The Bachelor: El Niño’s Revenge
After visiting the B’ettes hometowns last week, this week the tables are turned, and the B’ettes must visit DrAndy where he lives: in his pants! He wants to show them his everyday life, and the type of life they’d be leading as a Navy wife. Namely, boredom. Interrupted by occasional bouts of melancholy. And the constant threat of verbal assault at the tongue of Louis Gossett Jr.
Today is the first day DrAndy’s seen the B’ettes since they left Los Angeles. And there’s no place he’d rather show them first than the wreckage of the USS Arizona, which was destroyed in the attack on Pearl Harbor. DrAndy tells us today the ship is actually a cemetery. When it sank, over 1,000 men and women went down with it and lost their lives. Danielle of the Dead is going to feel so at home here.
The first B’ette to arrive is BabyBevin. She says seeing DrAndy in his Navy uniform was a real treat. Other things she considers a real treat: Rice-A-Roni. DrAndy shows her the Arizona’s gun turret, which is still above water. BabyBevin asks if it was on the ship. Not initially, he tells her, but the Japanese dropped it there, and it was so heavy that’s what caused the ship to sink. If only the man in charge of scanning the horizon for incoming gun turrets hadn’t hurt his ankle that morning running the tires trying to impress Hilo Hattie, the ship might still be floating today. BabyBevin can totally relate.
Next to visit the floating memorial is Danielle of the Dead. She tells us she’s so happy to be in Hawaii, and especially to Pearl Harbor, because it means a lot to Andy. And it gives her a natural segue to talk about her dead boyfriend. They throw some flowers in the water to honor the dead, then DrAndy explains the architecture of the memorial. Later, Danielle of the Dead tells us that going to the memorial shows DrAndy that she has respect for people in the military. She doesn’t know what goes into being a military wife, but she’ll do anything to find out what it takes. Cue HostChrisHarrison and another round of DVDA jokes.
The final B’ette to visit is Tessa. She thinks it’s really important to see DrAndy in his element, because the Navy is such a huge part of who he is. She doesn’t know if she could handle the Navy lifestyle yet, so she’s hoping this will help make up her mind. While they’re throwing flowers in the water, a little girl comes up and starts throwing their flowers too, because evidently they weren’t honoring the dead fast enough. DrAndy tells us it was foreshadowing in his mind: husband, wife, incessantly annoying bratty hellchild. Tessa tells us this visit helped convince her she could see herself in DrAndy’s life. Other places she could see herself: his pants!
After the break, we head off to the island of Kauai. DrAndy says you don’t come to this island unless you’re with a significant Other, because it’s the most romantic of all the Hawaiian islands. But don’t get your significant Other pregnant there, because she’ll only end up dying. Fortunately, I managed to avoid impregnating mrs. copygodd when we had our honeymoon there, a streak which is still going nine years later. Yay vasectomies!
“I give you two dollars, American.”
The first date: Tessa. The first activity: ziplines. Since she hasn’t shown her feelings for DrAndy yet, today it’s really important that she puts herself out there for him. Which explains why she stripped down as she zipped over the jungle. It doesn’t explain filling all her orifices with poi, but maybe that’s just a local thing.
Later, walking over a suspension bridge, Tessa tells DrAndy he’s only using her for support. “Isn’t that what you do in a relationship?” he replies. Tessa asks if the bridge is a metaphor for their relationship. Which makes her the first B’ette in the show’s history to know what a metaphor is. I’d say that should disqualify her from being on the show.
After the activity, they settle down with a nice picinic basket to watch the sunset. He tells her that Hawaii is his backyard, and he wants someone to share it with. Speaking of sharing, DrAndy reveals that one of his favorite things to do is go out before sunrise and swim, because it feels dangerous. Tessa says if he sees a shark, he’s supposed to punch him in the nose. I thought it was kick him in the nuts? Or maybe that’s what you do if you see Hillary Clinton…
After the first storm break, we rejoin DrAndy and Tessa sharing a romantic dinner. Or as romantic as a plate full of limp sushi can be. The chef has fashioned some piece of aquatic flesh into the shape of a rose, which DrAndy keeps trying to give to Tessa. I think it’s supposed to be a metaphor for sexual role playing, in which DrAndy is the chum, Tessa’s the naïve school marm and America is disgusted.
Tessa thinks it’s crazy how much fun they have together. DrAndy agrees. He loves how she can go from crazy zipline chick to his queen so quickly. At that, he hands her the Fantasy Suite invitation. “There’s nothing in the world that would make me happier than spending more time with you,” she tells him. So I guess we can cross Tessa off the list of people excited about the possibility of stem-cell research.
Upstairs in the Fantasy Suite, the two share a quick canoodle for the cameras, swap a few “Amazings!” and eat some more. Tessa tells DrAndy she’s glad he was patient with her, because it takes a while for her to open up. That’s because she wants everything she feels and says to be real. That’s just how Tessa rolls. Keeping it real, bitches.
The next date is with Danielle of the Dead. They’re going whale watching on a catamaran. As opposed to cat watching on
Rosie O’Donnell a whale. DrAndy felt an immediate connection with DotD, and it’s continued to grow all season. He just hopes DotD feels the same. If not, he’s liable to wake up dead one morning.
PETA is not going to be happy about this.
DrAndy says the visibility today is going to be “epic” and right on cue they start seeing dolphins. DotD says dolphins are one of her favorite animals. Especially in tuna salad. Not long after, they see some whales. The missus and I went whale hunting last year when we took an Alaskan cruise for our anniversary. And I must say, it was pretty exciting. Not as exciting as our trip clubbing baby seals the year before, but still…
With the whale watching out of the way, it’s time for some snorkeling. DrAndy tells us that’s what Hawaii is all about. Making the beast with two backs amidst a school of spawning fishies.
Danielle of the Dead swims with the fishes.
Back on ship, DotD quizzes DrAndy about his commitment to the Navy. He’s in for one more year, then he has to decide whether or not he wants to re-up. Of course, the outcome of this show will play a big role in his decision. But he really does love it in Hawaii. DotD loves it in Hawaii too. Not as much as she loves it in the butt, but it’s a close second.
During the conversation, she keeps going back to what a psychic told her years ago. At the time, DotD’s first boyfriend had yet to die. The psychic told her, however, that he was not the one for her. She would have two more serious relationships, and the third one would be the one. Much like when the Oracle told Trinity that Neo would be The One. Except Trinity’s other boyfriend didn’t have to die to make the prophecy come true. Although I’m sure Morpheus would’ve killed him if he thought it would make a difference.
Snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity, and DotD tells DrAndy that he is the chosen one. But why take her word for it? Especially when the producers have so generously provided the happy couple with a psychic of their own. But there is a catch: the corporate psychic does readings with regular cards, and it’s not so much about telling the future as it is a forecast of certain opportunities they might have so they can have clarity about the choices they want to make. Wow, I’m sure ABC’s lawyers had nothing to do with that little disclaimer.
And her forecast is? Stormy, with an outbreak of tornadic activity.
That’s right, the geniuses at Storm Tracker 13 decided this was another great time to interrupt with a storm update. And they kept updating it for the next 45 minutes, preempting the rest of The Bachelor and the first five minutes of their own newscast. And it’s not even sweeps week.
Meteorologist Matt Meister tells us the perfect storm is brewing…
Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I’m annoyed that I didn’t get to watch the rest of this episode. On the other hand, I’m elated that I didn’t get to watch the rest of this episode.
…in his pants!
So, did I miss anything?