I Want to be a Hilton: “Um lampin, um lampin, um cole cole lampin”

Why it’s none other than Flava Flav, aka “Mr. Foofy Foo,” from Public Enemy’s album “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.” Flav is a mad genius.

Checking in with the teams, it appears the Brenden/Vanessa conflict over at Park had not subsided, despite the fact their team is thus far undefeated. These two really dislike each other, blaming the other for–their uninterrupted winning streak? Of course, as bad as that situation was, the mood over at Team Madison was far worse. Down to three survivors and never having won a thing, Latricia, Jackaay, and Jabe were commiserating about their failures. Jabe did mention how they could take heart in the fact that they were the “most sane” people on Madison. While true, is that really any consolation when you’re the “most sane” LOSERS? I think not.

The teams gathered with Kathy Hilton at Chanterelle for a luncheon. Apparently rich people don’t eat “lunch,” they have “luncheons.” (Actually, I just looked up the definitions and there actually is a difference and Kathy is right. She was having a luncheon. Damn my public school education!) Kathy was joined by her friend Frederique Van Der Wal and two people from the fashion industry. Frederique, yet another reality veteran (Celebrity Mole) had absolutely nothing to say. It appeared she was just there for the free lunch. Poor, poor washed-up supermodel. Mrs. Hilton addressed the troops and explained this week’s challenge. It was going to be fashion related, which drew groans from some of the remaining hickish guys as well as yelps of joy from some of the women. Such as Niki, the Paris Hilton wannabe, who loves fashion so much she claimed that she’d “rather buy shoes than eat.” At that point, the illegal immigrant dishwasher spit in her Florida Frogs’ Legs Sauté with Garlic Lasagna and Parsley Coulis appetizer. (Found here.) Mmmmmm, Florida frogs’ legs – so much better than those from Louisiana.

After dining and goofing around with some outfits, Kathy got serious and evened up the teams. Team Madison would be able to pick one from Park, and Park would be able to send over one of their choosing. The Park camp was divided between Brenden and Vanessa, ultimately giving up Vanessa to switch teams. The deciding vote for Vanessa was cast by…Vanessa. Who would purposely choose to switch over to a team that has yet to win anything? Odd, just odd. Team Madison agreed to steal Rashad; so now it was 5 against 5 and it was time to learn the details of the challenge. They would be creating their own personal style – and then judged on their modeling, presentation, attitude, style, etc. One outfit was to be “eveningwear” bought from a secondhand shop. The other outfit was the contestants’ chance to show their own clothes off in a creative and imaginative way. Yes, folks, we have officially run out of reality show challenge ideas.

The teams gathered and discussed their ideas for their respective fashion shows. Team Park was struggling, but with Niki guiding them, I had confidence in them. She, like, y’know, knew that like, Dolce and Gabbana, like, did the androgyny thing, like y’know, like 3 times already. Over at Madison, Vanessa was already pissing people off. Her strong personality and bossy behavior hadn’t abated. Sizing up Jackaay, Vanessa noted, “You need some work.” I thought she’d go on to tell her that she needs an umlaut or accent grave over one of the a’s in her name, but no, she was referring to her style sense. The platform flip-flops and 13 year old Little Leaguer look wasn’t working out. With regards to Latricia, the poor soul who had difficulty finding clothes to fit her in a previous challenge, Vanessa remarked, “I hope we’re not judged on body size.” Ouch. After not being able to come up with any ideas for Latricia’s NFL lineman physique, Vanessa openly pondered, “If I could use the curtains for you, I would.” Snap! I eagerly awaited the now cliché “angry black woman diatribe” but none was forthcoming. So I’ll make it up. “Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you better shut your little white bitch mouth or I’ll take one of my giant titties and slap you upside your ugly skinny-ass head, youknowwhatI’msayin, bitch?” That would have been sweet.

All the anger was quickly soothed because it was makeover time! Yay! I can’t get enough of these things and the current TV landscape is all too happy to comply. We were treated to all the typical funny looking foil wraps, the bleaching treatments, and makeup applications. Once again I’m amazed at some of the things women go through – at one point, some sadistic lady was applying eyeliner (or something) up underneath Jackaay’s eyelid. Horrifying. The guys got their unibrows waxed and everyone enjoyed a pedicure. The best part, though, was when JW played a joke on Jaret and gave him his dirty foot water to drink.

With everyone relaxed and having a good time, the show threw them for a loop. Them – and everyone watching. “Top runway coach” Willy Ninja arrived with a flourish (with fey valet in tow). Mr. Ninja was decked out in leather lederhosen which only complimented his heroin chic frame, his flowing Star Jones hair, and his pencil-thin John Waters mustache. He looked like a genetic experiment gone wrong combining Prince, Vincent Price, Rick James, and Dave Chapelle’s impression of Rick James. In other words, he was Hilton’s attempt at re-creating Miss J from America’s Next Top Model. Willie acted as though walking the runway was the equivalent of solving Third World debt. So serious he was as he sashayed up and down, explaining the difference between the male and female runway walks. In the end, his appearance was as pointless to the show as Frederique’s. It was simply another clown vamping it up for a network reality show. The supply is endless, people, endless.

Now that the teams were looking and feeling their prettiest (though Niki, why did you let them give you those Pat Benetar bangs? They look awful.) it was time for the actual fashion show competition. Kathy Hilton had a few other fashion gurus on the dais with her and yup, there was Frederique again. “Fashion expert” Lloyd Boston was also there – I only mention it because this guy is such a media whore. He’s been on Oprah, I see him on Fine Living Network in some capacity and in a small irony, he toured with The Cut’s Tommy Hilfiger promoting his line just last year. Didn’t I say the supply of these people is endless? Anyway, Latricia and her Team Madison gathered and prayed (to Frito-Lay or Hostess?) just before they took to the runway in their thrift shop evening wear. Everyone looked fine except maybe Latricia who was wearing the biggest scarf I’ve ever seen in my life. It was HUGE. But so is she, so I guess it works on some level.

The second round on the runway would prove more interesting, as this was where they had to have a common thread and use their creativity more. Up first was Park, who chose a “Streets of New York” gag/theme. JW was the Naked Cowboy, Jules was a hooker, Brenden was a stockbroker, Niki was a high society movie star.

“For Team Madison,” Rashad announced, “tonight‚s theme is lampshades.” Um. Say what? Each team member worked the catwalk holding a lampshade above his or her head. There was some convoluted rationale for this that only a college freshman wannabe hipster would appreciate, so I won’t insult you, dear Midseasonreplacements readers. It was as stupid as it sounds – I was embarrassed for them. And I don’t even give a crap about them. Needless to say, Team Park won again and Team Madison would be losing two members again this week. As reward, the Parksters got some modeling photos taken by a professional photographer. Personally, I would absolutely hate that prize, but the Park team seemed to enjoy it. And they all cleaned up pretty nicely too.

Kathy Hilton gathered Madison together at “The Residence” for the ousting. Everyone jumped on Vanessa and her stupid lampshade idea but she was able to connive and defend herself fairly well. In the end, Jabe and Rashad were “not on the list” and sent packing. Now, as I said, I don’t care a whit about any of these dipshits, but Jabe and Rashad seemed to be relatively okay guys so I didn’t quite understand Kathy’s decision.

During the show, there was a commercial for the next “Biggest Loser.” Since the ending of the Hilton show was so boring, I thought we’d all enjoy a laugh at the expense of the big fat wussy who cries in the ad. Enjoy!

sg-dub | 07.14.05 | Filed in I Want to be a Hilton,Recaps

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