The Cut: Pimp My Antelope Hide

Xzibit A: The Cut is Unoriginal

So that’s what they did. Shamelessly. But first, there was some reaction to last week’s “Style Forum” and it wasn’t good. Acting like a bunch of people who had never seen a reality TV show before, they were all devastated that someone got sent home (I already forget her name and face). In fact, the old crow of the bunch, Shauna, had had enough and she threatened to pack up and leave. Geeze, I guess no one really appreciates being on TV anymore, with people quitting shows left and right. Shauna’s complaints were somewhat valid, however: “This show is not a fashion show, I thought they’d be stealing straight from Project Runway, not The Apprentice and Pimp My Ride. I’m quitting and going home to my giant mink farm where I’m going to kill a whole slew of those buggers and then I’ll wrap their warm little carcasses the rest of the way up my neck and face to help me forget this whole horrible experience.”

The gang convinced Shauna to take her coat off and stay a while resulting in a collective sigh from small furry animals everywhere. The next morning they all gathered at Teknicar garage where Tommy Hilfiger arrived to issue the next challenge. But first, boring story time… years ago, Hilfiger designed some ugly bright shirt for Mick Jagger and he didn’t initially like it but Hilfiger convinced him to go with it. After the event, Mick hated the shirt even more. Moral of the story? Listen to your client and respond to their wants. The client for this challenge would be young hip hop star, Fabolous. Unfortunately for Hilfiger, his brazen attempts at re-entering the urban fashion scene were shattered when he pronounced his name “FabUlous,” as opposed to the correct “FabOlous.” Cementing his old white guy status, when he was announcing the challenge (pimping out Lincoln Navigators), Hilfiger pronounced them “cool cars” and excitedly urged the contestants to “Rig them out.” Way to take it to the streets, Tommy.

The one innovation The Cut has is that new teams are chosen each week. Not exactly groundbreaking, I know, but I’ll take what I can get. Actually, it really sucks for recapping/consistency purposes, but as the resident rookie here, I can’t complain. Chris and Elizabeth chose their teams and they were named the Blue and the Orange team this week. Shauna was picked last by Chris and Vlada was the last overall for the Orange crew. Vlada is Hungarian for “clueless bitch” which she personified as she pursed her lips and made love to the camera even though no team wanted her. Ahhhh, that’s what sets reality whores away from us normal folks.

Sensing “The Cut” had too little to do with fashion and too much to do with car remodeling and billboard painting; Hilfiger announced a little twist to this week’s game. One person from each team would be sent out to The People’s Choice Awards in Hollywood to interview celebrities on the red carpet. Because, you see, The Cut is also about testing one’s social skills. Right. Did they make this shit up as they went along or did they just script it using Mad Libs? Amazingly, the Blue team chose to send near-quitter Shauna out on the private jet and the Team Orange elected gay caricature, Tommy to join her.

Now Tommy just needed to get the dress.
It was now time for the teams to get to work on their Navigators. Each team sat down to brainstorm ideas. Functional retard Jeff (the show’s token crazy older guy) was eager to start “tricking up” the car. The look on Rob’s face (he’s from Brooklyn) was priceless – it said, “Shut the hell up, cracker, or I will beat you senseless.” Cooler heads prevailed just in time for the next twist. Two team members from each team would be going to the VIP room at Club Marquee to hang out with their client, Fabolous. Team Blue elected Chris and Jeff to attend, and Team Orange chose Vlada and Princess – who, despite their names, are real human beings rather than the cartoon crime-fighting duo they sound like.

Princess was over-eager to meet the rapper and was only interested in flirting rather than ascertaining any sort of helpful information. While she was trying her best to insert herself into his life (and lap), Chris sat and bided his time. After Princess had exhausted her tired pick up lines, Chris moved in and tried his own, “Can we get on up outta here and walk around alone for a little while?” Fab was cool with that and the two of them had a very valuable one on one conversation about his likes and dislikes. Meanwhile, Jeff continued to look stupid while Princess and Vlada danced alone in a corner. This show is weird.

We knew Chris had scored major insight into the client’s wants. How did Princess fare? She did get his phone number (why do I think it started with 555?) but when team leader Elizabeth pressed her for info she could use for the Navigator, Princess said, “I’m gonna cook fried chicken for him and he likes Vienna Fingers.” Oh please, please, please build Fabolous a giant Vienna Fingermobile. That would be AWESOME.

The next morning the Blue team couldn’t do a thing because someone had misplaced the keys to the car. A locksmith was called in to save the day while the Oranginas were off buying fabric for their vehicle. Princess, completely unaware as to how annoying she was the night before, continued her ways by referring to herself in the 3rd person. I guess if you name your kid Princess, you should expect her to turn out like that though.

Oh yeah, that’s right, Shauna and Tommy were out at the People’s Choice Awards doing fake celebrity interviews. Honestly, I had no idea Hilfiger spent his days installing TV’s in his headrests while interviewing Peter Scolari about his next project. Did you? Anyway, it turned out Shauna did a decent job and at least knew who most of the stars were. Tommy, on the other hand, didn’t know a soul and it showed. He did, however, more than make up for it by wearing his Paul Revere and the Raiders tuxedo.

In NY, the teams were scrambling to finish up their Navigators. Chris was running a tight ship over on the Blue side, admonishing Jeff for being sloppy and for being a general screw-up. On the Orange team, Vlada was sitting in the backseat flirting with one of the guys from the shop. “I picked the color of that to match the interior all y’all bitches.” Wow, it was like Jeff, Vlada, and Princess had a secret side bet to see who could say the stupidest thing possible. We got our first view of the Orange team’s Navigator and they had this one in the bag – if only Fabolous were a trapper and not a rapper. Somewhere along the way, this team misheard Hilfiger and outfitted the interior like a taxidermist’s showroom. There were dead exotic animal skins all over the place. The only thing missing was a moose head over the center console. But who knows, maybe Vienna Fingers go well with antelope skin and Lynx fur.

It was time to get down to the important business of judging. Hilfiger arrived with car tuning aficionado Funkmaster Flex and, of course, Fabolous. They checked out both cars, mentioned a few likes and a few dislikes and were on their merry ways. Time for a Jeff platitude: “If I don’t win this, the world suffers for it. This is where God put me and I’m here to win. I truly believe that.” And I truly believe that if Team Orange built the giant Vienna Fingermobile, God would have seen it fit to run you over with it. Twice.

At Style Forum, Hilfiger talked with Tommy and Shauna about their red carpet experience. When asked to talk about some of the stars he had interviewed, Tommy stammered about how he’d met so many and couldn’t think of just one. What flamboyant queen worth his stole doesn’t know ANY glamorous Hollywood stars? Sigh, Tommy, don’t tell me you’re just putting on a show for the cameras! I’d be crestfallen. Shauna “won” that red carpet “competition” which meant absolutely nothing to the show, to those on it, or to the viewers watching it. It simply made no sense whatsoever.

On to the real decision with Fabolous and the Navigators. It turned out that he is indeed a rapper (not a fur trapper) and hated the random furs hanging all around. Hilfiger pressed a few of the gang on what they did for the task. Jeff proudly described how he came up with the license plate that said, “The Fab.” “Is that all?” Hilfiger asked.

“No, when we needed a locksmith I snatched a yellow pages.” 3 days and this tool’s biggest contribution was getting a free phonebook. Unfortunately, he’ll be around next week as the Orange team was the losing team and the two women who had met with the hip hop star and learned nothing were on the chopping block: Vlada and Princess. To no one’s surprise, useless Vlada was declared, “out of style” at which point she had to “take the runway.” To be fair, there were about 6 people this episode who didn’t say a single word or do anything productive on camera.

What do you think? What show should they rip-off next week?

sg-dub | 06.16.05 | Filed in Recaps,The Cut

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