TRUE BLOOD: How The Smoke Monster Got Its Groove Back
Previously on True Blood: Sookie and Alcide were hooking up, Eric and Bill were looking for Russell, Tara and Pam were bonding, and 50 other characters were doing a lot of unrelated bullshit. Oh yeah, and the fairies are back. Can’t forget about the stupid fairies! This week: the smoke monster from LOST shows it has the best agent in Hollywood.
Anyway, we pick up with Sookie and Alcide going upstairs to have sex. FINALLY Alcide takes his shirt off, which is the only thing he’s good for, and then Sookie barfs on his feet. She is honestly the most annoying drunk girl ever. Eric and Bill are in the doorway watching this, because they are creeps.
Lafayette is freaking out at home because he’s a demon or whatever. He does some spell or prayer and all his religious icons start talking to him and also children are laughing. It all sounds like one of those generic “Spooky Halloween Party!” CDs you can buy at the Dollar Tree.
Terry and Patrick are tied up in the crazy guy’s basement or whatever. I don’t know what’s going on with this. The guy is their arson buddy from Iraq. Let’s ignore this for now.
One of the many instances in which I find myself screaming, “KILL THEM!” at my TV during this show.
Jason wakes up in dreamland and he’s got He-Man pajamas on. His parents are alive! Everyone’s happy at breakfast! Oh, but mom and dad have blood shooting out of their necks. Jason wakes up and his phone is ringing. And he’s naked! We get a much-needed shot of Jason’s ass. Andy is also naked and also woken up by a phone ringing, and we do NOT need more shots of his ass, but there you go. Arlene walks in and finds him naked on her couch. Wait, I forget how these two are related. Are they siblings? Are they friends? Whatever, not important.
He-Man’s abs make me want to see Jason’s abs and this whole thing is making me feel weird.
Bill and Eric are forcing Sookie to drink coffee. They want to talk to Alcide’s friend Doug. UM, WHO IS DOUG? They keep talking about Doug like we’re supposed to know him. Alcide wants to protect Doug. Bill and Eric MUST talk to Doug. I hate Doug. Sookie is drunk, so she pictures the three men all barking at each other like dogs? Has Alan Ball ever actually BEEN drunk? This is not something that happens to drunk people, unless I’ve been doing this drinking thing wrong all this time. Anyway, the four of them all set off to find this Doug character. Can’t wait to meet the famous Doug.
At Fangtasia, Pam is making Tara bartend. Good to know even though she’s an immortal being, Tara is still just the go-to fill-in bartender for Bon Temps. Some stupid blonde girl hits on Tara, and Tara goes to eat her. Pam holds Tara up against the wall and is like, “Don’t eat anyone in public where you can get reported.” Um, literally EVERY human in this bar is walking around with highly visible neck bite scars? Sooooooooo you guys aren’t hiding that little fetish very well.
Alcide introduces us to DOUG! Are you guys ready for this???? Doug is………… some fat guy in a parking garage. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! So great. I think this is the parking garage where Russell was buried or whatever. Sookie reads Doug’s mind and the first thing she flashes back to is Doug shoveling nachos in his face. CLASSIC DOUG. Then she sees a woman digging Russell out of the concrete with her bare hands (reason #1,005 why burying Russell under two feet of concrete was the worst idea possible) and now Russell is a gross Voldemort demon baby being carried. The woman has a bat pendant necklace (VERY original necklace for a vampire to wear). Bill thinks it’s Nora. Eric says it can’t be.
Burned vampire baby SAD.
We see Nora in jail, wearing the bat necklace. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN. This character we just met two episodes ago betrayed people! OH NO! So dramatic. We were all so invested in Nora before this. I’ll never recover from this betrayal.
You know what’s great? These scenes where the members of the Authority sit around and complain about how Bill and Eric aren’t doing anything. Really love these scenes. They never get dull. Salome decides to put a time limit on Bill and Eric finding Russell – dawn, or their chests explode. UM, RELAX, LADY. YOU GAVE THEM LIKE ONLY 12 HOURS TO DO THIS WHOLE THING.
Meanwhile, Christopher Meloni is staring at a vial of blood in a museum case. Oh great, can’t wait to hear what made-up Bible joke this will be! Chris Meloni expresses grief at the loss of Drew, and I’m like, “Who is Drew?” before I remember that STUPID VAMPIRE CHILD he killed. Oh god. I thought we agreed to never mention that kid, let alone call him DREW, as if he was a real thing. He was a baby. Get over it. Anyway, the vial of blood is supposed to be Lilith’s blood. Christopher Meloni says it’s probably not, but people believe that shit. SUCH SUBTLE RELIGIOUS COMMENTARY ON THIS SHOW.
“Thank you for coming to my Museum of Extremely Obvious Metaphors.”
The conversation between Christopher Meloni and Salome literally turns into a fight about PR techniques. You know, when tuning into a show that’s supposed to be about undead creatures fucking and killing, what I really want to see is PUBLIC RELATION STRATEGY DISCUSSIONS.
Back to the shitty Iraq War arson genie plot! The crazy guy says he saw the fire chase their friend and kill him. OH NO I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE FIRE GENIE BUT IT’S LITERALLY GOING TO BE A FIRE GENIE????? This show constantly outdoes itself. He calls it a “shriek” or something, I can’t really understand anything he’s saying. He Googled it. That’s supposed to be funny, I think. This show loves referencing popular websites, as if just saying, “the Huffington Post” is a really hilarious punch line. It’s not.
And now we have to go through another insufferable Iraq War flashback. Basically, they killed all those villagers and then an old lady cursed them (the idea of an old Arab lady knowing magic and how to curse people kind of seems vaguely racist, right?). She summons an “ifrit,” which according to Wikipedia is a real thing from Arab history that we’re just going to go ahead and commandeer. Hi, Iraq, sorry we totally fucked up your country, but while we’re here we’re going to take aspects of your culture and turn them into joke monsters on one of our shittiest American TV shows. Good luck with sorting out all your issues and thanks for the memories! Gross, True Blood. Go away. Terry shoots the old lady in the face because Terry is a JERK. That flashback felt like it went on for most of my adult life.
Turns out Andy and Jason were called to come investigate the Murder Mystery of Who Killed the Stupid Shapeshifter Nerds. Jason immediately asks Andy, “Do you remember how we got back from the club?” which is a VERY professional thing for one police officer to say to another when standing over the recently murdered bodies of two civilians. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: throw everyone on this show in jail. Jason tells Andy that fairies are real and I’ll skip over the lame gay joke Andy makes because let’s all be better than that.
Andy FINALLY gets around to doing some actual policework and interviews Sam. Sam confesses that they’re all shapeshifters. Andy takes this whole thing in stride. Remember when people on this show used to at least react SOMEWHAT like humans when finding out about new magical things? Andy just learned that he had sex with a fairy and that the guy who makes his breakfast every day has been a shape-shifter all this time and he was just like, “Whatever.” Are the writers even trying anymore?
Jessica orders a drink from Tara and Tara somehow knows exactly how to mix Tru Blood perfectly. They bitch about how their makers totally suck (Tara, shut up; Jessica has by FAR the worse situation). GIRL TAAAAALK. Jessica says it’s really scary and lonely and Tara looks so happy to have someone to relate to, and, uhhhhh I’m kind of starting to like Tara? OH NO STOP THE MADNESS. THIS IS SO WEIRD. I HATE THIS FEELING. But seriously, it only took five seasons for them to finally figure out SOMETHING to give Tara’s character some dimension other than “I’m so mad all the time!” Anyway, they become besties.
“We’ll be best friends forever!”
The worst road trip in history continues, with Doug now added to the car, as Sookie continues to read his mind. Bill is paranoid and thinks Nora is leading them right to Russell as an offering, to get Russell to join Nora’s Sanguinista cause. (Um, isn’t Russell basically the FOUNDER of the Sanguinistas??? Didn’t he rip a guy’s SPINE out on national television and declare war on all the humans? Isn’t he CLEARLY already on Nora’s side? Bill is honestly the dumbest person imaginable.)
Tina Majorino is calling! Yay, Tina Majorino’s back on the show! She tells them that their “iStakes” (ugh ugh ugh a million times ugh) have been activated and they have until dawn or they’ll both explode. She’s so casual about it and it’s supposed to be funny but it just makes my skin crawl with how desperate this show is trying to be witty. No one, no matter how much of a jaded techno-teen vampire they are, would say, “Peace out!” to two guys she just told will be dead in a few hours. Tina Majorino, you are MUCH better than doing a half-assed Juno impression. Shame on everyone involved.
Challenging her role in Waterworld for new career lows.
Anyway, Doug leads them to an abandoned insane asylum, OF COURSE. It’s kind of shocking we haven’t been to an abandoned insane asylum on this show until now. Bill wants Sookie to wait outside. Sookie reminds them that her “microwave hands” (actually a thing she says) can help protect them. They all go in. Don’t know why Doug is still forced to go along with these people. Poor Doug.
Jason finds a bullet in a tree. Andy looks at it and is like, “The shooter stood over there.” These two went from bumbling idiots to literally the BEST DETECTIVES IN HISTORY. Love the consistency this show maintains. Long story short, Jason is becoming anti-vampire again. Didn’t we do this, like, three seasons ago?
Alcide smells wolves in the insane asylum. They find a rat chewing on a hand and then rats chewing on LOTS OF DEAD BODIES. This scene kind of has a fun horror movie quality to it that I genuinely enjoy.
Back at Fangtasia, Tara is smoking a cigarette. Um, do vampires smoke? Do vampires even BREATHE? She smokes the whole cigarette in one breath, which seems pretty wasteful. What’s the point of even smoking it, then? Oh god, and now HOYT is here and honestly just look at how fucking shitty he looks:
Hoyt, no. Stop.
Hoyt wants Tara to eat him. Tara won’t. The look on her face tells us she will, though. Great. Whatever.
OH NO MORE IRAQ WAR FLASHBACKS! This shit will seriously never, ever, ever end. We are trapped in this nightmare forever. Turns out Terry also saw the fire demon in Iraq! Wait, WHAT?! Why did he not mention that earlier?! You know, when EVERY IRAQ WAR VET’S house was burning to the ground randomly??? Might have called a few buddies up and been like, “Hey, just an FYI, I saw a fire demon in Iraq.” Or, you know, instead of wildly accusing one of your old army pals of being a serial arsonist murderer, you could have said, “Wait, maybe this is from that fire demon I saw?” But no, Terry decided to keep his mouth shut until now. I hope he gets eaten by a fire demon, and I hope it happens very soon.
“This is definitely a thing I should not tell any of my buddies about even after some of them get killed by mysterious fires.”
Anyway, the two of them manage to talk their way out of handcuffs and then Patrick ties up their crazy friend. Terry and Patrick go upstairs to argue about whether or not fire demons exist and then OBVIOUSLY while they’re up there the fire demon kills the crazy guy downstairs. The fire demon, by the way, basically looks exactly like the smoke monster from LOST, and I swear to god they even play the exact same ticking noise that always accompanied the smoke monster. Uhhhhh did they think none of us would remember watching LOST?
Okay, then shit gets really crazy, which is saying something for this show. Lafayette wakes up to find Jesus’s severed head sitting on his bedside table, with his lips sewed shut. Then someone who I think is Lafayette’s mom but maybe it’s Tara’s mom I honestly don’t remember ALSO wakes up to find Jesus’s head on HER bedside table? But she seems like she’s very familiar with this whole sewed-shut-head-on-a-table schtick, because she says, “Fine, I’ll tell him,” and then starts yelling for Lafayette. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, WHAT? What is this? Who is this lady? Why is she yelling for Lafayette? Is she upstairs at Lafayette’s house? Why is she friends with Jesus’s disembodied head? Why is his head in two places at once? Oh god, I just know this shit is going to be terrible to try to parse. Let’s not waste our time on it until we have to.
Doug runs away from the dead bodies in the asylum and he finds some guys hanging in straight jackets. One guy wants to be let free, but everyone ignores him and goes to find where they take the bodies. Ummmmmm you could have at least let the guy go? Seems a little rude to just turn your back on the poor dude hanging in a straight jacket.
Sam goes to his girlfriend’s house. OH NO, THIS BROAD AGAIN? He tells her their friends are dead. For not having called these guys in a long time, these two sure are making their friends’ deaths all about them! Good friends. She quickly gets Sam out of the house because her daughter is making a lot of noise in her room because REMEMBER HOW HER DAUGHTER IS NOW A CUTE PUPPY????? I almost forgot about that! God, if only every child would turn into a cute puppy. Every single flight would instantly transform from the worst experience to the GREATEST. Instead of screaming babies, we’d all have puppies scampering about on the plane?! This is the best thing True Blood has ever done.
WAIT, I SPOKE TOO SOON, BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST THING: some guys in Nixon masks (of course) drive up and shoot Sam, and then his girlfriend comes out (love how her train of thought was clearly, “I just heard a gunshot outside, better leave my daughter and go out to investigate!”). She gets shot like twice and dies and I’m CHEERING at my television. I love when they kill off these useless characters. One down, 28 to go! Her daughter comes outside and Sam is like “RUN!” and she turns into the cutest puppy ever and goes running away. YAY THAT LADY IS DEAD AND WE HAVE A FUN NEW PUPPY FRIEND!
RIP Terrible Mother. :(
Christopher Meloni is giving another really tedious speech about vampire/human relationships. Does Aaron Sorkin freelance write for this show? Every episode does NOT have to have the exact same monologue in it, you guys.
We see what the characters are doing while the speech is voice-overed: Jason is at his parents’ grave and clearly he hates vampires now (um, remember how we found out two episodes that he was raped by his teacher and he was worried that she turned him into a sex addict? What ever happened with THAT plot line???). Tara and Jessica are both eating people in the bathroom and Tara is eating Hoyt! Jessica and Tara fight. NO LONGER BFFS. RIP Tara and Jessica’s friendship, 2012-2012.
And then Sookie, Bill, Eric, Alcide, and DOUG go into a room and find Russell in a hospital bed. He does NOT look like he’s ready to fight anyone. And then something happens behind the group and Alcide growls and it quickly goes to the credits. I’m sorry if that made no sense, but it made no sense when I watched it, either. It honestly looked like Alcide dropped something on the ground, like it was some sort of blooper that was accidentally left in. Which, let’s face it, would not be surprising on True Blood.