It’s Cycle 9 of America’s Next Top Model! The leather anniversary cycle! The Ennea-Cycle! (It’s Greek, bitches.) As you can tell, I am very excited, especially about the leather. To be honest, during last cycle I had started to wonder if the show was getting a little tired, and perhaps, just maybe, Tyra should think about going to one cycle a year. But then I spent a whole summer ANTM free. Now I say, fuck that crap I want some Tyra!

Because let’s face it, it was obvious from Day 1, Cycle 1, this show was never about finding America’s Next Top Model, or even America’s Next Mediocre Catalog Model, it was about Miss Bankable’s unshakable belief that modeling is not about looks, it’s about ….something else. After nine cycles, I’m still not sure, exactly. Something about character and fierceness, I think? But definitely not about being pretty. Noooo, only amateurs want a model with good looks and a great body. Ha, suckers. What do they know?

If I had any worries that Tyra would not bring the crazy this cycle, they vaporized the second I heard the voice over, “My mission has always been to expand what America considers beautiful, question what makes a model, and open up the world of fashion.” Of course! Don’t you people get it? After eight cycles with no supermodel product, it’s not TYRA that’s wrong, it’s all of America that’s wrong, you prejudiced bastards. Tyra won’t rest until a homely gal is on the cover of Vogue, no matter how many cycles it takes.

Tyra puts on her casual day weave, sets herself down in Ikea Floor display, and calls the lucky semifinalists. The producers obviously called the girls first and told them to get a video camera ready, unless the girls just always have a friend videotape their phone conversations. Tyra takes the opportunity to show who’s the boss by making them pose and do runway on the phone. Pose! Walk! Now sign this waiver and photo release!

The girls are whisked off to San Juan, Puerto Rico. But why? Or rather, pero porqué, Modelo Superior Siguiente de América? I truly hope it is because the legal drinking age is eighteen in Puerto Rico. The tour bus guide does not explain; he just makes the girls put on blindfolds. The models are remarkably accepting about being carted off to a strange place, blindfolded, and taken who knows where. Before the tour guide can demand they hand over their passports and underwear, they arrive at their destination.

Miss J greets them in a sailor suit (I’m drawing the line at sea men jokes) and announces they will be going a cruise. Well, that explains why they are in Puerto Rico (to catch the cruise ship), but fails to explain why they need to go on a freaking cruise ship in the first place. Marvita, a very masculine looking model, is excited because she’s poor. I know she was probably going for a Grace Jones kind of look, but I’m getting more of an 80s Carl Lewis vibe.

As the models pile onto the Royal Caribbean ship (Tyradential: corporate sponsor), we get plugs for the cruise line intercut with various babbling from the girls. At the 2:17 mark, Ebony establishes herself as the season’s first potential bitch by declaring she has no competition. She may have some competition in the bitch department from Chantal who insists, “I think that I have something no other girl has, I don’t know what it is.” Adding, “There’s a rash and it burns when I pee. Seriously, I don’t know what it is. Is there’s a doctor on board?”

”I already tried all the over the counter meds”

The safety officer gathers the girls on the deck for a safety briefing. I think he’s going to over all the anti-cetacean devices they installed to defend Tyra against any marauding dolphins, but he’s just there to segue into Miss J’s next bit: runway with a life jacket on. Miss J tries to justify it by saying they have to be fierce no matter what they are wearing, but it’s probably just to make the girls look ridiculous. I completely approve. They also have to walk before the people who just happened to be on the cruise when an ANTM casting episode broke out. The crowd is much younger than I would have expected.

Miss J yells at all the girls in between more interview snippets. We meet Victoria, this season’s ivy leaguer, from Yale. Victoria’s got a looooong face, so she’s a two-fer for Tyra: smart and ugly unconventionally beautiful. Perfect for the “models need to be smart but not pretty” campaign. But Heather is my early favorite when she says she has a “hump” in her back from hunching over a computer keyboard. Geek girls represent! I a little worried that Heather will be the girl Tyra axes for low self-esteem, or as Ebony puts it “insecurity problems.”

Please, please, let her last name be Combusstionne.

At breakfast, Sarah echoes what I’ve been thinking, that all these girls are very thin. Are there be no plus-sized girls in the running at all this year? There’s no chance to consider this as it’s Tyra time! She makes her grand entrance. Now, up until recently, Tyra just walked out to meet the girls, like a normal person, but her increasingly unbalanced brain chemical levels have made her pull crazier and crazier entrances. Cycle 7 she twirled after the Aswirl Twins, which was not so bad, and in all fairness fit the context of the challenge. Then something snapped between Cycles 7 and 8. The result: Tyra’s stepping entrance into “Model Boot Camp.” Tyra’s entrance this year is certainly jaw dropping

God, not another Priscilla, Queen of the Desert number.

Wait a minute, that’s not a dude…

It’s Tyra!

And her crotch is on fire! Wait…never mind, it’s the sequins. My bad. Still, that thing could be used to signal approaching ships.

It’s just so hard to believe Tyra’s singing career didn’t take off. Also, the headdress does nothing to lower the Tyra BaldWatch alert level. The girls do the usual shrieking and fawning over Tyra, who in turn reminds them that she responsible for everyone being there. Tyra also tries to justify being on the boat, something about lots of shoots taking place in the Caribbean for the weather. Nothing to do with product placement, of course. Why sully modeling with commercialism? It’s a pure art form.

The girls are yanked from the buffet at the Windjammer down to the interviews with Tyra, Miss J, and Jay Manuel. Miss J’s put his sailor suit back on. Tyra looks fabulous. First of all, no headband. Secondly, her wig is a much more flattering shade than the one she had last year. Well done, Miss Banks. I’ll lower the BaldWatch alert down to Dolly Parton.

First up is Ambreal from Howard University. Ambreal brags that “walking is one of my best fortes.” She so good at walking her thighs have burst into flames and burned off part of her jeans. Luckily, she still has her calves covered, just in case she needs to wade through some mud unexpectedly. Attractive and practical. She even keeps them on for the bathing suit portion, because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. It’s only the first interview, but Tyra’s already turned it into being all about her. She insists on doing runway walks with Ambreal.

Super confident Chantal impress the judges by knowing who the designer Rachel Roy is. Would Rachel Roy approve of wearing red pumps with jeans shorts? Maybe, I have no idea who that is. But I disapprove, Chantal, and that’s what matters.

Sylvia’s a waitress from Long Island. Her customers, who are in no way trying to pick her up or just be nice, constantly ask if she’s a model. I should think the fact that she’s slinging hash in Long Island would answer that question, but whatevs. Tyra asks her to walk “in character” but still be “high fashion.” I have no idea what this accomplishes, but ANTM cues up the circus music as Sylvia tries to walk like a butterfly, a robot, and centipede. That’s right, a high fashion centipede. Thinking about what that could possibly be still hurts my brain. Do designers at the Prada show really bark at the models “Centipede! I need your walk to be more centipede! No…no…that’s millipede, you little fool! That was last season. Do you know nothing about fashion? Send her back to Long Island and get me a real model.” I notice Tyra refrains from getting up an demonstrating high fashion centipede.

Gawky Heather is up next and immediately sticks her foot in her mouth by opening with “Hello pretty lady…and Tyra.” After she awkwardly recovers, she reveals that she has ADHD and Asperger’s syndrome (which is pronounced not at all the way I thought it was). As a result, she’s socially awkward. She’s also physically awkward with bad posture, but Tyra doesn’t care, Heather’s got an awesome back-story for her to exploit. I wonder if Tyra thinks she can Oprah the mild autism out of Heather. I hope Heather goes on, both because I have to root for the geeky one, but also because I’d love to see what they do with her for the makeover.

Saleisha went to the T-Zone camp, where young girls learn to take care of breakouts on their forehead, nose and chin. Oops, sorry, that’s a different t-zone. This T-Zone Camp is where Tyra cures young girls of their low self-esteem in one week. Tyra announces that she’ll be harder on Saleisha because she went to the camp, kind of a build-them-up so you can break-them-down kind of thing. Saleisha declares that all her low-self esteem problems are gone for good. Now her ambition is to model for Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated, so she can give other little girls low self-esteem, and then they, in turn, can go to Tyra’s Camp to patch up their shattered sense of self-worth. And so the cycle of life continues. Saleisha’s high self-esteem might also come from the fact that she’s gorgeous.

Victoria, the not very attractive Yalie, says she deserves to win because she is strong and smart. Tyra calls her on thinking the other girls are dumb. Well, if our fearless leader has proven anything, it’s that going to Yale does not necessarily make you smart.

Janet’s a bikini waxer from small Georgia town. She is super excited they just got their first Walmart. Oh Janet, don’t you know that Walmart drives the Mom-and-Pop bikini waxers out of business with their cheap, mass-market bikini waxing? During a blue light special you can get all your pubes ripped out for $10.00. Victoria demonstrates her waxing technique on Tyra. Let’s all remember this display a few weeks from now when she lectures a model on undignified behavior. Poor Miss Sailor Jay looks nauseated, and not by the boat rocking. It must be Tyra’s ass, because I’m sure that Miss J has had a bikini wax before.

Let’s not pretend you haven’t had your asshole waxed, Sailor J

Jennifer, or more precisely, “Jennifah,” has a major Boston accent. She lost sight in one eye shortly after birth and says she was teased all through high school. For being blind in one eye? Either Walpole’s a lot tougher than I would have thought, or her high school was surprisingly nerd free.

”I nevah gaht to go candlepin bowlin, onna-conna I was wicked blind in mah eye”

Jennifah’s half-blind story is no competition for Marvina’s (besides, we already had a legally blind contestant). Marvina’s crying before she even gets all the way onstage. She says she’s has a rough life, but doesn’t really want to talk about it. Don’t you dare clam up on us, missy, not when Tyra goes into full frontal Oprah mode. Tyra pressures her to reveal that she was raped and molested. Yikes. Modeling-wise, I still think she looks like Carl Lewis in the face, but Tyra likes her bone structure. She does have a slammin bod.

Is the other one labeled “L?”

I know, it’s just a Roxy swimsuit, although I never got the appeal of having giant letters on your bikini, or the ones that have “Roxy” across the ass. Moving on, Mila provides a complete change of pace. She’s the kind of happy that can only come from psychotic denial and/or a rich cocktail of pharmaceuticals. When Tyra asks her when was the last time she cried, Mila replies “it’s a waste of time.” Is that a challenge? How about I poke you in the eye with this stick? Are you wasting time now? I don’t see Mila’s appeal at all. Her face isn’t pretty, her body is not great compared to the other girls, and she clunks around the stage like an Imperial AT-AT Walker. On the other hand, she may be crazy, so she’ll probably make the final cut.

There are a few more girls that don’t make a huge impression. Christie claims she’s gets compared to Adriana Lima, which she pronounces like the bean, not the city. Sabrina refuses to admit to a bad feature. Did she learn that at Camp T-Zone? There’s also a montage of various bad singing and dancing, some of it Tyra’s (again!).

Jenah claims that girls don’t like her because she’s pretty. She also reads, plays beer pong, and hangs out with the boys. Hmm, she just described me, except for the young and beautiful part. She makes Tyra’s gays so catty I’m surprised they don’t scratch up the furniture. Miss J snarks about her bug eyes, and Jay Manuel complains that “saying ‘like’ ten million times and hanging out with the boys does not give you a degree.” Hmm, I can see commenting on the overuse of “like,” (confession: I did this too until I got to college and my friends made me stop.). But hanging out with the boys? I think that’s the pot calling the kettle black, my dear.

Sarah’s freakish body size leaves everyone confused. That and the straw she pulls out of her nose, but really, it’s her bizarre-world bod. I mean, look at her.

Size eight monster! She’ll never make it as a model. The plus-sized models will kick her ass, and the zero-sized models will binge and purge her for lunch. Lovely Lisa brings out a picture of herself as an awkward adolescent. Tyra can’t resist one-upping her and says she was way dorkier as a kid. I hate to disagree with you Tyra…OK, I love to disagree with you, but Tyra, you don’t look dorky in that picture. Skinny as hell, yes, but not dorky.

Since Tyra knocked out her dorky-as-a-child ammo, Lisa goes to her b-plan, the sob story. She was in foster care as a child. She survived, overcame, and now she’s a stripper. Congratulations? But she’s not the sleazy kind of stripper, she’s the classy kind that keeps their clothes on and, I assume, makes way less money. Lisa calls it “bikini dancing.”

Time for the first Jaslene commercial! Remember during the last cycle, when they had Jaslene shoot a mock commercial, and it was all horrible and stilted, and sounded completely awful until Jay told her to relax and just be her Cha Cha Diva self, and then it was great, even if it was also a tiny bit scary? Yeah well, CoverGirl decided to throw all that shit out the window and go back to stilted and uncomfortable. They also decided to make her look like Cher, if Cher decided to start dressing like a lawyer from twenty years ago.

”Gypsy? Tramp? Thief? We can help. Call our law offices now.”

This cycle’s hoochie girl from New York will be played by Bianca. Like Chantal, she also sports red patent leather pumps with jorts. Please don’t tell me that this is a fad. I can barely take high-waisted jeans, skinny jeans, and leggings. Throw in this look and I’ll have to crawl into a cave for a few years. Bianca insists that there’s more than one kind of bitch; she’s the “fun bitch” while Ebony is the “bitchy bitch.” Bianca is beautiful.

”Then there’s the ‘rich bitch,’ the ‘skinny bitch,’ and the ‘cool-ranch-flavor bitch,’ It’s all laid out in my treatise, A Field Guide to Bitches”

Ebony herself struts out and declares that Tyra can stop looking. Tyra smells blood in the water and goes Oprah on her ass. After some prodding, Ebony breaks, cries, and admits Mom was a crackhead. Grandma had to raise her. She’s the first in her family to graduate high school and go to college. Tyra declares that Ebony’s pain as the source of her bitchitude and declares her cured. Problem solved. I’m sure she’ll get along like an angel with the other girls now.

Done with the interviews, the hopefuls are bused down to the beach. Who’s that in the water? It’s Jaslene, doing a completely impromptu photo shoot that will never appear anywhere, ever. Jaslene fulfils yet another contractual obligation by talking about how great it is to win Top Model. It’s what rocketed her onto the cover of such high fashion magazines as Latina and…um…well pretty much just Latina and the prize cover for Seventeen. But it’s a start! Soon she’ll be just as successful as the past winners like…um…let me think…er, let’s just move on, OK?

The girls all do a photo shoot in the water. They are in swimsuits, but most of them wear some kind of cover-up as well. The models all diss Victoria, and Bianca roots for Ebony’s weave to come off. Lisa works it like only a stripper bikini dancer can. Chantal is still cocky, and Marvita is still unattractive. Moving along.

The models regroup at the dock, where it looks like Jay and Miss J are about to put on a production of The Outsiders: A Very Gay Musical. In reality, it’s time for the next cut. ANTM likes the stampede approach for this. This year, the models must charge en masse for an easel that contains boarding passes to get back on the boat. Thirteen unlucky girls will get left behind, although if you’re going to get left behind, it wouldn’t suck to be on a beautiful tropical island. Most everyone who’s been featured so far moves on, except for “no flaws” Sabrina. She complains about having to go back to her job. I hear you, sister. Sylvia must make the long trek back to Long Island.

Back on the floating product placement, Tyra comes into the dining room. Must she always interrupt the girls when they are eating? Between the shrieking and squealing and the food, someone’s gonna choke. Especially of she sings again (rimshot!). Tyra announces that they are about to deliberate on the final 13. The remaining girls have a chance to say why they should be in the competition.

Of course no one brings up that they are good looking or walk the runway, you know, things that might remotely apply to modeling. Lisa the stripper thinks girls can relate to her. Sure they can, what gal hasn’t made a living by having guys shove a few dollars down their underwear? Heather wants to represent the girls at the bottom of the totem pole. Bahstan Jennifah says she’s been dreaming on it wicked hawd. It’d be a pissa if she made it.

The deliberation flies by at top speed. They love Jennifer’s bug eyes, even though they made fun of her at the interview. I think she’s pretty, and huge eyes are clearly in. Saleisha needs ANTM to go on to the next level, assuming that level is total obscurity. Jay says Ambreal is tall “but looks short.” Whatever, Jay, YOU’RE NOT HELPING. Miss J thinks Marvita is ready-to-wear, not high fashion. Ready to wear what? Male genitals? Tyra loves Victoria’s looong face, because Tyra always has to have her ugly girl, but Miss J makes horsey noises. Tyra is appalled.

Sarah gets more criticism for being ridiculously height-weight-appropriate. Too thin for plus-sized, too big for high fashion. Jay points out how completely stupid it is for the only choices are to be size 12 and up or size 2 and smaller, because the industries are so separate. Amen, little man. Besides that fact that it’s a completely retarded system for everyone in the real world, it’s always been the handicap for plus sized models on the show. There’s a modeling industry out there for them, but the show is geared towards high fashion, which is more rexy than ever. The larger models would never fit into the sample sizes at the shows, and wouldn’t get cast in the same shows for the go-sees. I’m curious to see if they make Sarah pick a team, big or small.

Finishing up, Tyra mentions Heather’s Asperger’s Syndrome. Jay loves her, and besides he needs someone to fix his computer later. They say Ebony needs a high fashion ass-whuppin. Perhaps they can get the high-fashion centipede to do it for them.

It’s final cut time! I’m excited even though I’ve already seen the finalists on the web page. I can’t help it, Tyra gets me every time. Tyra really looks fabulous: good wig, pretty dress, nice necklace. Dammit, Tyra, you’re taking away my material, but nicely done.

The girls must walk across a glass runway set over the pool after their names are called. I’ll ruin it for you now: no one falls. On short order, Mila, Bianca, and Jenah are called. Despite being super confident before, Chantal looks very relieved when her name is announced. Ambreal travels all the way from Prom Night on Beverly Hills: 90210 to cross the pool and become a contender. Of course, Victoria makes the grade, followed by Sarah, Saleisha, and Kimberly (who? I barely remember her. She gave Tyra a horse, or something). The remaining hopefuls start to cry as the slots get filled. Marvina looks very pissed when Ebony’s name gets called.

Tyra announces that there are three spots left with ten girls remaining. The dramatic music ramps up, and Tyra draws out her words even more slowly “The..next…name…I’m…going…to…call…when…I…get…around…to…calling…it…will…be…Janet.” Yay! Hillbilly bikini waxes for everyone! That leaves two spots. Heather, naturally, gets one. No way they could leave out her. After a lot of stalling and crying the final model is …Lisa. Yay! Lap dances for everyone!

Bahston Jennifah and Marvita are out. Marvita calls everyone “punk asses.” Way to burn that bridge, Marvita. At least you’ll have all those gold medals to cherish. Tyra reminds everyone remaining that Top Model is not just about being pretty, it’s about being a role model. They too, should aspire to marry a Brady.

Well that’s it for casting. It looks like it will be a great season. They have all the ingredients: crazy contestants, crazy Tyra, Nigel. What more do you need?
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SirLinksalot: America’s Next Top Model

brilliantmistake | 09.24.07 | Filed in America's Next Top Model,Recaps