True Blood: Tara, The Saddest Little Vampire

Lots of Tara this week, you guys. Brace yourselves. This is going to be the Season of Tara. Also: the fairies are back, Eric and Bill get caught up in all sorts of sexposition, Pam continues to be awesome, and JASON WAS RAPED AS A CHILD. Sorry, I’m just in shock that this is apparently a thing we are now going to have to learn about. Thankfully, there are very few werewolves or shapeshifting girlfriends this episode, which always makes things more enjoyable. Let’s get to it!

Tara is freaking out in the woods with her silver-melted face, which quickly heals. And now she can see all the galaxies? Cool vampire power, I guess. Sookie and Lafayette chase her. She runs. She sees a girl changing her tire and runs to eat her. So much suspense as we go into the opening credits! Will this random girl die?

Nope, she’s fine. Tara sees her reflection in the car window and I guess realizes who she is or something? Whatever the case, she goes running off after apologizing to the girl. Fun scene. Very informative.

Oh no, the boring vampire meeting is STILL GOING ON? Is this meeting being aired in real time? The vampires are still bickering about whether or not to let Eric and Bill hunt down Russell. (QUESTION: Bill and Eric already fucked this up once, and also Bill just sucks at everything he does. Does the vampire authority really not have, like, a vampire SEALs team or something on hand for these emergencies? Is BILL really your best and only option?)

“We’ve been in this meeting for 15 hours and we’ve only decided on what to order for lunch.”

Finally, Christopher Meloni kicks everyone out except Salome. He says Russell is the Osama bin Laden of the Sanguinistas, which I already pointed out last week. I SHOULD WRITE FOR THIS SHOW. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse that they explicitly stated this already-painfully-obvious metaphor. Christopher Meloni gives a big speech about Russell being dangerous, which, like, WE ALREADY KNOW. Let’s get a move on! Let’s go hunt him down!

After Bill and Eric are led out of the room, Christopher Meloni has them bring in the “new Nan Flanagan.” It’s Reverend Steve! Hey, Reverend Steve! You sure are everywhere these days! (Question: is the Authority based in Louisiana, like, right outside of Bon Temps? Because everyone seems to get there pretty quickly, and it definitely doesn’t look like it’s in Washington. Which raises the question I’ve asked a million times: WHY DO VAMPIRES ONLY EXIST IN LOUISIANA???)

This guy flip-flops more than JOHN KERRY, amiright?????

Pam is texting at superspeed, because vampires. Sookie comes to bother her to track Tara down. This season has already devoted FAR too many scenes to Sookie pestering Pam. This is all clearly leading to Pam being forced to mentor Tara, but we sure are going to take our time to get to that point! Pam says, “Fuck Tara and fuck you,” and super-pushes Sookie across the room, which is just the BEST. Someone gif that forever, because Pam pushing Sookie is nearly as satisfying as watching Joffrey get slapped on Game of Thrones. Sookie stands up and does her stupid fairy lightning blast at Pam, which I guess she can do at will now? Then she calmly walks out. Um, okay? Love those fairy lightning blasts. They always make so much sense.

Sam is working at Merlotte’s at night, which seems weird because he was just tortured, like, 15 hours ago. But I guess someone has to run his dumb bar! Anyway, he smells something outside, and it’s Tara, who is starving. Congratulations on being returned to a normal plot, Sam! It’s good to have you back.

Christopher Meloni tells Reverend Steve that Russell is still alive and dangerous and I am SO SICK of people talking about Russell being alive and dangerous. Steve smarmily says that if people start saying that, they can be spun to look like the same kind of people who think Elvis is still alive. Christopher Meloni gets mad for some reason and says Steve shouldn’t “make the humans a joke.” Um, what the fuck crawled up Meloni’s butt? I think Steve’s PR plan was great! Then Christopher Meloni gives his 100th speech about how the Sanguinistas are bad. WE GET IT. STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS.

Eric and Bill have to take their shirts off to get harnessed and HELLO TINA MAJORINO, GOOD TO SEE YOU! This is a genuinely delightful surprise, which is a rarity on this show. (By the way, I expect fucking LILITH, the “first vampire” or whatever, will probably show up at some point, and if they didn’t get Patricia Clarkson to play her, then they really messed up everything and the entire crew should be fired.)

Hi, Tina! Hope you have more to do on this show than just putting bras on vampires!

Tina Majorino is a spunky vampire who puts these dumb harnesses that look like bras on their chests, which can instantly pierce the guys’ hearts with stakes at the touch of a button. “How do you trigger these?” Bill asks. “There’s an app for that,” Tina says and I SCREAM at my TV. Tina Majorino, you are better than outdated iPhone jokes. (By the way, the harnesses are called iStakes, if you were looking for a chance to have your brain seep out of your eyes.) It should be noted that these harnesses are a direct rip-off of the exploding necklaces in “Battle Royale,” but I guess all of pop culture has decided to just steal liberally from that movie.

Sookie and Lafayette are cleaning Sookie’s house and discussing the fact that Tara’s still missing. We already know that, show. Thanks for reminding us.

Tara, meanwhile, is chugging like a zillion Tru Bloods at Merlotte’s. She hates Sookie and Lafayette now. YOUR HEAD WAS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS, DUMMY. Then she passes out mid-sentence, which is LOLOLOLOL hilarious. What was THAT about? It’s never explained. Do vampires get super sleepy after drinking a lot of Tru Blood? Because that was like a cartoon version of narcolepsy. That was odd. Let’s move on.

The sheriff is getting teased by his staff because Holly’s douchebag teenage son put a picture of his naked ass on Facebook. (That’s right, first iPhone jokes, now Facebook! Looks like the writing staff took the year off to attend a few social media seminars!!!) Also, Debbie’s parents are in town, investigating her murder. Good, we needed more werewolves on this show.

“We are here to annoy everybody.”

Jason is shopping for pickles because of gay jokes. He recognizes a blonde lady. They flirt. Turns out blonde lady was his teacher and she statutory raped him. EEK! I do not like where this is going already. True Blood fails miserably when it tries to go down these serious plotlines, so this is going to be a disaster. Jason looks ready to bang his teacher again. Gross.

In the third scene in a row that is totally useless, Arlene and Terry fight AGAIN, and Terry says he’s going with Patrick, but he won’t say where. (Remember: he’s going to hunt down a psychotic arsonist army buddy. Or whatever.) These two are worthless.

Lafayette and Sookie decide to come to work for the first time in a year, to look for Tara. Sookie reads Sam’s mind, and he is thinking, “Boobs boobs boobs boobs,” which is actually pretty funny because we all think like that whenever Sookie is wearing her Merlotte’s T-shirt. But then Sam thinks “walk-in,” and Sookie figures out Tara is in the walk-in freezer. So now they have to wait until she wakes up.

PAM FLASHBACK. Eric is looking at all the whores. Pam calls an Asian lady “the chink,” which feels like a forced “this scene is set in the past when everyone was racist!” line. Eric only wants Pam. We think we’re cutting to a Pam/Eric sex scene, but instead we see Bill eating out a whore??? BILL GET OUT OF HERE YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING. He’s with Lorena, his old maker! This bitch again? Ugh. Eric storms in and it’s the first time he and Bill meet. They hate each other right away, no duh. Lorena is all apologetic, because this is Eric’s territory. Eric makes Lorena apologize to Pam for eating all her whores. Pam asks for $500. WHY IS PAM NOT FREAKED OUT ABOUT ALL THE VAMPIRES RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE AND EATING ALL HER WHORES???? This is seriously insane. She doesn’t even look confused about learning that vampires actually exist???? This is fucking nuts. She even makes out with Eric. I don’t understand what is going on. Did she already know vampires existed? Or is she just, like, the most unshakeable person in human history?

Typical reaction to learning undead monsters walk the earth and eat whores.

Jason is at his teacher’s house, and the teacher feels bad for raping him when he was a kid. Jason fingers his teacher and she loves it. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE, PLEASE STOP SHOWING US THESE HORRIBLE THINGS.

Speaking of horrible things, Debbie’s parents are asking Alcide about Debbie’s whereabouts. Apparently Alcide works at a Home Depot or something? No idea how he hasn’t been fired, as he’s always running off to do his werewolf things (no idea how ANYONE maintains a career on this show). Alcide says he “abjured” Debbie, and based on their reactions, that’s a really terrible thing to do to someone. He says she was fucking the packmaster and doing drugs. They’re like, “Nuh uh.”

MORE DEBBIE SCENES. The sheriff is questioning Sookie about her. Okay, why is everyone so concerned about Debbie? Hasn’t everyone on this show killed, like, three people already? Why is Debbie suddenly the FIRST murder ever being investigated in this worthless town? We learn that Sookie and Lafayette forgot to get rid of her car or her wallet or her keys, which is just SO Sookie and Lafayette. They’re like Thelma and Louise with brain damage. Also, Andy and Holly agree to be girlfriends. This is only notable for the awful line, “You realize I’m a witch, right?” Holly, shut up.

Jason fucked his teacher on the floor! Now he feels bad and he says she shouldn’t have statutory raped him! TURNS OUT THE REASON JASON FUCKS EVERYONE IS BECAUSE HE WAS STATUTORY RAPED BY HIS TEACHER, AND THIS IS JUST THE WORST THING THIS SHOW HAS EVER TRIED TO DO. Was anyone REALLY clamoring for a reason as to why Jason has sex with lots of people? He’s sexy, that’s all we need to know.

“Jason? Where are you going? … Guess I’ll just rape this cat.”

Bill meets with Salome in secret, and she goes on a very clunky expository story about how she’s ACTUALLY the Biblical Salome (“Oh brother,” I groaned out loud to myself). Apparently she only asked for John the Baptist’s head on a silver platter because she was raped by her dad or something? Gross, stop this right now, True Blood. Why does Salome have, like, a Russian accent? She and Bill have sex for no reason, out of nowhere, because that’s what two characters do on this show.

How vampires say hello.

Jessica is shopping for a dress and she gets real sassy at the shopgirl, who is one of Jason’s exes. Some NERD comes in with an earring and possibly a British accent and Jessica screams, “YOU SMELL AWESOME, WHAT ARE YOU,” which is not a very good way to get someone to tell you “what” they are. He runs out and drives away. She chases him to an empty field and can’t find him, even though she can smell him everywhere. UGH, I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING MORE FAIRIES.

Ummmmmm can we all look at Hoyt for a second?

I have nothing more to add to that. It is perfect.

Pam flashes back to post-sex with Eric in 1905. She asks him to be a vampire. He says it’s too much obligation to be a Maker. She says, “Make me and leave me,” and he compares it to throwing a baby in the gutter. We see Eric’s ass, for those who want to skip to this scene. She gets up and starts crying and then SLITS HER WRISTS, forcing him to turn her into a vampire. OH DAMN, GIRL. Pam is awesome.

Eric meets with Salome in secret. She knows that Eric’s sister is Nora. She’s Nora’s mentor or something? She sponsored her chancellorship? I have no idea how the vampire bureaucracy is structured, so I don’t really know what any of this means. But Salome is acting all shady. Then she gets naked and she has sex with Eric, ten minutes after fucking Bill, which is just SO GROSS.

Nora’s being tortured by Sharon Osbourne. Nora admits she’s a Sanguinista. Cool.

Jessica comes over to Jason’s. She’s all horny after smelling that stupid nerd fairy. Jason doesn’t want to have sex with anyone anymore, because he’s realizing he was raped or whatever. This plot line is AWFUL and I hate it SO MUCH. Especially in light of the whole Sandusky stuff? Just stop it, True Blood. He says he doesn’t know how to be friends with girls, and she says she’ll put on sweatpants and they’ll sit and have a beer and talk and just be friends, and in a surprising turn of events I kind of find this scene sweet? I know, I’m ashamed of myself. Still, though, let’s STOP with the statutory rape PTSD bullshit plot. Immediately.

Tara dreams about eating Arlene. I dream about them eating each other. Alcide is bothering Sookie about Debbie. Tara goes insane and calls Sookie out in front of everyone for turning her into a vampire. Alcide is now mad at Sookie. Everyone is mad at Sookie for making Tara a vampire. Are they mad because they’re protective of Tara, or are they mad because they were hoping, like the rest of us, that she would stay dead?

Bill and Eric are in an elevator in Hunger Games track suits. Bill teases Eric for getting sloppy seconds. Meanwhile, Chris Meloni and Salome are talking. I guess she was fucking them to see if they could be trusted? Seems like there’s a better way to go about figuring that out. Anyway, Salome and Chris Meloni have sex, which makes it THREE TIMES Salome has had sex in 30 minutes and I am just so grossed out. Everyone has syphilis on this show.


Then something totally insane and stupid happens: Lafayette turns into his little demon witch-faced monster or whatever and POURS BLEACH INTO THE GUMBO. Hahahahahahahaha worst demon ever. Then Lafayette stops being a demon and is like, “THERE’S BLEACH IN THE GUMBO,” and pours it all out. This was just great and highly necessary.

Punk’d: Demon edition.

Sookie tells Alcide she killed Debbie. He seems kind of cool with it. Not sure why he’s not more upset that his wife got blasted in the face with a shotgun.

Tara’s wandering town, all pissed off and still wearing her bloody jean jacket. She stops at a beauty salon, which makes me laugh because I think we’re about to get a hilarious haircutting scene to signify, like, Tara’s growing confidence or whatever. Instead, she goes into a tanning bed and turns it on to kill herself. TARA, YOU SUCK AT KILLING YOURSELF. This is the 20th almost-suicide scene for Tara this show has done, and we all know she will never, ever, ever die, so let’s just stop this nonsense right here. Pam senses Tara’s killing herself and the last line is, “You stupid bitch,” which is actually kind of funny. Can Pam just start mentoring Tara so we can move this along? Maybe Pam will actually make Tara into an enjoyable character for once? We can only hope.

Danny | 06.25.12 | Filed in Recaps,True Blood

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