America’s Got Talent: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
By far the most impressive thing about Johnny Lonestar is that he refers to being a lasso and bull riding expert as the “western arts”. That’s like calling a farting contest the gastrointestinal Olympics. In the man’s defense he twirls a mighty fine rope. And when he puts himself in the middle of the huge lasso, up and down and in and out of the center hole, I imagine that even if he doesn’t win this contest, he can change his name to Johnny Bonestar and have a very lucrative career in a very specific kind of porn. His huge goofy smile is also endearing.
The audience loves him. Sharon dubs him the happiest cowboy she’s ever seen. And she knows cowboys. Lest we forget she was right in the next recording studio when she heard that Bon Jovi was a cowboy who rode on a steel horse, and was, apparently, wanted. Dead or alive. Bitch is Rock & Roll royalty.
Speaking of Royalty, resident snooty Brit, Piers says that he likes cowboys who shoot things; if Johnny Lonestar had shot something he’d have liked him. Well, if that’s the logic we’re using, if this show was on in February, and called American Idol and you were Simon Cowell, I would like it. The Hoff and Sharon think being a twirler, something that most girls grow out of before the end of 3rd grade, is worth $1 million dollars, despite Piers’ disdain. Johnny Lonestar lives another die.
Next up, is Cinda Ramseur we know is going to be awesome because: 1) she’s getting a lot of screen time; 2) she’s old. Like 40! 3) I’ve seen her on the commercials. I find that her use of “this is my passion; this is what I am” to describe her love of singing, makes me hate her a little bit, which, just so you know, doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. Neither did killing those Asian prostitutes on that surfing trip, but hey, sometimes things just happen…
Unfortunately for me, she is quite wonderful singing, “One Night Only”, although this pattern of sassy black up and coming singers, taking on songs that Jennifer Hudson sang in “Dreamgirls” is kind of getting old. She has a great voice, and mostly because, she’s SO OLD, she has a lot of control and maturity to her voice. Unfortunately for Cinda, she also has a FIVE-head. Can’t win ‘em all sweety.
Sharon asks Cinda to repeat her name, because now no one is going to forget it. Sharon must be having an acid flashback, because, well, she just did forget her name. Piers gives her a backhanded compliment, telling her that “no matter what happens” she’ll be able to look back and say that she gave it her all. The Hoff, uses the title of the song for a play on words, saying that, get this, this WAS Cinda’s one night! She unanimously gets through.
Umm. She sings. With her mouth closed. Like a ventriloquist, but she has her own hand up her own ass. It sort of looks like her talent is looking like she’s about to boot after a night of drinking.
Piers calls it the most ridiculous thing he has ever seen. Its nos all around.
In between we get a cluster of shots of other “wacky” talents, that aren’t quite endearing or nutty enough to get a whole entire segment on the air. Included are, an old guy who plays the trumpet without the use of a trumpet (no, that’s not a euphemism), an asshole who locks himself in a washing machine, almost to his death, a dude who is literally, half Sonny and half Cher and a guy who can play music using just his hands (again, not a euphemism).
Popovich Comedy Pet Theatre
Is loving pussy this much, really a talent? I guess so as this ass face lets out a series of cats to do some zany stunts. The cats run about on cue and jump through stuff and on stuff and over stuff. I don’t really give a shit though, because cats are the devils messengers, as I have to take out my EpiPen just from seeing all these death eaters running around on TV (to quote the Secret of NIMH, “I’mmm alllergiccc to caaaaats.”).
Piers tries to save face, since the audience and the world at large have fallen head over hears from all of these commie cats, saying he only buzzed them early to see if the cat would get distracted during one of its stunts. So he wasn’t trying to get the act off stage, he was trying to make the cat, rescued form a shelter, lose its concentration while jumping through the air through a hoop, hoping that, what? The cat would miss its mark, snag its little neck on the ring and get it snapped right off? You’re a good man, Piers. The Hoff and Sharon love it, because apparently they’ve never been to a zoo, or a back alley of a Chinese food restaurant, before. Like it or not little girl Popovich, is looking to get it…
Because I skipped through Lil ‘C’s introduction, I have no idea of it’s a boy or a girl, and the fact that it’s 11 doesn’t help. It starts out, poorly, poorly rapping (Lil ‘C, I know Bow Wow, and you, are no Bow Wow), but then inadvertently paraphrases ‘N Sync, circa “Pop”, when it says “I’m tired of rappin’! Let’s dance.” The kids got some pwetty schweet moves, I have to admit.
The Hoff, didn’t love the rapping, but his mind was blown by the dancing. To blow The Hoff’s mind? Can you imagine with that mind has seen? Baywatch Nights, anyone? This kid MUST be good. By the way its name is Holton, or Carlton… or maybe Fred… so I’m guessing, it’s a boy. Everyone’s in agreement that he should leave the rapping to K-Fed and stick with the dancing. He’s through to Las Vegas.
Next up is a medley of cross dressers/transvestites/transsexuals looking for life, love and fame outside of Chelsea, New York. Sadly, they are all pretty bad. Wouldn’t it have been just fantastic if just one of these people weren’t acting like a fool? Like a 6’ 2” black linebacker coming out dressed as a woman, but performing a soul stirring monologue from Hamlet. That would’ve been such a refreshing change of pace.
This was the one sexually reconsidered contestant to get the full-audition treatment. And wow. Does s/he deserve it? S/he sings like an angel. The heavens rained down kitten teardrops and women started to shine bright, blinding lights from their vaginas and Shiite and Sunni Muslims put down their weapons and started one big happy circle jerk of friendship. No, wait. None of that happened. S/he sucked. Sorry, my bad.
Hmm… a black man dressed up as an old lady for the sake of “comedy”. I for one say, “Thank You Black Jesus!!!” I just knew there was comic gold left unmined by the Martin Lawrence Opus Big Mama’s House. One AND Two. To be fair, Granny Pearl isn’t offensively bad, but as we’ll hear the judges undoubtedly say in just a few moments, we’re looking for an act that is worth $1 million dollars. And although, what he does in his 90 second audition to set back African Americans, women and cross dressing comedians is impressive, I don’t believe it’s worth a cool mil. Bonus points, however, for referring to a vagina as a Sanjaya. I’m sure it’s been used elsewhere much, much better, but, hilarious none the less.
Granny Pearl starts off his post-audition with some grand sucking up, telling Sharon Osborne that she is America’s Queen. Ahh, but Sharon Osborne knows a thing or two about compliment giving, claiming she’s simply a Duchess in comparison to Granny Pearl. Somewhere, both of the Fergies are sharpening knives preparing for a battle of epic proportions.
The Hoff votes the Granny through, noting that he’s afraid of shim. Anyone else notice that both Piers and The Hoff make the homophobic antics of Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, downright tame and veiled? Granted I said that in the same breath as using the term “shim”, but I’m sure the six people who read this particular recap, will take it with a grain of fabulous. Piers doesn’t think that Granny can win the competition. I think someone’s still smarting from backing the Rapping Granny last year, which ended only in tears. It doesn’t matter, because for all her bad assery, Sharon is a puppet to the studio audience and brings Granny back.
The Magic of Eli Kerr
At first, I was pretty sure that this talent was going to be reenacting key scenes from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Alas, it’s, to my estimation, a pretty lame magic show. This brother/sister act, which, by the way, make the siblings in Flowers in the Attic blush, do a lot of running about, and Eli makes his sister disappear. The most impressive thing is that it seems like right before the audition they snuck into a state fair and stole the Gravitron ride to use for the disappearing mechanism. The only plus is that after Eli reappears his sister, he makes another chick come out of the Gravitron and she is way, way hotter than his sister. Nice work, Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf.
Surprisingly, the three Rhodes Scholars at the judging table didn’t notice the obvious mirror under the Gravitron allowing all this disappearing and reappearing and ugly duckling turning into swans, etc. Riff Raff, Magenta and Columbia move on to Las Vegas.
Galadin is a male Belly Dance, which answers the question that was on everyone’s lips: Yes, there are male Belly Dancers. Galadin has the audience on his side, especially when he’s shaking his man tatas (from what I gather, when you’re not a fat tard, they’re called “pecs”… I’m going to have to google that). But after a bout 20 seconds he loses everyone, except Sharon, who takes a page out of the Paula Abdul book of inappropriate lust, by basically introducing Galadin’s face to her camel toe.
Sharon thinks that he is: “As camp as Christmas”. The judges note that Galadin wasn’t exactly making his stomach dance, but rather his man tatas. Galadin responds to this, by saying that his moves are how male belly dancers shake their stuff. He’s a man; he doesn’t want to dance like a girl.
The short answer is no, even after Jerry Springer comes out shirtless to show us that Galadin is at least better than him, or after Galadin tries to impress us with his rapping skills. Another question with the answer no? Will I be able to get an erection for 24 hours after watching this?
Johnny Come Lately
Kind of a saucy name for a group of 15 year olds, who are in a band that include a cello, no? But who am I kidding? These guys are my favorite thing of the summer so far. Chick drummer? Love it. Punk hairdos all around. Yes please. Hound Dog as their audition song? Thank you. Four sophomores in High School who are cooler than I am and who get more trim then I will ever know? I’m comfortable with that. These kids were really bad ass, and, come on, when the guitar guy jumped ON TOP of the Cello midsong and kept playing… Pete Wentz can learn a thing or two… Am I too old to make a Fall Out Boy reference? Dear God, I think so.
Obviously, they get a unanimous string of yeses from the judges. Look out Bianca Ryan!
Because the producers of America’s Got Talent are such clever, clever folks, they decide to show us an example of refreshingly talented teenagers we want to root for (Johnny Come Lately) in succession with a horribly untalented teenage we can’t help but not root for. Meet Tika Rainn, the Valley Girl Rapper. She’s awful, in every way a person can be awful. Not only is she a terrible rapper – shocking as that might seem – her whole Valley Girl Shtick, doesn’t even seem legit. Bitch is from Englewood, I bet!
The judges give her about 30 seconds before ripping her to shreds. What I do love is her passive aggressive comments to the audience who booed her, saying that when they are up on stage trying to live their dreams she will be in the audience applauding them. Then she mooned the entire audience, which kind of took away the sincerity of her previous statement.
Jason and Nolan
Twin violinists. What could be so bad about that? The poor guys get on stage, and in about 20 seconds get the triple X. They then complain about the fact that they didn’t even get to the singing part of their act. The Hoff demands justice and allows the X’s to be removed. They then get to the part with the singing and they are able to get maybe half a word out before all three X’s are back on the screen. I’m pretty sure that none of the judges even heard a note.
They get a big no, but just to make sure we know that Piers is a total dick, he calls them a couple of geeks with instruments.
Diana is a 75 year old woman who turned to disco dancing after her husband died. She’s absolutely adorable. And HOTTTTT. MMMMMMM. She’s wearing a see through skirt, with spandex underneath. You tease you! She decides to sing and dance “Last Dance” and pretty soon into it, Piers buzzes her, which she reacts to like this:
The audience takes this as a permission slip signed by Satan to boo my future fuck buddy. However, as she goes on, she wins them over. You know who else she wins over? The Hoff, who apparently also loves GILFs. He however would rather see her riding his face and singing to his mother than on this show. Sharon passes her through, mostly because I think that she sees her future in Diana’s green sequenced top. Piers, makes a complete about face, and passes Diana through, much to the dismay of The Hoff, who is now the only asshole who wanted to send the sweet old lady who took care of Tweety Bird and Sylvester, home in tears. Dick.
Cocoa Brown is BBB. Big. Black. Beautiful. Although I don’t think this show is the proper forum for comics, I really like Cocoa. It’s hard for me to find her amusing as she’s trying to fit 30 minutes of comedy into 90 seconds of audition, but she has a nice stage presence and she is really funny AFTER her audition is up, making fun of Piers’ accent, etc. Sure, I wish she didn’t go to the Mo’nique school of “skinny bitches suck”, but you can only win so many of these battles. In a world of Jason and Nolan’s, I’ll take Cocoa any day.
He’s a pogo sticker. Yeah, it seems like the least bad ass talent of all time, but I think the kid is pretty sick on the stick. First off, when I was seventeen years old, there was a very different stick I was putting the pogo on, so for that alone I commend him. He does all the usual skateboarding tricks and moves – except in the air about 30 feet. He starts to get a little boring until brother does a back flip on the pogo stick. Sold and sold.
Much to my surprise, all three of the judges don’t think that he is worthy of going through to the next round. Can we just trot Diana out here again? Cause apparently, being old and super cute is much more impressive. Sorry, Fred.
Probably my favorite disaster of the night. Apparently Liang Patti, escaped her disapproving family in some Asian country, where being a plate juggler/spinner is a disgrace. The more I see of Liang Patti, I wonder if perhaps she fled via a mail-order-bride program, but if there wasn’t any such thing as mail-order-marriages I wonder how Paul Newman would’ve lived without Joanne Woodward all these years. Yeah, I went there. Deal with it.
As Liang, spins her plates with epic ferocity (I’ll admit it’s impressive, in a look that guy can swallow his own fist but why would he want to kind of way), Piers buzzes her, again not because he doesn’t like her, but to test her ability to handle a crowd. I suspect, however, the real reason that Piers does this is because of his very, very small penis.
After her performance, we learn that Liang (cute as an ornate Asian button, by the way) can also juggle other things, such as knives, a talent I assume she’s going to use to create an “accident” which gets her out of the mail-order-bride situation described above. Piers explains to her that he buzzed her to test her, but all he accomplished was scaring the shit out of Liang, the memory of which brings her to tears.
This brings out the softy in The Hoff, who climbs on stage to give Liang a hug, but ruins the tender moment by asking her, “Hey don’t I know you from that massage parlor south of Wilshire?” Regardless, Liang is put through to Vegas.
Manuel is a studly piece of teenage ass, who unfortunately can sing quite a nice ditty, making jokes about Sharon Osborne’s dirty-thoughts-o-meter seem somewhat irrelevant. Bonus points to him for tackling My Cherie Amour, a Stevie Wonder classic that he doesn’t totally annihilate, although I get the sense that Manuel is a bit confused and thinks he’s actually auditioning for Idol, since that song is also a staple on that show.
Afterwards, The Hoff gives him high marks, and also reminds him to take Jimmy Duggan’s advice and avoid the clap. Sharon, in what is the most random piece of advice, ever, that Manuel really needs to work on his Mic technique. Huh? Regardless, Piers thinks Manny was super terrific and he goes through to Vegas.
Hane is a Denmark transplant to these here United States, as her love for Aretha Franklin inspired her to move on up to the West Side. Boy is she going to be disappointed when she learns that Aretha is a borderline agoraphobic.
Poor Hane, is one of those self-deluded contestants who you actually feel more bad for than anything else, as she has NO idea just how terrible a singer she is. She’s the kind of contestant on these shows that you wonder – “Wow, what’s it going to be like at work on Monday? Ouch.” Because, really, for us, the second the DVR hits fast forward these people are forgotten about forever, for most of us. But they actually exist out in the world. Like what is that conversation at the bank, or wherever, Hane works like? “Soooo. Saw you on America’s Got Talent… sorry. Uhh… umm… I think you’re… uhh… you’re hair looked really nice. Like really nice.” Poor Hane.
Ivan The Urban Action Figure
Yes, you heard right, he’s the urban action figure. I can’t figure out why they are building a huge brick in the middle of the stage, but apparently it’s just so Ivan can jump off it. Interesting. The guy is frenetic, and just all over the place with lots and lots of energy, both dancing and, I guess, doing stunts. I liked when he jumped over the bench, because, you know, he’s the urban action figure. By the time he put on his do rag to break-dance, I was convinced that his next trick would be to break into a car or mug an old lady, in unison with some crushing beats.
Sharon is hot for Ivan, so she votes him through. Piers says no, because the most urban thing in England is Lily Allen, so he can’t relate. The Hoff, swayed by the audience votes Ivan through.
Michael Strelo Smith
Lastly, we have lovable giant Michael Strelo Smith, who is a mountain of a man, but has been promoted throughout the entire two fuckin’ hours I’ve been sitting through this shit, so he better be worth watching. A cover (!!!) of “Flying without Wings” in the background certainly doesn’t bode well. We learn that Michael is an elementary school music teacher (aww) who hasn’t sang since his grandmother/best friend died a few years back (double aww). Okay, Michael, you’ve got my interest.
And the guy belts out a huge, huge, version of some sappy Broadway musical. Midway you can’t tell if you’re supposed to take him seriously or not, but in the end he hits a couple of big notes, and his dead grandmother shits fluffy clouds of joy in excitement and pride.
The Hoff is impressed, obviously and votes him through. Piers says no (in fact, Piers buzzed him during his performance), because he hates dead grandmothers and fat people. Sharon is incredibly torn, because voices like Michael’s bore her to tears. She’s the Queen of Fuckin’ Darkness, after all. But the audience and Michael’s gentle prodding won’t let her off the hook. Michael goes through!
AND THANK GOD! IT’S OVER!!!! HOPEFULLY NEXT WEEK ISN’T ANOTHER TWO HOUR EXTRAVAGANZA!