Surreal Life: Omarosa’s Tit for Carey’s Tat
I paid a little more attention to the creepy opening montage this week and noticed that the Jose Canseco caricature is standing next to a “Juice stand” and drinking “juice.” Now that’s funny…touché Surreal Life opening montage-maker! The show began bright and early with Janice getting her hair and make-up done by her “two little lesbians” as she calls them. Yes, Janice forced the producers to allow her two miracle workers to work on her every day. Why “miracle workers?” Because they somehow make that old crow look human every day, that’s why. Even though the house has its very own make-up room for Janice, she insists on using the communal bathroom. This causes much friction, as Janice’s entourage takes up the whole room. At one point, Omarosa was applying some mousse and the bottle made a loud noise. Apparently, Janice is terrified of mousse bottles as she overreacted ridiculously – physically recoiling as though a real moose had just appeared from behind the door. “I thought that noise was coming out of her ass,” she warbled. Disregarding her idiocy (as we’re now becoming used to it), who knew you had to use mousse on a weave?
The “Surreal Times” arrived with the news not being so good for the more modest among the gang. They would be performing a burlesque show in front of a live crowd. “No! No! No! No!” Balki started screaming in horror. “No! No! No! No!” America started screaming in complete agreement. Although I have to admit – I’d have loved to have seen the distinct hoof-patterned scars on his upper thighs and lower abdomen as a result of his years of sheep fu— uh, let’s just say “sheepskin rug” has a whole different meaning to Balki. Just as I was about to change the channel to avoid seeing his grotesque body, we learned that Balki would be the emcee. Phew.
Jose, Caprice, and Janice would comprise “America the Bootyfull” and Pepa, Carey, and Omarosa would strip as “The Westward Ho’s.” Like you, I had forgotten who Carey was or why he was on the show. He’s Pink’s boyfriend and a professional motocross badboy who looks like 12 prisoners held him down and used him as a practice template for homemade prison tattoos. Jose was to play George Washington – or should I say, Dr. Frank N Furter Washington. I’m not sure when it was decided that our country’s first president wore garters, lipstick, and panties, but whatever.
Kitten Demillo showed up to teach the Lifers the “art” of burlesque. I’ve learned that “burlesque” is what old hags do whereas “stripping” is what young sluts do. Me-likey the stripping a whole lot better. Janice Dickinson (World’s First Supermodel), however, likes neither. “I’m reticent about burlesque because I’m a parent.” I hate the World’s First Supermodel more and more every week. She can call Down’s Syndrome kids “retard” to their face, she can flirt by showing her moonscaped ass left and right, she can write books in which she happily discusses banging every guy under the sun and doing every drug ever invented – but she can’t get in a bikini for 3 seconds on a VH1 show. Riiiight. How about the fact that she’s had so much plastic surgery that her chest probably has a gaping hole through which we could see her cold black heart – and she’s just a tad bit touchy about that.
No one else seemed to mind the task, especially Pepa who aggressively tore Omarosa’s top right off. Funny that with Jose and Omarosa in the house, there were two sets of “bitch tits.” Ha ha ha, get it? Cause he, like, did steroids and she’s, um, a bitch. Sigh. Anyway, after some practice, they all piled into the van and drove off to the club. As exciting as all this sounds, I have to say that it wasn’t exciting at all. Once at the club, they practiced their routines some more and The World’s First Supermodel declared, “F*ck it! I quit.” Janice was upset because the mere suggestion that she practice was offensive to her Supermodel-ness. Balki, never one to miss a creepy sexual predator opportunity, immediately engulfed Janice in his humpy hug. She is such an annoying mess – I have so much more respect for Tyra now that I know what she had to put up with through 4 seasons of Top Model. It was all a show for the cameras – her crying, her ranting, and her threats to go home. I was happy to see Jose and Caprice completely ignore her immaturity and simply practice their routine without her.
Realizing that the show would still go on, Janice did an about face and rushed back to the stage area. She had no time to prepare so all she did was walk out on stage with Jose and Caprice and stand there like the moron she is in a black dress. Caprice, for her part, stripped down to a bikini (which is what she’s famous for) and helped Jose unveil his transvestite George Washington. The rent-a-crowd, which had just left the latest Ginzu Knives infomercial taping, gave a mild cheer. Balki, meanwhile, was nursing his blue balls while doing his best Squiggy impersonation after seeing Caprice in her bikini top. Odds are 3 to 1 that he will commit a sex crime before this show is through.
The Westward Ho’s took to the stage next and did their little thing. It was fine for what it was but Janice had to give her opinion. “Omarosa looked like Mr. Ed on crack.” That really made no sense and was completely unwarranted…but since I hate Omarosa too, I still liked it. A corny ColecoVision-looking “applause-o-meter” on the screen determined the Ho’s the “winners” and then everyone went home. I don’t know what they won, but let’s hope Pepa got her tiny little trophy that she tried so hard to win last week. In spite of her competition being retarded kids. Hey – Pepa wants her 2-dollar trophy, okay?
Back at the house, Omarosa gets a phone call telling her that someone has died. Before Janice knew what was going on, she called Omarosa a “crazy psycho bitch” for not allowing her to use the phone right away. After some initial words, Janice offers an apology and they move forward. But before they could exchange addresses for their Christmas card lists, Balki and Omarosa confront her about the two makeup guys who take up the bathroom every morning. They politely suggested that she use the special makeup room the producers built for her instead. “I can’t. The microfibers from the new paint cut both of my eyelids.”
For the first time in 3 episodes I concurred with Balki when he said to Janice, “You’re an idiot.” Then the thought occurred to me, “Hey, wait a minute…is he talking to me for watching this show?!