him. Shane blocks the punch and the two ex-besties start a-fightin’. As far as fake fights go, it’s not bad, but it’s no best fight ever.

POW!

BAM!

KA-BLAMO!

After rolling around in the dirt for a few minutes (and throwing a motorcycle on top of Rick), Shane picks up a ginormous wrench and throws it at Rick, who ducks and the wrench goes through a window and wakes up all the government workers zombies who’ve been on break inside for the last six months or so and they all come stumbling out to say hi and now we’re finally caught up to the beginning of the episode when Shane is hiding in the bus and Randall is crawling across the ground trying to get to the knife. And why is Randall crawling? Why doesn’t he just roll toward the knife? Dumbass. No wonder his friends left him last week.

While Shane is trying to keep the zombies out of the bus, Rick gets stuck under one zombie and shoots it in the face. Then another zombie falls on top of him, and he shoots it. Then a THIRD zombie falls on top of him, and he shoots it in the face, by shooting through the first zombie’s face. DOUBLE FACE SHOT! Randall, meanwhile, has finally cut himself free and goes to town on some zombie chick, stabbing her in the head and calling her bitch over and over. Seems like a totally normal and well-adjusted young man. I can’t believe Rick isn’t sure about letting him in the group.

Rick helps Randall up, and together they run off, leaving Shane by himself in the bus. Did anyone else find it odd that Randall was able to run away with Rick, when just last week they ripped his leg to shreds pulling him off the fence? That kid is a quick healer. Shane can’t believe Rick left him (even though he would’ve have done the exact same thing), but he doesn’t have time to pout because the zombies are getting close to breaking through the bus door.

Shane still can’t quite get the door shut and latched, so he does the next most logical thing: cuts his hand and smears blood all over the wall. One lucky zombie starts licking at the blood, and Shane stabs him in the head.

“Lunchy munchy!”

Stop right there! Did Shane just cut his hand with the same knife that he stabbed a zombie in the head with earlier in the episode? If so, that’s equivalent to a scratch, which means Shane might be infected, which means we still might get to see Carl shoot him in the face. Yay!

Back at the farm, Mags goes upstairs to check on Beth. Except Beth isn’t there. She’s locked herself in the bathroom, where she’s smashed the mirror and tried to cut her wrists. Except at the last second she chickens out and doesn’t cut deep enough. Also, she cuts across her wrist, and everyone knows you cut horizontally along your arm to open more vein. Remember Beth, cut smarter, not harder. Hopefully you’ll do better next time.

Maggie and Lori are horrified that Beth would try to kill herself, but Andrea is all excited about it, because she knows that Beth must really want to live or she’d have cut deeper. Mags doesn’t like Andrea’s methods, and bans her from the house.

Rick and Randall are running away, when Rick sees the bodies of the two rent-a-walkers he and Shane killed earlier in the day. Good times. He can’t bring himself to leave the man-who-fucked-his-wife-in-the-behind behind, so he and Randall hop in Shane’s car and drive back through the fence, over a bunch of zombies and rescue Shane.

Once they’re safely back on the road again, they pull over and tie Randall back up and throw him back in the trunk, which might have been a tad unnecessary, since Rick had duct-taped his head to the driver’s seat. It’s not like he was going to get away. And since they know he knows where the farm is, why not just let him play chauffeur for a while and enjoy the ride?

Rick tells Shane he’s probably going to kill Randall in the morning, but he still wants to think about it for a night. Why? What is that possibly going to solve? It’s not like someone’s going to discover a cure between now and tomorrow morning, so why not just kill Randall now and get it over with?

Rick also reiterates his org chart for the group. “That is my wife, that is my son, that is my child,” he tells Shane. “You wanna be with us, you gotta follow my lead.” He gives Shane his gun, they get back in the car and take off. On the ride home, Shane sees a solitary zombie stumbling through the field.

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So, what did you think of this week’s episode? How did Randall recover so quickly? Is Shane really infected? How annoying is Lori? Be sure to tune in next week, when absolutely none of these questions will be answered.

copygodd | 02.28.12 | Filed in The Walking Dead